The narcissistic mother denies her child emotional support for their entire lives. When you go to her with a problem, she’ll twist it all around so she can attack you for it. Instead of facing the problem, a narcissist will alter the facts of reality so they can put all the blame on you and then shame you for it.
For example, as an adult, you go to your mother and tell her someone at work is harassing you. Within the first sentence of you trying to explain what’s going on, her wheels are already spinning.
If you’re dealing with a covert narcissistic mother it could go something like this:
- It’s not that big of a deal.
- Well, you should do a better job.
- Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You seem pretty sensitive.
- Maybe that’s not what he meant, and you misunderstood.
- You should go a see a doctor who can help you with “your mental problems.”
Anything you say, she’ll say the opposite.
Your needs will be opposed if not outright dismissed unless they’re perfectly aligned with her agenda.
This can seem like you’re simply dealing with a negative person, but for children like us, this was every day of your life and every interaction you have with your mother into adulthood.
Every time you dared to open your mouth to express emotions or feelings and say how you felt, it’s shot down, disproved, and dismissed.
Normal parents give each child emotional support daily.
It’s natural and healthy to go to your parents for support. However, going to the narcissistic mother for emotional support is more like getting stabbed in the chest over and over again.
My advice?
Stop.
Stop going to her for emotional support.
You’re behaving like a healthy rational adult who needs some sound advice. Unfortunately, your mother is not mentally well or rational. Find a normal, intact, healthy human being to be your voice of reason. Someone who can build you up instead of tearing you down.
The last thing you need is someone who denies your reality and dismisses you.
It leaves a huge void in your life, so I am always open to bringing in healthy, loving mothers into my life to help me reparent myself. Watching loving mothers can be painful too, because you know it wasn’t like that for you.
You wonder why your mother can’t get better, you think of the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s, but it’s still a good idea to bring better examples into your life.
How a person without narcissistic personality disorder provides support:
- Girl, you gotta get outta there, it’s not worth it.
- Are you kidding me? He can’t talk to you like that.
- You don’t get paid enough to be treated that way.
- I think it’s time to get out of there if you’re this unhappy.
This is emotional support. It’s not that hard, and it doesn’t cost anything. It doesn’t make sense to deny your child in this way, and that’s the disorder.
And yet, we have no idea what it would be like to be emotionally supported by our mothers on a daily basis much less once and a while. I can count on one hand how many times my mother gave me emotional support, and it was pathetically useless.
The narcissistic mother uses projection and blame, maliciously.
We all use projection to a certain extent.
My husband and I love nothing more than to find a way to blame each other for something that was absolutely not the other one’s fault. I think this happens early on in a marriage and can cause a lot of problems, but we have good communication, so we laugh at each other now instead of taking it seriously.
That’s normal.
He takes responsibility, and so do I.
With a narcissist, they will take exactly zero responsibility, and if you don’t accept all of it, there will be hell to pay. Your behavior is always in question and needs improvement while theirs never changes and stays exactly the same.
For me, it would be extremely painful to live in a state of zero growth. How can there be no growth after decades of promises?
That’s not damaged.
That’s broken.
Narcissism is more than a mental illness.
Even if you can’t fully recover from mental illness, you can at least get the tools and learn the skills needed to manage better, and you can improve.
A narcissist can’t do that.
They can’t see the problem is with them, and they will sure as hell never accept such a thought. It’s not because they won’t, it’s because they can’t. The introspective part that makes you take a good look at yourself doesn’t exist for them.
They have missing pieces.
You’re not dealing with a healthy and whole personality.
It’s hard to digest you were raised by a person who was lacking in so many ways. The truth is like a slap in the face because if she lacked all of this, that means you lack some of these things in a big way too.
Broken is not the same as damaged, bruised, or injured. It can’t heal, and it can’t be fixed. The only way to win this battle is to once again turn into yourself and change how you react.
If you come from a narcissistic family, this isn’t hard to do. You’ve been adjusting your behavior for a lifetime, trying to avoid pain or receive conditional kinds of love from your parent.
We already have this tool and the ability to do this. You can change your behavior quite easily once you become aware and make the decision too.
What happens when you confront a narcissistic parent?
Nothing good.
You won’t get the validation you deserve. They won’t suddenly see the light and feel terrible for how they wronged you.
