The narcissistic mother denies her child emotional support for their entire lives. When you go to her with a problem, she’ll twist it all around so she can attack you for it. Instead of facing the problem, a narcissist will alter the facts of reality so they can put all the blame on you and then shame you for it.
For example, as an adult, you go to your mother and tell her someone at work is harassing you. Within the first sentence of you trying to explain what’s going on, her wheels are already spinning.
If you’re dealing with a covert narcissistic mother it could go something like this:
- It’s not that big of a deal.
- Well, you should do a better job.
- Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You seem pretty sensitive.
- Maybe that’s not what he meant, and you misunderstood.
- You should go a see a doctor who can help you with “your mental problems.”
Anything you say, she’ll say the opposite.
Your needs will be opposed if not outright dismissed unless they’re perfectly aligned with her agenda.
This can seem like you’re simply dealing with a negative person, but for children like us, this was every day of your life and every interaction you have with your mother into adulthood.
Every time you dared to open your mouth to express emotions or feelings and say how you felt, it’s shot down, disproved, and dismissed.
Normal parents give each child emotional support daily.
It’s natural and healthy to go to your parents for support. However, going to the narcissistic mother for emotional support is more like getting stabbed in the chest over and over again.
Stop going to her for emotional support.
You’re behaving like a healthy rational adult who needs some sound advice. Unfortunately, your mother is not mentally well or rational. Find a normal, intact, healthy human being to be your voice of reason. Someone who can build you up instead of tearing you down.
The last thing you need is someone who denies your reality and dismisses you.
It leaves a huge void in your life, so I am always open to bringing in healthy, loving mothers into my life to help me reparent myself. Watching loving mothers can be painful too, because you know it wasn’t like that for you.
You wonder why your mother can’t get better, you think of the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s, but it’s still a good idea to bring better examples into your life.
How a person without narcissistic personality disorder provides support:
- Girl, you gotta get outta there, it’s not worth it.
- Are you kidding me? He can’t talk to you like that.
- You don’t get paid enough to be treated that way.
- I think it’s time to get out of there if you’re this unhappy.
This is emotional support. It’s not that hard, and it doesn’t cost anything. It doesn’t make sense to deny your child in this way, and that’s the disorder.
And yet, we have no idea what it would be like to be emotionally supported by our mothers on a daily basis much less once and a while. I can count on one hand how many times my mother gave me emotional support, and it was pathetically useless.
The narcissistic mother uses projection and blame, maliciously.
We all use projection to a certain extent.
My husband and I love nothing more than to find a way to blame each other for something that was absolutely not the other one’s fault. I think this happens early on in a marriage and can cause a lot of problems, but we have good communication, so we laugh at each other now instead of taking it seriously.
He takes responsibility, and so do I.
With a narcissist, they will take exactly zero responsibility, and if you don’t accept all of it, there will be hell to pay. Your behavior is always in question and needs improvement while theirs never changes and stays exactly the same.
For me, it would be extremely painful to live in a state of zero growth. How can there be no growth after decades of promises?
That’s not damaged.
Narcissism is more than a mental illness.
Even if you can’t fully recover from mental illness, you can at least get the tools and learn the skills needed to manage better, and you can improve.
A narcissist can’t do that.
They can’t see the problem is with them, and they will sure as hell never accept such a thought. It’s not because they won’t, it’s because they can’t. The introspective part that makes you take a good look at yourself doesn’t exist for them.
They have missing pieces.
You’re not dealing with a healthy and whole personality.
It’s hard to digest you were raised by a person who was lacking in so many ways. The truth is like a slap in the face because if she lacked all of this, that means you lack some of these things in a big way too.
Broken is not the same as damaged, bruised, or injured. It can’t heal, and it can’t be fixed. The only way to win this battle is to once again turn into yourself and change how you react.
If you come from a narcissistic family, this isn’t hard to do. You’ve been adjusting your behavior for a lifetime, trying to avoid pain or receive conditional kinds of love from your parent.
We already have this tool and the ability to do this. You can change your behavior quite easily once you become aware and make the decision too.
What happens when you confront a narcissistic parent?
You won’t get the validation you deserve. They won’t suddenly see the light and feel terrible for how they wronged you.
According to a study from Kim Saeed, when you tell a narcissist they hurt your feelings, it registers about the same as asking them to pass the salt.
There’s no there there.
They are masters at altering the reality of a situation to fit their agenda and will have no problem telling everyone you’re the narcissist. She’ll completely annihilate you before you wake up the next morning.
As a young child, I accused my mother of being a liar, I knew she was lying, but I couldn’t prove it. I couldn’t even prove it to myself, and thus the spiral of madness continued as she swore she’s never told a lie in her entire life.
The narcissistic parent knows your every emotional weakness.
Instead of giving a child emotional support, they use it to manipulate and control.
They know you experience normal emotions like compassion, empathy, and guilt. They abuse you knowing how to use these emotions against you. A narcissistic mother enjoys toying with people’s emotions, especially her children’s.
If this was coming from a stranger or your worst enemy, it’d be different, but this is your mother.
Giving a child emotional support encourages independence and builds a strong sense of self.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, being your true self is not okay. By that, I mean, it’s never okay, and every time you showed your true self to your mother, you were degraded and humiliated without fail.
The narcissistic mother will do unbelievable and insidious things trying to destroy that light inside of you.
If you’re reading this, then she’s no longer winning. You might have been isolated and alone, but you’re not anymore. That’s what this blog is for. It’s to connect all of us together, to spread the word, and to make people aware.
And above all else to stop blaming the child for bad parenting. Blaming the child has been going on for years, and it’s ridiculous.
You should know the light inside you, the being that is you, can’t be destroyed.
I thought mine was dead. For a very long time, I thought it was gone, and this was it for me.
But it wasn’t true.
It was starving.
And it needed to be fed.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
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Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.