The Two Sides of A Narcissistic Grandmother And The Behaviors To Expect

56 Comments on The Two Sides of A Narcissistic Grandmother And The Behaviors To Expect

1. My dad cheated on his wife and 4 kids with my mom, who then took me home to her insane narc mother and here I am 50 years old processing. This can’t be fair. This is amazing that parents and grandparents can be so sinister to their own flesh and blood. Good grief!

2. Hi Nicole,

   I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and everyone here understands what it’s like. Don’t let them take how smart you are away from you. We all felt stupid and duped until we realized we were all innocent children trying to survive and how incredibly wrong and unfair all this is. And you’re doing exactly what you need to do right now, and that’s finding support outside of her reach. It’s like starting from scratch and rebuilding your life from the ground up. Fortunately, you have a good husband, and for me, that’s all I needed was one person to believe in me until I was strong enough to believe in myself. I’m glad you went searching for answers and found your way here.

3. At this moment I don’t even have words. I always thought that narcissists simply “knew” they were better than everyone else. Boy oh boy, was I ever wrong. I read do much of this out loud to my husband, and he was dumbfounded. He was the first one to say, “that’s your mom”. And he was saddened by it. It did not make him happy to say that, nor I to hear it. My mind is still reeling with the article and all the comments. It’s like I was reading a story about my own life in so many of these stories. I have been crying for an hour. I just thought my mom was “crazy”. And I was “crazy” because of she was, or because I grew up in such an environment. My mother has turned my sisters, my brother, 2 of my 3 children against me (my youngest grew up with her dad because OF COURSE I was a mess). And she did all of this to my dad as well, when I was growing up. No wonder he became an addict. NO WONDER I followed on his footsteps! I signed up for the mini e-book. Please pray for me, anyone who reads this. I am 39, and I feel so STUPID, because the ONE thing I did feel pride about was the fact that I was smart. Even my family acknowledges that (“Really, Nicole, you are too smart for your own good, and when you’re too smart, you stop learning cuz you already think you know everything!”) I am afraid my 2 kids are truly lost to me, and the hell with the rest of them. My dad only escaped because he died. That will not be me, and I will focus on my relationship w my husband, my youngest child, and HER dad. He recently told me he thought I was crazy, until he spent time w my mom so she could see my youngest. And he apologized to me, and I grateful to have his support, along with my husband’s. Who would have thought? Please, post my full name, and anyone who can help me regain my life, look for me on FB. I love in Tulsa, OK. And if it’s not appropriate to put that in this comment please feel free to edit, it contact me to edit. I need a community of people she hasn’t poisoned against me.

4. Thankyou for affirming that this exists. Everything you said is so accurate. I finally feel for the first time ever at nearly 40 that I’m not alone. X

5. Hi Clarice,

   Narcissistic grandparents can be very dangerous because they want to continue the cycle of abuse. It’s the only way they’ve ever known, and they can’t even see it’s a problem. We don’t know what’s normal or not because this has been our whole lives, so you’re partner is a good ally to have. The empath part you’ll always have to help you too and the people pleaser part? Well, that goes away when we learn how to set boundaries and take our power back. I was so traumatized in my teens I didn’t think there was any emotional growth for me either. I thought I was a late bloomer. Now I feel like I emotionally outgrew my family at the age of 14. Being an empath means you can heal, and once you sort things out, it’s a powerful gift. And don’t worry, as you heal yourself, you heal your children too.

6. Thank you for this. I am 40 years old with 2 kids and have realised both my parents are narcs.
   As a child and teen they had to control me, opened my mail, gave me no privacy, interfered in my relationships with others, ignored my misery etc… I was a good daughter who did everything they said but never earnt their trust or more priveleges for doing the right thing.
   Now as a parent myself my dad especially is trying to control my children’s lives and tell me what to do with them. He will put me down in front of my children.
   I talked to my Mum about all this who told me I need to be more forgiving and decided to insult me rather than sort through the crap that is damaging my own little family.
   I feel as though a caring mother would have listened to my concerns and been genuine about trying to fix them. Not point out where I have gone wrong when I am in a terrible mental state.
   40 years of manipulation and giving in to please them both. It’s has such an impact on my relationship with my partner who pointed out to me that this is not ‘normal’ or ‘ok’.
   I am an empath and a people pleaser as a result of my childhood.
   I cry most days just reading the news. I feel like I never experienced emotional growth during my teen years.
   Thanks so much for this, it’s great reading and I wish you all the best x

7. My mil is a narc. She guilted the heck out of my husband because she had him young in life. Saying things like I could have gotten rid of you. We have young kids and at least my husband is somewhat aware of her toxic behavior. I am very aware of her toxic behavior. We don’t see her much even though we don’t live that far. She is one those type of grandmothers who ignores us. If we go to family gatherings she puts on a big show for everyone doting on her grandkids. What a laugh and a half that is. This article is spot on. Narcissists are incapable of being happy for anyone else. My mother in law is thrilled when I gained weight or am having trouble. She literally dances around. She will never change. Her mother was a narcissist too.

8. I didn’t figure this out until 2012. I would have been 38 at the time. Over the years I had tried to put my finger on it but just could not quite make the connection to what the madness is.

   I went No Contact in August 2008 (age 32). After I had not heard from her in months and months she called to tell me who I was going to be voting for in the upcoming election. I told her I will be doing no such thing. Sorry. She hung up. And that was it.

   My mother divorced my father when she was 6 weeks pregnant with my brother. (1977) My baby book stopped the day he was born and nothing further was ever written. My brother became the star. He was born a Narc himself.

   I have scant memories of him telling me at a very young age (like 7) he could tell the grandparents or my mother or step father anything he chose and they would believe whatever he said does not matter if it was the truth or not.

   And I would be punished and he would be out in the yard playing with my toys and bike whenever he wanted because I would be locked in my room (they physically locked me in with one of those paddle locks on the top of doors in the 70’s early 80’s) and could not do anything about it. He was 7. I was 11.

   At age 13 I was fed up with the narc fun house (narc mom, grooming narc brother, covert narc step dad, narc grandmother, and narc enabler grandfather) and moved in with my dad 50 miles away (not far enough ) over xmas 1990 . my dad was the scapegoat before me. Then I was branded as such after moving out. She took the following from me upon exit:
   clothes
   books
   shoes
   toys
   furniture
   all school binders and pencils ect..
   all xmas gifts I had just received
   She also wanted to rip the braces off my mouth but that could not be done by her…..she would have if she could I have no doubt.

   I left anyway.

   Moved in with my dad who at this point was a mild alcoholic. So it was an alcoholic house. We ate spam. The washer didn’t work, sometimes the phone was shut off, the power bill was always 5 days away from being cut off…. But at least I could come and go as I pleased and I was not locked inside my room.

   The narc fun house had many attempts to reel me back in, money, car, motorcycle, college, whatever it was all on the table over the next 4 years. I didn’t bite on any of it. Sort of thought my soul depended on me opting out. And staying opted out. The narc fun house moved 900 miles North of us in 1991. All of them.

   I did not do well in public school. It too much resembled the narc fun house. I was kicked out for not having enough credits at 18yo. The local C school approved me for acceptance though and said I had til 21 to finish. I knew I would not need all that. Anyway, I turned 18 right before school started. After school started the principal called me in one morning (we started at 9am) and said he had a rather strange call from my mother.
   I said “ok whats going on?”

   He said “she called to tell him the following: that you are a waste of tax payer dollars. “you should be immediately kicked out and he should not let me get my diploma.” Then he said “you know, normally I get calls from parents begging me NOT to kick out their kids. I cant say I have ever had a parent call me. To tell me. Their kid was not worth tax payer dollars.”

   He then looked at me and said “What Kind of relationship do you have with your mother?”

   I said “None, I don’t live with her and moved out to live with my dad when I was 13”.

   He said he would not speak to her any longer as I was 18 Yo and could manage my own schooling moving forward. I started in 9R and graduated with full credits 9 months later. On my own. I worked Full time and went to school as our hours were 9am-12:30pm daily. After I graduated I went for the walk 6 months later. My mother decided she was coming with my narc grandmother and it would all be wonderful wonderful. I could not believe it. Just leave me alone already. I live 900 miles away . I was such a show.

