Daughters with narcissistic mothers are fighting back in ways that no one sees.
Narcissistic mothers do so much damage to their children we question whether we should bring our own children into the world.
Some of us refuse to have children because we know things about the world most people will never experience, and most of the time don’t even believe people like this exist.
Daughters with narcissistic mothers are isolated from the world.
Concentrating in school is a lost cause when you’re basically in a fog most of your childhood. Making friends is impossible when you’re not allowed to have them.
There is no support system outside of your mother; outside of her, you know nothing.
You won’t be close to your siblings since everyone else is traumatized and doing their best to get through the day. There’s no emotional support or anyone to help talk you through things in life because no one is allowed to influence you.
By the time you develop some awareness, you feel like you’ve been left in the dark.
Your feelings don’t matter, your voice doesn’t count, and the only way to get scraps of love is to always be agreeable.
Agree or be punished…
Daughters with narcissistic mothers can never win their mother’s approval.
I wasted a lifetime trying to please my mother so I, too, would be considered loved and loveable.
Meanwhile, she’s doing everything in her power to make sure I can never measure up.
Imagine being put down every single day of your childhood.
Imagine everything you do, everything you say is criticized and invalidated on a daily basis.
Now tell me, how do you recover from that and act like a normal adult?
You don’t.
Narcissistic mothers make sure everyone in the family blames you.
Many of us never know the truth and never recover.
The family is 100% unanimous and agreed on one thing; you’re the problem.
You have no rights, no way to defend yourself, and judgment has been passed. By the time you realize what’s happening, it’s already too late. Your only choice is to accept that you must be the problem because you’re the only one who doesn’t think so.
Eventually, you’re convinced you’re a terrible person, and you must be if you’re own mother doesn’t love you.
Deep down, you carry these lies with you. You believe them, which convinces us we can’t be good mothers.
The reality is your whole life is, in fact, a lie.
Everything you know and everything you’ve been told is 100% false.
This journal is the story of my life, and only daughters with narcissistic mothers will understand what it feels like to be sabotaged since birth.
With this kind of mother, you don’t need enemies.
They need to see their children fail and feel like failures so they can feel better about themselves. She becomes extremely jealous of her daughter’s youth. She will do anything to destroy her daughter’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love.
And yes, all of this is to serve one ultimate purpose, to make her feel a little better inside.
No one is allowed to be better or more right than her. Being right is the only thing that matters to a narcissistic mother, and what is right doesn’t matter at all. When she’s bored, she loves to play her favorite game of messing with your emotions. It’s so simple and yet almost impossible to understand. What kind of a mother purposely plays games with her child’s emotions just for fun?
There’s really no more to it.
That’s it.
You find out the only reason you were abused your whole childhood was so your mother could entertain herself when she’s bored or have someone to blame so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her behavior. She’s not a good mother; she’s not really a mother at all. It’s the ultimate betrayal because you realize she’s your worst enemy and all you ever did was love her.
The deepest kind of sadness.
This is something I’ve been aware of my whole life. I’ve carried this sadness with me and never understood it. When you’re raised by a narcissistic mother who doesn’t have the ability to love you, it leaves a permanent sense of sadness.
It lives there inside you, with your soul. Your soul knows this is not a loving mother, and it’s always known if you look deep enough.
When this kind of sadness sits for too long, it turns into rage. It stays there to remind me that in this life, I will never experience what’s it’s like to have a loving mother, and it’s way past time to start protecting myself from her. When you get to this anger stage, it’s there for a reason, and it turns into your best defense against narcissistic abuse.
If you can’t trust you’re own mother, what do you do?
You question every decision you’ve ever made because you were taught to believe you could trust your mother. You were taught to believe everything she said and did was in your best interest.
But it’s a lie.
Daughters with narcissistic mothers are traumatized.
Traumatized children grow up to be traumatized adults. You, of course, are entirely unaware of this and have been lied to your whole life about what a loving mother feels like. You don’t have an idea what it feels like to be loved by a mother, and you have no idea how to be a mother.
Half the time, you wonder if you are your mother. I would never want to treat a child the way my mother treated me, and I wasn’t prepared when my two babies came into the world. I was beaten down with absolutely zero emotional support or any support of any kind from my family.
It was easy to convince me I was a bad person and could never be a good mother.
I gave up my children to save them. My children didn’t bond with their adoptive family, and it didn’t go well, but I know, and you know it was the lesser of two evils.
I would choose men who treated me the same way my mother did. Being treated this way was familiar to me because that kind of abusive interaction is what home feels like.
By signing those papers to give up my children, it gave them one thing I never had.
A choice.
Their fathers couldn’t touch, and neither could my mother. They were safer without me than with me. Today as adults, I remind them both they don’t owe anyone anything. A piece of paper may change your name and make you live with some people until you’re eighteen, but after that, you’re free. I patiently waited fifteen years to see and speak to my children. It wasn’t hard to win them back because my love for them is the purest thing I have.
Narcissistic mothers take away a child’s right to be human.
When you’re raised to believe you’re bad and you’re attacked daily by a narcissistic mother, you were never given a fair fight.
You never had a chance.
In some ways, our lives seem to happen to us instead of us making our lives happen. We end up being forced into adoptions, and many times, the narcissistic grandmother tries to legally adopt the children after she single-handedly destroyed her own daughter in unexplainable and insidious ways.