According to a study from Kim Saeed, when you tell a narcissist they hurt your feelings, it registers about the same as asking them to pass the salt.
There’s no there there.
They are masters at altering the reality of a situation to fit their agenda and will have no problem telling everyone you’re the narcissist. She’ll completely annihilate you before you wake up the next morning.
As a young child, I accused my mother of being a liar, I knew she was lying, but I couldn’t prove it. I couldn’t even prove it to myself, and thus the spiral of madness continued as she swore she’s never told a lie in her entire life.
The narcissistic parent knows your every emotional weakness.
Instead of giving a child emotional support, they use it to manipulate and control.
They know you experience normal emotions like compassion, empathy, and guilt. They abuse you knowing how to use these emotions against you. A narcissistic mother enjoys toying with people’s emotions, especially her children’s.
If this was coming from a stranger or your worst enemy, it’d be different, but this is your mother.
Giving a child emotional support encourages independence and builds a strong sense of self.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, being your true self is not okay. By that, I mean, it’s never okay, and every time you showed your true self to your mother, you were degraded and humiliated without fail.
The narcissistic mother will do unbelievable and insidious things trying to destroy that light inside of you.
If you’re reading this, then she’s no longer winning. You might have been isolated and alone, but you’re not anymore. That’s what this blog is for. It’s to connect all of us together, to spread the word, and to make people aware.
And above all else to stop blaming the child for bad parenting. Blaming the child has been going on for years, and it’s ridiculous.
You should know the light inside you, the being that is you, can’t be destroyed. I thought mine was dead. For a very long time, I thought it was gone, and this was it for me.
But it wasn’t true.
It was starving.
And it needed to be fed.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
Everything you said in this post was spot on. I’ve been studying Narcissism for a few years now just trying to unravel my past growing up with my mother. When I was a kid things were normal for me, I was involved in activities, I had family, friends. My mom made sure me and my siblings looked nice and were on our best behavior and she especially loved when we made her look like a good parent in public. My baby brother was the Golden Child, my older sister was closer with my mother and there was me, the middle child. I was the shy, weird, big-hearted one. Suddenly my mom and dad got divorced and my mom remarried this guy who we barely know, who didn’t even seem like her type. She would start criticizing everything we did, she argued with everyone in the house and if we retailiated because we tired or because she was saying hurtful things she would never take responsibility. She would somehow twist the words to where we ended up having to say sorry to her. Then because she was mad she would give you a bunch of chores as a way to “pay” for hurting her. She would just stand behind us and watch and critique to make sure we “did it the right way”. The next day she would act all nice and sweet and then say or do something that she knows you don’t like just to start the cycle over again. If she helps you that means she should get access to your personal life because now you owe her. Unconditional love was certainly not her #ParentGoals. It was all about control. Then I got pregnant my senior Year of HS and for a while I forgot what it was like before my daughter. I was able to be happy again and love and have a reason to get up and keep fighting everyday. I’ve learned so much from being a parent but my daughter is 7 now and I realized especially over COVID that I don’t know how to do much of anything. I was always in fight or flight mode that I didn’t learn how to cook, how to drive, how to build healthy relationships, how to budget and even though I make it work I’m still learning how to heal my wounds while still living with my narcissistic mother and trying to raise my daughter to be a healthy whole individual feels like a battle everyday. I imagine when I finally get out of her house I will be the happiest person on the planet.
I am currently wrestling with the enormity of how I “knew, but did not know” that my mom was and is a narcissist. You grow up observing and wondering why she did things or said things… and you had constructed your own explanations. “She has tantrums because she’s nervous.” “She doesn’t have any friends because she’s shy and socially anxious.” “She constantly dredges up grudges and blame because she had traumatic past experiences.” But when she got older and the narcissism became blatant, I realized she’d been faking her relationships most of her life, and she finally stopped faking. She had tantrums because she believed she was the center of attention, not because she was nervous. She had no friends because relationships require seeing other people’s selves and not just your own, and that was too much of a bother for her. She constantly blamed others because she couldn’t comprehend being the cause of anything. Knowing what I know now, I feel miserable because I feel she is and was always a stranger. She was just pretending really hard not to be. The person who did the pretending seems to be wholly gone now in her old age. I’d like to honor the part of her that tried so hard to pretend… but she’s gone.