   21 I moved to the city got a job in beverage distribution. It was awesome. My dad was happy for me. I got letters in the mail monthly from the narc fun house telling me all the usual things. At some point I just quit reading them and just started throwing them away when they came in unopened. Maybe there was a check in it maybe not. Oh well.

   I was low contact from 13 to 28 when I had my child. It was in this time that they were begging to be more current part of my life yade yade. I had told them they would need to atone and apologize straight up.

   I got few words from narc mother and narc step dad (he was a bastard in his own right) . It said . I am sorry you feel that way.

   I had low contact and lived a long ways from the narc fun house. So its not like they would just pop in.
   During this time I had a steady job and income I had control over . My narc mother however had been for some reason calling and talking to my boss about me for months and I had no idea about this. Until he told me one day he had talked to my mother. Well how exactly did that happen? Hmm . At the time I lived over 500 miles away from the Narc fun house. I still have no idea how my mother. Was talking to my immediate supervisor. At a job. I had. Or for what reason.

   Anyway her interest in my child was low. She wanted 5 minutes and pictures and that was it. She was too busy doing other things locally. When my child was 4 my boyfriend at the time (who I later married) and I took a trip up north for visit. Narc granny getting on in years. 800 miles north at this time. We got there. And narc mother and covert narc step dad were walking out the door, sorry gotta run they are going on vacation. “Maybe next time” they said. I told her right there “There wont be a next time.” “Ok dear “ she said and off they rode on their Harley bike. So it was just us and the narc grandmother. That trip cost us over 2000$. That was the last time she saw my child. 4 YO.

   When my child turned 5 narc grandmother and narc mother at the narc fun house started berating me for not putting my child in headstart /Kg whatever (which they both worked in . Narc grandmother 35 year librarian, Narc mother Teacher , and Superintendent eventually. Narc step dad was a child removal agent for cps and eventually a Juvenal Court Judge, enabling grandfather 40 year decorated Mst Srgt marine. – all govt ) . I told them well legal age is 6yo. They need to butt out. That next year I started Homeschooling.

   We never went back. Narc grandmother died in 2011. Before she died she told me she had a CD for me, my child and my brother 10K ea from some money she had got for enabler grandfather for unpaid Korean war veteran pay after he died. I told her I would use that on a down for a small house. 6 months after she passed I emailed my mother to ask when the Cds would be paid out? She emailed me back and told me sorry that money is spent she had no idea what it was for. But it was gone. I called the bank and they reported me for calling about the account . To the narc fun house.

   She stole my childs inheritance. And Mine. I am sure though that narc golden child got his share. That is the last time we exchanged words. 2012.

   My child graduated at 16Yo in 2019. He is 18 last Month. He has no memory of Narcissism although I have spoken with him on the subject, I have told him his kids wont know this. He is studying Hamm Radio, He is planning on going into business for himself, he has great confidence, much more than I had at his age, and is humble as it comes. He is well rounded in his talents and I feel he will be the splinter off the wood pile that will break off and go its own way.

   We bought land 2 years ago now and have been making payments on it. Next Spring husband, adult child and myself are relocating half way across the country for good. My sons future children will be far removed from access from any narc fun house residents. My son will start his life and when he does he at least will have the chance to build it on his own terms.

   I told him to pick out the mailbox we buy and when he is old and we are long gone with his own grand-kids he can remember back to who put that mailbox there and who built their home on the plot of land we bought. He just smiles “yeah that will be cool mom”.

   Our sons even temper and humble demeanor is the product of No Contact. I would do it all over again hands down . I do not care how socially irregular. Because for children of the narc fun house . That is whats needed to stabilize. There isn’t any other way.

9. How do you cope with double betrayal when you find out your boyfriend cheated on you with your Mom? When I confronted her, she went into a sudden rage and gaslighting. I can’t leave but keeping communications low contact.

10. I made a mistake. A big mistake. What could be more insane than watching your baby drive away with a monster. And you can’t do anything about it.
    I stand there cold and wave good bye and for the next 3 hours wonder what they will do to her, what they will say. I’m naive to think I know everything about them. I do not. Just because he is biologically her father, doesn’t give him the rights to her soul..and that is what they are after. He lives with his mother and they are the worst pair of monsters. Sinister to the core. The dads only interest in our daughter over the years has been to take her to his mother. An offering of some kind. He lives with his mother. She has destroyed our life. When I refused her contact she had her son file for joint custody. Now my daughter is forced to go over there, forced to sleep over there, a prize for his mother. The irony is that the dad has always had access to her, but did this so I couldn’t refuse our daughter sleeping over at his mothers house anymore. He filed for custody so his mother could have my daughter. My daughter looks at me , I thought you could protect me, .

11. Hi Marie,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, there are no words, but you’ll be in my thoughts. I went through legal battles over twenty years ago, so it’s not my area of expertise. However, Rebecca Zung on Youtube is a good source of information, and she might be able to point you in the right direction. I hope things get better for you and your son very quickly.

12. What if during the time after which one is grieving, the first time I showed weakness to the world as a proud special needs parent/advocate/business owner and during the time of processing repeat trauma, triggers and diving right into therapy 5-7 days a week due to the now knowledge of this monster’s illness, The NPD grandmother uses my sons father in another state to try and seek custody away from me? Something she has done to 4 other people also during a time of grieving, as well as stripped another human of all human rights and uses him as a steady source of supply.
    As well as the fact; my sons father is a well known alcoholic. I have managed the relationship for 12 years now with my son in this world. He just recently in a total car crash with my son in it.
    I never took him to court for custody. Although the case dismissed. I still have to go through the legal process to get my child back. I have seen death by suicide, mental illness develop in more than one person, I am aware of at least 1 person whom had a heart attack and passed away after her life was destroyed within 6 months time. I am scared for my sons life every hour he is away from me. Any legal cases known yet (bc I can not find enough case law out there with intent to cause harm or negligent harmful acts) that you are aware of? Or firms who are looking at this cereal killer in a different light than just a selfish self centered personality flaw?

