After being raised by a narcissist, you might have some weird behaviors you don’t understand. There’s a very good reason for this and a way to fix it, so it stops happening.
If you’re still in contact with your narcissistic parent, you feel like a frayed ball of nerves. The problem is when you’re always under constant attack, you never have a chance to heal in between blows.
A narcissistic parent likes to keep you on your toes. You’re always second-guessing yourself, and you don’t have a chance to calm your mind or make your own decisions. It’s draining and frustrating to deal with this kind of parent. The fighting and conflict never ends. They’re always there to steal your joy or cause problems where there are none.
Once you put some distance between you and your narcissistic parent, something very painful happens.
You start to heal. It’s like being asleep your whole life, and suddenly you’re awake. As an adult, you start to see things from a different perspective.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is not pleasant; it’s brutal. You notice things you don’t want to notice. You come face to face with a reality that changes everything you thought you knew about your life.
When you’ve been abused this way for decades, it’s already left its mark on your life. You’ve always felt lonely or unsupported until you realize the person you loved and trusted the most is actively trying to sabotage your life and your happiness.
After going no contact with a narcissistic family, it becomes pretty clear that you were always alone; you just didn’t know it.
After being raised by a narcissist, your struggle is with self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.
When you’re abused by a soul-sucking, self-serving vampire you’re told every aspect and angle of you is bad, wrong, and shameful. There is no emotional support, and when you’re young, there’s no escape. It’s daily repetitive insults and attacks that threaten to corrupt your very core.
A narcissistic parent wants their children to be like them. It’s as if they think their children are born flawed, and it’s their job to make their child into a better human being. They don’t understand that babies are born with no emotional flaws, so they think they need to add in their twisted ideas.
More than that, they demand you be agreeable, compliant, and subservient, so you’re never taught how to love and accept yourself. You’re taught to hate yourself for being a normal, imperfect, flawed human being. When you’re the child of a narcissist, you question every decision you make because you’ve been taught you can’t trust yourself or your gut.
That’s a problem.
The only way to stop the insanity is to replace what you’ve been taught about yourself with the truth.
When you realize you didn’t have a normal childhood.
After being raised by a narcissist and fully understanding what that means, it turns your world upside down. It changes everything you thought you knew about your life.
You go through phases of trying to disprove your mother or father is a narcissist because if it was something else, anything else, there might be some hope. You hold on to this hope there might be some chance you’ll get them to see how they’ve hurt you, and then they’ll change their behavior.
This will never happen.
Their behavior will never change… ever.
You can’t change a narcissistic parent.
If he/she was going to change, don’t you think they’d have done it already?
How this healing process works is you change and evolve, and they don’t. They stay exactly the same, so when they continue to do the same things they’ve always done, stop being surprised because this shit never ends until you decide to put a stop to it.
Most people are well into their thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties before they find their way to my blog because it takes years of wisdom to finally see the whole picture.
It’s not your fault you didn’t know what was going on. It’s not your responsibility to fix your parents, either. Just because you were born into a family doesn’t mean you were meant to spend the rest of your life with them.
Most children raised by a narcissistic parent are good people. Not all of them, but most are good and kind because they know what it feels like to be treated badly. They know what it does to a person, and they would never want to do that to another human being.
Many of them are fiercely loyal, compassionate, and some of them are the strongest people I’ve ever met. For the most part, they are completely self-made. We don’t have someone in our corner cheering us on, giving us accolades or moral support, so whatever we do accomplish has been done under severe oppression.
We’re isolated from everyone, and the person who raised us is a vindictive, self-serving nut job that doesn’t care about our wellbeing or our future. It doesn’t stop there either. A narcissistic parent will recruit others to support them as they try to destroy their own children.
Misdiagnosed by a narcissistic parent.
Most of us have been unfairly judged and misdiagnosed by doctors because of what our mentally ill parent tells them. I was speculated about and intensely analyzed as a child by doctors because my mother was convinced something was wrong with me.
I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me and why no doctor was ever able to help. You try to get better and be better and work on yourself, but it’s never enough. No matter what I did, I couldn’t find relief or any answers.
The madness never stopped because it wasn’t coming from me:
- I was put on medications I didn’t need for depression since my mother had recently been diagnosed with depression, so I had to be on them too. This automatically disqualified me from joining the military.
