When your the daughter of a narcissistic mother as soon as you have children (without realizing it), you’ve created a new kind of monster, the narcissistic grandmother.
I had a wonderful grandma, and I loved everything about her. She loved me more than my own mother ever could. I thought my mother would love her grandchildren the same way, but my children didn’t get the same kind of grandma I had.
A narcissistic mother continues to abuse her children all through adulthood and into the next generation unless or until we make it stop.
I didn’t care what that woman did to me, but when she came after my kids, I had no choice but to end the relationship. Not only has your mother tortured you your whole life, but now she has every intention of doing it to the next generation too.
Most parents learn from their mistakes and try to be the greatest grandparent of all time.
Narcissistic grandmothers have a much more sinister plan in mind.
These mothers are not capable of loving their grandchildren anymore than their own children. They have learned nothing from past mistakes or behaviors and will do everything in their power to undermine and destroy your relationship with your child.
They don’t understand love. They don’t care how much they emotionally damage their grandchildren. Why would they?
They never cared about their own children, and they see your children as leverage to hurt you.
She only sees them as tools to be used, manipulated, and controlled.
If the narcissistic grandma has the opportunity to turn her grandchildren against their mother, she’ll do it.
Normal loving grandmas would do everything in their power to strengthen the bonds between mother and child because they know how important it is for a child’s growth and development. Only a sick and disturbed person would do the opposite.
They don’t care about what’s best for your child.
They only care about what makes them feel more important, and if at the expense of your child’s wellbeing, a narcissistic grandmother is okay with that. She doesn’t see your child as a living, breathing little human being. There is no compassion or empathy, and she’ll do to them exactly what she’s done to you.
Narcissistic grandmothers usually go one of two ways.
She will either completely ignore you and your children, or she’ll try to enmesh herself in your life in the most suffocating ways. Either way, she will never be supportive in any way.
A narcissistic grandmother will ignore you because deep down, she isn’t capable of caring:
- She’ll never offer to help if you are sick or injured.
- She won’t offer to take the kids for the weekend.
- She’ll intentionally forget birthdays.
- She won’t call to say ‘hi, how are you’ or ‘what can I do to help?’
- If your children are very little, they may not have any idea who the strange woman is.
This option is the best, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You want your children to have a loving grandmother, every child deserves to have loving grandparents to spoil them.
But a narcissistic parent?
They don’t even know how to be that kind of grandparent.
A narcissistic grandparent is not anything a child deserves or should have to endure.
They are not capable of giving love to their grandchildren and will only use them to cause problems that would otherwise not exist.
I know how much a good mother loves her children, and you think this comes as naturally to everyone else as it does to you. Under normal circumstances, you would be absolutely right.
In this case, their absence is a blessing in disguise and is absolutely in your child’s best interest. The second option is much much worse.
A narcissistic grandmother will try to turn your children against you.
This is called grandparent grooming. When a grandparent exhibits behaviors causing a child to lose trust in their parent, that’s abuse.
Can you imagine anything so horrifying?
Having your own mother do everything in her power to destroy the family you made.
- She will undermine your authority in front of your children.
- She will attack you in front of your children.
- If your child doesn’t behave the way she wants them to, she’ll turn it into a nightmare for you and your child.
- If you have more than one child, she’ll choose a favorite and a bad one and pit them against each other.
- If you don’t allow her access to her grandchildren, she’ll call the cops, CPS, the paster, and tell anyone who will listen what a terrible mother you are.
- It’s a known tactic of narcissistic grandmothers to try and take custody of their grandchildren just to hurt their adult child.
- She will go to any length to destroy your success as a mother so she can feel superior.
You don’t know what you’re up against. This is a ragingly jealous woman who knows deep down she isn’t a good mother, and she will hate you for loving your children. She will despise you for being a good mother.
You’re probably thinking ‘this is sick’ and you’d be right.
It is sick. And disturbing. And above all else, it makes no sense.
It serves no purpose other than to make your narcissistic mother feel better about herself. She’ll do all of this for such a meaningless and empty result.
I can’t quite grasp it. I can’t wrap my head around it, and believe me, I’m trying, but it’s so unbelievable and unexplainable I can’t comprehend it. My brain can’t go there or even imagine it.
A narcissist can’t get any pleasure from happiness.
Seeing someone fail and feel terrible about themselves is the only way they get supply. It’s the only way they have to make themselves feel better. The only purpose a narcissist has in life is to cause pain and suffering to others.
There is no more to it.
This is the place where my brain just stops and has no answers and no solutions other than no contact.
You are not a bad parent for protecting your children from toxic people, no matter who they are.
There is some guilt associated with cutting off a toxic grandparent.
However, the guilt will be a thousand times worse if you allow it to continue. Many women have lost their children before they even realized what was happening, and it’s one of the deepest kinds of pain.
If the narcissistic grandparent succeeds in manipulating their grandchildren, it’s a new level of pain and despair for everyone involved.
The rules of society don’t apply to you and your situation.
When dealing with a narcissistic mother or father, you’re not playing the same game of life as everyone else.
Society tells you:
- You only have one mother.
- You’re adults, and you can work this out.
- Family is everything.
- Your mother loves you.
- She’s only trying to do what’s best for you.
None of these things are true for the child of a narcissist.
As a matter of fact, these are the worst things to say to someone trapped in a narcissistic family.
In my generation, no one saw the narcissistically abused child.
Today we are in the millions.
It’s possible narcissists are created by their parents, and we don’t want our future generations to suffer.
You are your child’s only protection, and you are the only one who can stop this abuse from happening because it’s invisible to everyone else. Not everyone can go no contact when the narcissist is a family member, and there are a few alternatives to help you handle their behavior.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
(RTT) Rapid Transformational Therapy and Uncompromised Life with Marisa Peer is a lifeline for you. A personal session with an RTT Practitioner is like ten years of traditional therapy in an hour and a half. You can check out my homepage for more information and sign up for a session.
Another at-home option for depression, PTSD, or C-PTSD you can connect with a professional therapist online.
Try Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.