13. I believe my mother-in-law may be a covert narcissist due to the very sneaky & manipulative things she has done in the 10 years I have known her. At first, she thought I was the greatest thing ever & I truly felt close to his family & felt I could trust them, boy was I ever wrong! When I caught my spouse (her son), cheating, I saw a completely different person come out in her & it left me completely bewildered. I told her I was really concerned & confused by her son’s behavior & his treatment of me. She immediately raised her voice & said that I didn’t love her son, I had destroyed her son’s life & she just wanted her son back, which she repeated about three times. She also said it was basically my fault that her son had cheated because I was so insecure & that my son & I had issues we needed to work on & get help from a professional with. However, her son was fine & did not need to speak to a professional. Also, she suggested I quit digging for more info about her son’s cheating & I just needed to get over it. She proceeded to tell me that since I caught him cheating, that her son doesn’t have a life anymore, I don’t believe anything he tells me & just wants her son back. She also admitted to reading many of the text messages I had sent my husband about the cheating, how it affected me, my concerns & feelings & she commented how ridiculous my texts were & couldn’t I just let him live his life. When I told her that her son was going into rages for no reason & was behaving in a very cold & callous manner, she instantly dismissed it saying, well, he doesn’t act like that around us or his friends, so it must be something you are doing. At this point, I was a bawling mess. She never once asked if I was okay, apologized for upsetting me, showed zero empathy for her son cheating, etc. It was all about excusing & justifying what he did & making it my fault. No compassion for me whatsoever. Two weeks later, only because my husband basically forced her to apologize, did she send a Facebook message apologizing saying she was sorry I felt that way. It felt very forced & insincere. My husband & I have an 8 year old daughter together & when she was about three, she disclosed some information to me that suggested someone had been sexually abusing her. I shared this info with my counselor at the time & she told me to call DHS & tell them what she had told me. My husband acted very strange when this info came out & we thought he seemed guilty about something. First words from his parents mouths when they heard what our daughter had disclosed, was that I had obviously made up this whole story & coached my daughter to say these things because I was just trying to get back at their son for cheating on me. I was appalled! I told them I would never put my daughter through that process, if I was going to get back at their son, I would go sleep with someone else, & I could get in some serious trouble for making a false allegation. I offered to take a lie detector test to prove I was not making anything up. The case ended up being closed due to lack of evidence, although the case worker did feel something had happened, it was just hard at my daughter’s young age to really figure out what had gone on & who was involved. I really didn’t feel her dad could do something like that but I also knew that with him being a covert narcissist as well, anything was a possibility. Through all of this, most of his family, had deleted me as a friend on Facebook.
    Now, cut to present time & in June 2021, my daughter disclosed to me that her 15 year old female cousin had been sexually abusing her at my in-laws house after they would get done swimming, they allowed my daughter & her cousin to take a shower together. This happened numerous times over the summer & after discussing more, realize this had been going on for longer than I originally thought. My daughter described in detail what her cousin had done to her & what she had her do to her & also showed her “sex” videos on her phone, then would proceed to act out these scenes with her. It was so hard to hold my composure while she told me these things, but I didn’t want to scare her & then she would quit talking. She also told me her cousin told her that it was normal for them to do what they were doing but she also shouldn’t tell anyone because she could get in trouble & wouldn’t be able to see my daughter anymore. I instantly called my husband & told him what she had told me. He seemed eerily calm with the info I had shared with him & just told me that that would definitely not be happening anymore. The next time I talked to him, he had talked to his dad about it & me said it sounded like they were just experimenting & our daughter was going along with it so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I immediately told him that in no way., shape or form was that our daughter’s fault! I said, according to our state’s laws, the fact that our daughter was under 12 years old & that her abuser was more than three years older than she was, it is a crime! I then contacted DHS & two social workers & a deputy came out the next day to talk about what had happened. The case worker stated that she just needed my daughter to disclose enough info so she could proceed with the case. My daughter did give her enough info & a few days later we had to go to a guardian care center to have a forensic interview done. This was done by someone completely different & my daughter didn’t feel comfortable, & didn’t disclose any further details. We were waiting for DHS to talk to her cousin because her mom (husband’s sister) & her were on vacation back East & we didn’t want to put that on her in the middle of their vacation. So, once they got back, my father in law told my husband’s sister what our daughter had disclosed. At first, his sister seemed to really be concerned & she called DHS as well to report the abuse. His sister first offered to come over so us adults could discuss in person but that didn’t happen & then my husband told me that his sister didn’t have anything to say to me at this time. DHS went & talked to the sister & cousin & of course, the cousin lied & said nothing happened. To which, my husband’s sister tells him she believes her daughter because she showed no discomfort when asked questions & she could just tell she was telling the truth. So, I said, if she believes her daughter then she’s basically saying our daughter is a liar…I was furious. Then, my mother in law did some of the most outrageous things over the next few weeks that made me livid. My mother in law had been informed of what our daughter had said about being abused. So, one day we were visiting at their house because my father in law needed help unloading something. We had just watched Space Jam 2 at the theater & I mentioned how my daughter and I missed some parts of the movie because I had to take her to the bathroom twice. To which my mother in law responds, “yea, whenever I would take the grandkids to the movies, (insert sexual abuser cousin’s name here), would always be the one to take her to the bathroom & she chuckled. My jaw dropped to the floor & my daughter, who was within ear shot, heard her cousin’s name mentioned, turned around & said “what?” To which my mother in law again repeats exactly what she had just said & my daughter went closer to her & used her tongue to make a spitting noise at her basically letting her know, I don’t like you mentioning my cousins name that molested me. What does my mother in law do, she repeats it yet again! My father in law looked at me & I’m sure could tell my blood was boiling so he tried to change the subject. I instantly went outside & told my husband what his mother had just done & he said, what, is she supposed to completely ignore her other granddaughter or act like she doesn’t exist? I said, when our daughter is around, you’re God damn right! He told me to calm down, he would talk to her about it. After he talked to her, her response was that it wasn’t her intention to cause any harm to our daughter. I called BS & said she knew exactly what she was doing! One week after that, I get home & notice our daughter has a new stuffed animal unicorn & I asked where she got that from & she said Nana (my mother in law), had given it to her & it was from her cousin, that molested her. She had bought it for our daughter while her & her mother were on vacation. I looked at my husband & I lost it! I said, did you know about this? He said yes & asked me what was his mom supposed to do with it then? I said…. she doesn’t give our daughter a gift from the person that sexually abused her!! I don’t care what she does with it, but she certainly doesn’t give it to our daughter. When my daughter wasn’t looking, I grabbed the stuffed animal & threw it in the outside garbage. I told my husband he better be having a convo with his mother about her completely inappropriate behavior! Of course, her response, she didn’t even think about that…. again I call BS! Now, two weeks later, my husband and my daughter are visiting my in laws & after they got back, my daughter informed me that her Nana was talking to her molester cousin on FaceTime, in the same room as my daughter. She also told me that her Nana had brought up the cousin’s name several times in conversation & had the cousin’s picture as her Screensaver on her iPad. I told my husband if his mother can’t refrain herself from talking to or about the cousin while our daughter is there, that our daughter did not need to be going over there anymore. Which, he pipes back with, you won’t tell me who our daughter can & can’t see. I also was able to drag out of my husband that when this info first came out, that my father in law asked him if it was possible that I was making all of this up like I did the first time when our daughter was younger! Again, couldn’t believe they were trying to shift the blame on me hut also not surprised. DHS also talked to my in laws at their house because that’s where the sexual abuse had occurred. Shortly after DHS met with them, I get a phone call from our case worker & she tells me she would like to speak with me in person because she had a couple more questions to ask me before she gives her final assessment. I asked her what it was regarding & couldn’t we just discuss over the phone, & she said it was nothing bad, but wanted to discuss in person. She then told me that some new info had just come to light about the first case with DHS. Which, I knew immediately that my in laws had most likely told the case worker that I had made up everything in the first case just to get back at their son & was most likely making everything up this time too. I’m sure they told her I was crazy, not a good mother, how perfect their golden child son is, etc. So, the case worker set up a time to come out the next week, she calls right at the time of the appointment & says she has to reschedule because she had an emergency come up with another one of her clients. Said she would call back later that day to reschedule. Never heard from her, so finally got her to call me back the next week after I had left two voicemails for her, we get another appointment time set up for the next week. Day of appointment, she doesn’t show, I call & leave voicemails on cell & her office phone & that was a month ago & still have yet to hear anything from her!! Mind you, I have been calling & leaving voicemails on her cell & office phone, with the front desk & still nothing! My daughter was very upset that her cousin lied to DHS saying nothing had happened & said she wanted to talk to someone & disclose more information. Also, since DHS has talked to the cousin, she has continued to be active on social media, posting selfies, which my mother in law & husband’s sister have been liking every pic she posts & putting heart emojis in the comments, telling her how beautiful she is, & how proud they are of her for getting her driver’s permit, etc. Acting as if nothing has happened, laughing & making jokes in the comments. So, then a couple weeks ago, I see that the cousin posted on Facebook that she was looking for ways to make money & wondered if anyone would be interested in hiring a 15 year old for any kind of job such as yard work or BABYSITTING! She also tagged her moms name in the post. I could not believe that her mom has not only allowed her to stay on social media but would think it’s okay for her daughter to babysit considering there is currently an open case with DHS where she has been named as the abuser!! This dysfunctional family is so enmeshed & in such complete denial that all they care about is that the perfect image that is presented to the public is not tarnished in any way. They just can’t have that happen, so let’s just ignore this, sweep it under the rug & act like nothing has happened, lie to DHS, just to make this all go away & life can continue on as normal. Even if it means throwing their granddaughter under the bus, who is the victim, who went through a traumatic event, whose trust for her family member was used against her just so her cousin could get her rocks off, completely astounds me!! This could affect my daughter for the rest of her life, her sexuality, her innocence was taken away from her & this 15 year old snotty brat thinks she is going to get away with this?! No way in hell! I have been in contact with an attorney to see what I can do with DHS not getting back to me & about the cousin’s Facebook post as I’m very concerned that she could abuse someone else’s child. Through all of this, I’m constantly told I’m overreacting, calm down, get over it, quit talking about this, let it go, my mother in law is a good person & has no bad intentions, basically I’m the messed up one for bringing the egregious behavior to their attention! Which, I shouldn’t have to bring the inappropriateness of their behavior to their attention! Normal people would know not to do those sorts of things! It never ceases to amaze me the lengths these people will go to just to protect their image, to never have to face reality & deal with this situation. They want to continue living in fantasy land acting as if everything is just fine. Does anyone have any advice to offer on what I can do regarding the case with DHS? Legally, is there anything that can be done? I’m still waiting for the attorney to get back with me. Any sort of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

14. i can relate to your pain

15. those you mentioned just want your money, like everyone else.