- I was put in a psych ward at the beginning of my freshman year of high school for some dark poems I wrote after my mother went rifling through my room (no boundaries allowed).
- I was placed in a home for adolescents with behavior issues for four months after my father died, which is where I learned how to lie to get my way. I was treated fairly there, I wasn’t used to that, and it was better than being at home trapped with her.
The further away I got from my mother, the better off I was. People don’t understand why we’re so desperate to get out of the house. We’d rather be dead than spend one more minute in that hell.
Everything is backward and upside down. You grow up with no understanding of the real world or healthy relationships.
Every time you try to get ahead, you keep getting stuck in the past.
As an adult, you start reliving the past, and sometimes it feels like you’re right back there, trapped and defenseless. These flashbacks can happen at any time, and usually, they happen at the most inconvenient times possible. Sometimes they happen for no reason at all, and then your mind is stuck there.
You can’t just snap out of it. Sometimes it can last for days, months, or years. I’ve been through it all, so I understand. It comes from decades of conditioning and programming. I felt like my mind was not my own, and it was never just me in my head. It was this nasty inner critic that was constantly and consistently tearing me to shreds and me.
I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that successful people don’t talk to themselves like that. I was taught to annihilate myself for even the smallest mistake, and then your mind wonders why this isn’t working.
It seems so simple on the other side of narcissistic abuse, but when you’re in it, and you’ve been there for decades, it’s a never-ending circle of madness.
A narcissistic parent conditions you to believe you’re too fragile, broken, and damaged to ever amount to anything.
When you’ve been raised by a narcissist, you’ve already survived decades of daily emotional, psychological, and many times physical abuse.
When you put a stop to the abuse, it gives you the space to heal. Healing from narcissistic abuse is exhausting, and the first year is always the hardest. A narcissistic parent will harass you and start doing even more crazy weird things to stop you from breaking away because their biggest fear is losing control.
They’re afraid you might see them for who they really are. They don’t want you to heal, and they don’t want you to get better. In the beginning, when you stop seeking their approval and stop asking for permission, that’s when their behaviors will really start to escalate.
Narcissistic abuse leaves a stronghold of control that remains even after going no contact.
It takes time to untangle yourself from the crazy and to detach yourself from them emotionally. It’s almost like you don’t where they start and you begin. It’s called enmeshment from being isolated under their complete control for so long.
At first, when you break away from a narcissistic parent, it’s very unfamiliar, and you deal with all the negative, dark, sometimes paralyzing memories.
That’s the hard part, and it took me close to three years to process a lifetime of abuse. I’m on the other side of that now, and I can tell you this is where you want to be, so please don’t give up. Don’t stop, it will get better, but you do have to go through it because there’s no other way to get to the other side.
What’s the worst thing you can do to a narcissist?
Get to know yourself, take care of yourself, and live a better life without them. Don’t worry, someday karma will show them how good you’re doing, and their life will still suck.
Deep down, narcissists know this too, and that’s why they work so hard and put in an extremely abnormal amount of effort to maintain control of their children and spouses.
If you need proof, start taking away the narcissist’s control and see how violently they react. No one can throw a bigger temper tantrum than a narcissist who’s losing control of someone else’s mind.
Here’s what you don’t need in your life.
- Judgment
- Blame
- Shame
- To be insulted
- To be ignored
- To be rejected
- To be ashamed
- Toxic relationships
- Abusive relationships
- More pain
We need to stop the abuse, so we have time to recover.
I was sick all the time as a kid, much more often than my siblings, because my mother’s toxic behavior affects my immune system. Can you believe it’s going on three years with no contact, and I haven’t been sick once?
Not once.
I’m taking care of myself. I’m not just writing this here and not doing the actual work for myself. I’m busting my ass trying to get right and stay right, but even all that still wasn’t enough. I have been searching for answers for years, and most things I’ve tried don’t work for people like us.
I did find one answer, and I’m going to share it with you next.
Every healing method you’ve tried hasn’t worked and isn’t able to fix this core issue.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, you’re told your instincts are wrong, and what you’re feeling isn’t real. They do everything they can to make you feel inferior and less than. Anytime you show the real you, it was shamed, scolded, or frowned upon.
