A narcissistic parent can twist the meaning of forgiveness. By the time you’re an adult child of a narcissist, you feel emotionally drained from all times you had to give out forgiveness in an unhealthy way in order to be loved. Conditional love is the only kind of love a narcissist has to offer.
You have no choice but to forgive your parents when you’re young. Children are hardwired to cling to their parents for survival.
Many people confuse the meaning of forgiveness. Children raised by narcissists are forced to forgive, and then when it happened again, we had no choice but to forgive again and again.
I remember thinking I’d never met anyone who needed as much forgiveness as her. Forgiveness comes easy to us, we’re experts, and we’ve had a lifetime of practice.
However, the adult child of a narcissist may need to know what forgiveness doesn’t mean.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean control. It doesn’t mean when someone wrongs you and says they’re sorry, you should allow them to continue mistreating you.
It doesn’t mean after you’ve forgiven someone, you should let that person back into your life. Whether you forgive someone or not, it has absolutely nothing to do with them. It doesn’t matter if that person knows you forgive them.
It’s not for them.
It doesn’t matter anyway. You can’t tell a narcissist you forgive them. If you tell a narcissistic parent you forgive them, it opens a door that needs to be kept closed.
A narcissist will take your forgiveness and use it against you. The words ‘I’m sorry’ mean about as much as a happy birthday from a stranger to a narcissist.
It’s the appropriate thing to say and a nice gesture, but it’s meaningless. My mother was under the assumption if she said she was sorry after every incident, it meant she was forgiven, and it was instantly forgotten. By instantly, I mean zero emotional memory.
With a narcissist, they don’t feel bad beyond that moment.
They have no emotional memory, and their words mean nothing.
I was always amazed at how my mother could do something horrible. She would promise she didn’t mean it only to start again the very next day as if yesterday never happened.
Narcissists do feel and express shame, but there’s no empathy, compassion, real apology, or changed behavior.
As a child, you end up being blamed and feeling guilty for their behaviors. As the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother, guilt is my old friend that I know well. I have felt and held onto an incredible amount of guilt and shame in my life that wasn’t mine to carry.
I didn’t have a mother to release me from these burdens; she was more than happy to let me carry the weight to watch me suffer. She made no effort to build me up and be supportive when it came to silly things a young girl believes to be true.
I help my daughter work through these things so she can process them, forgive herself, and let it go. As a loving mother, I do this for my children and try to unburden them as much as possible so they can move on. Isn’t that what a loving mother does? I think so, but I wouldn’t know for sure.
Narcissism is described as the rubber band effect.
It might seem like there’s some growth, but my mother always reverts back to her original state no matter what happens.
You don’t have to forgive.
For me, it’s so far away it may not matter.
How do you forgive someone for a lifetime of abuse?
I’m not God, and she can get her forgiveness from him.
I want total indifference.
How does an adult child of a narcissist move on?
How much better would you feel if you could reach indifference towards your narcissistic parent? If you could release yourself from the guilt of breaking away and unburden yourself from the anger and sadness you’ve carried with you since birth.
There is life on the other side of narcissistic abuse.
When you realize a narcissistic parent has raised you, it’s like being told the truth for the first time in your life. This piece of truth will skyrocket your internal growth, and you can bet it’s going to be painful and overwhelming.
The guilt you feel for putting yourself first and removing a narcissist from your life is a trauma bond. The bond I had with my mother was false and unholy.
How do I know? Okay, well, at the risk of turning a few people off, I want to tell you my story.
I was raised as a good Christian girl who went to church every Sunday, and the only activities I was allowed to participate in were church functions. I was raised to believe some pretty twisted and perverted versions of God’s love. I had no other choice but to turn my back on organized religion because it pushed me to close to suicide.
As every adult child of a narcissist knows, I would never be able to measure up to those impossible standards. I’m only human, after all. However, I’ve formed my own beliefs, my own version, and my own definition of God or, as Eckhart Tolle calls it in The Power Of Now, Being.
Before we get into that, here’s a short video from my favorite psychologist Dr. Ramani talking about how the religious narcissist behaves.
I take what I want from other religions and leave the rest.
I mention it because before I knew my mother was a narcissist (and before I went no contact), I did something that changed me almost overnight. It’s called Breaking Soul Ties. I broke unhealthy soul ties with every past relationship I had, including those with my children I gave up for adoption and my family.
When I was done, over the next year, everything came full circle. I reunited with my children, and our unbreakable holy bond has only grown stronger. After breaking the unhealthy bond and soul tie I had to my mother, I didn’t expect what was about to happen next.
It was the first sense of peace in my soul.
At the same time, it was unsettling because I realized I felt nothing for my mother. Once I broke the soul tie, it also broke the trauma bond, and then there was nothing left.
I didn’t have a bond with my mother after this.