16. Hello,
    Thank you for this article. I have gone no contact with my narc mother. So she tries to find a way to get information from my husband and daughter. My husband doesn’t answer her calls. ( I told my step-father to tell her to stop calling and she denies it). She calls my daughter and asks her to go out without my permission. I called her and confronted her about how she got drunk infront of my daughter and she was upset because they were calling her names on a vacation they took her. She also had sex with my stepfather while they were drunk in the same room as my daughter and denies it. She is sick in the head. So i yelled at her to leave us alone and she needs to apologize for what she did. She told me she did nothing wrong and she will never apologize. Also, she told me its not like your a good mother anyway.

17. Hello, Fellow Seeker of Light,

    You are the reason I wrote this blog. People like us can be impossible to reach because we’re so isolated. This is a safe place, but it is public. I screen all comments before posting them, and you do not have to use your real name to comment. There are also Facebook support groups you can join to connect with other women and help you feel less alone. There are millions of us out there, and I’m so glad you found your way here. Thank you for sharing this. It fuels my determination.

18. Is this a safe place to seek advice and be vulnerable about what I am going through in relation to this topic? I have never posted on any site or forum before, much less even opened up about the hell I am going through in my life. I have completely isolated myself from the world in a sense of what is really going on (due to the fact that society struggles with the idea that a mother can truly be a monster to her own child) and I’m left feeling completely alienated from the rest of the world. I ask that you forgive me if it seems like I am rambling. Reading these articles and comments and seeing that there are others who are dealing with a Narcissistic mother, and maybe I am not alone…. It is the first glimmer or ray of light that I have felt. I cried while reading some of the stuff written and shared. If this isn’t the right space for what I’m seeking and anyone has any information on where would be helpful please let me know. If that makes sense. Thank you, and thank you for putting this out there for those of us who needs to hear we are not alone.

19. TJ….I wish I was a fierce as you. I wish It wasnt my own mother. I allowed her to trigger destructive reactions out of me my whole life. She chose a man over me, threw me to the system at age 11. I was locked up 17 times for being out of control. The devils advocate. I didnt see it until the deep unrepairable damage was done. I was raised to think that we were better than anyone else. To think my mom was generous because she boasted and bragged about helping others and then she would put them down for not being like her, for not meeting her expectations. I was always spoiled with extra attention, or a pitch of an arrangement she offered me to “help me” as she claimed all she has ever done is help me, give me everything, and I treat her like shit, Im an ungreatful little B****, how dare me, I ruin everything, Leave it up to me to ruin family functions, gatherings, and she is so stressed out because of my bullshit, she is sick of me blaming her for everything, bla bla bla. My mom was my best friend growing up. I was raised that it was my job to meet her needs, I was controlled by guilt, shame, blame, love was bought, my feelings didnt matter, I was delusional, and the only one to blame for everything is me.