This kind of trauma is deep in the subconscious, and it controls everything. Understanding yourself on a deeper level is the only way to stop these behaviors.
If you’re secure in who you are and own it, you won’t have these weird social issues around people anymore.
(RTT) Rapid Transformational Therapy is the only thing I’ve found that works and anything else you try will have temporary results, which is a complete waste of time, as in years and money.
You need and deserve the newest, most groundbreaking information on how to heal from narcissistic abuse, and RTT is what you’re looking for. I don’t care if you don’t take me up on my offer, and I don’t care if you find another certified practitioner. I can assure you that this will help you heal faster than you ever thought possible.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, it’s usually their way or nothing, and many times I chose nothing, and that’s what I got.
As an adult, I can take care of myself.
More than anything else, I want nothing from her.
She can keep her nothing.
Eventually, you realize you don’t need what you never had.
Nothing from her is everything to me.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
(RTT) Rapid Transformational Therapy and Uncompromised Life with Marisa Peer is a lifeline for you. A personal session with an RTT Practitioner is like ten years of traditional therapy in an hour and a half. You can check out my homepage for more information and sign up for a session.
Another at-home option for depression, PTSD, or C-PTSD you can connect with a professional therapist online.
Try Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
Thank you dearly for sharing your experiences and insights with regards to the long, painful, complicated and absolutely necessary journey of transcending and realizing our whole, integrated, authentic beings. I have begun my healing process only a month ago. I feel, for maybe the first time in my life, a true connection to those of you who have survived the abuse and are posting here and in other places, encouragement and assistance for the long road ahead to others who have believed until now that they were truly alone in this world. Im literally in tears, trembling as I try to express my gratitude to the beautiful souls who have shared here. I am not alone in the dark any longer and will never be again. Thank you, sisters..
My mother is a covert/ victim narcissist. She did not physically abuse me as my father (a police officer) did. She stood and watched him painfully assault and terrorize me. Always silent, just observing her 5 year old daughter being traumatized and hurt. It was an expression of disgust and contempt written always on her beautiful, cruel face. She was jealous of my youth and my appearance. The price I paid for these precious gifts included psychiatric long-term stays throughout my childhood, being forced to take near-lethal doses of lithium starting at age 13, and continuous Narcissistic abuse involving gaslighting, silent treatment, isolation, revoked privleges of all type, scapegoating, emotional neglect, rejection, smear campaigns, and eventually, abandonment. My sister was 2 years younger than I and of course was the Golden Child. She and my mother bullied, humiliated, and terrorized me relentlessly throughout my childhood. I became a reclusive, silent, suicidal young girl who sat alone in the darkness of my bedroom and cried endlessly while cutting my forearm and disassociating to records by Joy Division and The Cure. I was branded as being crazy and had absolutely no person whom I could trust or confide in. My lifelong addiction to benzo’s and heroin began at age 14. I was homeless and dropped out of high school by 17. By 19, I had slept with over 100 men. My pimp got me addicted to crack cocaine. My father was aware of most of these things, but would not allow me to live in his 4 bedroom, empty house in the middle of the woods.
After 3 rehabs, I knew instinctively that I had to leave everything I had ever known to travel alone to the opposite coast. The distance and no contact began to heal and cleanse me again. I developed some semblance of confidence and tried to change the way I thought about myself. I actually began to thrive. After a bad split with my boyfriend, I drove across country back to my family, who surely will be thrilled with my new identity and the positive changes I had worked so hard to make. My father ordered me not to set foot on the property and my mother threw me out of her boyfriend’s house that I was invited to stay in briefly after only two days. They originally gave me one month to secure employment and relocate to.. who cares? My mother was extremely bothered by my tanned, toned look and my fledgling, still budding confidence. Her jealousy of me enraged her. My golden child sister had been seeing my ex-boyfriend that she knew I still had feelings for, while I was away. After my hopeful attempt at acceptance by my family ended in cruel rejection and a smear campaign, I found and lived in an abandoned house that was very isolated and hidden deep in the woods. Another failed overdose. Another psych stay. Back to the hard street drugs.
The uncanny thing about my story, as you will most likely relate to, is that even at this point in my life, I still believed that my family was pretty normal. That my parents really did love me, even though I was a psychotic person who was extremely defiant angry and embarrassing to my family. Even though I was such a waste, a disgusting, useless, stupid child that was also ‘spoiled rotten’. If I could only change enough to deserve to be in the presence of my family they will realize the mistake they made when they rejected me. Over time, my thoughts became less and less about my failure as a daughter and I focused on my addiction full-time.
