After being raised by a narcissist, you might have some weird behaviors you don’t understand.
There’s a very good reason for this and a way to fix it, so it stops happening.
If you’re still in contact with your narcissistic parent, you may feel like a frayed ball of nerves.
Once you stop the cycle of narcissistic abuse, something very painful happens.
You start to heal.
Healing is not pleasant, but when you start to heal from narcissistic abuse, it’s brutal.
I believe one of the most successful ways to overcome narcissistic abuse is to outgrow it.
When you’ve been abused this way, it’s already left its mark on your life, and you can’t erase it, but you can fight back.
A narcissist will never develop the ability to win the internal battle, but you can.
#1 Get to know yourself after being raised by a narcissist.
When you’re narcissistically abused by a parent, you’re told every aspect and angle of you is bad, wrong, and shameful.
You’re never taught how to love and accept yourself.
You’re taught to hate yourself for being a normal, imperfect, flawed, human being.
You wouldn’t think something as simple as a personality test would be so enlightening.
But it is.
Take a free personality test and get to know yourself better.
Take all that you can find.
None of these are meant to replace therapy or professional diagnosis, but it’s an interesting way to spend time with yourself, even if it’s for five minutes a day.
Take those anxiety quizzes and boundaries assessments to find a baseline based on your own judgment.
Lead with the thinking that your judgment is best.
When you’re the child of a narcissist, you question every decision you make.
I’ve been down that rabbit hole, and it has no end.
The only way to stop the insanity is to replace what you’ve been taught about yourself with the truth.
#2 Narcissistic abuse makes you think you’re losing your mind.
After being raised by a narcissist and realizing I’ve been narcissistically abused since birth, it turns your world upside down
I needed a way to reset my mind.
It changes everything you thought you knew about your life.
Through the healing process, my brain reveals more and more proof of my circumstances.
It can’t be denied.
I go through phases of trying to disprove my mother is a narcissist because if it was something else, anything else, there might be some hope.
Many of us suffered from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks.
There’s a reason why therapists don’t have treatments for lasting results.
Instead of treating the symptoms, we need to first understand the panic loop to get better results.
#3. Accepting there is no hope for the narcissist.
My only chance to win the internal battle inside myself is to practice radical acceptance and realistic expectations.
Radical acceptance is the first step to learning how to handle a narcissist.
Another perspective I listen to on Youtube is Richard Grannon.
This video explains what we find so hard to verbalize about how we’re treated by our narcissistic parent.
Radical acceptance is what I learned from the book The Power of Now.
Author Eckhart Tolle states that the mind and the soul are not the same things.
The mind is a physical part of the body, and when the body dies, the mind dies too.
The soul is you and contains your true self and your true essence.
It’s the energy of you that can’t be created or destroyed.
So while you’re mind is spinning out of control, and these crazy intrusive thoughts won’t give any rest, it doesn’t mean that you have to listen to it.
The Power Of Now teaches you how to separate the mind from the soul.
I try everything when it comes to personal development.
I’ve been searching for a sign I’m crazy, or I have some horrible personality disorder that makes me hallucinate, you know, whatever.
If I would’ve taken these tests in my twenties, I’m positive I would’ve found some serious problems, so remember when you take those personality tests, they are subjective and not permanent results.
When you’ve has some time to heal, take them again because what may look like a personality disorder could be the effects of being narcissistically abused.
#4. Misdiagnosed by a narcissistic parent.
Most of us have been unfairly judged and misdiagnosed by doctors because of what our mentally ill parent tells them.
I was speculated about and intensely analyzed as a child by doctors because my mother was convinced something was wrong with me.
- I was put on medications I didn’t need for depression since my mother had recently been diagnosed with depression, so I guess I had to be on them too. This automatically disqualified me from joining the military.
- I was put in a psych ward at the beginning of my freshman year of high school for some dark poems I wrote after my mother went rifling threw my room (no boundaries allowed).
- I was placed in a home for adolescents with behavior issues for four months after my father died, which is where I learned how to lie to get my way. I was treated fairly there, I wasn’t used to that, and it was better than being at home trapped with her.
My narcissistic mother sent me away because I was grieving my father’s death.
I had emotions and feelings she didn’t understand, and I hated her (she didn’t understand that either).
The further away I got from my mother, the better off I was.
At forty plus, I’ve grown into myself, and I’ve outgrown narcissistic abuse.
I have a beautiful marriage with my husband, and I enjoy getting to know my children as adults.
I also have three wonderful little great-nieces that made me a great auntie at thirty-five years old.