A narcissistic grandmother will do anything to be in control, to keep control, and will go to any length to destroy her own children. They will lie, cheat, steal, call the cops, and turn you into child protection services if you refuse her access to her grandchildren.
It’s insanity.
She will do everything in her power to turn your children against you. If she can’t do that, she’ll systematically chip away at their self-esteem, choosing a favorite and a bad one for narcissistic supply. My purpose is to break this cycle and stop this from happening to the next generation. My grandchildren will be free from all of this.
What daughters with narcissistic mothers are up against.
This illness in your family has been going on for generations. It didn’t start with you and not because of you. It’s been going on for hundreds of years, and if you’re here, you’ve been chosen for a very important task.
This kind of abuse doesn’t stop until someone wakes up and puts a stop to it. One of the worst things that can happen to the daughter of a narcissist is to have her children ripped away by the mother who abused her.
Would you be able to recover if your children were turned against you by your own mother?
These are not the kind of wounds that heal. The best thing about kids is they believe the truth when they hear it in their mother’s voice. Children with loving mothers sense these things. Just like children with narcissistic mothers sense, something is wrong, but they don’t know what it is.
The ultimate sacrifice is doing what’s best for your children no matter what the cost is to you as their mother. Protecting the next generation is the only thing that matters because we would never want our children to experience what we went through.
My children are young adults now, and my only mission is to help them heal so before I die, they can be whole and live their best life. The truth is the daughter of a narcissistic mother can be an excellent mother. A better mother than the one she was given because of the pain she suffered as a child. If you make a mistake (as all mothers do), the guilt is brutal, but it makes you better.
Many of us still choose not to have children for fear of continuing the cycle of abuse. We understand damaged people raise damaged children, and if I did to my children what my mother did to me, I would never forgive myself. For those of you who choose not to have children, I want you to know I understand, and you have my respect.
For those of you still fighting to get your babies back, please know we can hear you because we are just like you, and you are not alone.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
Ahh, my comment came out in one long paragraph.
As a kid, I always felt something was off. My parents broke up when I was 6 and I chose to live with my father, seeing my mom on the weekends. I am my dad’s only child and the second child of my mother, three of us. We all have different dads. You wouldn’t expect my mom to have three kids with different men. She is very prissy/preppy and acts like Miss Suzy Sunshine. She needs a man to take care of her. She didn’t go to college or study a trade.
I hated her when she had my younger half-brother. She just broke up with my dad and 15 minutes later had another kid with another man. It was confusing to me. She had a grudge towards me because I chose my father but what did she expect? Her love was so fake and hollow. She didn’t beat us, we didn’t starve, but the covert emotional abuse was there, I just didn’t understand.
My mom is very passive aggressive. She rarely will say or confront if she is mad, but she will talk $hit about someone behind their back all day, even family members. Her favorite sport is gossiping.
I have called her out over the years, even given specific examples of things that were said or that have happened. She would tell me that I’m exaggerating, I should see a therapist, I’m too sensitive, it was a joke etc. She will never admit to her faults. She will never have that moment, “maybe it’s me”. She can do no wrong in her mind.
I live 3k miles away and it’s heaven. I’m pretty low contact and I would love to go no contact. I don’t tell her much about my life. She always asks and I’ll respond with the most mundane things. I’ve opened up to her in the past and I would get, “talk to your father”, “what do you want me to do about it?”, and other comments like that. Why does she think that I want to open up to her after getting those kind of comments? She used to say that if it doesn’t work out where I am that I can come back home. Why would I want to go back to that? I’m certain she doesn’t like that her narcissistic supply has left the area for good. Misery loves company..
I once had an issue with what she said and she said, “Why does it bother you? Why can’t you just say, ‘that’s my mom, that’s how she is’ and not let it bother you.” So, she wants to be able to say whatever she wants, and I’m just supposed to take it? My solution to that is to talk to her less and less and do it out of obligation only. I don’t get any joy from talking to her. She will say that we need to talk more, and it’s been too long. I’m scratching my head. She just doesn’t get it, but she also thinks she is oh, so smart and clever.
She will also talk to me like a child. She asks if I still workout, I say yes, and she says, “good girllllllll”, like I’m a puppy or toddler. I travel a lot and she jokingly tells people that I’m a “spy”, and it’s just so infantilizing. I’m certain that her baby talk and treating me like a kid has affected me and my development. When discovering that she was a narcissist a few years ago, it made sense as to why I did things and how I’ve acted in the past. I’m angry that she has stunted me on purpose, it’s like she did it to get back at me or to send a message that I’m worthless without actually telling me.
I want to see a counselor or therapist, but I’ve read many stories from people that the therapist downplays their experience and tells them that parenting is hard, and nobody is perfect. I don’t want to waste my money and time on someone who is oblivious to narcissistic parents. That’s why I come to these blogs, and I’ve read a few books that people have suggested. When reading them, it’s like a blueprint of my childhood and experiences. It helps me feel normal, that I’m not making things up like I’ve been told. I can’t talk to anyone outside of the internet, they don’t believe me because they think my mother is the greatest or they have a wonderful relationship with their mother, and they can’t believe a mother would behave like that.