I am now 45 years old. I have been through it all. And I have one year clean from using drugs. The void they filled became empty though, and I took to painting and writing in my journal. After filling 3 journals, it became clear to me that in order for me to heal from the abuse and find peace in my life, I had to reassess my life, what it was that had turned me into such a voracious addict in the first place. I had to process my childhood unattached to the beliefs I have always been taught by my mother, father and golden child sister. I had to revisit without any attached prejudice, so that I could form my own thoughts and perspectives of what the root of my suffering was, so that I could begin the healing process. So after months of re-processing my past and forming my first very own perspectives, I found an enormous variation between what I now believed and what I was taught since I was born to believe. I was not prepared to learn that my entire life was a terrible lie. I began to realize so many truths so quickly that I was shell shocked by the depth and depravity of the cruel belief system my family had created and kept me a prisoner of. Then I realized that… I am not crazy. Or stupid. Or a bad person. Or weak and broken. I was a scapegoated daughter of a family of abusive narcissists that had attempted for my entire life to destroy me and humiliate me for their own pathetic and selfish agenda.
And that was it. That is all it was.
This realization gave me horrible panic attacks and I thought that I was having a mental breakdown that I would never recover from and I simply could take no more in this lifetime.
So that brings me to where I am today. I have had non-stop deeply repressed memories surfacing uncontrollably, flashbacks, panic attacks, crying episodes. And now I feel a deep dark red boiling rage beginning to form. How could my parents violate me like this?
Considering that I have never learned how to trust anyone or what a healthy relationship is, the fear of being hurt or rejected has kept me from reaching out for help. But I am convinced that I can not navigate this process of healing by myself. I think that I need guidance and support from someone who is familiar with this process to take over from this point. I am fully committed to my healing process as there is no other option for me. I am very interested in RRT. I will begin researching it now.
I apologize for being so pedantic and for this post being so long. Thank you so much for this experience and the opportunity to post my thoughts. Be kind. Stay Strong. Love.
Hi Kristen,
No, thank you for bravely sharing your story. This is what happens to us and it’s so unfair because we didn’t do this to ourselves, it was done to us. And you’re right, once you start healing there’s no other direction to go. Strength and love right back at you.
How does RTT work?
I’ve been my entire life with anxiety and self esteem issues due to childhood trauma. Now in a narcissistic relationship and I have 2 small kids which I need to have protected. How can I help me so I can help them
Hi Adelina,
I’m glad you asked. How RTT works with the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind records everything that’s ever happened to you in your entire life and when you experience something traumatic in childhood it leaves an imprint. These imprints are the root cause of issues like anxiety and self-esteem. I’m specially trained to help you understand what happened with your adult mind and when you fully understand that what happened wasn’t your fault and you were not to blame, it dissolves and resolves the anxiety.
Understanding is power and after all you’ve been through the mind gets confused and starts to believe things especially if it keeps happening or repeating over and over again. RTT lets you straighten all this out and when you believe in yourself again, when you have unshakable confidence and trust yourself completely because you know the truth then you will be unstoppable. You will trust your instincts when it comes to your children’s needs and you will never question whether or not you can trust yourself ever again.
You don’t have to continue feeling this way and by the time the session is over your cup will be overflowing. That’s what RTT feels like, and everyone should have this experience.
Wow, I read this article when I woke up this morning. I don’t sleep well. I slept sitting up lastnight because when the n8ght time comes I have an immense fear that takes over.
I was adopted at 9 months after almost dying at 3 months. My biological mother is and was an alcoholic. She left me for days in my crib to go out to party. My aunt found me and rushed me to the hospital, 3 months it took to get me back to normal. Then a foster home, then adopted.
My adoptive pareñts were wealthy but abusive. I was not loved. At 14 yrs of age I had an adoption breakdown. They put me back into children’s aid.
My life has been like a hundred bad movies. I’m 42 and I don’t know how to let it all go. I’ve been to at least 20 different therapist. I’m stuck in the past. I don’t believe I deserve love. Sometimes I wish for death. I really want to move on, I don’t know how. Please help me. I don’t want to keep being a statistic.
