Narcissistic abuse makes you THINK you’re losing your mind. This is pure mind manipulation. I’ve been giving sessions for over a year now for adults raised by a narcissistic parent, and the only thing I’ve found is good people. Highly intelligent, beautiful people who have been labeled, shamed, and condemned by the family that “loves” them.
At the beginning of my healing, I didn’t realize what happened to me, but it’s the same thing that can happen to all of us. I was absolutely convinced I was the problem, something was wrong with me, and I must be crazy.
Narcissistic Abuse makes a perfectly sound person THINK they’ve gone mad.
But they haven’t.
There’s a difference between having an actual mental illness and being conditioned to believe you’re crazy. I spent twenty years secretly wondering and thinking I was crazy, and it turns out I’m not. When you’ve been gaslighted and manipulated to this degree, unraveling your mind from it is not pleasant. It’s not easy because your brain has to reevaluate everything that’s ever happened in your entire life.
Now I’m not a doctor or psychologist, but it felt like my brain was growing new neurons and pathways. Mental blocks started to dissolve, and new information was allowed to come to the front of my mind into consciousness. This was after the initial flood of flashbacks and after my glass house went crashing to the ground. You know, that moment all the blood leaves your face, your stomach sinks, and you grasp the full reality of what you’re up against. Yeah, after I recovered from that, my brain lit up in a way I didn’t know it could.
Did I want revenge? Of course.
It’s perfectly normal to feel this way, and I’m a true Scorpio. I have no problem telling you how it really feels, and we’re allowed to have these emotions. They are real, and not being allowed to have emotions or feelings is how we got all messed up in the first place.
I do have to hold back to a degree because this blog is public. Maybe you’ve noticed. However, whatever’s going on in your head will not shock me. I went all the way to the dark side and back. Then I came across the term reactive abuse, and I want you to know about it in case it’s happened to you.
Physically I’m nonviolent to the core, but after being raised by a narcissistic mother, I can verbally and emotionally tear a person to shreds because I learned from the best. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I used it to protect myself, to keep people at arm’s length, or to make them hate me so they would forever leave me alone.
When I was young, all I ever wanted was for everyone to leave me alone, and as I got older, I got very good at it.
But when it comes to revenge… how do you get even for a lifetime of abuse?
How do you get that time and energy back from the past? The answer is you can’t.
I could’ve made the mistake of confronting my mother when I was in the rage, but I didn’t. And that’s only because I was so enraged I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want them to know how angry I was because part of me knew they’d enjoy it.
Anger is one thing. Rage is an all-consuming fire inside wrapped up in depression, confusion, frustration, sadness, and betrayal.
At first, you struggle with guilt and shame; you feel like you’ve been duped and should’ve known better. This part can be very difficult, but for me, I’d been made to feel guilty every single day of my existence, and I was sick of that feeling, so I moved to the rage phase fairly quickly.
Then I stayed there for almost a year. It takes your mind longer than you think it will to process all this, and so I was starting to question my sanity again. I can see why people who’ve been through much worse than me can have a hard time coming back from that.
About three months later, I got into hypnotherapy and started making some real progress. Once I picked myself up off the floor for the millionth time in my life, I started to rebuild my world because I had to cut ties and leave my narcissistic family behind.
This sounds cliche but living a happy and successful life is the best revenge.
I have that now. I am proof it can be done, and none of my family of origin is in it. They would do everything in their power to diminish me if they knew, but they never will because no matter what you do or what you accomplish in life, the narcissistic family will never see it.
I had to accept, fully accept that they will never acknowledge the achievements or tell you they’re proud of you because deep down, they don’t want you to succeed. They don’t want you to get better. You, healthy and well, is a huge threat to their fragile ego bubble.
I created this blog and built a successful online business because I was furious. I believed I was unstable and that my perception of what was happening was some delusional fabrication I made up in my head. This whole time, you know, my entire life, I wasted all that time trying to figure out what kind of mental illness I was dealing with and why no one was able to help me.