    When I was pregnate with my first child I was working at the cafe my mom managed and a customer lady comes in I was her server. The customer pulled me close, put her hand on mine and whispered “Becareful, that woman wants your baby” I thought the lady was crazy, my mom was my best friend….Or atleast anytime she was picking me back up from being kicked down or rebelling against her control and demand. When I was doing my best to prove my love and remorse for “disrespecting” her. My mom was going around telling all the customers about her new grandbaby to be expected. My mom always put me center stage, me and all my dirty laundry, exposed to all the regulars that knew me from age 11 to now at age 40. She ended up buying that cafe.
    Growing up I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 14. I turned to drugs and I faced many obsticles with the system as that was her go to anytime I didnt submit to her. I never realized how ugly gossiping about others was, I guess I just assumed that my mom was trying to teach me about what was right and wrong in life. She did instill alot of good things in me too, but most of them were either the bullshit she claimed to stand by that she never measured up to, or the example of what I didnt want to be like in life. For me the battle never ended. I have learned that it is easier to fool a person and near impossible to convince a person they have been fooled. When a person’s character assassinated, when a child grows up being gaslight, and raised by a manipulative person, when a child agrees to the negative labels stuck to them by ugly monsters, who do everything out of their own need to prove they are a good person on the outside, but are incapable of ever owning up to the ugly damage they caused. My mom critisized everything I did. If I would only listen to her and do what she wanted, if I only followed her dreams for me, id have everything. Everything she ever did for me was a tool to leverage over me, forever indebted to her. Anyone I knew was automatically rejected and frowned upon. My mom called cps on me 20 times after I had my first child. Every holiday she always had to do more than I did for my kids, she knew how to form a bond all right. I was too busy trying to keep up on supporting my child as a single parent, figuring out what i wanted in life, and thinking If I found a good man, I could be the perfect wife. My picker was broken. My mom has used false allegations against me and her personal leverage with the local authorities (that all eat free at her cafe & badges on her wall) to legally kidnap my first child. Growing up she never would participate in counseling with me and the two sessions I did get her to attend she walked out shaming me, invalidating me, and guilting me to shreds for calling her on the carpet. How dare me. My oldest daughter was adopted by my mother and my stepdad. My only sibling is 6 1/2 years younger than me. When I turned to drugs, I was very cold and numb but mostly it was due to being disgusted by the manipulative fake tears and ” how could I be so heartless” I always wanted to repair the damage. I wanted to make my mom proud. I guess for many years I believed I had to make it up to her for the way I treated her. My mom never spanked me, she never hit me until once when I was 26 but I hit my mom many times, nearly everytime she would be in my face telling me what a no good piece of shit I was and how I was putting the family through so much bullshit they didnt deserve and bla bla bla, or I was being forced to respect and obey a man she took care of that verbally abused her, demanded we call him sir, used to make sure I heard them having sex at night, and used to treat my mom like shit, while she worshiped the ground he walked on and blamed me for rejecting him according to her “i just didn’t want to see her happy and I would do anything to ruin her life” I also was the one that ran to stand up to him to protect her many times when we were woken in the middle of the night. I hated him. I gave him a black eye in high school when he put hands on my mom, I had to stay at my friends for a week because she didn’t want to trigger him by being embarrassed having to face me with a black eye I gave him. He never pushed me around when she was home, and My brother was too young to grow hate for the guy. All he seen was a sister who treated his mom bad, broke the rules, went to jail, and did drugs, and caused drama in the house. My mom always seemed to win my friends over, but just used them to gain information about me and turn them against me. Everyone always told me how lucky I was for all the things my mom did to me. When my mom took my oldest child in the middle of the night from my home when the sitter was asleep and I was woken by a call from my roomate at 1 am saying my child was missing I flipped I called the cops and when I realized my mom took my child, the cops escorted me to my moms to get my child but instead I was arrested for some bogus charges of inflicting corpal punishment on a child, it was dropped the next day, it was not true, but all they really wanted was to get me to submit to a drug test which came back negative. It broke me but I cleaned up. I did everything I was supposed to but the narrative created that I was up against was ugly and the public defender told me to do what ever the courts asked and my child would be home in 3 months. I did everything, but my child never returned. My mom continued to gas light me even when I was sober and when I tried to resolve the issues by bringing up all the things she has done to hurt me that I never deserved. I would get accused of being on drugs and I would get a visit from CPS. I ended up having a break down. My mom accused me of being on drugs I forced her to take me to the hospital and forced them to take a blood test I was 100% clean, Her calls to cps were breaking me and I ended up in a mental hospital on a 52/50 and forced on 3 different types of meds. Meds that made me lose control over my saliva. I got out and of course my mom offered me a job, one that she could take from me if I didnt do exactly what she said, that meant letting her publically humiliate me and submitting to her emotional abuse. I always took the bate. Having grown up with no emotional intelligence, and having a reactive personality, my reactions were my biggest downfall. As soon as I reacted to her attacks I lost all standing all credibility and I did exactly what she wanted me to do in order for her to become the victim and me the monster. I ended up going to prison and gave up on life for awhile. I thought things would be different when I got out but what I realized is that they would never be different. 2 weeks home and my mom was placing restrictions on me 28 years old off parole, company car, job and living with my my and step dad who had adopted my daughter. I had a bed time of 8 pm and if I was on the phone I was questioned on who I was talking to. My step dad critisized everything I did, No matter how hard I tried I was never doing enough. One morning I decided to tell my mom that I had made plans for that week to celebrate my boyfriends birthday with him. She blew up at me and told me I was stupid and putting a man before my kid..She started telling my daughter that i didnt love her and that if I did I would not be making plans to go with any man anywhere. I wanted to hit my mom so bad, but I knew that is what she wanted and needed to validate that I was a monster. I left instead. I ended up in a horrible domestic violence relationship where I nearly lost my life. I left him after 4 months, but I was pregnate with my second child. I moved 2 hours away with my father. I got my life together on my own. If my mom called me and I didnt answer she would freak out and start acccusing me of being up to no good. The cps calls didnt stop, but I was always cooperative, submitted clean test and the allegations would be dropped as inconclusive. I went to see my daughter every other week for 2 years. Finally my mom talked me into moving back to town. When I did everything went sour again. My mom had a way of smearing accusations that may have very well been the truth in my past all over me and putting me in PTSD defending myself or my parenting to my own family who would believe anything she said. I worked for her too, and it was always drama. She was used to ranting and raving at her employees and then buying their loyalty with gifts and monetary gain. She always had to make a person know their place below her. I have never seen her apologize to anyone. People respect her, or atleast she thinks they do, but they fear her and what they will face if they talk back. My younger brother went in to law enforcement he is now a detective. I love my brother. He is the golden child but I know that his position is no better than mine just another outlet of narcissistic supply. The worst feeling is putting my all into doing whatever I could to put my family first, trying to make up for the damage the endured due to the toxic relationship between my mom and I and believeing for the longest time that I was the problem and not believing I was worthy of love. My 2nd child at age 5 started telling me “mom we need to get more people on our side, grandma has too many” he has suffered the most. Where does a person such as me find more people to get on our side when I have a past that automatically classifies us as a high risk family, who has a historical track record for systemic conflict and not until recently this last year did I come to realization the stigma my kids face because of me having established no standing in life. I hate even talking about narcissistic abuse because It makes me feel just as guilty as my mom who blames me for things, while I blame her. Truth is that we were both wrong and we are both responsible for how we choose to respond or react to life and dysfunction. My son attempted suicide last year. I have over 6 years clean and I became very depressed about a year before his attempt while I found that although my whole life had changed I was still faced with the same stinking accusations and smear campaign and found myself questioning myself, defending myself and feeling as if I was guilty of the act accused even though I knew I wasnt. That is some real twisted shit. I knew our family dynamics were broken but i did not know how to fix them. My mom is connected to the community through her cafe and her huge gifts to the school district while raising my oldest child. My oldest child who got all the praise and my son because I was raising him was automatically stuck with my labels and used as a pawn torn inbetween a triangle my mother, my daughter, and I. Talk about suffering, and no father. The school also treated my son completely different than my daughter. My family is never involved unless there is a problem, that is usually caused by an interaction between my mom and I. My son would tell me the things my mom would interrogate him of and the lies she would feed him, and how she would cross boundaries I had politely asked support from her in respecting and then tell him not to tell me. When I would comfront her she would say he was lying or rephrase what she claimed to have said and accuse him of misunderstanding her, and then act like I was making a big deal over nothing. Then there would be the huge expensive gifts to try and make up for it. I started speaking my mind when she would vent about other people and I would stick up for others in our family when she would be gossipping about them. I seen how she worked in between everyones relationships to gain leverage and a dependancy on her from them. My son reported the reason why he attempted is because he was getting bullied at school ( with no standing the multiple attempts to inform the school and even suggest implimenting new programs to help the school culture were dismissed and ignored, for I have no standing) he needed a stronger family support system, and he was tired of argueing with his mom. My family didnt come closer together, instead they blamed me for his attempt and made up the most rediculous stories to try an discredit me when I was brutally honest about the struggles we were up against. My son is doing better, but the dynamics suck. I have put distance between myself and my family. My youngest child now 3 does not get the attention that my older two get. In fact my mom only stops by to bring gifts or asks to have her and flakes most the time, or blows my daughter off when she wants to see her, but I honestly dont mind My older daughter and I got close for a while but my mom found a way to get in the middle of that and when we were close my older daughter suffered the wrath and It hurts me to see her suffer. I know that we will have our time and it probably will be after my mom passes away and there is nobody there trying to play others against eachother and keep us from exchanging facts. I am stuck because my middle child my son has already established bonds with my mom and the family and I do not feel it is right for me to take that away from him. He suffers either way really and is just as torn as before his attempt as he is now. I have not worked in over a year as we have been in intense therapy. I validate my son and I am proud of his ability to like me own his own behaviors and I am doing my best to teach him that only an individual can decide what is true about themselves and that if he knows his truth that is all that matters. My younger one it is only a matter of time before she notices the split family dynamics and the roles everyone plays. I want more than anything to be liberated by my pain and to find my purpose to find a sense of belonging and to use my experiences to contribute to society, but it’s hard when I’m 40 and have dreams that are so big I should have started investing in my 20s and with all the wreckage I dont know how to illuminate my strengths without acknowledging my dirty laundry as I don’t want to present a false image, I know that my experiences are what makes me more qualified than those who have not suffered the levels of pain and loss, and being on both ends of abusive toxic relationships, along with historically high conflict within the system, that if only I knew who to share my ideas and my visions with I believe I could not only discover my big purpose in life and change the direction of my children’s future for the better by making connections that will increase our opportunities and sense of belonging but that could impact the lives of others by creating independent communal parent lead programs to raise the bar and defeat the threat of the most dangerous subtle weapon only few find a way to overcome…..The abuse of power and control over the narrative……How to counter act the false narratives that create stigma, prejudice interventions, and discrimination to vulnerable families that are harmed from broken dynamics and flawed systems when steak holders are not invested with an interest in the truth, but have built a system that thrives off integrating with partners to keep the narrative alive, manufacturing and profiting off of others pain and suffering. Social studies on subjects who have fallen victim to the mercy of the merciless.

20. Hi Christy,

    Wishing you all the best, and I hope you’re able to help your son navigate through all this too. Thank you for sharing this.

21. I just recently discovered through therapy that I have been miserable the last 18 yrs because I married into a whole family of narcissists. And just today I remembered something sick my in-laws used to try to do when my son was a toddler. Every time we would leave or my in-laws would leave, they would try to make my son cry. They would say, “oh, sweetheart, don’t cry!” When he wasn’t even close to crying??? He wasn’t even emotional at all about them leaving, but they were trying to instill in his mind that he should be crying when they left. But I thwarted that b.s.!! And now knowing they just wanted him to cry to get their narcissistic supply?? I am so glad I trusted my instincts & convinced my husband to move FAR away from them. But I have since been stuck with him & his milder but still very damaging narcissism. Currently trying to figure out how to get out of this marriage. Thank you so much for sharing so that others like me can learn and save our families, too! ❤️

22. Thank you so much for this response and for your blog. The dominant narrative around estranged grandparents is so one sided and your voice brings validation and a sense of being not alone in this. THANK YOU.

23. Hi Scared Mama,

    This is a terrible, terrible situation happening in society right now, and it’s not easy. I’m going to refer you to Rebecca Zung, Melanie Tonia Evans, and Angela J Storm on YouTube. There are many videos from these ladies to help you fight in court. I don’t mean this as insensitive in any way, but it’s a game. You can educate yourself, and they can help you understand how this game is played in court with narcissists. I’ll be thinking of you and sending strength.