After years of failure, I finally managed to build a life I love, and there isn’t a single person from my childhood in it.
So far, in my journey to discover myself, I’ve only come up with some mild anxiety and mild depression.
Mild?
Are you kidding me?
And I think, wait a minute.
It does feel mild.
But wouldn’t anything be mild after being raised by a narcissist?
I laugh, but it’s not funny.
I have yet to experience something more difficult to overcome than the first twenty-five years of my life.
#5 Getting stuck in the past.
Realize how far you’ve come.
Make a conscious effort to be more present in the day and more present in the moment.
When you’re losing your mind or feeling trapped and helpless, use The Power Of Now to bring you back because you’re not there anymore, that’s not your life anymore.
The truths of childhood linger, but as adults, we can’t keep going back there to torture ourselves.
I didn’t expect to survive my twenties, my narcissistic mother had the whole family, and the entire churched convince that I was going to die out there on my own.
A narcissist wants you to believe you’re fragile, damaged, and too broken to ever amount to anything.
When you’ve been raised by a narcissist, you’ve already survived decades of daily emotional, psychological, and many times physical abuse.
When you start to outgrow and overcome the narcissist’s abuse, not only will it make you stronger than you ever thought possible, but you’re also not going to put up the abuse anymore.
The healing process can make you hypersensitive to even a hint of abuse. It’s normal and during this time, be extra gentle with yourself.
Give yourself all the time it takes because you can’t save the world until you learn how to save yourself first.
Have the compassion towards your self that you would give to anyone you loved.
#6 Physical and mental fatigue.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is exhausting, especially in the beginning.
You have to take care of your body as well as your mind.
Rest as much as you want and more than you need.
Then rest a little more just to be safe.
Give this to yourself without feeling guilty.
Ignore the toxic guilt and counteract a negative thought with three positive thoughts to focus on instead:
- rest = strength
- strength = mindset
- mindset = health
- health = healing
- healing = peace
- peace = happiness
This kind of toxic guilt is a direct result of being raised by a narcissist who shames you for self-care.
It’s in direct violation of what is best for you.
#7 Sleep Issues.
Sleep is the main concern.
You can’t function properly without and if your head is spinning at night or the insomnia sets in I have a few things you can try:
- Use a creative outlet and just go with it- I’m a writer so I write and when I can’t sleep I write. Some people are into crafts or sewing and other things I hate but do something you enjoy, a little project to distract you when you need it.
- Self-hypnosis – I use self-hypnosis to reset my brain, and I get results overnight because it works while I’m sleeping. I need positive reinforcement; I need to get some sleep, I need to work on my self-confidence, I need to believe in myself again. Glen Harrold has something for every aspect of your life, and one short 30-minute session at night can change my whole week, if not the month. It doesn’t take much.
- Easy beginner yoga helped me reconnect with and stay connected to my inner being. A 30-minute easy yoga session will give you instant results. Try deep breathing or learning about your chakra to balance yourself out. Yoga has a way of opening doors you didn’t know were there, so don’t be surprised if you have a good cryfest after connecting with yourself.
It’s vital and necessary to connect with your inner self and your inner child when you’ve been raised by a narcissist.
It’s important to force yourself to relax, and it’s okay to feel good:
- Take an Epsom salt bath.
- Get your nails done.
- Get a massage.
- Do nothing, just say no, not today.
This kind of self-care builds your self-worth, and your body will say thank you by feeling better.
Your physical body carries the weight of all this garbage, so give it a break and give it some care.
Recognize the person you are, the person you are not, the person you want to be, and show yourself some respect.
You’re a human being too.
You need love and care too.
As an adult, I am fully capable of giving this to myself.
I just needed someone to teach me how.
I was never taught how to take care of myself mentally, physically, sexually, or otherwise.
Human beings have needs.
#8 Not knowing how to get your needs met.
What are your needs?
I’m not talking about the physical things like food, shelter, water, or clothing a narcissistic parent thinks you should be eternally grateful for.
Yes, thank you for the bare minimum basics I could’ve gotten at any orphanage across the country.
When you take a good look at yourself during this healing process, it takes a conscious effort to separate your wants and needs from what the narcissistic parent thinks your wants and needs should be.
Narcissistic abuse leaves a stronghold of control that remains even after going no contact.
It takes time to untangle yourself from that.
The decisions are yours and yours alone to make with no interference or objection.
You feel like something’s missing, and it’s a little unnerving, but then you experience the freedom to be yourself with no judgment or ridicule or shame.
You don’t ever want to let it go or give it up again, and I cherish it like my own child.