I’m aware that all of this isn’t my fault, but it makes me angry and sad that I didn’t get a normal mother. I would be a completely different person if I just had a loving and stable home. I have so many years due to her abuse and it has caused me issues with my self-esteem, men, my behavior, depression etc.
Thank you for this blog, I can’t tell you how much it helps to come here to read, learn and vent. I wish this topic was put out there more, it seems like it is more common than people think.
I don’t have kids and won’t ever have kids because of many reasons, but yes seeing my mother’s severe ineptness to be emotionally equipped let alone financially equipped for it and having them out of the selfish fact she wanted them is a factor.
Hi Jade,
Yes! The only way to stop this kind of generational abuse is that someone on the inside has to wake up and put a stop to it. It can take decades of wisdom to figure this out because it’s the only way we’ve ever been treated. How could we know it wasn’t normal or not the way to treat people? I healed my trauma and changed everything I didn’t like about myself in my thirties. I think you’ve been activated as a curse breaker, and it’s not an easy thing to be. It’s very isolating. That’s why I wrote this blog, hoping I could find someone like me. And I did. Here you are, and there are millions of us. If you can see the pattern, then you’re here to do great things. I can feel it.
I just want to share I am 29 and just put together the pieces that my mom is a covert narcissist. I went no contact in November but was still too blinded by rage and hatred to see what was actually happening. I prayed yesterday for God and Archangel Zadkiel to release me from the pain and I felt them take it from me. 30 mins later I started journaling, not knowing why, but writing down 1 memory of her, then 2, then 3… until for the very first time I could see the pattern. The patterns she created that I have repeated with others my entire life – not understanding why I was hurt by people in the same way over and over again. I tried to stop it by isolating myself away from the world 2 years ago, and I now have no friends or relationships. I didn’t know how I would ever create a loving connection. But now that I can finally SEE the behavior, the pattern, the role she forced me in, and just the lies and manipulation that created my world view – I feel hopeful for my future. You can only overcome the problem once you see it.
Hi Raven,
It takes decades of wisdom to figure this out, plus we’re usually very isolated. On top of that, we don’t know what’s wrong with us or why we feel the way we do, and nobody can tell us. It’s the most mind-bending thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s so backward, and it’s the only mental condition where they treat the victim instead of the person with the problem. So, yeah, royally screwed is accurate. It’s a dirty trick. Now we’re going to unscrew ourselves, which is a new trick, something a narcissist can’t learn or do. And as far as your cousin’s children, don’t underestimate the power of your example. All we can do is plant the seed, and that’s all that matters.
How come it takes us so long to even realize our mother’s are narcissistic?? All the years I did therapy and I didn’t know, nor did anybody tell me, I wasn’t the problem. How can a society function like this and allow this type of abuse to go unnoticed and on some level acceptable. Not only is my mother narcissistic but so is her sister causing damage to my cousins. I’m an only child of a narcissistic mother who also has some major health issues. I feel like I royally got screwed. I chose not to have kids so I know it ends with me but my cousins all had children. I am very grateful for those who share to help others.
Hi Milca,
If you contact me directly at ragingfemalejournal@gmail.com I will do my best to help.
I hate her. I need help to scape. My head hurts So much. My leg is swollen. I’m so tire of this. No one helps me. I’m scared. I need to go but I don’t know how. I’m trapped with this monster. This world only moves with money. She is violent. She lies and I’m the “bad person”. Human rights? Shit! what should I do. I’m 23. Since I was 6 I wanted to scape but never happen. Dad abandoned me. Family? They think I’m nothing. She always lies. I can’t talk. They don’t know. No one knows me. I’m dying. I’m dead for real this time. Actually, I think I’m dead already, by the time you read this. it’s too late.
Hi Cris,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s like she’s systematically trying to destroy every member of the family. I’m sure your health issues are directly related to what she’s put you through. I say write that book and tell it to the entire world. I’ll be thinking of you and sending strength and healing.
You just described my life.milested by her brother at 4 yesrs ikd, by her through life, since I gathered the courage at 17 to tell her, she presented me as the hysterical an crazy to all relatives. Father destroyed and dead, brother dead from alcoholism, another brother of hers stole a great sum from me, my two marriages destroyed, my fathers’ inheritance stolen, just found out after 20 years. Now at 58 trying to reconstruct my life fron shambles. Still she managed to con me to rent her apartment to exploit my last resources. And at work to turn my 2 daughters against me. Buying them with the funds she misapprpiated. Took me 15 years of therapies to even start to see. Now I can see her, and that sickness in the stomach, I ended up in hospital at age 30 with an autoinmune bowel condition. Fighting to keep my health, my job, save and recover my daughters and gather enough resources and strength to leave. She is living with me, she made sure I had no resources or relative to turn to. Youngest daughter losing contact with me, keeps it with her. Too long a story, it could fill many books. Just praying for my daughters and to be able to end this nightmare and live to see it. She is 83 and keeping at it. It is maddening, sickening, brutal and feels hopeless at times. Feels like your life has been robbed. Now shevis going for my daughters as I dared to name what she had been and is doing. They are too innocent to see what is going on. Her revenge is terrible. Only those who have lived it can understand. Thank you for what you do.
