After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, life gets very quiet, and you might start to feel weird or off in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. You realize none of that negativity comes from you, and it feels strange because it was always blamed on you.
There’s no more chaos, demands, judgment, criticism, guilt, shame, or obligation. All of those things came from the world she created and lives in. So you sit there in your home and look at the things that remind you of your narcissistic mother. You gather it all together to get it out of your sight and quietly contemplate setting it all on fire.
You might become incredibly sensitive to any hint of abuse in your home or at work. And now that you’ve had some time to heal, you don’t want any more abuse in your life ever again.
You’re not going to put up with it anymore from anyone.
After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, you think you’re going to suddenly feel better.
Wrong.
This is the part where your head will start to spin.
You wonder why this happened to you. What purpose could it possibly serve? What is the point of this pain you’ve suffered? People can’t relate to you because it’s more than they can comprehend. Everyone else loves their mother, but why don’t you? There must be something wrong with you, like she said, because you’re not like the others. Maybe you’re the narcissist…
Any of this sound familiar?
The thing is, once you stop the abuse, then you start to heal from it. Suddenly you have room to think and sort it out. You think you’ll be better once she’s dead, but that doesn’t work either because the damage is already done.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother isn’t as easy as you think.
Not only are you trying to enforce new boundaries with her, but you also have the rest of the world to deal with. Every time I mention my story to an outsider who doesn’t belong in this group, I get ‘the look.’ You know what I mean, not really shock but more like nothing.
They don’t get it.
They can’t imagine making that kind of choice. They don’t know what it’s like to have no other choice. We’re not really choosing to go no contact and risk losing our entire family.
It’s excruciating and painful because knowing the truth is not the same as accepting what you need to do to save yourself. Accepting the solution is a process of its own. We try everything to avoid this step. We tried reasoning with her, them, and with ourselves.
How could I be this person who turns their back on their family?
Family is everything,
Without family, you’re nothing.
Family first.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother means you risk losing your entire family.
If the narcissist completely controls the circle you grew up in, you leave everything you used to know behind and start over with nothing.
This is what scares people the most until you realize you never had them for emotional support anyway. You’ve already been alone this whole time; being aware of it doesn’t change your current reality in any way.
I didn’t lose anything when I left; there was nothing left to lose. What’s worse is you start to understand more, and suddenly you notice how weird your family is.
You start thinking about how mean or awkward you were growing up because we only know what we’ve been taught. You live what you learn, and we play the only role we’ve ever known. It feels like you have to relearn everything, but really all you have to do is the exact opposite of what your mother would do, and you’re good. Hahaha, I laugh, but it’s not funny.
You can decide you don’t want to play the role of the scapegoat anymore and create a new role that no one in your narcissistic family is going to easily accept because if you don’t play your role anymore, then someone else has to take your place. If you have siblings, they will not appreciate this new development, and that’s okay. They get to make their own choices too.
You find out the relationships you had with family were all one-sided.
When I stopped contacting them, they never reached out. Some rumblings were going on behind my back as usual, but to me, it was no different than before. They continued to do the same things they’ve always done.
Nothing changes.
How this works is you do all the changing and evolving, and they stay exactly the same. You can’t change them, and you can’t help them, so your only choice is to stay, bit your tongue, say nothing, and endure or leave.
Those are the choices because true change comes from within, and although we know you already have an incredible inner power to have made it this far, you can’t make anyone see what they don’t want to see.
When I went no contact with my narcissistic mother, I said nothing.
They’re all pointing fingers and blaming, but there’s only one small problem. I was not crazy, but I was the only one who knew it. You wish you were crazy. Maybe it would be an easier path to be like them.
But it’s too late because you know your mother is narcissistic, and they don’t. And “they” can mean anyone from your grandparents to your father, to siblings, and close friends.
Confronting a narcissist is never a good idea, and for some reason, I decided to listen to that warning. I didn’t confront her and share any information with family members. Instead, I slowly disappeared, and at first, no one even noticed.
They did notice, however, when I wasn’t there for the next holiday. Not because they missed me and wanted to spend time with me. When the scapegoat isn’t around, someone else has to take their place, and no one wants that role.
The scapegoat in a narcissistic family buffers everyone else from the punishments.