#9 Knowing what you don’t need and owning that you deserve better.
Narcissists don’t allow their children to be themselves.
What’s the worst thing you can do to a narcissist?
Get to know yourself, take care of yourself, and live a better life without them.
Don’t worry, someday Karma will show them how good you’re doing, and their life will still suck.
I think narcissists know this too, and that’s why they work so hard and put in an extremely abnormal amount of effort to maintain control of their children and spouses.
If you need proof, start taking away the narcissist’s control and see how violently they react.
No one can throw a bigger temper tantrum than a narcissist who’s losing control of someone else’s mind.
We talked about addressing your needs, but sometimes it’s better to think about what you don’t need and set some boundaries.
What you don’t need:
- Judgment
- Blame
- Shame
- To be insulted
- To be ignored
- To be rejected
- To be ashamed
- Toxic relationships
- Abusive relationships
- More pain
We need to stop the abuse and stop the pain, so we have time to recover.
When you’re being abused by a narcissist, they need so much supply so often you don’t get enough time to heal between blows.
I was sick all the time as a kid, much more often than my siblings, because my mother’s toxic behavior affects my immune system.
Can you believe it’s going on three years with no contact, and I haven’t been sick once?
Not once.
I’m taking care of myself.
I’m not just writing this here and not doing the actual work for myself.
I’m busting my ass trying to get right and stay right.
I realized I am what I am, and there’s nothing wrong with me.
When all the hate and disturbing behavior is projected onto you and you are blamed for it daily, you start to believe it.
If I don’t correct my thinking and reparent myself, I’m afraid of being stuck like that for the rest of my life.
I’ve seen it happen.
My advice?
Don’t make your bed every day.
This advice about making your bed every day is ridiculous.
Do you really think making my bed every day is going to do me any good at all?
Um, no.
Now, I don’t want to make my bed out of spite.
Go ahead, make your bed every day and see if changes your life in any way.
It does nothing for me.
I choose not to make my bed every day because I don’t have to, and “the they’s” are not the boss of me.
That does something for me.
It feels good to say no, I don’t need to listen to them and I don’t have to do anything they say.
So there.
Try some healthy rebellion and say no to shit that doesn’t matter anyway.
Refuse to accept the blame when it’s not your fault and stop apologizing.
A person who apologizes all the time has been emotionally abused by someone they trusted.
You start noticing unhealthy and weird patterns.
Recently I notice a pattern that I have.
I can be really good and lose ten to fifteen pounds.
Then someone says something like, “Wow, have you lost weight?” as a compliment.
It feels like they took the wind out of my sail.
Then someone else says something.
My husband overheard it, so now a positive conversation triggers me to go completely flat, and it’s like my ship comes to complete stop.
I slowly but surely gain that fifteen pounds back, and then I can hate myself again.
I get triggered by compliments.
Really.
Where I come from accomplishment and being good meant zero attention and no affection.
Needless to say, I’m not a big hugger, and I make a conscious effort to be affectionate towards my children and my husband.
It’s not that I can’t be affectionate, but because I never had it, I don’t seem to need it like other people do.
Unlike a narcissist, I can recognize when my loved ones need a little more from me, and I’m happy to give it.
I call things like this weird-isms.
Weird-isms are weird behaviors a person has when they’re disconnected with their true self.
It happens to all of us, but when you’re raised by a narcissist, you’re never allowed to be yourself, and you’re taught to believe that your true self is damaged, untrustworthy, and broken.
The good news is I’m fully aware of this self-defeating behavior, and it’s not unconscious anymore.
Once you’re conscious of a behavior you don’t like, it becomes annoyingly obvious.
When every fiber of your body doesn’t want to be anything like her or anything like she wanted you to be, you check yourself quick.
It doesn’t take much to change my behavior with that kind of motivation.
However, this self-sabotage is much deeper, and it was happening on a more subconscious level.
I only mention this because you’re going to notice weird stuff about yourself you don’t like.
If you were raised by a narcissist, this is an easy fix for you.
You’re already an expert at changing your behavior, am I right?
Go ahead and smile.
None of your past will be wasted when you use it to fight back.
Final thoughts…
You may find (after being raised by a narcissist) once you know how to get your needs met, it’s not half as difficult as dealing with a narcissist.
Normal people understand you have needs and respect you for taking care of yourself.
You may also find your needs are quite simple, and it doesn’t take much to get them met.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, it’s usually their way or nothing, and many times I chose nothing, and that’s what I got.
As an adult and in charge of myself, more than anything else, I want nothing from her.