Oh yeah, did I mention I’m indigenous. Which makes the stigma worse.
I live in Ontario, Canada.
Hi Shannon,
Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to email you directly.
Thank you so much. I wanted to comment it’s been three years for me too and I haven’t been sick.
I was always told I was depressed my real health issues were ignored, mine was/is a nurse on paper, and at 33 I am finally seeing i may not actually have some incurable unidentifiable and intrinsic sickness.
I am becoming a stronger person even though I still have to deal with narcissistic personalities at my workplace too often. I balance this, catching feeling helpless, with a belief I am a caring person. I have been researching this topic for a while. Thank you for describing healing as brutal, I can appreciate that.
Hi Christine,
I know what you mean, I was always trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Turns out it wasn’t something, it was someone. Thank you for sharing.
I only just parted with my narcissistic/abusive father about two years ago. my mom, brother, and I ran from that toxic environment late one night and stayed with friends and family. We told him if he got help and showed true improvement we would come back… A month later our home of 20 years “mysteriously” burned to the ground. My mom immediately filed for divorce and my grandma took my little brother out of state for a week to hide ( he got the most abuse). Ever since the only contact was for divorce hearings and around Christmas time last year he gave my brother and I Christmas cards(mine went straight in the trash as soon as I checked to see if there was money or not, there wasn’t). Now my mom is so much healthier and happier, my brother is as goofy and geeky as can be, and I am engaged to the man he insisted I break up with 6 years ago. I don’t know what he’s up to now and I couldn’t care less. We are living our best lives, one day at a time.
Hi Alina,
All I can say is you’re amazing! I’m sure this isn’t even half the story, you managed to come out on top against all odds. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, just wow! I was taken away from my mom at 4 and a half, spent time together n a state children’s home, then adopted by a woman from hell. My new dad worked constamtly, so he didn’t really see what she did to my brother and i. I could never make the right decisions for her, and she was also very physically abusive. It was horrible. I was told I was someone else’s left over and someone’s else’s problem child. Are age 22 I found my bioligical family and my birth mom didn’t treat me well either. She didn’t like the way I did things cause I was taught by someone else. Well,one day I told her what I thought of her and she did not like it. I am 69 now, and in the last few years started healing from their abuse and I absolutely love myself. I’m smart and loving and reading your article made me so happy to know I’m on the correct path. I love life now. I do deal with PTSD , but have gotten help with that. So, no more anti depressants, no more self-hate. Thank you so much for sharing with the world. Keep in keeping on. Yay, life!!!
Hi Sherri,
That’s a wow, right back at you. I don’t know how you made it through this. I’ve been reading stories about narcissistic adoptive parents who adopt children for there own sick psychological needs. Certainly not because they want to help the child and be a good mother to them. It’s too bad your birth mother never got well either. You don’t need their love and approval to be whole, none of us do. You would make a great life coach with all the things you’ve had to overcome. I’m so glad you’re doing well and living your life. In the end, we win.
How do I help my step babies, how can I help to empower them. Thier mother is a full blown narcissist . She tried to kill my husband when they were married in front of our daughter when she was 3 years old. When our son was 7 he tried to kill him self 6 times. We are in the middle of a custody battle, and our babies are so beaten down. Idk what to do with this, ive never experienced this kind of evil before.
I’m almost 58 and have a narcissistic sister. I keep trying to end our relationship but my family doesn’t understand. They keep saying just get along. She’s 5 yrs younger, but I’ve been putting up with her abuse since she was about 11 and I was 16. I can’t take anymore.
Hi Kathy,
I’ve always struggled with my little sister too and we don’t have a relationship anymore because she’s pretty nasty to everyone around her.
I truly believe that just because you were born into a certain family doesn’t mean you were meant to spend the rest of your life with them.
Your sister may never grow up so we outgrow them and get to a point where you’re indifferent.
You don’t have to go full-on no contact or get approval from your family. Toxic is toxic and you don’t have to put up with it no matter who it is.
Take care of you.
My sister is a single, adoptive mother of two children. One is a boy, 13, with special needs (episodes of temporary violence – otherwise an angel), and the other, a girl, 12, who has always been the target of his physical abuse. She is now the target of her mother’s mental, psychological, and emotional abuse.