24. What do you do when they take you to court for grandparent visitation? I cut contact for ALL of these reasons and more and now I’m being bankrupted by the family court system which believes that children are best off with their grandparents. I was naive in letting her have a relationship with her before – that set the standard for the court judgement. She’s turning my daughter against me and deliberately trying to break our relationship so that she can replace me. I’m desperate to protect my child but there seem to be cultural blinders on when it comes to grandparents. As if all of a sudden you reach a certain age and no longer have a personality disorder. I’m being made to look vindictive and cruel (it’s elder abuse!) when all I want to do is protect my young child. How do you come out on top of something like this? It’s devastating emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, even physically. How can we turn the tide on cult of idealized grandparents?

25. Dear “scared to post my name”
    1A) set up STRONG boundaries
    1B) she’ll disregard them
    1C) use this to enforce a long stretch of time between visits
    1D) after one more visit extend the time between visits by double
    1E) eventually achieving no visits for a year
    2) please work hard to lose all your fear. It’s so empowering to have no more fear at all of anything she might do or say. Lose all your fear. Heal up inside. Yes your narc mom will do everything she can to punish you. Maybe she’ll smear you, or disown you – let her. Hold your boundaries no matter what. Her punishing you just makes her look really bad, and justifies you not having her in your life.
    3) eventually give yourself permission to lose all your anxiety around the topic of your mother, achieving a neutral boredom on the topic. Yes it’s possible to achieve this, and very freeing.
    To conclude, set strong boundaries – and if you’re not sure how to do that consider seeing a therapist for pointers. Then disentangle your narc mom from your family fold.
    Two never things:
    1)Never agree to let your narc parent see your child – if they are not speaking to YOU – don’t let them practice ‘divide and conquer’ under your roof
    2) Never let a friend/therapist/anyone tell you that going no contact with a narc parent is not ‘the right thing to do’ or not ‘necessary’ – don’t let others shame your choice. Rest assured many many adult childs of narc parents have tried many other things and then come to the life-saving and sanity-saving conclusion that going no-contact is the only conclusion.
    Wishing you invincibility and healing

26. Hi,

    I remember when this happened to me. It permanently changed my entire life because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Thank you for sharing this, and know I’m thinking of you and sending strength.

27. I just had an awakening after I witnessed my mom be cruel to my daughter. The blinders were off after that. It’s been a very revealing time since then as my entire family turned against me after my mom told her version of the events. My father can be very cruel at times as well. I cannot yet reconcile the good parts of them or the nice and seemingly selfless things they’ve done in my life. I fear it’s denial or bargaining on my part as I may not yet be ready to accept it. I fear for what they may do to me if I cut off contact with my daughter. They want to still see and talk to her even though they aren’t communicating with me.

28. I spoke with my covert narc mother on speaker phone ( a really good speaker phone, she didn’t know she was on speaker. )My now, husband, then fiance at the time heard how she really spoke to me when she thought no ones was around. He couldn’t believe her! He finally understood, and knew I wasnt exaggerating. I think people who grow up with a healthy loving mother can’t even fathom or wrap their heads around a mother who would do awful things we describe, so when they hear the stories from us, it’s unbelievable and it just sounds like maybe we’re exaggerating or something. That day my husband learned I was not exaggerating and she was a horrible monster and he never liked her again.
    Thankfully due to an article much like this one, shortly after I had my 1st child I went no contact with her and all her flying monkeys ( family). I would say if you have an opportunity, record your conversations with her. Record her being a Narc. Or……. better yet the best decision I ever made going No contact. 8 years later. Not a single word.
    Love and healing to everyone hurt by Narcissistic people.

29. My grandparents both narcissists. Grandfather a police man who beat my father and his sister. Grandmother a teacher ‘helping others’ and was always sweet sweet sweet. She allowed my grandfather to sexually abuse me when I was around 6 where I developed a plethora of learning disabilities, health issues and weight gain without any understanding that this was not normal. My grandmother was fully aware. She would help my brother with homework, gifts, activities and lied about his accomplishments with pseudo pride and treated me like I was bad. I rarely even got a happy birthday from her after the age of 8 or 9. Anything she ever did for me was a performance, any ‘quality time’ spent with her was a check up to make sure I wasn’t doing too well at life. I just did not understand WHY? My father was a narcissist too and as I reached my teens he would physically, financially, mentally but SPORADICALLY abuse us, just enough to stay in the ring. My mother is clinically insane with clear signs of narcissism, she is currently in a mental institution. This is only a fraction of what I was drowning in as a child. My mother would cripple my self esteem and pour wine and cigarettes on me when she was drunk and sad. She would say all of the things you can imagine… and even when you know they aren’t true, it still penetrates. From the outside we were always on vacation, lovely car, welcome to do grandparents… I find it hard to swallow that nobody suspected a thing??
    Fast forward to today, my father died of drug and alcohol poisoning. I don’t speak to my mother because it’s a Venus fly trap. My grandmother has turned my whole family against me spectacularly whereby I have no voice. She is slowly stealing all of my inheritance away and I have no lines of communication with my relatives, that is not an accident. I have suffered and healed alone, and it’s a lonely place to be when you are unfairly kept apart from siblings who you love and want to protect and shield from what I know. It kills me to be thrown by the waste side with my arms tied with nothing to do but watch this continue. It is a heavy cross to bear and often humiliating when the ones who were supposed to love and care for you simply do not… no matter what you do, achieve, overcome or create. The hardest part about manipulation is the malignant optimism and holding on to those doses of good they used too keep you tame. Fantasizing about who you think someone could be is a dangerous and potentially life long sentence. Stay in tune with your gut and the universe…. <3 and strength to you all and Happy Easter!

30. Hi Stefanie,

    Every time I read something new on narcissistic abuse I do the same thing. I’m like, yep, that’s why. Thank you for commenting.

31. Thank you for this article! I broke contact with my narcissistic mother before my children were born, but every now and then I wonder what the right choice is. This article helps me see that I did make the right choice. So thank you!

32. Hi Disha,

    This sounds like the textbook behavior of a covert narcissistic person. My mother is very much like this. Unfortunately, they don’t get better, ever. It’s like they’re stuck this way for life and there’s nothing you can do to change her. We do all the changing and growing and they stay exactly the same. The best you can do is educate yourself about the condition so you can protect yourself from it. I’ve always been the bad one and both my children too, you guys are not alone so stick together. Thank you for sharing this because it’s exactly what it feels like.

33. My mom, my little sibling and I have been dealing with my grandmother for years and thought that someday she will get better because we can’t do anything else. We have been trying to explain my dad but he just doesn’t believe us because of my grandma playing tricks. She talks to us so sweetly in front of my dad but taunts us when is not at home. She mocks and laughs us whenever she gets and opportunity and my dad would explain us that she was just playfully teasing us. Then our relatives will give unwanted advices when them come to our place because no one can see the true picture of my grandma. They say “you should spend more time with your grandma and not let her feel lonely” but who knows that she is least interested in talking to her grandchildren and more interested in gossiping with relatives on phone and trying to get their sympathy. My mom has suffered her behavior for 20 years and I can’t let anyone suffer because of her. Everyone thinks that we are the bad ones and we don’t treat her well. She plays a role of a kindhearted mother and grandmother in front of others but she doesn’t care a bit about my dad and us. She only care about a her daughter who just got married this year. My dad has become a puppet of her hands who would never understand his mother’s true self. I wish I could do something.

34. Hi David,

    Very good advice thank you for adding this.

35. Such a great article. Thank YOU

    My narcissistic mother became an even darker narc grandmother. Three lessons learned:

    1) forget your narc mother changing. She will HATE and HURT and HOWL as a narc grandmother till the day she goes.

    2) separating your children from their narc grandmother is the BEST thing you can do. If you give your narc mother an inch she will find a mile to turn your children against you, to sow division, to hurt.

    3) YOU CAN SURVIVE!

    Good luck to everyone facing this challenge.

    PS: to narc grandmothers behaving so wickedly, shame on ya’. So unnecessary.

36. Hi TJ,

    I want you to know I think you’re incredible! You’ve taken on something most women wouldn’t be able to handle or overcome. Thank you for sharing your message, it was fabulous to read. This is a huge win and you have changed the course of all future generations from that bloodline. Very inspiring, and because of that, I’m sure you are her monster. Love it.