Thank you for posting this. I hate to hear about all the pain that our mothers have put us through. If anyone is out there debating on whether or not they should cut ties with their mom, I say DO IT!! I recently cut ties with my mother, and it is the absolute best decision I have ever made. I tried staying cordial while loving her from afar, but it was not enough. I refuse to have her in my life because I could see her trying to sabotage my 5 yr old. I have two baby girls and I vow to be the best mother. With God and my husband by my side, I will succeed and I hope everyone else with a narcissistic mother will get through this because we all deserve to be happy. I don’t hate her nor do I care about her. I am FREE!
Hi Teri,
What your mother has done is textbook narcissistic behavior. They usually choose a favorite child and actively try to destroy them. In my experience and my opinion, the male “golden child” is the most scrambled and confused. It may take decades of maturity for him to figure it out. I’ve worked with many men like you’re describing with your son, and underneath, I always find a very hurt and confused inner child. The Golden Child has been sold a lie their whole life they are better than, that nothing is ever their fault, and they believe it the core. It’s almost the exact opposite of what happens to the scapegoat, and their biggest struggles will be in their adult relationships later in life.
When you’re trying to break the cycle of generational abuse, it gets extremely messy, and it looks like you’ve been chosen. Healing your trauma is vitally important because you are the curse breaker. I don’t know how old your son is, but emotionally maturity takes time, and it’s excruciating to watch. I’m glad you’re standing up to her, the universe sent you here for a reason, and your mother definitely needs a reality check. Narcissistic mothers don’t realize their children are people, so we must remind them. Don’t let her abuse you ever again, and if that means scaring the shit out of her, then so be it.
Oh my, this is going to be hard. I will start with the mundane, yet most common behavior.My horror began when I was born. I wasn’t a boy. I tried so hard to kiss my elbow so my parents would be happy. My Mom was a sociopathic narcisist with many other mental problems. She would turn on you in an instant with her eyes turning dull & flying into you with uncontrolable rage. She had a foul vulgar mouth & she lit into my dad with her fingernails; making his face look like a scene from ‘The Birds’. I would sit on my bed & shake like a leaf. After the divorce her attention turned to me. I’ll spare you the “you’ll never amount to anything’ part. She drank quite often after coming home from her business. I always felt she was ‘looking at herself in the mirror’ when she said I’d be pregnant before I was 16…I was a virgin and also told me I looked like a drug addict & flew into me one morning before I went to school. I was a good kid. I became involved with the church & joined a youth group. She would scream through the house spewing horrible things & using “God Dammit” just for spite and “I’ll be glad when you get off this Goddamned religious kick” She arranged for some photos to be taken & after the photographer left she lit into me and scratched my forehead with those fingernails in an obvious attempt to disfigure my face. She was pure EVIL. She would have me dance for her & her boyfriends ‘entertainment’ with gyrating & suggestive movements. Nothing changed until I was finally able to leave and I did so post haste.
I refused to get a phone & told no one where I livd.The demeaning attacks never stopped but I was out.
Skip to my eldest son. She had a disturbing obsession with him; actually cupping his genitals & shaking them to make him laugh. She got to work on him very early on screaming horrible language in front of him & would slap me in front of him as well. He was the boy she’d always wanted and he belonged to me; not for long. She hated my husband & told me she would ruin him. She Did. She told my son he didn’t have to mind me or my husband because she was our boss. He was in an inpatient facility by age 6. I cried on one visit & he looked at me with such an evil & sadistic look in his eyes & grinned at me so I would know he took great pleasure in that ‘power’. He was her mini-me and slung f bombs in my directions with a nice big helping of the C word & the crowd favorite”you effing Bi**h” Inpatient made him worse & they taught me how to hold him down. Lovely.She took it upon herself to give him his first haicut without saving the hair. I didn’t want to tell him about his ‘Father. He ran out on us after he first 6 weeks after birth. I knew my son would be crushed knowing his father wanted nothing to do with him. That man told this 6 year old strait to his face that very thing. I dont have to tell you what a mentaly damaging thing that was. My mother decided to tell him. I wonder if she ever entertained the thought of the damage she would cause…nah!
My husband & I divorced; I’m sure she did a happy dance. I moved him to another state to put as much distance between mom & son as possible and made the crushing decision to leave my youngest son with my new ex. It was already far too late to try and help him get his mind turned back around. We went to counceling evry week until he left my home. In my mothers mind I didn’t deserve to be respected or treated with any other regard other than complete and vicious hatred. She also told him all his problems were my fault. I tried to teach him to be independent & self reliant. When I taught him to do his own laundry my mother was furious; of course she tried to block any task I tried to teach him He suffered no consequences for any bad behavior other than my own. She made it clear to everyone in the family (including my neice & nephew) my son was her Golden Child. It was even mentioned in a eulogy by my Nephew. He is now a violent abuser who refuses to do anything around the house (when he had a girlfriend). No help in the kitchen…Nothing.
I didn’t realize how deep her depravity truly was. She did all of this damage on purpose and with a viciousness I truly cannot wrap my head around.
Back when he was still a toddler my mother went off on me telling me what a piece of shit I was…yada yada & I’d had enough of her scratching & rage. I got one arm behind her back & the other keeping her head still so she would have to listen to me. I finally was able to push back & I told her if she ever came at me again she would get hurt. I also informed her that I WAS NOT worthless. I had my own Karaoke Company & had three employees and added that she was NEVER to speak to me in a disrespectful manner again I got it out & she got quite an earfull. A few weeks later I saw that wild look in her eyes & I looked her in the eye & said “don’t even think about it”.
