After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, your world suddenly becomes very quiet.
There’s no more chaos, demands, judgment, criticism, guilt, shame, or obligation.
All of those things came from the world she created and lives in.
You slowly start to realize none of this comes from you.
You sit there in your home and look at the things that remind you of your narcissistic mother, and you want to purge everything.
Anything in my home that reminded me of her had to go.
I collected them all in a small little box and tossed them in the garbage where they belong.
It was a surprisingly small box that did nothing but trigger more sadness.
This sadness is the source of all my triggers.
It comes out in other forms like anger, guilt, and shame.
But it all comes from a deep sense of sorrow.
It’s always been there unrecognized and misunderstood.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers carry this pain with them their entire lives.
This is called a mother wound.
I don’t believe a mother wound like this can ever fully heal because you would need a loving mother who cared about you.
You would need your mother.
After going no contact with a narcissistic mother, the real work begins.
Whether you go low contact or full-on no contact, it leaves a space or gap in your life.
It can be a little unsettling experiencing this for the first time.
I remember thinking how instantly calm my life became and my mind, well, it quickly figured out the abuse had finally stopped, and it wanted to heal.
On the outside, my life was completely different, but on the inside, something else was growing.
It was me.
My center, my core, was coming to life.
Sometimes I asked it where have you been?
Where did you go?
It’s been there the whole time buried under the massive weight of blame and shame that’s been piling on for decades.
When you’ve been birthed to a narcissistic mother, it’s like you’ve been damned to hell for taking your first breath.
You wonder why this happened to you.
What purpose could it possibly serve?
What is the point of this pain you’ve suffered?
People can’t relate to you because it’s more than they can comprehend.
Everyone else loves their mother, but why don’t you?
There must be something wrong with you like she said because you’re not like the others.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother is frowned upon by the majority.
They can’t imagine making that kind of choice.
They don’t know what it’s like to have no other choice.
We’re not really choosing to go no contact and risk losing our entire family.
Getting to this point is not something a daughter of a narcissistic mother does lightly.
It’s excruciating and painful because knowing the truth is not the same as accepting what you need to do to save yourself.
Accepting the solution is a process of its own.
We try everything to avoid this step.
We tried reasoning with her, them, and with ourselves.
How could I be this person who turns their back on their family?
Family is everything,
Without family, you’re nothing.
Family first.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother means you risk losing your entire family.
If the circle you grew up in is completely controlled by the narcissist, you leave everything you used to know behind and start over with nothing.
This is what scares people the most until you realize you never had them for emotional support anyway.
You’ve already been alone this whole time, being aware of it doesn’t change your current reality in any way.
I didn’t lose anything when I left; there was nothing left to lose.
Why is it you’re supposed to put your family first, but no one in the family would ever do that for you?
Your feelings didn’t matter, your voice doesn’t count, and there is nothing you can do or say to get any one of them to see you.
I was the family garbage can, and that was my only purpose, my only role in my narcissistic family.
You’re ignored and forgotten about until someone has some trash to throw away.
They would fill me up with all this garbage and forget about me until the next time.
When I stopped contacting them, they never reached out.
There were some rumbling going on behind my back, but to me, it was no different than before.
They continued to do the same things they’ve always done.
The only thing that changed was me.
You realize all this time you’ve been the sanest one in the room.
You begin to see the mental illness in all your family members.
The generations of mental illness come slamming down like a hammer.
They’re all pointing fingers and blaming you, but there’s only one small problem.
You’re not crazy, and the sorrow is triggered again because you know it’s them and not you.
You wish you were crazy.
Maybe it would be an easier path to be like them.
But it’s too late because you know your mother is narcissistic, and they don’t.
When I went no contact with my narcissistic mother, I said nothing.
I didn’t confront her and share any information with family members.
I simply disappeared, and at first, no one even noticed.
No one notices the trashcan until they can’t find it when they need to dump something in it.
They did notice, however, when I wasn’t there for the next holiday.
Not because they missed me and wanted to spend time with me.
When the scapegoat isn’t around, someone else has to take their place, and someone else has to take the blame.
The scapegoat in a narcissistic family buffers everyone else from the punishments.
The narcissistic mother always has to have someone to blame for her behavior.
My siblings instinctively know that if I’m not there, things are much worse for them.
This isn’t happening on a conscious level.
They are completely unaware.
The truth is my siblings don’t miss me any more than I miss them.
We have virtually nothing in common.
One married a narcissist, and the other became one.
My life has been a series of small awakenings I’ve tried to explain to them before.
They watched the way our mother treated me, and they did nothing but turn around and treat me the exact same way as they were taught.
If you have siblings in a narcissistic family, you realize they’ve been conditioned to believe the scapegoat is unworthy and less than.
There’s nothing you can do because you’re invisible to them too.
A narcissistic mother will purposely divide her children and keep them in separate corners.
She taught us to abuse, mistreat, ignore, and dismiss each other.
She taught us this behavior was okay, it was normal, and it’s what she wanted.
We were not allowed to form healthy bonds or relationships with each other.
She would always intervene and put an immediate stop to any sign of mutiny.
Our brothers and sister are supposed to be allies, but instead, they’re strangers we never really knew.
When you realize what this type of toxic personality disorder has done to you and the siblings you’ve always tried to protect, it’s beyond anything you’ve ever seen before or will ever see again.