A narcissistic mother always has to have someone to blame for her behavior. My siblings instinctively know that if I’m not there, things are much worse for them.
This isn’t happening on a conscious level. They are completely unaware. The truth is my siblings don’t miss me any more than I miss them. We have nothing in common. One married a narcissist, and the other became one. I didn’t understand it; if my brother or sister left one day without a word, I would ask why. I would maybe even demand answers. Neither one of my siblings reached out, and they’ve never said a word.
I think it’s weird and amazing at the same time how much control my mother has over them. They are completely under her spell, and I get that because I was too, but not anymore.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes longer than you think it will.
If I could go down a list of things that went through my mind, I would. Unfortunately, it took about a year and a half for my head to stop spinning. You can read more about that in the rage you feel from being raised by a narcissistic parent. I was starting to get worried, but it did pass. Just plan on taking however long you think it should take times three.
Every detail of your life begins to sort itself out, and it feels like they all have to process individually. Sometimes you get stuck in a loop, and sometimes I’d let myself stay there for a while until it wore itself out. Other times I need to get it together because life is calling, and then I use meditation and self-hypnosis.
Suppose you find yourself in a bad way or state and need something that can help you now, self-hypnosis, and can be done in ten minutes or less. You can also drag yourself out of the pit of doom by forcing better thoughts using affirmation statements that are the truth. It gets easier with practice, and once you know how it works, you can recenter yourself throughout the day in little as one minute.
I’m giving some ideas to help you stay ground, but none of this worked for me until after I found something amazing called RTT Rapid Transformational Therapy. After a session, I had much more control over my thoughts and that sense of doom? I don’t have it anymore. it’s been over a year since my first session, and I looked for that sense of doom the other day to see if I could find even a trace of it, and it’s not there. That part of me was healed after one session, so I simply don’t go there anymore. It’s like searching for an internet link that can’t be found.
You can try all this other stuff to help you heal from narcissistic abuse, but for me, none of it had any real, lasting results; it all fades away. RTT completely changed the way I felt inside immediately after the session was done. Ten days later, I was even better, I don’t suffer from that horrible self-doubt anymore, and you don’t have to either. If you’re interested and think this could help you, please see my homepage for more information.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
This is my life. I’m in shock , I’ve never read anything that mirrored my life so well. I am going no contact with my narcissistic mother and sister. I need to separate myself from them and enjoy the rest of my life. Thank you for sharing…I don’t feel so alone anymore.
This article made me feel like I was reading something I would have written about my life. I am 36 and still nothing is good enough for me nor is it ever enough for her. My son adores her and that’s the excuse I’ve made the last few years is he needs her. However, I’m realizing he doesn’t need her manipulative ways in his life any more than I do. I’m pretty certain it’s going to cut a lot of ties with other family but peace is worth it.
Going no contact is the best and hardest thing you can do with your narcissistic mother. It’s taken me 33 years, three terrible terrible relationships , three children of my own, educating myself with books and most importantly financially independent to finally block her out of my life. I was the only child of this crazy person and I was neglected and always made to feel like I was never good enough. I spent so much time alone as a child and all I would do is think about how much I hated her but because I needed her I had to hold everything in to survive. We had moved to the US when I was young and had no one else but my stepdad who was submissive and under her spell. I left the house as soon as I could and tried to survive with nothing and no one. To everyone who has gone through this kind of abusive relationship from their mother I’m sorry. The only good thing that can come out of this pain is being the best and most loving mother a child could ask for. It may not come naturally but I’ve become so empathetic that I see myself in my children’s eyes and all I do is kiss them, hug them, love them and allow them to be themselves and always be there for them no matter what. Giving them attention and giving them choices. I look at them as human beings. Seems so simple and normal but for someone who never got any of those things it makes me so happy that my children can have that. People may take that love for granted but that kind of love is everything.
I’ve been no contact with my narc mother for 5 1/2 years now. Best and hardest decision I’ve ever made. I have been exiled from my whole family, except for 1 cousin, and my brother, when he was alive.
My brother drank himself to death because he couldn’t deal with my mother. Our father has been dead for about 10 years now.