There is so much more I haven’t mentioned, but I’m sure you already knew that.
Has any child whose brain has been scrambled so completely been able to regain any normal thought? Are they ever able to hear the truth & accept it? Is there any hope of mending this destruction enough to reestablish a parent-son relationship?
Thank you so much for reading my edited story.
Teri tfeaser@aol.com
Yes R A lady, I can feel what you mean. I’m 58 today as a matter of fact but after I went NC with my narcissistic mother in 2013, I moved here seven years ago in 2014. I had to rebuild my emotional psyche completely. I chose not to have a therapist or to find a child trauma specialist in recovery. My mother was in my head to much for my entire life and I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my head period. I became my own therapist and guess what? It has worked! I no longer hate my mother nor do I care about her at all. I feel ZERO feelings for her. I feel nothing that’s how I knew I was free at last from her abuse. It would never haunt me again and it hasn’t. But it took a LOT OF MIND POWER to overcome but you can do it! It’s not that you weren’t worth loving IT WAS ABOUT HER NOT BEING ABLE TO LOVE ANYONE. IT WAS ABOUT HER MENTAL ISSUES NOT YOURS! SO stop thinking that way and train your brain to have positive thoughts like the last two before this sentence! I’m proof it works!
Hi Jean,
This pretty much sums it up. It’s so close to my experience it’s too close. My mother convinced the family I would die out there without them until I was about thirty and they realized I was going to live. Even my aunt said they spent all that time worrying about me dying and what a waste of energy. It’s like they suck all the energy out of the room and then completely waste it. Energy vampires. It’s okay now though, I have narcissist repellent, and the brand name is called Rage. Thank you for commenting, this is pure motivation for me to keep going.
Let’s see narc mommy and her friends and family.
Means growing up knowing how lazy and stupid you are.
Knowing how bad you are although you don’t do drugs. drink. or sneak out and run around.
Living out in the country / sticks and no one sees the abuse and you realize that even if they did no one would care.
Being told by a therapist / counselor that your mother would “never do anything to hurt you really or put you in danger”. You learn that no matter what she does she is always in the right and no one in the community (adult) will actually help you. Can’t trust adults. In other words no matter what she does even if its physical violence no one will help you. (What she does is not really considered abuse by community.)
Realizing that other members of your family are also narcs so no help there. You’ve also heard the family stories that are not as funny as the narcs make them out to be. Someone is hurt and it is the funniest thing they have ever heard or seen. Sure laughing if someone is hurt or sad is funny (sarcasm).
I decided early on that having children on my part would be wrong. Why would I want to put an innocent child through the he** that I went through growing up.
I hate being a magnet for these types of people. ex. friends
Of course when I pretest this type of treatment I’m the one with the problem. I’m glad that I was not really sick when growing up. I would have died at a young age in my families tender care. But I know me being sick or dead would have been used to my families benefit. Even now it would be used to the little narcs benefit.
At the narc mommies death the child is not mourning the parent but what should and could have been. It seems that they don’t realize that eventually the child, even if it takes till the child is 40, will eventually find out the truth of this way of living, that it is not normal. Imagine that. You realize even when young that something is not right. And that other family is not trust worthy or even narcs themselves is generational you’ve heard the old family stories. Try living in the country ( boondocks) with one of these types Not only does no one care if you are being abused but no one is around to see it anyway / either. Or the community helps the narc by telling you you constantly that you should praise the narc for raising you on her own (poor thing).Or you live in an area where “take care of momma” it chanted at you constantly. Or you end up with a therapist who looks at you and says “I’m sure she would never do anything to hurt you really You know” . while she (narc) is also in the room. You learn right real fast that other adults will not help you even if she attempts physical violence. I never had kids and realized that I never would. I grew up hearing how lazy and stupid I was. I was not going to be selfish and put a poor innocent child thorough this he** everyday.
Hi Irey,
I think the experience you’ve had will make you an exceptional mother. Your grandmother is the perfect example of a bad example. You’re already ahead of the curve when it comes to realizing all this stuff, and that tells me you were sent here to break this generational cycle of abuse once and for all. I’m seeing more and more young people, and it’s very exciting to the shift. Your children will be free from this, and it’ll be because you made it so. You are more powerful than you know.
Hi
I recently left my abusive grandmother who had adopted me and raised me as her own and this was really eye opening to read. I realize what was done to my mom and I’m in awe that she just came out stronger. I’m still struggling to balance my life out as my 18th birthday fast approaches and I’m still recovering from 17 years of emotional, physical and psychological abuse. It’s really hard to find people who know what I’m going through and can offer comfort when I get overwhelmed. I want kids in the future, I’ve always wanted to be a mom but I’m scared to project my upbringing onto them. That’s the last thing I want. My grandmother is everything I don’t want to be.
Hi Michell,
So many of us feel this way. I didn’t think I could be a good mother because I had no idea what that looked like, and we would never want our own child to go through this. I wouldn’t wish that life on my worst enemy. You are definitely not alone. There are millions of us. Also, stop beating yourself up for not knowing what you didn’t know when you were an innocent child and young adult —shame on them, shame on them all.
I feel seen! My mother is exactly why I aborted my only pregnancy and chose to never have children. She denied me the emotional tools I needed to raise children of my own. I couldn’t face inflicting my wounds or her on a child. I denied her the opportunity to use my children as weapons against me.
