When your the daughter of a narcissistic mother as soon as you have children (without realizing it), you’ve created a new kind of monster, the narcissistic grandmother.
I had a wonderful grandma, and I loved everything about her. She loved me more than my own mother ever could. I thought my mother would love her grandchildren the same way, but my children didn’t get the same kind of grandma I had.
A narcissistic mother continues to abuse her children all through adulthood and into the next generation unless or until we make it stop.
I didn’t care what that woman did to me, but when she came after my kids, I had no choice but to end the relationship. Not only has your mother tortured you your whole life, but now she has every intention of doing it to the next generation too.
Most parents learn from their mistakes and try to be the greatest grandparent of all time.
Narcissistic grandmothers have a much more sinister plan in mind.
These mothers are not capable of loving their grandchildren anymore than their own children. They have learned nothing from past mistakes or behaviors and will do everything in their power to undermine and destroy your relationship with your child.
They don’t understand love. They don’t care how much they emotionally damage their grandchildren. Why would they?
They never cared about their own children, and they see your children as leverage to hurt you.
She only sees them as tools to be used, manipulated, and controlled.
If the narcissistic grandma has the opportunity to turn her grandchildren against their mother, she’ll do it.
Normal loving grandmas would do everything in their power to strengthen the bonds between mother and child because they know how important it is for a child’s growth and development. Only a sick and disturbed person would do the opposite.
They don’t care about what’s best for your child.
They only care about what makes them feel more important, and if at the expense of your child’s wellbeing, a narcissistic grandmother is okay with that. She doesn’t see your child as a living, breathing little human being. There is no compassion or empathy, and she’ll do to them exactly what she’s done to you.
Narcissistic grandmothers usually go one of two ways.
She will either completely ignore you and your children, or she’ll try to enmesh herself in your life in the most suffocating ways. Either way, she will never be supportive in any way.
A narcissistic grandmother will ignore you because deep down, she isn’t capable of caring:
- She’ll never offer to help if you are sick or injured.
- She won’t offer to take the kids for the weekend.
- She’ll intentionally forget birthdays.
- She won’t call to say ‘hi, how are you’ or ‘what can I do to help?’
- If your children are very little, they may not have any idea who the strange woman is.
This option is the best, even though it doesn’t feel like it. You want your children to have a loving grandmother, every child deserves to have loving grandparents to spoil them.
But a narcissistic parent?
They don’t even know how to be that kind of grandparent.
A narcissistic grandparent is not anything a child deserves or should have to endure.
They are not capable of giving love to their grandchildren and will only use them to cause problems that would otherwise not exist.
I know how much a good mother loves her children, and you think this comes as naturally to everyone else as it does to you. Under normal circumstances, you would be absolutely right.
In this case, their absence is a blessing in disguise and is absolutely in your child’s best interest. The second option is much much worse.
A narcissistic grandmother will try to turn your children against you.
This is called grandparent grooming. When a grandparent exhibits behaviors causing a child to lose trust in their parent, that’s abuse.
Can you imagine anything so horrifying?
Having your own mother do everything in her power to destroy the family you made.
- She will undermine your authority in front of your children.
- She will attack you in front of your children.
- If your child doesn’t behave the way she wants them to, she’ll turn it into a nightmare for you and your child.
- If you have more than one child, she’ll choose a favorite and a bad one and pit them against each other.
- If you don’t allow her access to her grandchildren, she’ll call the cops, CPS, the paster, and tell anyone who will listen what a terrible mother you are.
- It’s a known tactic of narcissistic grandmothers to try and take custody of their grandchildren just to hurt their adult child.
- She will go to any length to destroy your success as a mother so she can feel superior.
You don’t know what you’re up against. This is a ragingly jealous woman who knows deep down she isn’t a good mother, and she will hate you for loving your children. She will despise you for being a good mother.
You’re probably thinking ‘this is sick’ and you’d be right.
It is sick. And disturbing. And above all else, it makes no sense.