Classic case of narcissist mother, lies, martyrdom, split second rage, she is never wrong, talked my brother & myself down to each other our whole life, talked us down to family members for years, could never compliment me, was jealous of my father’s attention to me, wanted all of my attention and time, and would say the most horrendous insults to me, and so forth.
The last 2 years my brother was alive, she pressured him to choose her or me. Wicked! We list our other brother in a car accident when we were young kids. At 10 years old I took care of myself & my 4 year old brother, and the emotional needs of my mother. That continued until I was 50 years old, when I realized there was nothing I could do to please her, to be accepted by her, to be loved by her.
The fight was ugly, and hard to go through. My decision of no contact was made when I was crying uncontrollably and told her I have felt that she didn’t love me. Her response, “when I was your age I didn’t think my mom loved me, so I decided to be a good friend to her. You have disappointed me.”
We had the argument after she and her new husband verbally attacked my husband, and lied about him. My big crime? I stuck up for myself and my husband.
I sought therapy, and was helped immensely with the issues that I had. Plus I read a lot of books, and articles on Pinterest.
No contact can be painful, but as one post on Pinterest said, “I rather have 4 quarters than a 100 pennies!”
Do it for yourself, your spouse, and your children! You do not deserve to be abused!
Reading this makes me feel less alone. I have had to go no contact to save myself. It has it’s difficulties but is is also so freeing!
I’m 70 and my mother is 91. I’m the eldest, female, of 5. I was born 8 months after my parents were married and I got a sister when I was 17 months old. The next 3 were boys. Our mother is HORRIBLE. She STILL is. She was good to 2 of our brothers, but treated our father, sister, other brother and me, like total crap. She has managed to kill several family members. Just from being so mean. My little brother drank himself to death because of her, my little sister just died from stage 4 metastatic bone cancer. Her Oncologist told her that her form of breast cancer was due to stress and the deadliest and fastest growing. She developed breast cancer shortly after moving in with our parents to take care of our dying father. Our Dad died from a ruptured ulcer. He bled to death. Because of her evilness. Our uncle (her brother) moved out of state to get away from her and died shortly thereafter from lung cancer. She was HATEFUL to him. I survived because I was able to get away from her at a young age. But she STILL had an emotional grip on me. It wasn’t until I was in my 60’s that I became aware that she’s a Narcissist. She forced our father, WHILE he was dying, to sign over our trust fund and family fortune, to HER. And she’s used the threat of withholding the family fortune (which she’s stolen from us) to control us. I have a work comp doctor who told me I can’t have contact with her. She demanded to know WHY and threatened to withhold the family money. I had to explain that It’s a work comp doctor’s order and in my work comp medical file. She causes me too much stress and I get dizzy when I have contact with her. I have dizziness from a head injury ( I’m a retired RN and I was attacked by one of my patients) and the dizziness gets bad when I have contact with her. Today I got an envelope in the mail from her. ALL that was inside were pictures of dead family members who I DEARLY loved and now miss. I’m a widow and there were pictures of my husband, sister, brother, cousin, Dad, uncle, aunt both grandmothers and pictures of me alone and my sister alone. My sister and I were VERY CLOSE. The ONLY REASON my mother did that was to be mean. Now I’m so dizzy I can’t function. I have virtually no contact from any of my other family members. You were either for our mother or against her. And she’s turned almost everyone against me. But I have my Alanon family. I’m still in counseling.
Hi Jules,
This feels very familiar to me. It’s like going in circles, and the only thing I could do was get off that ride and remove myself from it. It feels messed up because it’s total chaos. The more time you give yourself away from it, the more your mind will settle, and then you start to slowly unravel yourself from them emotionally. Sometimes when we go no contact, it will escalate, and the family can become even more aggressive, or something like this happens. The difference is you’re serious, and they’re just playing games with you. Eventually, your mother will figure out she can’t make you speak, and she can’t make you participate. My mother thought I was playing until she realized I was never coming back, and that took a solid year of no contact. These people are dense, and by the time it occurs to them something is very wrong, it’ll be too late. Stand your ground, save yourself, and let them have each other. Over time you’ll notice nothing changes except someone in the family has to take your place and be the new target. I know my siblings resent me for leaving because it’s made their lives harder, but I don’t care. They’re grown, and I already showed them how to leave. Make new healthy, happy memories, which is exactly what I plan on doing this holiday season. It’s amazing how good the holidays are without all that toxic BS.