37. The cost of the battle with a narcissist is my current reality in life. Trauma has given me this off switch for my emotions. I cannot remember how to turn them on again at will, but in times of need, I find them. I am so jaded at this point.

    Yep… she hates me. Ok.. I am a monster… Fine… I make all the choices she hates… Yep… I am unappreciative and totally unreasonable. Sure… I do everything wrong, and I am a total idiot… Whatever…

    She is still not taking over my household. She is still not controlling my kids. She is not grooming my husband (her son). No she cannot decide our lives for us. No her jealousy does not change a thing. No, playing sick does not change my mind. No, you cannot make my child sick, screw off. No, he cannot eat that. No thanks, we will eat at home.. Yep, I dress my kids badly, and you are the only source of information. I still won’t listen.. Oh, you changed the game? I opted out of the activity. You bought the kids expensive toys? Neat! Thanks! Sorry, I don’t do strings attached. I snipped them.

    No I don’t feel guilty. No I won’t be ashamed. No I refuse to be gaslighted, projected on, or manipulated. No is still no, it will always be no, and did I mention, I said no?

    So what if you helped? Do you want a trophy? I am fresh out.

    You paid for a lavish dinner? Neat! Thanks! I am still on to you, and no my son won’t turn against me. I am his Mommy and I am steadfast as a rock. He may challenge you too though. He knows right from wrong and won’t play your games either.

    That little girl? No she really is uninterested in you. She smells your bull a mile away, and the thought of going to your house gives her nightmares. She has more sense at 3 years old than most kids. I didn’t have to teach her. She is intelligent and I encourage good discernment. Don’t worry, she will mature past you in a few years and then her logic and reasoning will be superior to yours. Then I will let her tell you how it is. She has piss and vinegar, and already knows how to throw a truth bomb. You have been forewarned: she won’t kiss your booty either.

    You don’t like my life? Cool. I do. You think I need you to improve it? No thanks. I will side step that tornado of destruction. I saw what you did to your other kid. No thanks… I set this one free from you, and I am good. You want to take credit for what I do? Neato… I don’t need accolades. My proof is in the pudding, and my actions and results speak for themselves. Thanks anyway.

    Oh I am imperfect? Thanks for noticing. So are you by the way… I think I left a mirror around here somewhere… would you like me to find it for you? I think you got a little something on… your entire soul…

    You want me to trust you, lean on you, rely on you? No thank you. I prefer not to shoot myself in the foot. I have a motto: do nothing that makes me think less of myself. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, but if your husband is around, I trust him to watch my kids for a few hours. He is the reason my husband is a good man. My kids can rely on him, and they have good judgement. Wonder why they run to Papaw and you are ignored? They smell your bull from a mile away and it stinks!

    You want to undermine my authority? Good luck! I know where those kids sleep! They go home with me. They won’t trade insulting me for your cheap praise nor expensive gifts. I am Mommy. In my house that means many things, at the top of that list is respect and I earned it with years of reliable dedication and love. You cannot touch that bond so pound dirt.

    After a while her tantrums and propensity for drama become a dull whine somewhere in the back forty of my mind as I ignore her latest soap opera of drama and intrigue. Oh you want to pick my kids up from school without asking me? No thanks. Try it, and I will remove you from the pick up list. Pitching a fit? Neato… We don’t tolerate abuse of boundaries around here. You want to act all offended. Good. It means I won. You lost. Pound dirt.

    The only way to stay sane is to turn off the emotions and remind yourself of your true power. She has none, you have it all. Surrender none of it, and feel nothing towards her. Save your feelings for people who deserve them, and won’t abuse them.

    I passively dance through the minefields and side step all the abuse. Why? I won. I took her son from her and changed his life, and I said no every time she tried to bait me into her games.

    The people that know me know the truth: I am good, loveable, kind, empathic, self controlled, and self disciplined. I walk in my authority and do not need delusions of grandeur. I practice what I preach and make this world a better place by being in it. I stand up for people who can’t and spend my time teaching children with autism to speak. Before that I taught kids with special needs. Yep. Monster material here…

    Know who you are. Know what you believe, and become unmoveable. Then the narcissist loses all their power.

    Oh it hurts, but it is the only way to overcome.

38. Hi,

    Is sounds like your MIL has a few wires crossed in her head for sure. I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing, and that is breastfeeding and strengthening the bond with your new baby. I’m sure she is fiercely jealous and will try and interfere as much as possible. Set your boundaries, trust your instincts, and your intuition. My advice, be incredibly selfish and protective of your baby, so much so that there’s very little room or need for her to be involved with your baby. Focus on that and completely ignore her. If you don’t let her know she’s getting to you, she’ll get bored and have to find supply from someone else. There are other tips and tricks to dealing with a narcissistic mother, so keep educating yourself and use them all. It’s a game, and you can’t win if you don’t know the rules of how a narcissistic mind operates.

39. My MIL seems to get involved and “help” in all the wrong ways. My husband and I have been living with his parents awhile, which has been an issue with my MIL for most of that time, until I got pregnant. She would come up with some awful things about me that weren’t even true or provable (that I lie, that I’m a drug addict, that I expect everyone to kiss my feet, that I don’t love my husband, that I’m not commited to him and didn’t care if my husband died, the last 2 FIL said too) which the fatheI could go on). They basically said I was using them all and just waiting for them to die so I could get their stupid house.. We’re still living with them unfortunately and we have a baby now, which is why I’m commenting. She has a tendency to get overly involved sometimes. She will often times hear him crying from the other room or notice he’s crying and try to take him from me, often times into another room. even if I say hes hungry (he’s breastfed and I don’t pump). If I say he is tired she will talk the entire time she’s holding him and make him cry even more. She doesn’t respect our wishes for washing her hands after she’s smoked and she will lie and say she’s washed her hands after, nevermind it being on het face and breath, she’s interuppted me trying to put him to sleep so she can size up what ever she is making for him and get pictures of him in what ever she has made, she acts like she has a say in his medical anything.. She is just overbearing and acts like she helps with him so much. I’ve had to track her down to find where she’s taken him while he’s obviously hungry. And when I say I’m tired she mentions how little help her and her husband has had with their son and I know it’s a lie because I know he had 2 uncle’s there all the time and it’s not like her son is much help and she enables it by taking him when I leave the baby with their dad. I know the answer is to move out and I need to develop a back bone in the mean time I guess I’m just commenting because I need to talk about it in a way that is doesn’t get back to her. Which she spends so much time online I wouldn’t be surprised if it does..

40. Allison,

    This is exactly what a narcissistic mother and grandmother does. It’s not your fault, you are not to blame, and she is an extremely mentally ill person. This is textbook behavior and she is awful. Don’t give up, keep educating yourself, and find support outside of her reach to build you up. You’ve been gaslighted and triangulated and I think it’s crucial for you to get her out of your life at all costs so you have time to heal. I couldn’t stand to hear anyone mention my mother’s name for almost a year after going no contact, and the thought of seeing or talking to her would send me into a tailspin. This will get easier but you’re raw and hurt and need to put yourself first. Do what is best for you and to hell with everyone else.