It serves no purpose other than to make your narcissistic mother feel better about herself. She’ll do all of this for such a meaningless and empty result.
I can’t quite grasp it. I can’t wrap my head around it, and believe me, I’m trying, but it’s so unbelievable and unexplainable I can’t comprehend it. My brain can’t go there or even imagine it.
A narcissist can’t get any pleasure from happiness.
Seeing someone fail and feel terrible about themselves is the only way they get supply. It’s the only way they have to make themselves feel better. The only purpose a narcissist has in life is to cause pain and suffering to others.
That’s it.
There is no more to it.
This is the place where my brain just stops and has no answers and no solutions other than no contact.
You are not a bad parent for protecting your children from toxic people, no matter who they are.
There is some guilt associated with cutting off a toxic grandparent.
However, the guilt will be a thousand times worse if you allow it to continue. Many women have lost their children before they even realized what was happening, and it’s one of the deepest kinds of pain.
If the narcissistic grandparent succeeds in manipulating their grandchildren, it’s a new level of pain and despair for everyone involved.
The rules of society don’t apply to you and your situation.
When dealing with a narcissistic mother or father, you’re not playing the same game of life as everyone else.
Society tells you:
- You only have one mother.
- You’re adults, and you can work this out.
- Family is everything.
- Your mother loves you.
- She’s only trying to do what’s best for you.
None of these things are true for the child of a narcissist. These are the worst things to say to someone trapped in a narcissistic family.
Final thoughts…
In my generation, no one saw the narcissistically abused child. Today we are in the millions. It’s possible narcissists are created by their parents, and we don’t want our future generations to suffer.
You are your child’s only protection, and you are the only one who can stop this abuse from happening because it’s invisible to everyone else. Not everyone can go no contact when the narcissist is a family member, and there are a few alternatives to help you handle their behavior.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
If you’d like to know more about the RTT hypnotherapy sessions, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
I just recently discovered through therapy that I have been miserable the last 18 yrs because I married into a whole family of narcissists. And just today I remembered something sick my in-laws used to try to do when my son was a toddler. Every time we would leave or my in-laws would leave, they would try to make my son cry. They would say, “oh, sweetheart, don’t cry!” When he wasn’t even close to crying??? He wasn’t even emotional at all about them leaving, but they were trying to instill in his mind that he should be crying when they left. But I thwarted that b.s.!! And now knowing they just wanted him to cry to get their narcissistic supply?? I am so glad I trusted my instincts & convinced my husband to move FAR away from them. But I have since been stuck with him & his milder but still very damaging narcissism. Currently trying to figure out how to get out of this marriage. Thank you so much for sharing so that others like me can learn and save our families, too! ❤️
Hi Christy,
Wishing you all the best, and I hope you’re able to help your son navigate through all this too. Thank you for sharing this.
What do you do when they take you to court for grandparent visitation? I cut contact for ALL of these reasons and more and now I’m being bankrupted by the family court system which believes that children are best off with their grandparents. I was naive in letting her have a relationship with her before – that set the standard for the court judgement. She’s turning my daughter against me and deliberately trying to break our relationship so that she can replace me. I’m desperate to protect my child but there seem to be cultural blinders on when it comes to grandparents. As if all of a sudden you reach a certain age and no longer have a personality disorder. I’m being made to look vindictive and cruel (it’s elder abuse!) when all I want to do is protect my young child. How do you come out on top of something like this? It’s devastating emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, even physically. How can we turn the tide on cult of idealized grandparents?
Hi Scared Mama,
This is a terrible, terrible situation happening in society right now, and it’s not easy. I’m going to refer you to Rebecca Zung, Melanie Tonia Evans, and Angela J Storm on YouTube. There are many videos from these ladies to help you fight in court. I don’t mean this as insensitive in any way, but it’s a game. You can educate yourself, and they can help you understand how this game is played in court with narcissists. I’ll be thinking of you and sending strength.
Thank you so much for this response and for your blog. The dominant narrative around estranged grandparents is so one sided and your voice brings validation and a sense of being not alone in this. THANK YOU.