It didn’t leave a hole or an empty space. It’s like being unleashed and filled with strength. It felt like taking my power back, but it was more like realizing the power I already had.
This bond-breaking event has stayed with me always, and it was the beginning of a new beginning for me. I thought it was going to make everything better between her and me, but it did the opposite.
I did not see this coming.
It’s not the result I was looking for at all.
I started to feel the weight of what I’d done. I broke the trauma bond, the only bond I had with my mother. It released me from the emotional entanglement. If you’re interested in giving it a try, this is my personal version I’m going to share with you.
I’m not religious, but I am very spiritual, and knowing I’m a part of Being is very comforting to me. In the interest of saving myself, I’ll try anything, and this, well, this worked for me.
Before I continue, you should know this will also work with any past relationship. It will either strengthen the relationship and make it better, or it will end it. Basically, you’re removing all unhealthy soul ties and the unholy threads that bond you together.
It is my belief God is Being, and we are of this Being; therefore, the power to do this is in all of us, and you don’t need a holy man to do it.
How to break a trauma bond and all unhealthy soul ties.
First, I recommend a protection spell or prayer (however you wish to identify). This gives you a little extra TLC in case things get muddy. You can research this yourself and come up with your own version, which is what I recommend.
Please don’t get caught up in the words I’m using. Use your own terms and your own versions. I had a real problem with the word God for a long time since I feel it’s been tainted, so I understand.
During this healing transformation, I ask for your protection and guidance. As the wounded parts of my soul come into the light I ask for a protective barrier around me, my family, and the sanctity that is my home.
Keep it simple. Speaking to the Universe is more about emotion, and you don’t have to be an expert or say all the right things. Since you’re already a part of Being, you can connect at a much deeper level beyond the words. Next, you speak to the wounded parts of your soul.
I speak to the wounded parts of my soul, I know you’re hiding but now is the time to get rid of all the pain you are holding for me. Universe I ask you to enter my wounded parts and heal my wounded soul. I know these wounds exist and I ask the Universe to surround these wounds with presence and protection.
Please give these wounded parts peace.
Give yourself permission to heal.
Many wounded parts of the soul are holding traumatic childhood memories that need to be purged. This also applies to past abuse you’ve endured of any kind and past sexual relationships that created an unholy soul tie.
When you’re ready, these will come to the surface to be dealt with and released. If it starts happening too fast and you feel overwhelmed, you can slow it down or stop for a while. It won’t come back until you ask it too, and you are in complete control.
Depending on your situation, you could stop and start for months. You don’t have to force the transformation, and once you begin, it will proceed in whatever way is best for you.
Now comes the fun part.
Breaking Soul Ties
I break all unholy soul ties between me and (first and last name). I send back to (so and so) all parts of him/her that are in me, purified, cleansed, and released. I return all parts of me in (so and so) back to me, purfied, cleansed, and released.
I thank you Universe that I am free.
The soul tie is broken.
Do not believe any false thoughts or doubts that may enter your mind. Those are lies, and they will fade as the soul tie dissolves.
My mother’s soul ties dissolved over a few months, it was a bad unholy bond, and it took time for everything to reset. I did this simple ritual for every single person I ever had sex with, had ever harmed in any way, and for every name that entered my mind over the next six months.
When they enter my mind, I said these simple words. One by one, all those unholy bonds and threads were cut. You can’t purge it all at once. It would be too traumatic. My advice is to just go with it and let it happen in its most natural and divine way.
This little ritual started a transformation in me that will continue throughout my life now that I’m open to it. It’s been three years, and I’ll never forget the day I decided to do this.
Break the soul tie.
Break the trauma bond.
Have I reached indifference yet?
No, not as of the time I’m writing this. I’m not there yet. It takes a long time to process a lifetime of abuse, and some days are better than others.
Somedays, I still have doubts, but more and more, they are fleeting and don’t last.
I hate the condition.
I hate the impossibility of it.
I hate that there’s no other solution for me but no contact.
The anger, frustration, and rage we feel about being raised by a narcissist, is justified. It’s justified, and it’s the truth fighting like hell to get out.
Anyone who’s dealt with a narcissist doesn’t need a lesson on forgiveness. We’ve forgiven them over and over and over again, and it changed nothing.
What’s the definition of insanity?
That’s the definition of insanity, so I stopped forgiving her, I stopped listening to her, and I’m done.
I’ve never known anyone who needs as much forgiveness as her, but I don’t have any left, so she can get her forgiveness somewhere else. I’m not worried about her, make no mistake. The religious narcissistic mother hides in the church, and the congregation will always be there to support her.
A narcissist gets all the support and understanding while the ones they abuse suffer in silence. I won’t hide and keep her secret anymore. I am not afraid to defy her anymore. The rage has taken over.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
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Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.