I didn’t find what I was looking for, and I’m sure you can relate. I found the definition of narcissistic abuse. It was in that moment I’ll never forget it, it was like a blink of an eye, a split second, and you can’t quite admit it to yourself, but you knew. It fit. All the pieces start coming together, and then you’re pissed.
You can read more about how the rage phase helped me change my life here and why it’s an important part of the healing journey. And it is a journey. You have no idea how far this will take you. I honestly believe this is how a human brick shithouse is made. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen after this. We walked through the most difficult days of our life as children.
If you’ve made it this far in life, I know how much strength it took and takes just to keep going. So we know we’re strong. At the same time, I used to become emotionally paralyzed and physically unable to get through the day. This can be a physical issue too, like adrenal fatigue from years of walking on eggshells which wears out the body from producing and maintaining high cortisol levels (the flight or fight response).
We get sick or injured, and this is the mind telling you to pay attention or slow down. If you don’t slow down, your mind will put you down because the mind will recharge the hard way or the easy way. As you age, recharging the hard way gets even tougher.
Here’s a thought that could change your day.
If you’re struggling, if you’re losing, if you’re completely devastated, and your life is not what you want it to be right now, changing your life is like changing the season. It’s gradual and an accumulation of many small changes. We can’t simply dream about a better life. We have to build it.
I’ve rebuilt my life so many times I’m an expert. I am an expert. I did again, and so will you. We get the hell up just as we’ve always done, and we do it again. Only this time, this time, you have leverage. This is a whole new level of motivation.
Building my ideal life took me four years, and I was thirty-eight when I started. That includes healing from narcissistic abuse, this blog, and my practitioner license. I’ve been reinventing myself every decade, and so far, my forties are the best. I never thought I’d get this far. I thought I was different, I had no self-esteem, and my opinion of myself was worse than poor.
I was completely conditioned and programmed to believe I was born bad, difficult, and crazy.
Today I reject all of it.
The biggest problem with narcissists is they don’t have the ability to regulate their emotions.
They rely on other people to tell them or show them how to feel. They need a muse or a person to mirror, and then they copy the emotions and behaviors they like. You and I are capable of regulating our emotions, but we were never taught these kinds of life skills, and that’s why everything gets so weird and confusing.
There are many times I remember acting just like my mother, but I didn’t know any other way to respond. I thought the way she was acting was good, and being like her was a good way to be. I tried to be more like her so she would love and accept me. All children wish to be good for their parents. It’s normal. Children are hardwired to give absolutely unconditional to their parents for survival. A child can’t survive on their own, and their little survival mode subconscious mind knows it, but as an adult, that’s not true anymore.
So whenever you’re confused or frustrated as to why or how a healthy relationship works, it’s because everything we learned growing up is backward and twisted, so no wonder we’re confused and uncomfortable about how to respond in our adult relationships. My lack of communication skills was a fear of speaking my truth.
Narcissistic abuse taught me I don’t need anything but myself to survive and thrive.
For the record, rage kicks fear’s ass any day of the week, and I’m grateful for it because it helped push me in the right direction.
My goal is to plant some seeds of hope with this journal because you can get lost in the barren wasteland of trauma, wondering if you’ll ever find your way out. My best advice is to remember you’re not crazy, and you didn’t do this to yourself. This was done to you.
And you can undo it.
Also, not everyone heals the same way or at the same pace. I learned how to do what’s best for me (another life skill we weren’t taught). I can’t afford to comply or be agreeable with other people’s opinions on how I live my life. Maybe that’s part of the lesson from the powers that be, and if so, then I just passed my test.
As always, I hope you enjoy reading this journal. I don’t get to talk about these things in my private life but wearing myself out writing this ridiculously long post puts my soul and mind to rest, so thank you for giving me a reason to write and someone to share it with.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.