41. I was adopted because my mother could not have children. This story is hard to tell because I’m just figuring this out. I had a pretty good childhood. At least I thought.
    But there a lot of little things just not adding up for me now.
    Certain things my mother did were unexcusable looking back now.
    I had an abortion at 15 and my mother told my grand mother the day before it my grandmother rang me and screamed at me that I was a murderer.this Distroyed me.
    But when it really all started was when I had children .
    I was 17 turning 18 when I had my first son. I had been engaged and gone overseas for 4 weeks to visit my parents were they had moved returned to be married but he was gone I saw his dad the last time when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, the baby was born I rang the father’s sister and parents time and time again telling them the baby was born and to tell the father. The father had taken up with another woman and they moved to the other side of the country.
    I waited 6 weeks he never showed they never showed so I had no other choice then to fly to the country where my brother and parents had moved to .
    I was devastated over the first few months I thought my mother was helping me looking back I only had that child when I was breast feeding she had him all the rest of the time.
    Without my knowledge of what was happening to young to knew at mothering . One day when he was around 6 weeks old we were in a fight over something cannot remember what excatly she screamed a t me what are you doing with my child.
    I told her right then and their it was not her child.
    Anyway years and years went on she took over but I moved out with my son but still from a distance she controlled the situation ( I know this now.
    Any way what I only just found out behind my back every time she went home she was visiting my son’s family and dad. Taking notes of all of his family sending the father who abandoned us photos of my son.
    Throughout his life
    I got real sick last year and found this out.
    My son returned to the country with his wife and child spent 2 weeks with his dad no one had told me about this contact.
    Anyway to make a long story short I was blamed for stealing him from his dad and my mother had told him to never contact us .
    So as it has ended up she has contact I have none, she sees her great grand children and his brothers and uncle to but I’ve been replaced .
    His children call his dad and his wife there grandparents his children don’t even see me.
    My mother will not admit to anything even though I have evidence
    I’m broken hearted but need to know is this mother of mine a narrsisit she has undermined me for years and all the other things you have pointed out everyone just says I’m crazy.angry visious that’s what she says when we have to be ongoing of each other I stated I did not want to have any contact with her nut she keeps showing up or calling and I lose it

42. I’m so grateful to hear you’re fighting for this young girl. All she needs in one person to believe in her and she’ll be okay. The grandmother will do the same thing she’s done to her own daughter, addiction was her only escape and I hope she finds a way to be sober again. Thank you for sharing, every one of us wishes we had someone like you, and I know it can’t be easy.

43. My husbands ex mother in law is highly narcissistic and has been manipulating and guilting his daughter. Her mother has an addiction issue and has not been very present. The grandmother has called the children’s aid and the police on us multiple times with no truth behind the reports made and has ultimately harassed us through the authorities. Nothing has been done as we do not know the mothers address, and the courts have been unable to assist us in any way. We now have a lawyer and based on the last call to children’s aid and police we are going to do our best to keep his daughter safe from her.

44. Hi April,

    It’s good to hear you’re still succeeding in life and pushing through. I want to add I also work with sons of narcissists. Many of them have pretty serious narcissistic behaviors and they are my most challenging clients. Sometimes progress is very slow and I don’t have any under the age of forty because that’s how long it takes for them to connect everything. I always hold out hope that everyone can get their babies back and healthy and that’s my wish for you too. Thank you for sharing your story.

45. I always knew there was something not right about my mother. She had me when she was 15. My grandmother and great grandmother raised me until my father stepped in. I suffered abuse from both sides of my family. My mom and step mother were both narcissists. I was married twice and they were both narcissists. I had asked my mom if I could stay with her, when I was going through my divorces. Her excuse was always “I figured it out on my own, so can you”. She was actually full of crap because that women always had backup from my grandmother’s. My boys ended up living with their father because I had no where to go. She would bad mouth me to other family members to make sure that I had no one. I have tried to have a relationship with her but it would always end with me cutting her out of my life. I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart and he happens to be disabled. She would constantly put in my head that I would end up resenting my husband for his disability. I was raped by a family member as a child and she tried to make me sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. She would tell me to have abortions every time I got pregnant (my pregnancies were always planned). It has taken me years to realize that this woman is the epitome of evil. I had been debating on going no contact for the past year. I was in nursing school and I didn’t want to deal with the drama. So, I waited until after I graduated. She immediately tried to turn my oldest son against me. It’s kind of funny because she had zero to do with any of my children. My oldest son suffers from substance abuse and is angry at the world. My mother is also a drunk on top of being a narcissist. Unfortunately, my oldest son is also a narcissist. I had to go no contact with both of them. I am going through the motions right now. Why didn’t I see these behaviors sooner? Why didn’t my mom just give me up for adoption? I am mourning the fact that I never had a mother who truly loved me. I am angry and hurt. I can never go back. Every time I let her back in my life, the abuse gets worse. I made a promise to myself that I will stop this vicious cycle. I will be the best mom I can be to my other two sons. I don’t know what the future holds for my eldest son. He was married and horribly abusive to his wife. She ended up filing for divorce. Of course, he blamed me for his divorce. It’s easy to point fingers and blame others when you’re a narcissist. I am taking things one day at a time. I am about to start a new job as an RN. It set my mom on fire when I graduated nursing school. She never believed I could. So, I did. Despite all the drama, I graduated. I made a promise to myself that I will love. I will fight hard to stop the vicious cycle. I will be an amazing grandmother to my grandchildren. I will also take time to love myself.

46. Hi Shannon,

    Wow, just step right up whydontcha. Since you asked, here’s what I see in those two sentences you wrote. The fact you’re asking this question tells me you are self-aware, and you can’t change something if you’re not aware of it. If you don’t like something about yourself and you know what it is you can change it.

    The difference between a narcissistic grandmother and a fantastic grandmother is one, boundaries, and two, motive. One understands boundaries and doesn’t try to control everything. The other violates boundaries as a rule and tries to control everything using fear and intimidation.

    It’s also possible you’re over-analyzing because it is my opinion that a narcissistic person would never put those two sentences together. I officially give you the award for the bravest comment of the week!

47. If u see some of these things in yourself hoe can you change. If we admit to ourselves we do these things sometimes how can we fix ourselves .

48. I’m sorry to hear that, it’s a crime against humanity, literally.

49. This is all very true. I’m dealing with parental alienation because of a covert narcissist. I was coerced into signing an adoption consent form by my daughter’s paternal grandmother. Guess who my daughter lives with now, yep, her dad 5 hours away from me.

50. Hi CU,
    I do the same with my adult kids because I don’t want them to think it’s okay for someone to treat them like that. I want to protect the next generation (grandbabies, yay!), it’s the best thing we can do to stop the cycle. Thank you for sharing this, I know how hard it is. Better me than mine. I don’t want them to suffer like I did.

51. My mother fit all these senerios and I keep my kids from her. (They are grown now) I still suffer the effects of my mother making me her little slave, crtizing everything I did. She even dressed me as a boy when I was a little girl. She pits people against each other so she can look like the good person. Her way is the only right way. I stay away as much as I can but she is elderly now and there is some interaction. I always leave her feeling angry and violated. I want to shake her but I have to remember she in incapable of maternial of love and incapable of seeing things from another perepective.

52. Hi Danielle,
    They are everywhere and it’s very possible you’re the only sane one in the room so be careful and watch your back. When the walls are closing in I remind myself that I will fight this madness to my last breath and they can never win as long as you’re alive and standing in the way. Sometimes you have to play their game and manipulate them, I think you understand what I’m saying. No quit, no mercy, and do whatever it takes to protect your child. Educate yourself as much as possible and take care of yourself internally. Strength comes from within. When my children became adults I wasn’t alone anymore but I had to let them grow up first. You’ll probably lose a few battles but this is war.

53. My goodness!!! So true!!! I need prayer above anything else. I am surrounded by narcissism on every side. My parents, my siblings, my child’s father, the pastor of the church I feel like I’m in a world alone fighting for my child’s rights. It’s a scary place when you’re alone, and it’s hard to explain and prove these things to be true. I’m in constant arguments and debates with everyone, now involved in a court case trying to avoid too much contact for my child’s sake, and it just seems my walls are closing in. Not to mention past boyfriends. Everything written is dead on!

54. I cried like a child for 3 weeks when I figured it out, I had to read the information about seven times before it actually kicked in. You are doing an amazing job, writing is the best way to heal. It’s as though, through the medium of writing; we are finally able to validate our own feelings. It helps us resolve the fact that our mothers are the monsters…

55. Hi Nicole,
    So true, it destroys people’s lives for generations and no one can see it. When you do see it’s one of the worse truths to accept.

    Thank you for letting me know this is reaching the right people and the only kind of people who understand.

56. My mother has custody of my daughter. I recently asked her if she would think about letting my daughter live with me and I opened up, the proverbial can of worms; which is how I found out that my mother, is narcissistic.

    Every word you’ve said here resonates with my story. My husband asked me if I had a different profile. he was amazed to see that it is I who is following you, and I am glad that I got to read it.

    Narcissism is no joke, there’s no way the world can avoid it’s existence. It’s truly that devastating, it’s a vicious cycle of heartbreak, violence and despair.

    Once you have seen, it cannot be unseen…