Gaslighting examples are the best way to show you one of the most covert and preferred ways a narcissistic mother abuses her child after she makes a mistake. It’s invisible and almost impossible for anyone on the outside looking in to detect.
I have to admit, as a child, I was a total space case. I was always confused about how to respond to people, and more than half the time, I was in a fog.
I would respond to people the way my mother responded to me. I didn’t know any better, she was my role model, and it wasn’t until I was much older. I realized she was a perfect example of how not to be.
If you have a narcissistic mother, the best advice I can give is to do the opposite of what they would do, and you’ll always be right. Works like a charm.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse.
The narcissistic parent uses this form of manipulation to purposely confuse the child and make them doubt their own memory, perception, and judgment. It causes cognitive dissonance and low self-esteem in children raised by narcissists because we were taught not to trust ourselves.
We were told the little voice inside of us was wrong, shouldn’t be listened to, and couldn’t be trusted. That’s a pretty messed up thing to do to your own child and then have no remorse.
Gaslighting examples of a narcissistic mother.
It’s incredible how all narcissists are very much the same, and these examples are eerily similar across the board. Some are much more sinister than others, but it’s the same technique, and somehow narcissists use gaslighting instinctively to get the supply they need to make themselves feel powerful.
The narcissist does this intentionally to make you question yourself because they don’t care about what’s right. They only care about being right no matter what the cost is to you or your mental well being.
Different forms of gaslighting examples:
- Denying it ever happened- You must be imagining things to stir up drama and get attention.
- Misdirection- That’s not what really happened; let me help you understand what I want you to believe happened.
- Contradiction- No, you did it, I didn’t have anything to do with it; stop blaming me for your mistakes.
- Altering reality after the fact- Everything was fine until you got upset with me for no reason, and now you’re mad because you know you’re wrong.
Gaslighting is carried out in a very covert way by someone you thought you could trust. You should be able to trust your parents, and it isn’t until years later when you realize they’ve been gaslighting you your whole life.
Examples of gaslighting behaviors from a narcissist.
First, she convinces you what you’re thinking isn’t right. Then she convinces you how you think is wrong.
The only time I remember my narcissistic mother agreeing with me or aligning with me in any way was when my needs or wants could be used to further her agenda.
I liked the feeling of pleasing my mother, and I tried so hard to say and do whatever I could to make her happy.
The problem?
She would always move the goalpost or change the rules, so I would always end up in the wrong somehow. She’s playing games with my head, and I had no idea what was going on.
What happens when you’re gaslighted by someone you trust?
You think they’re doing it out of love for you. You believe their intentions are pure, so you try to do everything you can to be better and to not be such a burden with your weird, strange, and wrong ways of thinking.
You don’t understand what’s wrong with you or why you’re like this, and then it’s easy for them to brand you as mentally ill or challenged in some way. My narcissistic mother used to tell me I was a “bit touched.”
When she was diagnosed with depression, eventually, so was I. I was fourteen years old when I was put on medication I didn’t need for a mental illness I didn’t have. All the while, my mother is reeling from being diagnosed with a mental illness.
This went on for years.
Usually, a person with a mental illness will step up and start dealing with it. A narcissist doesn’t have the ability to grow, and she couldn’t accept she was the problem. The next thing I knew, she was trying to get everyone in the family on anti-depressants.
Somehow she convinced the doctor I was depressed too.
I remember the appointment, but I don’t remember saying anything to defend myself. As usual, the doctor cowered under the intense pressure of my narcissistic mother. I resent the hell out of him for that. He broke his oath to do no harm and allowed a mentally ill woman to diagnose her own child.
I had no chance of being heard, and it wasn’t long after that I found out certain kinds of anti-depressants automatically disqualify you from getting into the military. She didn’t care about how the misdiagnosis would affect my future.
She was upset because the doctor’s told her she was the problem, and it was a major blow to her ego. There absolutely had to be someone else to blame, and she picked me.
A narcissist can’t take responsibility or admit fault.
The only goal of a narcissist is to always be right. To do this, they need someone else to take the blame and take the focus off of them when they do something wrong.