I just had an awakening after I witnessed my mom be cruel to my daughter. The blinders were off after that. It’s been a very revealing time since then as my entire family turned against me after my mom told her version of the events. My father can be very cruel at times as well. I cannot yet reconcile the good parts of them or the nice and seemingly selfless things they’ve done in my life. I fear it’s denial or bargaining on my part as I may not yet be ready to accept it. I fear for what they may do to me if I cut off contact with my daughter. They want to still see and talk to her even though they aren’t communicating with me.
Hi,
I remember when this happened to me. It permanently changed my entire life because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Thank you for sharing this, and know I’m thinking of you and sending strength.
Dear “scared to post my name”
1A) set up STRONG boundaries
1B) she’ll disregard them
1C) use this to enforce a long stretch of time between visits
1D) after one more visit extend the time between visits by double
1E) eventually achieving no visits for a year
2) please work hard to lose all your fear. It’s so empowering to have no more fear at all of anything she might do or say. Lose all your fear. Heal up inside. Yes your narc mom will do everything she can to punish you. Maybe she’ll smear you, or disown you – let her. Hold your boundaries no matter what. Her punishing you just makes her look really bad, and justifies you not having her in your life.
3) eventually give yourself permission to lose all your anxiety around the topic of your mother, achieving a neutral boredom on the topic. Yes it’s possible to achieve this, and very freeing.
To conclude, set strong boundaries – and if you’re not sure how to do that consider seeing a therapist for pointers. Then disentangle your narc mom from your family fold.
Two never things:
1)Never agree to let your narc parent see your child – if they are not speaking to YOU – don’t let them practice ‘divide and conquer’ under your roof
2) Never let a friend/therapist/anyone tell you that going no contact with a narc parent is not ‘the right thing to do’ or not ‘necessary’ – don’t let others shame your choice. Rest assured many many adult childs of narc parents have tried many other things and then come to the life-saving and sanity-saving conclusion that going no-contact is the only conclusion.
Wishing you invincibility and healing
My grandparents both narcissists. Grandfather a police man who beat my father and his sister. Grandmother a teacher ‘helping others’ and was always sweet sweet sweet. She allowed my grandfather to sexually abuse me when I was around 6 where I developed a plethora of learning disabilities, health issues and weight gain without any understanding that this was not normal. My grandmother was fully aware. She would help my brother with homework, gifts, activities and lied about his accomplishments with pseudo pride and treated me like I was bad. I rarely even got a happy birthday from her after the age of 8 or 9. Anything she ever did for me was a performance, any ‘quality time’ spent with her was a check up to make sure I wasn’t doing too well at life. I just did not understand WHY? My father was a narcissist too and as I reached my teens he would physically, financially, mentally but SPORADICALLY abuse us, just enough to stay in the ring. My mother is clinically insane with clear signs of narcissism, she is currently in a mental institution. This is only a fraction of what I was drowning in as a child. My mother would cripple my self esteem and pour wine and cigarettes on me when she was drunk and sad. She would say all of the things you can imagine… and even when you know they aren’t true, it still penetrates. From the outside we were always on vacation, lovely car, welcome to do grandparents… I find it hard to swallow that nobody suspected a thing??
Fast forward to today, my father died of drug and alcohol poisoning. I don’t speak to my mother because it’s a Venus fly trap. My grandmother has turned my whole family against me spectacularly whereby I have no voice. She is slowly stealing all of my inheritance away and I have no lines of communication with my relatives, that is not an accident. I have suffered and healed alone, and it’s a lonely place to be when you are unfairly kept apart from siblings who you love and want to protect and shield from what I know. It kills me to be thrown by the waste side with my arms tied with nothing to do but watch this continue. It is a heavy cross to bear and often humiliating when the ones who were supposed to love and care for you simply do not… no matter what you do, achieve, overcome or create. The hardest part about manipulation is the malignant optimism and holding on to those doses of good they used too keep you tame. Fantasizing about who you think someone could be is a dangerous and potentially life long sentence. Stay in tune with your gut and the universe…. <3 and strength to you all and Happy Easter!