I was such a puppet, she intentionally put me in harms way over and over again.
I don’t speak to her now. If I see her I am cordial but cool. I try to remain emotionally unreachable to her so she can’t re-engage me in her sickness again.
Sadly the emotional affects of her torment are still present in my self esteem and trust issues. I’m easily taken in by narcissists and feel so much shame because of it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It looks like I am not the only one who needed to hear she isn’t alone.
Thank you very much this is meant for me to read and I know who Marissa is she’s amazing and I will definitely check it’s out.
Hi RA Lady,
I can relate. We’re given no empathy, and we’re never taught self-love because a parent can’t give you something they don’t have. It’s not you they don’t love, they don’t love themselves. They hate themselves, and instead of dealing with it, it was much easier to take it out on you. Self-love is a learned skill, a life lesson we never got. If you’re not familiar with my RTT hypnotherapy sessions, try the free masterclass from Uncompromised life with Marisa Peer. It was mindblowing for me and how I got started. And remember, it’s never too late to even the score.
I asked my mother once, at 5 yrs old, “momma do you love me”, her answer was, “hell no, you are just in the way”. Not once in my life did I EVER hear those 3 little words from her or my alcoholic father. She best me regularly for this she imagined I did. And beat me again for crying. I’m 60 plus, a widow, mother is dead, and believe it or not, I am STILL dealing with her not caring anything about me. My husband was wonderful, my son is loved every single day. I, however, am miserable
Going no contact is not the ultimate solution, because the energetic cords are still there and chances are your vital energy leaks because of that.
Hello JL,
Even though i feel less lonely, seeing that mothers like my mother exist everywhere, its very sad thing to live. Only these kind of daughters can feel that. Dear JL i am 54 years old and only 3 years before i confronted my narcissistic mother. All my relatives blamed me. She plays the victim so she is not taking any responsibility. Even though i am an educated woman, i have a good marriage and two daughters i adore, still i am scared of my mother like a liitle girl. But i will never contact her i never miss to see or talk to her. For me is a terrible person. I am glad you cut her off sooner than me. All the best to you and your family!
Emerald, so much of what you said stands true in my life. When my dad died I felt like any chance of normalcy died as well. I’m 37 and only recently coming to the realization that my mom is a narcissist. Thank you for sharing your struggle. You aren’t alone.
Hi Debbie,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds extremely emotionally traumatizing. Please let me know if you need emotional support, you’ll be in my thoughts. Sending strength.
OMG. Except for the parts where they kidnapped my two babies for gain, you were there in that hell house with me. I’ve been doing research over 2 yrs and then this article..its so bad but still right on truth. I’ve never hated anyone until I saw my 2 children who were needing answers because their entire 30 and 21 yrs – 2 are 109% lied to using me and isolation from each other to make them believe I didn’t want them. I desperately searched for articles from top professors or anyone who knew more than me about being horrifically and maliciously abused for no reason and only me then the other ones joined in. Forget me I want them dead for what they all did to my children who never stopped smiling. What I found was 2 articles that I knew anyway the effects of different abused. I have all and they both are suffering still severe psychological abuse. Their odds of suicide are close. Their bad. They hid from me to keep the truth from being told. I have to help them. I. Love them. I wanted. Planned. And these animals wanted them for arm candy like me and a roof over a drug addict turned who lost everything and could get it unless he had my son. I did called courts tired. everything just now finding out all the laws and my rights all of them were not acknowledge but this won’t help these monsters killed me I’m 61 and I can’t locate them. Their all still doing worse to me and them. I don’t want them to take their lives like I tried in order never to go back inside. Any positive help. Private investigator is on my next soon try. I hurt so bad my whole life, I have everything suffering from and if I get sleep that’s only peace. That’s why I don’t like life. It forces e non stop to remember. It’s a big big toll but I cant. I love them more than myself. These types of animals are a danger to society.
Hi JL,
If there’s one thing you can trust it’s your motherly intuition and natural instincts when it comes to your daughter. You’re protecting her from all of this and I feel like we become the person we needed but didn’t have when we were young. You’re breaking the cycle of abuse and that’s never an easy thing to do. Sending strength and lots of good energy your way.
This page hits my life square on the head. I went No Contact with my mother in November. I was 6 months pregnant, with COVID-19, and she was kicking me while I was vulnerable. When I finally said NO MORE, she told me that I was “being mean to her” and “bullying her”. I’ve know she had issues for years, but I never understood how deep and profound her issues are until I did an internet search. I discovered Narcisstic Personality Disorder, and I read everything I could find on it. Nothing has given me so much clarity in all my life.
My daughter is now 4 weeks old, and I have kept her away from my family. They did not know she was born until a couple of weeks afterward. My mother has poisoned the water with gaslighting and a smear campaign, and my entire family has chosen to be silent. She has attempted to get information by having my brother and my dad contact me. My dad told me that I am “listening to the devil” because I am not allowing her to be in my child’s life. When I listed off things she has done, and that he has SEEN her do, he attempted to justify all of it. I was the one to blame, of course. The worst part of all of it is that I am unable to have an open conversation with my Granny, who lives with her. The last time I tried to talk to my Granny, she sounded like a hostage. Someone was listening in. It breaks my heart that my Granny has become a casualty of all of this, but she lived with my narcisstic grandfather for over fifty years. I cannot sacrifice my child’s safety and well-being for people who will not stand up to a narcissist.