She can keep her nothing.
Eventually, you realize you don’t need what you never had.
Nothing from her is everything to me.
Need support?
I tried life coaching, and it’s been a life-changing encounter.
I needed someone to listen to me and help me understand myself better.
It was the most liberating and grounding experience of my life so I decided to become a certified life coach.
If you’re interested, get more information about how coaching works at proofoflifecoaching.com
When you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, sometimes you need help. If you have more severe symptoms of debilitating depression, PTSD, or C-PTSD, you can connect with a professional therapist online.
It called Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face or meet them in an office.
They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so there’s no waiting three weeks for an appointment.
It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
Thank you for putting all of the jumbled words in my head into this article! I’ve never read something that made so much sense! I haven’t spoken to my mother in 8 years, but only recently started working on my mental health. I have always felt so guilty for living my life, but I also always thought “I went to school, I have a good job, I don’t get in trouble….why is my life considered so wrong to her?” It never made sense to me. I’m so sorry to everyone who is going through these life lessons!!! We are all pretty awesome and it’s their loss.
Hi Kirsten,
I know, it makes no sense. I also have a wonderful daughter who does nothing wrong. She attacks her like she’s some terrible person for having her own thoughts and feelings.
I see my daughter as the best thing ever and that’s when I understood my mother wanted to destroy her because she’s a good person.
Watching it happen forced me to deal with the reality that this is what she’s done to me my whole life.
It is her loss because we’ve lost nothing from leaving her behind.
I am coming up on 4 years of no contact with my alcoholic narcissist mom. She was controlling, emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I was the black sheep, oddly as I was the only one who looked like her mini me. I think I reminded her how much she hated herself. She would neglect common illnesses until I had to hospitalized and that took a toll on my little body over the years. She emotionally abandoned me around age 8. Tried to runaway multiple times and fell in with the wrong crowd (because I was bad, stupid, a loser, etc according to her) I struggled to make it work and moved away as soon as I could escape. She sabotaged my wedding and I ended up eloping and went low contact. I thought she changed after a few years but she didn’t, even had the nerve to ask if my first born could call her mom (she already had 2 other grandkids by then) and finally at 30 years old I cracked. She turned all of my siblings against me when I outed her and her poisonous tactics. They are all very codependent on her and I’m watching my siblings flush their lives (and their kids’) down a bottle of vodka or wine. Producing another generation of emotionally wounded and neglected children.
The first 2 years were the hardest. She stalked me and my life collapsed. I began getting seriously ill, developed allergies(Ironically to alcohol among many other), panic attacks, migraines and I was diagnosed with a chronic viral condition just to name a few. My immune system was wiped. I came too close to dying and I was smoking loads of weed to numb out and just feel good enough to smile. I made another mom friend on a chance encounter and she pointed out I apologize constantly. She knew I had been through some shit and she has been crucial- an accepting friend. Most people won’t get it, going NC, even thinking you have a NPD parent is mind blowing for most people, especially bc the children of narcs are more often very loving, good people. You aren’t doing it for them though, this is for me and my kids to have a better chance.
It’s gotten somewhat easier as time goes on. I saw a therapist for over a year until I was hospitalized for my pregnancy and she helped me open up and start trusting again. I had pushed all of my friends away in an attempt to hide my shame, hopelessness and shield myself. I think I’m ready to start rebuilding relationships and letting people back in. I am going to find a life coach bc I think that is a great suggestion, I wouldn’t have pursued it for fear of more judgement but I am willing to try. Every time you let go of the fear of changing, the hold they have on us dissolves some. I can say easily now, I am excited for the future and the freedom it holds. <3
Hi Gwen,
We don’t talk enough about the physical toll this takes especially when we’re trying to figure out the mental and emotional part.
I agree the first two years are the hardest and I hear it a lot because those two years feel like ten.
Most people don’t understand no contact because they think it’s so bad and unhealthy until they read stories like yours.
We have two choices, stay trapped forever until it kills us or run like hell and be free.
I choose to be free too.
Thank you for sharing your story, immune system issues are real and directly caused by this kind of toxic abuse.
Thank you for your story. It makes me feel better about going no contact with my mom for almost 3 years. She passed away last December and I can honestly say that even on their death bed, they are Narcissistic. They will almost never change and it’s not our fault. We are screwed up and it’s not our fault. I feel a sense of relief now that she’s gone but every once awhile the guilt creeps in and I start feeling bad about not being there for her in her beginning stages of cancer, but then I remember, she didn’t tell me she had cancer until 2 weeks before she died. It’s not my fault. None of it. I’m free now and I’m healing. I have a long road ahead of me but I know the way.