Thank you for this article! I broke contact with my narcissistic mother before my children were born, but every now and then I wonder what the right choice is. This article helps me see that I did make the right choice. So thank you!
Hi Stefanie,
Every time I read something new on narcissistic abuse I do the same thing. I’m like, yep, that’s why. Thank you for commenting.
My mom, my little sibling and I have been dealing with my grandmother for years and thought that someday she will get better because we can’t do anything else. We have been trying to explain my dad but he just doesn’t believe us because of my grandma playing tricks. She talks to us so sweetly in front of my dad but taunts us when is not at home. She mocks and laughs us whenever she gets and opportunity and my dad would explain us that she was just playfully teasing us. Then our relatives will give unwanted advices when them come to our place because no one can see the true picture of my grandma. They say “you should spend more time with your grandma and not let her feel lonely” but who knows that she is least interested in talking to her grandchildren and more interested in gossiping with relatives on phone and trying to get their sympathy. My mom has suffered her behavior for 20 years and I can’t let anyone suffer because of her. Everyone thinks that we are the bad ones and we don’t treat her well. She plays a role of a kindhearted mother and grandmother in front of others but she doesn’t care a bit about my dad and us. She only care about a her daughter who just got married this year. My dad has become a puppet of her hands who would never understand his mother’s true self. I wish I could do something.
Hi Disha,
This sounds like the textbook behavior of a covert narcissistic person. My mother is very much like this. Unfortunately, they don’t get better, ever. It’s like they’re stuck this way for life and there’s nothing you can do to change her. We do all the changing and growing and they stay exactly the same. The best you can do is educate yourself about the condition so you can protect yourself from it. I’ve always been the bad one and both my children too, you guys are not alone so stick together. Thank you for sharing this because it’s exactly what it feels like.
I spoke with my covert narc mother on speaker phone ( a really good speaker phone, she didn’t know she was on speaker. )My now, husband, then fiance at the time heard how she really spoke to me when she thought no ones was around. He couldn’t believe her! He finally understood, and knew I wasnt exaggerating. I think people who grow up with a healthy loving mother can’t even fathom or wrap their heads around a mother who would do awful things we describe, so when they hear the stories from us, it’s unbelievable and it just sounds like maybe we’re exaggerating or something. That day my husband learned I was not exaggerating and she was a horrible monster and he never liked her again.
Thankfully due to an article much like this one, shortly after I had my 1st child I went no contact with her and all her flying monkeys ( family). I would say if you have an opportunity, record your conversations with her. Record her being a Narc. Or……. better yet the best decision I ever made going No contact. 8 years later. Not a single word.
Love and healing to everyone hurt by Narcissistic people.
Such a great article. Thank YOU
My narcissistic mother became an even darker narc grandmother. Three lessons learned:
1) forget your narc mother changing. She will HATE and HURT and HOWL as a narc grandmother till the day she goes.
2) separating your children from their narc grandmother is the BEST thing you can do. If you give your narc mother an inch she will find a mile to turn your children against you, to sow division, to hurt.
3) YOU CAN SURVIVE!
Good luck to everyone facing this challenge.
PS: to narc grandmothers behaving so wickedly, shame on ya’. So unnecessary.
Hi David,
Very good advice thank you for adding this.
The cost of the battle with a narcissist is my current reality in life. Trauma has given me this off switch for my emotions. I cannot remember how to turn them on again at will, but in times of need, I find them. I am so jaded at this point.
Yep… she hates me. Ok.. I am a monster… Fine… I make all the choices she hates… Yep… I am unappreciative and totally unreasonable. Sure… I do everything wrong, and I am a total idiot… Whatever…
She is still not taking over my household. She is still not controlling my kids. She is not grooming my husband (her son). No she cannot decide our lives for us. No her jealousy does not change a thing. No, playing sick does not change my mind. No, you cannot make my child sick, screw off. No, he cannot eat that. No thanks, we will eat at home.. Yep, I dress my kids badly, and you are the only source of information. I still won’t listen.. Oh, you changed the game? I opted out of the activity. You bought the kids expensive toys? Neat! Thanks! Sorry, I don’t do strings attached. I snipped them.