They have both been with my sister since infancy. My sister adopted to relieve her loneliness since she couldn’t keep any friends and every time she lost someone, it was all their fault, because she is perfect (sadly, I believe that she really believes that.) The one seemingly stable friend she had was killed in a car accident several years ago.
I spend my days trying to figure out how to neutralize, as best I can, the damage being done to my niece’s self-esteem and self-worth. I have only recently learned what it means to love myself, to truly love who I am (The Power of Now was a catalyst for me as well!) And with self-love, I learned my life’s purpose, to ensure my niece has what she needs to create a happy life for herself as an adult, including a true love for who she is and healthy relationships with others — a genuinely fulfilling life — something that I didn’t have a chance at, until now, by helping her figure out who she is on her own, separate from her mother. I don’t want her to have to wait as long as I did to know happiness and understand love. I am 46.
Damn, I love her like she is my own little girl and I’ll never go another day (interaction) with her without showing and telling her that.
I’ve been asking, “Why does my mother hate me?” as long as I can remember. Thanks to your article I now understand that she hates herself. I have never known another person who holds so much hatred in their heart as my mother. I have been in therapy for nearly a year and have not had contact with her for a year. I’m 56 years old now and truly believe it’s never too late to begin to better your life. It is difficult to not feel guilty because she is old and her body infirm but her mind is as it ever was. It is a challenge to fend off offensive siblings and relatives so I have pretty much left my entire family. I am learning how to love myself and find acceptance and approval within. I am unlearning fear and lack and insecurity and many other depressing things. I’m going to spend the rest of my life working on filling my cup with love and learning how to receive love. Your words “nothing from her is everything to me” resonates with me also. Thank you.
Hi Gretchen,
Here’s to the other side of narcissistic abuse.
It’s better here.
Thank you for sharing your positivity and courage, may we all be brave enough to step into the unknown.
Wow it’s like I wrote this ! It’s very encouraging to hear someone understands what I’m going through
I feel as if this was written about my life except that my mother has been gone for 9 years and I miss her dreadfully. I know that sounds strange especially when I have been in therapy for depression and PTSD for the last 11 years with my current psychiatrist and many years before that. I even saw a therapist in high school because I couldn’t deal with the cruelty shown me – especially when my mother was drunk. Anyway, thanks for this post and others on this topic. I have new insights into my detachment and numbness now.
Thank you for putting all of the jumbled words in my head into this article! I’ve never read something that made so much sense! I haven’t spoken to my mother in 8 years, but only recently started working on my mental health. I have always felt so guilty for living my life, but I also always thought “I went to school, I have a good job, I don’t get in trouble….why is my life considered so wrong to her?” It never made sense to me. I’m so sorry to everyone who is going through these life lessons!!! We are all pretty awesome and it’s their loss.
Hi Kirsten,
I know, it makes no sense. I also have a wonderful daughter who does nothing wrong. She attacks her like she’s some terrible person for having her own thoughts and feelings.
I see my daughter as the best thing ever and that’s when I understood my mother wanted to destroy her because she’s a good person.
Watching it happen forced me to deal with the reality that this is what she’s done to me my whole life.
It is her loss because we’ve lost nothing from leaving her behind.
I am coming up on 4 years of no contact with my alcoholic narcissist mom. She was controlling, emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I was the black sheep, oddly as I was the only one who looked like her mini me. I think I reminded her how much she hated herself. She would neglect common illnesses until I had to hospitalized and that took a toll on my little body over the years. She emotionally abandoned me around age 8. Tried to runaway multiple times and fell in with the wrong crowd (because I was bad, stupid, a loser, etc according to her) I struggled to make it work and moved away as soon as I could escape. She sabotaged my wedding and I ended up eloping and went low contact. I thought she changed after a few years but she didn’t, even had the nerve to ask if my first born could call her mom (she already had 2 other grandkids by then) and finally at 30 years old I cracked. She turned all of my siblings against me when I outed her and her poisonous tactics. They are all very codependent on her and I’m watching my siblings flush their lives (and their kids’) down a bottle of vodka or wine. Producing another generation of emotionally wounded and neglected children.