Psychological gaslighting makes the victim or target think they’re going insane; you question your memory and perception of reality.
When the narcissist gets caught, they have to turn the tables quickly, and it goes something like this:
- You’re acting crazy again; that’s not what happened.
- Don’t be so sensitive, I was only joking.
- Now you’re just being paranoid.
- Are you sure you’re okay? You’re starting to worry me.
Having a conversation with a narcissistic mother is like going in circles.
Round and round we go. There’s no end, no closure, and they will never admit to any wrongdoing.
We call this “word salad.”
Instead of giving a simple apology and ending things so we can move on, the narcissist will go all day long until you eventually apologize for their behavior. These circular conversations of word salad are the cause of cognitive dissonance.
What is cognitive dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance is when you have conflicting beliefs, thoughts, or attitudes.
For example, you’re in an unhealthy working environment, but you minimize it and don’t make a change even though every morning you dread going to work. This job is wearing you down emotionally, physically, and mentally but you stay and continue to hope things will get better instead of putting yourself first.
When you’re young, you try different jobs to find something you can do for the next forty years. Anytime I decided to move on, I was crucified for making a change to improve my life and putting my own happiness first.
Even as an adult, you don’t get emotional support from a narcissistic parent; you get confusion and doubt at every turn.
How a narcissistic parent causes cognitive dissonance in a child.
- Withholding vital information.
- Countering information by saying the opposite of everything you say and think.
- Not allowing you to make an informed decision on your own.
- When you make a good decision, they twist it around, so you feel wrong even when you’re not.
- Every time you make the right decision, it’s questioned, dissected, and lowered to make you feel like it wasn’t worth discussing and to make you feel stupid for bringing it up.
- Dismissing the event as if it never happened, they conveniently don’t recall or don’t remember it that way.
- Saying something verbally abusive, insisting it was a joke, and then ridicule you more for being too sensitive.
- After they hurt you, they make it smaller and act like you should be able to just brush it off and stop making such a big deal out of nothing.
- Isolating you from friends and family that would contradict their behavior, blocking you from any source of comfort or voice of reason.
- Belittling and continuously trying to change something about you and figure out what’s wrong with you.
You’re raised to believe this kind of interaction with your parent is normal. You don’t realize healthy parents don’t act this way towards their children.
You begin to understand your childhood was worse than you thought.
The emotional and psychological abuse of a narcissistic parent is undeniable.
It’s like starting over from scratch as an adult because nothing was true or real or made any damn sense.
This means you get a clean slate.
Nothing that happened can be held against you, and the only responsibility you have is to start over, reparent yourself, and give yourself the love, guidance, and care your narcissistic parent never could.
You can’t be held responsible for what was done to you. You are absolved of all guilt, blame, and shame inflicted on you by the abusive parent.
Their opinion doesn’t matter, and their words don’t count.
I highly recommend reading, learning, and educating yourself as much as you can. If you’d like to support this blog please use my affiliate link to purchase this top seller Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD.
You can also purchase my ebook on Amazon or from me directly here.
How to recover from the psychological abuse of gaslighting.
The first step is educating yourself and understanding the different forms of narcissistic abuse. One of the best ways to do this is to observe the narcissist in your life for three to six months.
Take a good look from a different angle.
Once you understand how gaslighting works, you won’t be susceptible to it. When you get trapped in a conversation with them, don’t believe anything that comes out of their mouth unless you’ve triple-checked it with a reliable source.
A narcissistic parent is not a reliable source. If you go to them for emotional support, you won’t get it. You’ll get more lies and manipulation because they enjoy confusing you and making you question yourself.
They want you to rely on them for everything, and they feel threatened by your independence. They don’t want you to think for yourself because when that happens, they lose control, and they know it.
Final thoughts…
Going no contact with the narcissist in your life is a personal choice. There are some alternatives to no contact and a few things you can do so the abuse doesn’t cause any further damage.
Once you understand how a narcissist operates, things become much clearer, and the cognitive dissonance fades and loses power. Since going no contact with my narcissistic mother, my mind has never been more clear, level, and calm.