No I don’t feel guilty. No I won’t be ashamed. No I refuse to be gaslighted, projected on, or manipulated. No is still no, it will always be no, and did I mention, I said no?
So what if you helped? Do you want a trophy? I am fresh out.
You paid for a lavish dinner? Neat! Thanks! I am still on to you, and no my son won’t turn against me. I am his Mommy and I am steadfast as a rock. He may challenge you too though. He knows right from wrong and won’t play your games either.
That little girl? No she really is uninterested in you. She smells your bull a mile away, and the thought of going to your house gives her nightmares. She has more sense at 3 years old than most kids. I didn’t have to teach her. She is intelligent and I encourage good discernment. Don’t worry, she will mature past you in a few years and then her logic and reasoning will be superior to yours. Then I will let her tell you how it is. She has piss and vinegar, and already knows how to throw a truth bomb. You have been forewarned: she won’t kiss your booty either.
You don’t like my life? Cool. I do. You think I need you to improve it? No thanks. I will side step that tornado of destruction. I saw what you did to your other kid. No thanks… I set this one free from you, and I am good. You want to take credit for what I do? Neato… I don’t need accolades. My proof is in the pudding, and my actions and results speak for themselves. Thanks anyway.
Oh I am imperfect? Thanks for noticing. So are you by the way… I think I left a mirror around here somewhere… would you like me to find it for you? I think you got a little something on… your entire soul…
You want me to trust you, lean on you, rely on you? No thank you. I prefer not to shoot myself in the foot. I have a motto: do nothing that makes me think less of myself. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, but if your husband is around, I trust him to watch my kids for a few hours. He is the reason my husband is a good man. My kids can rely on him, and they have good judgement. Wonder why they run to Papaw and you are ignored? They smell your bull from a mile away and it stinks!
You want to undermine my authority? Good luck! I know where those kids sleep! They go home with me. They won’t trade insulting me for your cheap praise nor expensive gifts. I am Mommy. In my house that means many things, at the top of that list is respect and I earned it with years of reliable dedication and love. You cannot touch that bond so pound dirt.
After a while her tantrums and propensity for drama become a dull whine somewhere in the back forty of my mind as I ignore her latest soap opera of drama and intrigue. Oh you want to pick my kids up from school without asking me? No thanks. Try it, and I will remove you from the pick up list. Pitching a fit? Neato… We don’t tolerate abuse of boundaries around here. You want to act all offended. Good. It means I won. You lost. Pound dirt.
The only way to stay sane is to turn off the emotions and remind yourself of your true power. She has none, you have it all. Surrender none of it, and feel nothing towards her. Save your feelings for people who deserve them, and won’t abuse them.
I passively dance through the minefields and side step all the abuse. Why? I won. I took her son from her and changed his life, and I said no every time she tried to bait me into her games.
The people that know me know the truth: I am good, loveable, kind, empathic, self controlled, and self disciplined. I walk in my authority and do not need delusions of grandeur. I practice what I preach and make this world a better place by being in it. I stand up for people who can’t and spend my time teaching children with autism to speak. Before that I taught kids with special needs. Yep. Monster material here…
Know who you are. Know what you believe, and become unmoveable. Then the narcissist loses all their power.
Oh it hurts, but it is the only way to overcome.
Hi TJ,
I want you to know I think you’re incredible! You’ve taken on something most women wouldn’t be able to handle or overcome. Thank you for sharing your message, it was fabulous to read. This is a huge win and you have changed the course of all future generations from that bloodline. Very inspiring, and because of that, I’m sure you are her monster. Love it.