We’re full-grown adults now, and this behavior is still happening because the cycle continues until someone wakes up and stops it.
That someone also has to have the guts and the required inner strength to break an ancient cycle that’s been going on for hundreds of years undetected.
In a narcissistic family, the scapegoat is branded crazy, unstable, a troublemaker, and a liar.
I didn’t bother telling them what was going on with me because I know my mother, and there was no way she was going to let me take one of them with me.
Not that it mattered, I don’t think either one of them has the guts to do what I’ve done.
To them, I’ve defied God and His Will.
We were raised by a strictly religious narcissistic mother.
My experience comes from a very small town in the middle of nowhere, but this is happening in all the little nowhere’s from a land of nobody cares.
My writing is for people who can see and understand where I’m coming from.
I will not be shamed and judged for my thoughts and emotions by anyone anymore from any corner of this universe.
When you own your story and your insecurities, they don’t own you.
No one can hold them against you or use them to control you, and your choices will be misunderstood by those not meant to join you on your journey.
This isn’t for them; it’s for you.
After being raised by a narcissistic mother, you become immune to abusive behaviors.
When I was younger, it didn’t phase me as much as it should’ve when someone became hostel or physically violent.
It was easier to get beat every single day than to spend one more minute with my mother.
Bruises and broken bones were nothing compared to what she put me through.
Why?
Bruises and broken bones heal quickly even though it’s embarrassing, humiliating, and can be seen from the outside.
I was emotionally dead inside, and no one ever saw that.
I had no clue why or how things kept happening to me, but I was numb and unresponsive most of the time.
You’re walking through life with a gaping wound that bleeds out all over your life, and you have no idea how it got there.
It’s one thing to have a problem and know why.
It’s another thing to be gaslighted by your mother your whole life and be denied answers or solutions.
We never had a chance, we never had a choice, and we will never forget what it’s like to have that taken from us.
A mother wound like this from being raised by a narcissist is permanent.
Eckhart Tolle explains this in his book The Power Of Now.
Not everyone has a severe mother wound like this, but everyone does have what he calls “the pain-body,” and the pain-body never goes away.
It’s a part of us, it’s there for a reason, and it has a purpose.
Unfortunately, it can get out of control and completely take over.
Most people (not just an adult child of a narcissist)… most people stay in this state for their entire lives.
Eckhart Tolle’s second book called Practicing The Power of Now teaches you how to communicate with your pain-body to soothe it and make it smaller.
The soul and the mind are not the same things, and when the body dies, the mind dies with it.
The idea is to split these apart so you can be you without the craziness of the mind taking over.
I’ve been practicing this since 2017, and being aware of it and having a name for it helps me understand what’s going on internally.
Before this, I was a jumbled mess of thoughts, anxiety, overwhelm, stress, etc.
The Power Of Now worked the first time I used it.
I couldn’t believe it was that simple, so I also purchased Practicing The Power Of Now, and it’s even better than the first book (so get both).
The Power Of Now can be a difficult read, but Practicing The Power Of Now is a book you’ll keep going back to for support and guidance.
The solutions to heal from narcissistic abuse are not complicated.
These are not hard to do tasks or huge time commitments, but you have to try different things and some things more than once to know if it works for you or not.
Practicing The Power of Now is easy.
As you keep practicing (for as little as one minute a day), it quickly becomes your preferred mindset that works in every situation.
When you feel drained, exhausted, or like you can’t take anymore, this reminds us that our internal light and our Being is an ultimate source of energy and power.
The mind gets tired, and the body gets tired, but our source is an endless well of fuel you can draw from whenever you need it.
Knowing how to draw from this source within you gives you instant strength and resilience.
You have everything you need inside of you, and all you need to know is how to access it and how to connect with it.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes longer than you think it will.
If I could go down a list of things that went through my mind, I would.
I call it the purge.
Every detail of your life begins to sort itself out, and all of these things have to processed individually.
Sometimes you get stuck in a loop, and sometimes I let myself stay there for a while until it wears its self out.
Other times I need to get it together because life is calling, and then I use meditation and self-hypnosis.
If you’ve never tried mediation or self-hypnosis, read my experience, so you know what to expect because things can get weird.
If you find yourself in a bad way or state and you need something that can help you now, self-hypnosis and meditations can be done in thirty minutes or less.
It gets easier with practice, and once you know how it works, you can recenter yourself throughout the day in little as one minute.
Final thoughts…
I know this stuff works because I do it regularly, and I know it won’t hurt you one bit either.
The purge will end when it’s done cycling through, but it took me sixteen months for my mind to stop spinning after going no contact.
Practicing The Power Of Now lets my mind do its thing without it taking over.
Without this book, I may have been trapped in there forever with no way out.
The only way out is through, so don’t get trapped in the labyrinth of the mind.
I’ve seen it happen, but it doesn’t have to happen to you.
I also have a list of other books I’ve read that might help you under my recommended books page.
Need support?
I tried life coaching, and it’s been a life-changing encounter.
I needed someone to listen to me and help me understand myself better.
It was the most liberating and grounding experience of my life, so I decided to become a certified life coach.
If you’re interested, get more information about how coaching works at proofoflifecoaching.com.
When you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, sometimes you need help. If you have more severe symptoms like debilitating depression, PTSD, or C-PTSD, you can connect with a professional therapist online.
It called Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face or meet them in an office.
They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so there’s no waiting three weeks for an appointment.
It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.