I keep thinking I’ve dealt with this, buried and done. But then something happens and the zombies rise from the grave and haunt me. Either my narcissistic/alcoholic mother or my ‘perfect’ passive/aggressive sister. There has been no contact for years with either, but let that phone ring and the anger, hurt, resentment, negative feelings, maybe it is me feelings consume me for days. Nightmares and all. I now know that mother was jealous of my relationship with my father. From the time I was little she would use us against each other. She’d say things like ‘you are sure going to disappoint your daddy if you do that’. Or if I did get in trouble it was ‘your daughter did this today’. Seriously?!!! Who does that??? Who uses a child as a weapon against a parent??? And anytime daddy had to help me, car trouble kind of help, we’d have to be in ‘don’t let her find out’ mode.
When I came out, she tried to take my children from me. Told lies on me. Told people that I was raising them in a dangerous household.
When daddy died, she made sure I knew that she didn’t want me to be in charge of anything. She wanted the perfect one to handle it. Well, in her true form, the perfect one made her cursory appearances for a while and then faded back away into life at the country club too busy to be bothered, And left me to handle everything anyway.
Me. The one mother despised for merely existing, the one who f’d up everything I’d ever done in my life, the embarrassment to the family for being ‘that way’. It angers me that even though I know where I stand with her, it’s up to me to make sure she’s okay in her frail health.
I wish I could really let it go. Sadly I think only her death will set me free. She can’t get mad at me. She can’t criticize, blame or judge me.
My chains will be gone, I’ll be set free, amazing love, amazing Grace!
Hi Tay,
You were getting it from every direction and I firmly believe that just because you were born into a family doesn’t mean you were meant to spend the rest of your life with them. The good news you would never do this to your children and the next generation is safe. You’re a generational curse breaker, and that not an easy thing to do or be.
You summed it up. I have two children and it hurts everyday wondering if I’m being a good mom. It hurts wondering if I’m a good wife. It hurts making decisions because I can’t make the wrong one.
The only thing that could go deeper is the narcissist family tree. I had the father who said “keep the peace” which is equivalent to “lay there and take it.” We had the flying monkeys who made fun of everything I did which gave her ammo. Then of course the golden child who could do no wrong while
I had my windows nailed shut for GC actions.
After my father cheated and finally
left the woman who abused me in every way and continues to say “keep the peace” I finally left. When my mother told me to give up my last dream in life my wedding cuz no one cares about me and refused to talk to me cuz I did what she asked me to and communicate for her to her husband.
Now I walk around and am told “they are your family” “family is forever just get along.” Or I’m ignored and avoided by ppl I have known my whole life. I have three failed suicide attempts and self harm marks from teenage early twenty years that no one noticed for years and said I deserved it all cuz I’m emotional.
No one is interested in hearing my side and I don’t spread it but they are all ready to tell me to “keep the peace” my trigger cuz it says “lay there like a good girl and take it.”
I haven’t worked through my rage completely especially when my father has re-traumatized me with his new family. I fight back now by setting boundaries and sticking to them. I am classified as a naughty word and have been abandoned and I trust no one.
I am growing and moving past and for my children I am ending the “generational curse” and they will know they are loved and wanted by their mother and father and each other and that they can reach for the stars and I’ll be there to help!
Hi Bonnie,
I’m so sorry you lost your son, there’s nothing worse than losing a child. I feel what you’re saying about your mother. I’ve never had that feeling about another person in my life and when she attacked my children I snapped. I could never harm a person because I’m non-violent but it is a powerful rage. I’m glad you’re getting through it, and for what’s it’s worth, I truly believe your son is in a better place now. “We” on the other hand have more work to do so we can make this invisible abuse visible. You’re not alone and we’re in this fight with you. Thank you for sharing your truth.
I learned what my mother was while trying to heal from my sons suicide 5 years ago. I have cut ties with my whole family. All anyone ever said to me was “just try to get along with her” or “you and your mom, always at it”. No. I was a child. I was a fucking child you heartless pieces of shit. In therapy, doing so much better and finding who I am. I miss my son so much. When I think of any of the few times she had access to him and how she treated him, if she wasn’t a frail 80 year old I’d kill her. Truth.
Hi Wendy,
My whole family is against me too. I don’t miss them but when you lose your connection with your child it’s awful. I definitely know what that feels like and it’s the worst. If you’re ever interested in trying an RTT session let me know. It’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. First things first, you heal you, and then everyone around you will benefit from that. We have to heal ourselves first so let those tears come to the surface and fall, it’s better to let it out than holding it in.
Im sitting here in tears because I have never read something so accurate with what im dealing with in life. My adult son will no longer speak to me which has caused major depression. My NM has turned my whole family against me.
Hi Lauren,
That’s exactly what happened to me and I think we’ve all felt the shock and awe. I’m glad this helped. Thank you for sharing because yeah, it’s just like that.