The first 2 years were the hardest. She stalked me and my life collapsed. I began getting seriously ill, developed allergies(Ironically to alcohol among many other), panic attacks, migraines and I was diagnosed with a chronic viral condition just to name a few. My immune system was wiped. I came too close to dying and I was smoking loads of weed to numb out and just feel good enough to smile. I made another mom friend on a chance encounter and she pointed out I apologize constantly. She knew I had been through some shit and she has been crucial- an accepting friend. Most people won’t get it, going NC, even thinking you have a NPD parent is mind blowing for most people, especially bc the children of narcs are more often very loving, good people. You aren’t doing it for them though, this is for me and my kids to have a better chance.
It’s gotten somewhat easier as time goes on. I saw a therapist for over a year until I was hospitalized for my pregnancy and she helped me open up and start trusting again. I had pushed all of my friends away in an attempt to hide my shame, hopelessness and shield myself. I think I’m ready to start rebuilding relationships and letting people back in. I am going to find a life coach bc I think that is a great suggestion, I wouldn’t have pursued it for fear of more judgement but I am willing to try. Every time you let go of the fear of changing, the hold they have on us dissolves some. I can say easily now, I am excited for the future and the freedom it holds. <3
Hi Gwen,
We don’t talk enough about the physical toll this takes especially when we’re trying to figure out the mental and emotional part.
I agree the first two years are the hardest and I hear it a lot because those two years feel like ten.
Most people don’t understand no contact because they think it’s so bad and unhealthy until they read stories like yours.
We have two choices, stay trapped forever until it kills us or run like hell and be free.
I choose to be free too.
Thank you for sharing your story, immune system issues are real and directly caused by this kind of toxic abuse.
Thank you for your story. It makes me feel better about going no contact with my mom for almost 3 years. She passed away last December and I can honestly say that even on their death bed, they are Narcissistic. They will almost never change and it’s not our fault. We are screwed up and it’s not our fault. I feel a sense of relief now that she’s gone but every once awhile the guilt creeps in and I start feeling bad about not being there for her in her beginning stages of cancer, but then I remember, she didn’t tell me she had cancer until 2 weeks before she died. It’s not my fault. None of it. I’m free now and I’m healing. I have a long road ahead of me but I know the way.
Hi Verniece,
Relief, freedom, healing, thank you for sharing.
Wow Qwen…. sounds like you literally lived my life! Thank you for your comments to this post , I don’t feel so alone in the world knowing others have gone through this too!
Hi Gwen,
I never understood my past and how addictive personality could affect life. The constant apologizing and always feeling guilt or not enough. Although life changed I was damaged. The monsters kept reliving in my mind just to get some closure which never came, although my life was full with my family.
Forgiveness is well and good. But I learned a hard lesson families can be damaged and that is not your journey.
Sometimes families need a scapegoat for there own design . The key is never go back home without a support person. Or just do not go. Healing is very trying and some people do not make it. Respect yourself for this is totally underestimated scenario in families. Be well because life is beautiful and very fragile. Guilt can be a powerful tool of manipulation.
You do not ever have to put family first before your own well being ,if your broken hearted and know it . Take care of yourself first so you do not have a set back. Believe
in your instincts. Best of luck creating your joy and loving life.
Omg! This is nearly identical to my story! Thank you for writing this! Maybe in a few years, I can write my own story as well, to help others heal! It is so freeing to see this… even the medications as a child, her going through my stuff all the time, even reading my notes from school… then the children’s home… etc…
I have been no contact since Christmas & I have a therapist now… but there is so much healing in this article! In hearing someone else say, me too… and let’s begin healing!!! Thank you!
Hi Meagan,
I still find it disturbing how similar our stories are. It happens all over the world and we’re so isolated we don’t know there are others just like us.
I’m glad this helps set you free. Don’t wait to write your story, start now! I would love to read it.
I wish all of us would write our stories so the whole world can see them and then they won’t be able to ignore us anymore. Thank you for sharing such positive energy.
Thank you a thousand times over. I’m 44 have a bipolar/narc mother and lost my son to her as well. Finally made the decision to have no contact with either of them 18 months ago and even though it nearly destroyed me I know it was the right choice. My health is suffering big time, it all caught up with me so much my adrenals and thyroid are shot. I’m determined to heal and reading your story so much paralleled with my own life it opened my eyes. I’m not crazy. Thank you for the push in the right direction. Maybe now I can heal.