I think what is very difficult at this stage of my life, is that my mom is nearly blind and I moved home to help take care of her because she can no longer drive. Over the decades (I’m nearly 50), and after 12yr of therapy, I decontructed my own narcissism (hardest work I’ve ever done) and stayed away from my twin and my mother, which was easy to do because I lived 150mi away (and my mom never EVER calls me). But now? I’ve had a rough 18mo of adulting, and I’m around her all the time, and I slipped: I got sucked back into that feeling of WANTING a mother who WILL emotionally support me, but you’re right–she’s never going to change. Being a robot will be difficult, but any other choice simply lengthens my depression.
I love what you said about bringing in (surrounding oneself) with supportive “mothers” to help REPARENT yourself. Doing so is a positive & helpful use of our time & effort rather than trying to get what we need from a narcissistic mother, because they cannot & will never change.
One thing that really helped me, is realizing that my mother will never change, and reminding myself (especially when I have to interact with my mother) that I’m the person who is the emotionally intelligent adult, and my Mom is the “child” who lives in a bubble of her own emotions, who is unable to see, feel, or react to anyone else’s emotions, only her own.
Hi Lisa,
You’re in a tough spot. I can tell you that being aware of what’s going on is your best defense. Narcissistic people are mentally ill, and they can’t heal or be reasoned with. They don’t evolve or grow like we do. You’re already searching for and building a support system completely outside of her reach with groups, online forums, and people who understand emotionally unavailable or narcissist parents.
From that last sentence, it sounds like you may be in the grief and possibly the guilt stage. It will get better, it’s a process, and you’re in it.
As you heal and get stronger, it will get easier to deal with her. We are very beat up emotionally by the time we start to heal, and it is a journey. Once you start, you can’t stop the process of healing. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. What you’re experiencing now is a good thing even though it feels like torcher, I know. Everything you feel is justified, and once you get through all the crap, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sending strength and thank you for sharing this. You are not alone.
I was never physically abused by my mother, but the silence, the avoidance, the no affection nothing is just as bad if not worse. I always questioned so many things and it all goes back to her. My parents divorced when I was young and she never spoke of it. It just happened. I suffered numerous panic attacks and it was a dentist who told me what was happening to me. She never even noticed or dod anything about them. she allowed me to bully my younger sister. She bonded with her. She became a mother figure to my step sister and i was just a shadow. I tried so many times to talk to her. To reason with her. Tell her what I needed and wanted. She never reacted. She walks away and the next time she spoke to me it was as if I never said anything. I have now finally at 40 gone thru the motions of letting go of the mother I wish I had. Now she lives on the property next to me and makes me life hell. Knowing I am done. I cant sell my house. I feel like im being tortured.
Thank you for this wonderful article and comments. I recently realised that I am being emotionally abused and that my mother is a narcissist.
At the moment I feel depressed due to my divorce and the fact that I have been unable to meet someone new in 5 years.
Thank you Barb, I appreciate the encouragement. It’s good to hear you’re on the mend, keep taking care of you.
Everything you wrote, I experienced X a zillion times. I was born to a viscious, cruel, physically and mentally abusive narc mother. I’m 50 yrs old now, 17.5 years no contact. Been working on fixing myself and putting the broken pieces bake together for the last couple of years.
I applaud you for educating people, bringing awareness to this mental deficiency. More people need to learn how to see the wolf through the sheep skin.
Thank you!
Thank you, Katherine. I appreciate the support.
I feel for you, i am here. We all are. I understand. I promise you, we can get through this together. Be safe. Praying for you!❤
Hi Shannon,
I’m glad you found me. You’re in the right place, we all know the feelings you’re describing. Take care of you first.
Wow. I started realizing something was wrong with my mother a few years ago. I am 58 and it wasn’t until a year ago that I discovered that mothers could be narcissistic and what the ramifications are for children. Unfortunately, it took a horrific incident between us before I realized that I had been abused my entire life. How could I not know? But how can I change? The guilt is crushing. Hope seems out of reach until I read your articles and the comments of others. Thank you.
Hi Beth,
I have a sister just like that. I’m glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel because it’s a really long tunnel. If you’re interested in having a free RTT session check out my homepage and let me know. For me, it’s the only thing that’s ever worked to help me heal and now I’m sharing with everyone. Nobody needs people like this in their life, they will never change, but we can.