My MIL seems to get involved and “help” in all the wrong ways. My husband and I have been living with his parents awhile, which has been an issue with my MIL for most of that time, until I got pregnant. She would come up with some awful things about me that weren’t even true or provable (that I lie, that I’m a drug addict, that I expect everyone to kiss my feet, that I don’t love my husband, that I’m not commited to him and didn’t care if my husband died, the last 2 FIL said too) which the fatheI could go on). They basically said I was using them all and just waiting for them to die so I could get their stupid house.. We’re still living with them unfortunately and we have a baby now, which is why I’m commenting. She has a tendency to get overly involved sometimes. She will often times hear him crying from the other room or notice he’s crying and try to take him from me, often times into another room. even if I say hes hungry (he’s breastfed and I don’t pump). If I say he is tired she will talk the entire time she’s holding him and make him cry even more. She doesn’t respect our wishes for washing her hands after she’s smoked and she will lie and say she’s washed her hands after, nevermind it being on het face and breath, she’s interuppted me trying to put him to sleep so she can size up what ever she is making for him and get pictures of him in what ever she has made, she acts like she has a say in his medical anything.. She is just overbearing and acts like she helps with him so much. I’ve had to track her down to find where she’s taken him while he’s obviously hungry. And when I say I’m tired she mentions how little help her and her husband has had with their son and I know it’s a lie because I know he had 2 uncle’s there all the time and it’s not like her son is much help and she enables it by taking him when I leave the baby with their dad. I know the answer is to move out and I need to develop a back bone in the mean time I guess I’m just commenting because I need to talk about it in a way that is doesn’t get back to her. Which she spends so much time online I wouldn’t be surprised if it does..
Hi,
Is sounds like your MIL has a few wires crossed in her head for sure. I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing, and that is breastfeeding and strengthening the bond with your new baby. I’m sure she is fiercely jealous and will try and interfere as much as possible. Set your boundaries, trust your instincts, and your intuition. My advice, be incredibly selfish and protective of your baby, so much so that there’s very little room or need for her to be involved with your baby. Focus on that and completely ignore her. If you don’t let her know she’s getting to you, she’ll get bored and have to find supply from someone else. There are other tips and tricks to dealing with a narcissistic mother, so keep educating yourself and use them all. It’s a game, and you can’t win if you don’t know the rules of how a narcissistic mind operates.
I was adopted because my mother could not have children. This story is hard to tell because I’m just figuring this out. I had a pretty good childhood. At least I thought.
But there a lot of little things just not adding up for me now.
Certain things my mother did were unexcusable looking back now.
I had an abortion at 15 and my mother told my grand mother the day before it my grandmother rang me and screamed at me that I was a murderer.this Distroyed me.
But when it really all started was when I had children .
I was 17 turning 18 when I had my first son. I had been engaged and gone overseas for 4 weeks to visit my parents were they had moved returned to be married but he was gone I saw his dad the last time when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, the baby was born I rang the father’s sister and parents time and time again telling them the baby was born and to tell the father. The father had taken up with another woman and they moved to the other side of the country.
I waited 6 weeks he never showed they never showed so I had no other choice then to fly to the country where my brother and parents had moved to .
I was devastated over the first few months I thought my mother was helping me looking back I only had that child when I was breast feeding she had him all the rest of the time.
Without my knowledge of what was happening to young to knew at mothering . One day when he was around 6 weeks old we were in a fight over something cannot remember what excatly she screamed a t me what are you doing with my child.
I told her right then and their it was not her child.
Anyway years and years went on she took over but I moved out with my son but still from a distance she controlled the situation ( I know this now.
Any way what I only just found out behind my back every time she went home she was visiting my son’s family and dad. Taking notes of all of his family sending the father who abandoned us photos of my son.
Throughout his life
I got real sick last year and found this out.
My son returned to the country with his wife and child spent 2 weeks with his dad no one had told me about this contact.
Anyway to make a long story short I was blamed for stealing him from his dad and my mother had told him to never contact us .
So as it has ended up she has contact I have none, she sees her great grand children and his brothers and uncle to but I’ve been replaced .
His children call his dad and his wife there grandparents his children don’t even see me.
