After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, life gets very quiet, and you might start to feel weird or off in a way you can’t quite put your finger on. You realize none of that negativity comes from you, and it feels strange because it was always blamed on you.
There’s no more chaos, demands, judgment, criticism, guilt, shame, or obligation. All of those things came from the world she created and lives in. So you sit there in your home and look at the things that remind you of your narcissistic mother. You gather it all together to get it out of your sight and quietly contemplate setting it all on fire.
You might become incredibly sensitive to any hint of abuse in your home or at work. And now that you’ve had some time to heal, you don’t want any more abuse in your life ever again.
You’re not going to put up with it anymore from anyone.
After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, you think you’re going to suddenly feel better.
This is the part where your head will start to spin.
You wonder why this happened to you. What purpose could it possibly serve? What is the point of this pain you’ve suffered? People can’t relate to you because it’s more than they can comprehend. Everyone else loves their mother, but why don’t you? There must be something wrong with you, like she said, because you’re not like the others. Maybe you’re the narcissist…
Any of this sound familiar?
The thing is, once you stop the abuse, then you start to heal from it. Suddenly you have room to think and sort it out. You think you’ll be better once she’s dead, but that doesn’t work either because the damage is already done.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother isn’t as easy as you think.
Not only are you trying to enforce new boundaries with her, but you also have the rest of the world to deal with. Every time I mention my story to an outsider who doesn’t belong in this group, I get ‘the look.’ You know what I mean, not really shock but more like nothing.
They don’t get it.
They can’t imagine making that kind of choice. They don’t know what it’s like to have no other choice. We’re not really choosing to go no contact and risk losing our entire family.
It’s excruciating and painful because knowing the truth is not the same as accepting what you need to do to save yourself. Accepting the solution is a process of its own. We try everything to avoid this step. We tried reasoning with her, them, and with ourselves.
How could I be this person who turns their back on their family?
Family is everything,
Without family, you’re nothing.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother means you risk losing your entire family.
If the narcissist completely controls the circle you grew up in, you leave everything you used to know behind and start over with nothing.
This is what scares people the most until you realize you never had them for emotional support anyway. You’ve already been alone this whole time; being aware of it doesn’t change your current reality in any way.
I didn’t lose anything when I left; there was nothing left to lose. What’s worse is you start to understand more, and suddenly you notice how weird your family is.
You start thinking about how mean or awkward you were growing up because we only know what we’ve been taught. You live what you learn, and we play the only role we’ve ever known. It feels like you have to relearn everything, but really all you have to do is the exact opposite of what your mother would do, and you’re good. Hahaha, I laugh, but it’s not funny.
You can decide you don’t want to play the role of the scapegoat anymore and create a new role that no one in your narcissistic family is going to easily accept because if you don’t play your role anymore, then someone else has to take your place. If you have siblings, they will not appreciate this new development, and that’s okay. They get to make their own choices too.
You find out the relationships you had with family were all one-sided.
When I stopped contacting them, they never reached out. Some rumblings were going on behind my back as usual, but to me, it was no different than before. They continued to do the same things they’ve always done.
How this works is you do all the changing and evolving, and they stay exactly the same. You can’t change them, and you can’t help them, so your only choice is to stay, bit your tongue, say nothing, and endure or leave.
Those are the choices because true change comes from within, and although we know you already have an incredible inner power to have made it this far, you can’t make anyone see what they don’t want to see.
When I went no contact with my narcissistic mother, I said nothing.
They’re all pointing fingers and blaming, but there’s only one small problem. I was not crazy, but I was the only one who knew it. You wish you were crazy. Maybe it would be an easier path to be like them.
But it’s too late because you know your mother is narcissistic, and they don’t. And “they” can mean anyone from your grandparents to your father, to siblings, and close friends.
Confronting a narcissist is never a good idea, and for some reason, I decided to listen to that warning. I didn’t confront her and share any information with family members. Instead, I slowly disappeared, and at first, no one even noticed.
They did notice, however, when I wasn’t there for the next holiday. Not because they missed me and wanted to spend time with me. When the scapegoat isn’t around, someone else has to take their place, and no one wants that role.
The scapegoat in a narcissistic family buffers everyone else from the punishments.
A narcissistic mother always has to have someone to blame for her behavior. My siblings instinctively know that if I’m not there, things are much worse for them.
This isn’t happening on a conscious level. They are completely unaware. The truth is my siblings don’t miss me any more than I miss them. We have nothing in common. One married a narcissist, and the other became one. I didn’t understand it; if my brother or sister left one day without a word, I would ask why. I would maybe even demand answers. Neither one of my siblings reached out, and they’ve never said a word.
I think it’s weird and amazing at the same time how much control my mother has over them. They are completely under her spell, and I get that because I was too, but not anymore.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes longer than you think it will.
If I could go down a list of things that went through my mind, I would. Unfortunately, it took about a year and a half for my head to stop spinning. You can read more about that in the rage you feel from being raised by a narcissistic parent. I was starting to get worried, but it did pass. Just plan on taking however long you think it should take times three.
Every detail of your life begins to sort itself out, and it feels like they all have to process individually. Sometimes you get stuck in a loop, and sometimes I’d let myself stay there for a while until it wore itself out. Other times I need to get it together because life is calling, and then I use meditation and self-hypnosis.
Suppose you find yourself in a bad way or state and need something that can help you now, self-hypnosis, and can be done in ten minutes or less. You can also drag yourself out of the pit of doom by forcing better thoughts using affirmation statements that are the truth. It gets easier with practice, and once you know how it works, you can recenter yourself throughout the day in little as one minute.
I’m giving some ideas to help you stay ground, but none of this worked for me until after I found something amazing called RTT Rapid Transformational Therapy. After a session, I had much more control over my thoughts and that sense of doom? I don’t have it anymore. it’s been over a year since my first session, and I looked for that sense of doom the other day to see if I could find even a trace of it, and it’s not there. That part of me was healed after one session, so I simply don’t go there anymore. It’s like searching for an internet link that can’t be found.
You can try all this other stuff to help you heal from narcissistic abuse, but for me, none of it had any real, lasting results; it all fades away. RTT completely changed the way I felt inside immediately after the session was done. Ten days later, I was even better, I don’t suffer from that horrible self-doubt anymore, and you don’t have to either. If you’re interested and think this could help you, please see my homepage for more information.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
If you’d like to know more about the RTT hypnotherapy sessions, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
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You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.