Your post hits so close to home. I remember the first time I came across an article, on narcissistic mothers. I was actually looking up what was wrong with me, since I was always told, “ther is something just wrong with you, but we will figure it out.” I hit me like a shit ton of bricks. Just knowing that there are people out there, just like me, was frightening, but soothing, all at the same time. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I will do the same, at some point
Hi Bianca,
Hey, I have been where you are. You’ve been manipulated into thinking that you’re the problem and now you find out it’s all a lie. I don’t if there is a possibility for you to get your daughter back but that would be my life mission going forward. Giving full custody is not the same as signing away your rights so keep that in mind.
I would like to point out that your mother wants you to think you’re powerless and hopeless, I’m sure she has you right where she wants you. I would also suggest documenting her behaviors from now on so you have dates and times of her abuse to show the judge.
It’s going to take some hard work to put your life back together and get back up off the floor. This is by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through and you can email me anytime if you need to talk, vent, or be heard by someone who understands. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and the worst thing is not having a support system to help you through this.
I would be more than happy to brainstorm solutions with you so email me anytime at ragingfemalejournal@gmail.com.
I have never felt like anyone understands or could even fathom what it is like to have a mother who doesnt love you, and ive always thought it was me who was the problem.
I was manipulated into allowing my mother full custody of my daughter and it has been the worst mistake.
The pain i feel from not being able to protect my daughter (the one person in the world that gives me peace) from the woman who abused, tormented alienated and emotionally and physically destroyed me is the consuming and i feel powerless and hopeless.
What can you suggest i do please i am literally blocked mentally from being able to choose my next life moves and how and why im even bothering to wake up every morning.
Hi Jenn,
I worked on my anger for years too, but it never goes away. Your anger comes from self-protection and the need to also protect your son.
Please read my post about the rage and sadness and see if that helps you use your anger instead of burying it. That anger is a resource and once you understand its purpose there’s a huge shift in your mindset.
She wants you in a constant state of turmoil so focus on taking that emotional power away from her.
She’ll always stay the same, but you can’t because you’re meant for more.
god you just explained my life except I made the mistake of allowing my mother to financially care for myself and my child who is special needs once I informed her that I didnt feel she could physically handle my son if I were to die she now has removed myself and my son from her trust I’m beyond angry . she was one who would have me arrested instead of grounding . My mom is narrcacist plus lupus plus alcoholic she is pushing my buttons and yes anger is arising again that I worked years on . I’m at a loss and so worried about my sons future I cant work and she knows this. its to the point I will not get her degrade me in front of my son I cant bite my tounge anymore .but thus fucking myself .
Hi Jana,
I’m glad you found some answers today. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
I understand so much more of myself now. This article makes me feel understood more than I thought I ever could be. I also know that I am not alone. It is real and I can find help. Thank you so much. You made my day.
Hi Tiffany,
Thank you so much for your insight and what it’s like as a new mother under these conditions. We crucify ourselves for even the slightest mistakes.
I’ve barely scratched the surface of understanding C-PTSD and EDMR is on my radar. I’ve heard good things about it.
I agree the science is cold and impersonal and part of my motivation was to bring some depth because it irritates me how hollow it is, science has its limitations.
The truth is anything is possible and anything can happen, there are no hard and fast rules, and we really need more therapists with your experience we can trust.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and feel a sense of being understood more than I ever have.
The codependency and people pleasing needs my mother created in me, gave me a desire to study psychology and to once be a therapist. I have dedicated a large amount of my personal time to following the development of a mental health Illness finally being named for this parental narcissistic upbringing- Complex PTSD. I have put a lot of hours into studying the deep brain and hormone dysregulation we survivors have, have dug into the top researchers who study this c ptsd, and found various opportunities to find healing for free.
Bessel Von Der Kirk and Pete Walker have written helpful books and I actually found that working with a ‘fellow traveler’ in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics, drug addicts, or dysfunction families). Alcohol and drug abuse are not required to take fellowship with the group…only very extreme family dysfunction is required. It wasn’t until I worked the steps in this program that I finally shed away most my codependency behaviors.
I went no contact a year before my mother died (didn’t know she was going to die) and then found out 7 months later that I was pregnant.
I had a female dog of 11 years at the time who I had an extremely close bond with and it was my relationship with her that allowed me to slowly gain confidence in myself to be a good mother.
Now my daughter is 10 months old and she’s a very happy baby and I admittedly often fear how the different stages of growing up could bring out parts of my mom inside of me. And for the first 6 months, I beat myself up even though I was doing an amazing job.
Becoming a mother has actually taught me how to do routines and allowed my inner child to finally play and securely connect with someone (my daughter) without fear of abandonment or fear of being intentionally hurt. I get to see myself act out the love I never got and give and get back the love I’ve longed for from my mom since I could remember.
In many ways, having a child has healed parts of me. Also, my mother actually developed her narcissistic personality from the abuse and neglect of her narcissistic father.
So, life can always present different circumstances and opportunities. I encourage women of narcissistic mothers to have children if they truly feel like they’ve healed enough of their wounds to at least be able to pour out live to a child on a regular basis.
Anyway, I read so much scientific and impersonal descriptions of what we have experienced that reading this was more enjoyable than anything I have read in a while. Keep sharing your experiences because it fills a little part of the void just a little more when survivors like us can read a personal experience and actually feel understood!
Look into complex ptsd and EDMR therapy. They say that much of our trauma is lodged into parts of our body and stuck their because traumatic experiences don’t get filed away the same way as normal experiences. Anyway, great article’