Hi Verniece,
Relief, freedom, healing, thank you for sharing.
Omg! This is nearly identical to my story! Thank you for writing this! Maybe in a few years, I can write my own story as well, to help others heal! It is so freeing to see this… even the medications as a child, her going through my stuff all the time, even reading my notes from school… then the children’s home… etc…
I have been no contact since Christmas & I have a therapist now… but there is so much healing in this article! In hearing someone else say, me too… and let’s begin healing!!! Thank you!
Hi Meagan,
I still find it disturbing how similar our stories are. It happens all over the world and we’re so isolated we don’t know there are others just like us.
I’m glad this helps set you free. Don’t wait to write your story, start now! I would love to read it.
I wish all of us would write our stories so the whole world can see them and then they won’t be able to ignore us anymore. Thank you for sharing such positive energy.
Thank you a thousand times over. I’m 44 have a bipolar/narc mother and lost my son to her as well. Finally made the decision to have no contact with either of them 18 months ago and even though it nearly destroyed me I know it was the right choice. My health is suffering big time, it all caught up with me so much my adrenals and thyroid are shot. I’m determined to heal and reading your story so much paralleled with my own life it opened my eyes. I’m not crazy. Thank you for the push in the right direction. Maybe now I can heal.
Hi Michelle.
This brings tears to my eyes because I know what you’re going through. You realize you’re not crazy, and then you wish you were crazy so you can fix what’s wrong.
It sounds like you’re coming out of the fog of war.
You’re still young; I love my forties, best years of my life so far. The body can heal itself with a little care and time. Please go easy on yourself for a really long time until you’re ready; at our age, the pain manifests physically.
Thanks soo much for sharing your story, I can’t tell you how much it means to me. My mother passed away when I was 16 and raised by my narcissistic father. It’s been a nightmare . I’m 50 now and trying to fix me. So again, Thankyou you’ve been really helpful.
Paula
Hi Paula,
My Dad died at 16 and I was raised by my narcissistic mother. Like why, why keep the narcissist around? The mean ones live forever. Thank you for sharing your parallel universe with me.
Wish I would of read this two years ago. Perhaps I would still have my son.
Great information- thanks for sharing!
God Bless
Hi Julie,
Losing a child to this is one of the worst things in this world. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thank you so much for writing about your story! It is so refreshing to know I am not alone and aren’t “crazy” for thinking ill of my mom. I am only 4 months into therapy and setting boundaries with my mom. You can see her losing herself because me (25) and one other sibling (31) finally have had enough. I live in a different state which helps tremendously, but still have high anxiety and have to really coach myself through our interactions.
Thank you for showing people we are not alone!!
Hi Maisie,
I wish I would’ve found out at your age. I feel like not knowing held me back most of my adult life.
You’ve got a huge advantage and a real opportunity to heal and live your best life.
I like how you say you coach yourself through those interactions, that’s good advice, thank you for sharing it.
I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now and she has helped me tremendously. I was doing so much better until I met a woman who reminded me of my mother and had to work with her until we were all sent home. She brought it all back. I have regressed and become an emotional mess again. Healing from a narcissistic mother is a very hard road to travel.
Your blog has helped me put things back into perspective and it is always good to know you aren’t alone.
Hi Louise,
I know what you mean. I’ve come to expect the setbacks when things resurface. My blood boils and fire shoots out my eyes.
We will never forget, how could we when it’s all around us.
I’m right there with you, this post was a good day. Thank you for sharing so others will know healing from this is full of hills and valleys.
You should be very proud of yourself. I have a narcissist ex husband and we raised 3 children…I worry about patterns on top of the mental side of the abuse. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Christina,
What helped me the most was having one person, just one person in my corner who believed in me. Sounds like you are that person for your kids. I will work on being proud of myself, thank you for that.
“Nothing from her is everything to me ” that hit the spot…now i realize what i wanted my entire life…i couldnt answer myself i kept soul searching for answers wat is it i want that will make me happy…never got the answer…today i felt like u summed up my life for me …my sister abused me mentally ever since i remember …i left home got married..but kept looking for my souls peace…Thanks for giving me my answer Nothing from her is Everything to me…My small beautiful world minus her presence is what i have been searching for… too simple to handle her by not wanting anything from her.God Bless You fr helping people by writing all this.
Hi Shruti,
Your comment is the voice of freedom, that’s the feeling that convinced me I was doing what was best for me.
There’s a price for peace, but it’s worth it. Thank you for adding this.