My nerves were shot, my mind was a confused ball of madness, and the further away I get from her, the better I am.
It goes against everything you know to turn your back on your own mother, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. There is happiness, peace, and most of all, joy on the other side of narcissistic abuse.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
Hi Erin,
It’s all a game to them. Now that I know it’s a game and how to play, they run the other way because, deep down, they are all cowards. Narcissists slowly destroy themselves, so you keep healing yourself and don’t let her take you with her. She made a choice to be and stay this way and that’s on her, not you.
I loathe my mother. She’s the sickest person I’ve ever known. She destroyed my self-esteem, and I am in ruins. To the detriment of my mental health, my mother gaslights me and plays mind games as a way to “win” the ongoing game in her head, and I absolutely LOATHE my mother.
I’ve been in therapy with an amazing person for the last 2 months. We’ve talked about a lot of things and is helping me create perspective. At the same time I knew I didn’t have the exact words to describe everything I went through. She identified many patterns in my memory but was cautious to put labels on it and focused a lot on giving me tools to better free myself. Yesterday I finally found out how to describe my life. It’s such a surreal experience to have articles about “how to identify a narcissistic mother” describe my life to a fault. I feel so liberated now that I have a name to the monster voice inside my head. Reading about “how to heal from a covert narcissistic mother” is validating that I am on the right path and have the perfect therapist to help me through it (tomorrow I’m going for another session and it will feel so good to name it properly). And it’s amazingly cathartic to be able to read other people’s experience and understand I’m not alone. Thank you for finding the strength to share, it helps soooo much. I know it’s a long journey to heal, there’s a lot I have to work on. There was a blur in my healing process, I knew that when I’ll figure it out I’ll be able to move forward so much easier. The healing road felt heavy and unsure. Now I’m excited to go on it. I know I’ll heal and it gives me so much faith that I’ll manage to overcome every hurdle. That after surviving all that crap, this is more like “fuck yah, I see you, damage in my life. I’m learning about who I truly am as a being and I will heal you. Trust me on this, I’m stronger than it”.
Hi Jan,
It’s so sad. With all my healing, that sadness stays as a reminder. And it’s very much like grieving. We mourn the mother we thought we had and the mother we’ll never get. They never change; even robots get updates and upgrades. It really hit me when someone said, “if she hasn’t changed in all the decades you’ve known her, what makes you think she’ll change now?” Then I felt stupid because I loved her unconditionally and deep down I meant nothing to her. There’s no there there, and it’s so hard to comprehend there’s no there there.
My journey began with my 7 year older than me sister…..she treated me badly for years and nothing ever added up and my mother, instead of helping would simply say, she was staying out of it. After the passing of my dad, I had something very bothersome happen that my sister had to of done, and she blatantly denied it, and my mom took her side, and said she really knows nothing about it. It was that time that I prayed to God somewhat out of anger and questioned why he was behaving like my family…never protecting me and never helping me. It was then that I realized He had been protecting me, you see I cut ties with my sisters about 10 years ago. Neither of them ever wanted anything to do with my 4 children, which was a true blessing in disguise. When I looked back he had given me the courage to step away from my sisters 10 years ago, and had always protected my children. It was the next day that I read something that totally explained my sisters behavior….reading… “it was like being in a competition that I never signed up for”, but the worst part was then discovering that my mother was probably a narcissist as well. She has been playing all 3 of her daughters against each other for years, and reaping the benefits of my older sister hurting me and me sharing my pain with her…the perfect storm. I am literally trying to come up for air as I write this, because the fact that my mother does not have the capacity to love me, and nothing can ever really change her, makes me so very sad. It is somewhat like loving a robot. I am not sure where my middle alcoholic sister fits in to all of this, but right now I just want to walk away from the whole mess and never look back. I just feel so very sad like something inside me has just died.