Hi! I’m having a little bit of a rough time and wanted to comment. I’ve always been the scapegoat. I have 3 sisters and they are all underneath my mom’s spell. They won’t budge at all because they know that she is in control of my grandparents money and if they say anything at all they lose what little and I mean very little that they get. I know I am constantly talked about by them and it is never anything nice. My dad is the only one that is on my side. My mom didn’t talk to him for about 10 years after they divorced. My mom and grandparents talked down to my dad the whole time they were married. He never did anything right in their eyes and they tried to run him to the ground. My mom and grandma are doing the same thing to me. I’ve tried to do everything right and I have four really good children and they don’t have anything good to say. They are downright nasty and mean and tell everyone else that I am. My twin sister’s daughter passed away this summer at 18 years old. I went to the funeral and was there for my sister. I couldn’t consciously not be there. She lives 7 hours away, so we’ve been texting ever since. I’ve tried to be there for her just to listen. I asked when she was coming into town next to try to see her – all of our family lives close to where I live. She let it slip that she was going to the lake. I asked her if she got a place there for the weekend. She said she did with my mom and oldest sister. My middle sister has her own place at the lake. So, my mom and sisters along with their families all got together at the lake without me. This is the type of crap that they love to do. They talk bad about me and expect me to take it and when I say something they just call me crazy. I went no contact and my mom turned it around and said she was going no contact with me and hasn’t contacted me since. It is all so messed up. I can’t even wrap my head around it. It’s like they love to make me this way. I am staying far, far away and hope that one day someone will see their ways.
Hi Heather,
I’m sure this only scratches the surface of what you’ve been through. Absolutely no one on the face of this earth has the right to treat you like crap. Anyone who abuses animals is dangerous. You’re much better off and can have a great life with your child and your dog. Enough is enough. I was called the crazy one and the bad one my whole life, and it turns out I was the only sane one in the room. Maybe you’re feeling this now too. Freedom from abuse is everything, and it’s absolutely worth it.
Had a big fight with my mother. My bro who’s 50 is mentally ill & llives w my mom. She’s 74. Mom is a narcissistic gas lighter and my mentally ill brother is just an abusive asshole. My mother allows his behavior. He yelled at my daughter for calling him a jerk after he purposely slammed my dogs nose shut in a (sideways sliding) window-a PTSD service animal, Bc he barked at a cat outside. Then he proceeded to step on my daughter who was asleep on the floor. (We came for a visit and the kids are on air
Mattresses). We are not welcome here Bc of my PTSD dog. I have PTSD from being raised by a Narc, and Divorced from another. I don’t know why I come here. I’m glad to have found this page Bc at age 49, I’m tired of being blamed, unsupported, manipulated, and called crazy for things that happen that aren’t my fault. I have NO problem taking responsibility when I mess up but the shit my mom says/does, makes me feel CRAZY. The argument went on for three HOURS as she told me and my children who I tried to defend from my brother, that we need fo shut up and take his abuse! She completely sided with him!!! She told me Bc I have a support animal I’m the abnormal person. (Bc I need and love a dog more than her!) What!!!??!
Hi Nederlof,
Thank you for sharing this and lots of love right back at you.
Heeey!!! Uhm.today i got angry at my mum and of course she took the victim part over nothing even though i got angry about precisemy that. She started the abuse when i was 4. Im almost 30 now. I dont let her abuse me anymore or manipulate me or tell me lies to my face. I dont let her scream anymor or disrespect me. And off course she manipulated me and i felt so baf af r being angry. She says she will hang herself shes a bad mother………It made me feel so bad. I never say that. When i was 4 she told me already it was my fault that she and my dad would fight . Im getting help now . I got a job. Im moving out soon( had to go back to my mums house because of corona crisis last year). Anyway i got so angry. Said what i had to say. All with good intentions coz i want her to learn to just take jokes and positive criticism in normal way….. but it didnt go nowhere. Shes 65 …… i guess she decided already whats up. Im praying a lot and meditate . Anyway just to let you know your not alone. And also to thank you for writing this. It reassured me , you write well. Thank you from the deepest of my hart!!!!! Lots of love from a strong girlxxx