My mother will not admit to anything even though I have evidence
I’m broken hearted but need to know is this mother of mine a narrsisit she has undermined me for years and all the other things you have pointed out everyone just says I’m crazy.angry visious that’s what she says when we have to be ongoing of each other I stated I did not want to have any contact with her nut she keeps showing up or calling and I lose it
Allison,
This is exactly what a narcissistic mother and grandmother does. It’s not your fault, you are not to blame, and she is an extremely mentally ill person. This is textbook behavior and she is awful. Don’t give up, keep educating yourself, and find support outside of her reach to build you up. You’ve been gaslighted and triangulated and I think it’s crucial for you to get her out of your life at all costs so you have time to heal. I couldn’t stand to hear anyone mention my mother’s name for almost a year after going no contact, and the thought of seeing or talking to her would send me into a tailspin. This will get easier but you’re raw and hurt and need to put yourself first. Do what is best for you and to hell with everyone else.
My husbands ex mother in law is highly narcissistic and has been manipulating and guilting his daughter. Her mother has an addiction issue and has not been very present. The grandmother has called the children’s aid and the police on us multiple times with no truth behind the reports made and has ultimately harassed us through the authorities. Nothing has been done as we do not know the mothers address, and the courts have been unable to assist us in any way. We now have a lawyer and based on the last call to children’s aid and police we are going to do our best to keep his daughter safe from her.
I’m so grateful to hear you’re fighting for this young girl. All she needs in one person to believe in her and she’ll be okay. The grandmother will do the same thing she’s done to her own daughter, addiction was her only escape and I hope she finds a way to be sober again. Thank you for sharing, every one of us wishes we had someone like you, and I know it can’t be easy.
I always knew there was something not right about my mother. She had me when she was 15. My grandmother and great grandmother raised me until my father stepped in. I suffered abuse from both sides of my family. My mom and step mother were both narcissists. I was married twice and they were both narcissists. I had asked my mom if I could stay with her, when I was going through my divorces. Her excuse was always “I figured it out on my own, so can you”. She was actually full of crap because that women always had backup from my grandmother’s. My boys ended up living with their father because I had no where to go. She would bad mouth me to other family members to make sure that I had no one. I have tried to have a relationship with her but it would always end with me cutting her out of my life. I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart and he happens to be disabled. She would constantly put in my head that I would end up resenting my husband for his disability. I was raped by a family member as a child and she tried to make me sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. She would tell me to have abortions every time I got pregnant (my pregnancies were always planned). It has taken me years to realize that this woman is the epitome of evil. I had been debating on going no contact for the past year. I was in nursing school and I didn’t want to deal with the drama. So, I waited until after I graduated. She immediately tried to turn my oldest son against me. It’s kind of funny because she had zero to do with any of my children. My oldest son suffers from substance abuse and is angry at the world. My mother is also a drunk on top of being a narcissist. Unfortunately, my oldest son is also a narcissist. I had to go no contact with both of them. I am going through the motions right now. Why didn’t I see these behaviors sooner? Why didn’t my mom just give me up for adoption? I am mourning the fact that I never had a mother who truly loved me. I am angry and hurt. I can never go back. Every time I let her back in my life, the abuse gets worse. I made a promise to myself that I will stop this vicious cycle. I will be the best mom I can be to my other two sons. I don’t know what the future holds for my eldest son. He was married and horribly abusive to his wife. She ended up filing for divorce. Of course, he blamed me for his divorce. It’s easy to point fingers and blame others when you’re a narcissist. I am taking things one day at a time. I am about to start a new job as an RN. It set my mom on fire when I graduated nursing school. She never believed I could. So, I did. Despite all the drama, I graduated. I made a promise to myself that I will love. I will fight hard to stop the vicious cycle. I will be an amazing grandmother to my grandchildren. I will also take time to love myself.