My story sounds a lot like yours.. A few years ago I had a successful business, went and traveled the world for awhile, then moved to a completely different state. Covid hit and I decided I’d come back for a bit and moved in with my parents for 5 hellish months. I’d never been suicidal but things were getting so crazy that I had my first thought that I’d rather die than have an active relationship with her. Luckily I moved out but now I’m ready facing the hard fact that I literally have to recreate my childhood learnings in some way. What I’ve been “taught “ has been completely derailing to my life and I now realize I can’t move forward in life until I learn a new way of thinking. It’s so hard but I have a therapy appointment next week. EMDR therapy. I hope it goes well. Good luck and Even though it’s hard, it’s possible to get better.
My mother is a covert narcissist. I figured this out about a year ago (thank you internet), but only recently have fully accepted it. I live with her! The temptation to have things “be nice” in the house is why it took about a year for me to finally accept that totality of the situation and stop talking to her 100%, despite our constant proximity. It’s like finding out your mother not only doesn’t exist right now (as if she died) but that she really never did exist. I was raised by a robot, apparently, pretending to be a mother. I moved out of the house when I was about 19 and had a relatively successful career in NYC as a non-fiction television editor. But left that career (for good reason) when I was 42. My attempt to start a new life didn’t work out and I moved in with her at 45. It’s now been 2 years of my living with her and I’ve been suicidal pretty much every day. I do feel better now that I have fully accepted the situation – I will say that. But I really can’t believe how much this issue isn’t talked about. There’s so many covert narcissists out there and the children of them suffer immensely, so much so that it’s hard to even describe. And all in silence.
Thank you for your kind words. I was not aware about your siblings being lost, brainwashed, disassociated and having the cognitive dissonance. It’s so sad that individuals are this way.
How you described your siblings, is the exactly the same for myself. If I didn’t see my nephew’s Facebook post, I would of never found out about my mother passing and the Memorial without me.
The fact, not one of my siblings contacting me, was out of spite and pure selfishness. All I can do, is let go and let GOD rule my life. I was born into this family, but ironically I’m really not a part of this family.
Like Christ says in the Bible..We are in the World, but not of the World.
Hi Renee,
I’m sorry your siblings treated you this way. Both my siblings are lost, brainwashed, disassociated, and the cognitive dissonance is real. I still keep hoping they’ll come around, but I won’t hold my breath. And I do believe evil exists, your description is accurate, and I would never rule anything out because what else could it be…
My mother did this to me for years, until I realized..wait a minute, I’m the one being “authentic” and she twisted my words against me towards my siblings. I wasn’t going to take the gas lighting and her being a narcissist anymore. That everything was my fault. I called my mother on this BS!
This was back in 1999, when I was 40 years old, now I’m 62. Subsequently, I found out my mother died last week. Not one sibling contacted me. In fact, how I found out my mother passed….was because my nephew posted his grandma had died on Thursday, March 25th (six days after she passed).
The siblings have made up their minds, I’m the outcast, since a letter was typed up with my other 4 siblings saying what they remembered most about their mother.
I was totally crushed and heartbroken. Mind you, my siblings know how to reach me. I will be the only one, not attending the Memorial.
However, I had a ANGEL appear to me last night, as I was on my computer in my office bedroom. My entire room lit up and the (2) wings of the Angel were 12 feet tall. The wings looked like two tall pillars, that were hovering on my bedroom wall. I know I’m being protected and felt this incredible wave of Love and Peace come over me, that I can’t even express with words.
As a final note I’d like to add, that we are fighting spiritual principalities (Demon Spirits). I firmly believe, my immediate family has been attacked by demons, that will allow themselves (The Demon Spirit) to be attached to the individual, even though you can’t see it, the demon spirit is attached to the persons physical back. I wholeheartedly love the Lord and GOD, and know I’m being protected.
Hi Shay,
It takes years of wisdom to figure this out. I wish I’d known in my twenties what I know now, and yes, it’s good to be free. We won’t take it for granted.
Took me 40 years to figure this out. I’ve known for some time I was an empath. But realizing exactly what my mother was has been so freeing.
Hi Rachelle,
I’m glad you liked it, I forgot about this post so thank you for commenting so I can give it a little attention.
Thank you for writing this article.