Hi Michelle.
This brings tears to my eyes because I know what you’re going through. You realize you’re not crazy, and then you wish you were crazy so you can fix what’s wrong.
It sounds like you’re coming out of the fog of war.
You’re still young; I love my forties, best years of my life so far. The body can heal itself with a little care and time. Please go easy on yourself for a really long time until you’re ready; at our age, the pain manifests physically.
Thanks soo much for sharing your story, I can’t tell you how much it means to me. My mother passed away when I was 16 and raised by my narcissistic father. It’s been a nightmare . I’m 50 now and trying to fix me. So again, Thankyou you’ve been really helpful.
Paula
Hi Paula,
My Dad died at 16 and I was raised by my narcissistic mother. Like why, why keep the narcissist around? The mean ones live forever. Thank you for sharing your parallel universe with me.
My mum died when I was 17, leaving my narcissistic father behind & my sister is similar to him. I have chronic headaches. I’ve just turned 40. They are in my life still because they live nearby and technically they haven’t done anything publicly abusive to me since my 20s. Now there’s grandkids too. But the low grade abuse of non acceptance is still there. They always 2nd guess my decisions & make me feel stupid. They don’t know how to love. I do. And so it makes me need so much more from them. I know my headaches are a result of their treatment of me. I’ve had headaches for a decade now. I’m so tired.
Hi Chrissy,
I always said my mother treats me like a 2nd class citizen even as a young child. I vividly recall exactly how you’re feeling and one day I decided I deserved better and stopped talking to them. Since my late thirties, I get bad tension headaches and they take so long to recover from, I hope you’re seeing a doctor to help take that edge off, it helps. You can’t function properly when you’re in pain like this, I can’t even think straight, my chiropractor knows me well too.
Don’t try to do this all on you’re own, get that massage or whatever you have to do and take care of your body. I swear the stress manifest physically in your forties.
Wish I would of read this two years ago. Perhaps I would still have my son.
Great information- thanks for sharing!
God Bless
Hi Julie,
Losing a child to this is one of the worst things in this world. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thank you so much for writing about your story! It is so refreshing to know I am not alone and aren’t “crazy” for thinking ill of my mom. I am only 4 months into therapy and setting boundaries with my mom. You can see her losing herself because me (25) and one other sibling (31) finally have had enough. I live in a different state which helps tremendously, but still have high anxiety and have to really coach myself through our interactions.
Thank you for showing people we are not alone!!
Hi Maisie,
I wish I would’ve found out at your age. I feel like not knowing held me back most of my adult life.
You’ve got a huge advantage and a real opportunity to heal and live your best life.
I like how you say you coach yourself through those interactions, that’s good advice, thank you for sharing it.
I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now and she has helped me tremendously. I was doing so much better until I met a woman who reminded me of my mother and had to work with her until we were all sent home. She brought it all back. I have regressed and become an emotional mess again. Healing from a narcissistic mother is a very hard road to travel.
Your blog has helped me put things back into perspective and it is always good to know you aren’t alone.
Hi Louise,
I know what you mean. I’ve come to expect the setbacks when things resurface. My blood boils and fire shoots out my eyes.
We will never forget, how could we when it’s all around us.
I’m right there with you, this post was a good day. Thank you for sharing so others will know healing from this is full of hills and valleys.
You should be very proud of yourself. I have a narcissist ex husband and we raised 3 children…I worry about patterns on top of the mental side of the abuse. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Christina,
What helped me the most was having one person, just one person in my corner who believed in me. Sounds like you are that person for your kids. I will work on being proud of myself, thank you for that.
“Nothing from her is everything to me ” that hit the spot…now i realize what i wanted my entire life…i couldnt answer myself i kept soul searching for answers wat is it i want that will make me happy…never got the answer…today i felt like u summed up my life for me …my sister abused me mentally ever since i remember …i left home got married..but kept looking for my souls peace…Thanks for giving me my answer Nothing from her is Everything to me…My small beautiful world minus her presence is what i have been searching for… too simple to handle her by not wanting anything from her.God Bless You fr helping people by writing all this.
Hi Shruti,
Your comment is the voice of freedom, that’s the feeling that convinced me I was doing what was best for me.
There’s a price for peace, but it’s worth it. Thank you for adding this.