Hi April,
It’s good to hear you’re still succeeding in life and pushing through. I want to add I also work with sons of narcissists. Many of them have pretty serious narcissistic behaviors and they are my most challenging clients. Sometimes progress is very slow and I don’t have any under the age of forty because that’s how long it takes for them to connect everything. I always hold out hope that everyone can get their babies back and healthy and that’s my wish for you too. Thank you for sharing your story.
If u see some of these things in yourself hoe can you change. If we admit to ourselves we do these things sometimes how can we fix ourselves .
Hi Shannon,
Wow, just step right up whydontcha. Since you asked, here’s what I see in those two sentences you wrote. The fact you’re asking this question tells me you are self-aware, and you can’t change something if you’re not aware of it. If you don’t like something about yourself and you know what it is you can change it.
The difference between a narcissistic grandmother and a fantastic grandmother is one, boundaries, and two, motive. One understands boundaries and doesn’t try to control everything. The other violates boundaries as a rule and tries to control everything using fear and intimidation.
It’s also possible you’re over-analyzing because it is my opinion that a narcissistic person would never put those two sentences together. I officially give you the award for the bravest comment of the week!
My mother fit all these senerios and I keep my kids from her. (They are grown now) I still suffer the effects of my mother making me her little slave, crtizing everything I did. She even dressed me as a boy when I was a little girl. She pits people against each other so she can look like the good person. Her way is the only right way. I stay away as much as I can but she is elderly now and there is some interaction. I always leave her feeling angry and violated. I want to shake her but I have to remember she in incapable of maternial of love and incapable of seeing things from another perepective.
Hi CU,
I do the same with my adult kids because I don’t want them to think it’s okay for someone to treat them like that. I want to protect the next generation (grandbabies, yay!), it’s the best thing we can do to stop the cycle. Thank you for sharing this, I know how hard it is. Better me than mine. I don’t want them to suffer like I did.
My goodness!!! So true!!! I need prayer above anything else. I am surrounded by narcissism on every side. My parents, my siblings, my child’s father, the pastor of the church I feel like I’m in a world alone fighting for my child’s rights. It’s a scary place when you’re alone, and it’s hard to explain and prove these things to be true. I’m in constant arguments and debates with everyone, now involved in a court case trying to avoid too much contact for my child’s sake, and it just seems my walls are closing in. Not to mention past boyfriends. Everything written is dead on!
Hi Danielle,
They are everywhere and it’s very possible you’re the only sane one in the room so be careful and watch your back. When the walls are closing in I remind myself that I will fight this madness to my last breath and they can never win as long as you’re alive and standing in the way. Sometimes you have to play their game and manipulate them, I think you understand what I’m saying. No quit, no mercy, and do whatever it takes to protect your child. Educate yourself as much as possible and take care of yourself internally. Strength comes from within. When my children became adults I wasn’t alone anymore but I had to let them grow up first. You’ll probably lose a few battles but this is war.
My mother has custody of my daughter. I recently asked her if she would think about letting my daughter live with me and I opened up, the proverbial can of worms; which is how I found out that my mother, is narcissistic.
Every word you’ve said here resonates with my story. My husband asked me if I had a different profile. he was amazed to see that it is I who is following you, and I am glad that I got to read it.
Narcissism is no joke, there’s no way the world can avoid it’s existence. It’s truly that devastating, it’s a vicious cycle of heartbreak, violence and despair.
Once you have seen, it cannot be unseen…
Hi Nicole,
So true, it destroys people’s lives for generations and no one can see it. When you do see it’s one of the worse truths to accept.
Thank you for letting me know this is reaching the right people and the only kind of people who understand.
I cried like a child for 3 weeks when I figured it out, I had to read the information about seven times before it actually kicked in. You are doing an amazing job, writing is the best way to heal. It’s as though, through the medium of writing; we are finally able to validate our own feelings. It helps us resolve the fact that our mothers are the monsters…
This is all very true. I’m dealing with parental alienation because of a covert narcissist. I was coerced into signing an adoption consent form by my daughter’s paternal grandmother. Guess who my daughter lives with now, yep, her dad 5 hours away from me.
I’m sorry to hear that, it’s a crime against humanity, literally.