Thank you for making me feel I may be worth something – I have been so low. I now understand that my mother was a narcissist. She died when I was 30 years old but my sister was her ‘Golden Girl’ (what Mum called her) and continued the narcissistic assault where she left off. They were always close and used to be nasty about me (eg ‘Have you seen what she’s wearing?!’) when I was there. When my sister got better grades than me Mom told me ‘We thought you had the brains and your sister had the beauty but it turns out that she has both and you have neither’. This was just before I was about to leave home for college and it crushed my confidence. Mom never went to college so now I think she was trying to spoil it for me (she succeeded!). Since my father became ill and then died in January my sister has been just horrible to me doing everything she can to upset me. The constant gaslighting is exhausting – I have kept all her WhatsApp messages so can see how she says one thing one day and the opposite the next but then denies ever saying the first thing and says I made it up! I’d so love to show her all the messages and prove to her what she is doing but I have learnt from you that is a waste of time. I have decided that as soon as my father’s estate is settled I will have no more to do with her. We may need to move house and relocate to another area far away but my husband is supportive and prepared to do anything to stop her from hurting me any more. I would rather lose all my local friends and my home of 35 years than suffer the anxiety and insomnia that I currently feel. I am actually frightened of her and I’m ashamed to say a couple of times since my lovely Dad died I lay on the floor crying, saying ‘She’s broken me’ over and over again much to my husband’s distress. I felt physically weak, my legs wouldn’t support me, thought I was going to be sick and shook all over. I don’t want to go there any more.
Hi Wendy,
Most of us don’t find the truth until later in life, if ever. I can tell you I’m not going to waste any more time living in a lie and intend to live my life to the full from now on.
The oppression we suffer in unbelievable. Freedom is everything and I’m sure you know how good it feels to finally be allowed to grow.
Once we figure it out there’s no stopping us. The strength I find in women like us is also incredible. No one should have to be that strong but we are tough as hell and we will fight to the death for our freedom once we realize what’s going on.
Thank you for sharing, comments like yours fuel my fire.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, I have found it very difficult to put into words what my upbringing has done to me, and what I battle internally daily. I am 61, and finally got to the core of my living problems 4 years ago. To be able to put a name to it, and find that others feel and have gone through the same as myself was amazingly liberating, as well as reassuring that I wasn’t insane 🙂 No contact is the only way to go! And although you will go through the stages of grief, and guilt (my Mother used guilt my whole life in order to control my life) is very difficult as well as confusing. It is well worth it. I have come to accept that I will not be entirely free of this, but the freedom is in knowing what it is. I can be proud of the strength that I actually have to have endured this far (I am 61), and to look forward to flourishing, and yes! getting to know who I really am without negative interference!!! Wow!!! I had know idea what I was going to say when I started this comment. There it is <3
Sounds like you’re breaking the cycle with your kids, thank you for sharing your story, it all helps.
Wow! What an insightful article! I didn’t understand my mother was a narcissist or I was an empath until adulthood and always could not understand why she would flip things on me all of the time. When you spoke about the non-emotional support, it could not have hit closer to home. I was having some difficulties in my marriage a few years ago and turned to her for emotional support. I was more or less trying to figure out scenarios if my marriage wasn’t able to work out. Well, after sharing every vulnerability with her, instead of just saying she would be there for me, she called my children and told them that their parents were probably getting divorced and they should come right over to talk about it. Who does that?? Not only is she is a narcissist, but so is my brother. My mom and step-dad have lived a life of enabling him in some sick, twisted codepency. I also learned much later that my mom never healed from her own “abuse” of her childhood and wasn’t happy with her own marriage and turned into a vindictive, spiteful, bitter person who didn’t want to see me happy because she wasn’t happy. She chose to escape her own childhood by running off with the first boyfriend she was close with and it was doomed from the beginning. But needing a way to support me and my brother, married my step-dad because he was financially secure with a pension, but also disabled. She became resentful to being a caretaker and not being able to do the things that most normal couples do. Instead of trying to improve herself, she began to take on a codepency with my brother who is an addict. Because living with his problems were easier than facing her own and being accountable. It has been an eye-opening experience for me, but also very empowering to know that I am NOT the problem. Her responses are all very similar. I’m too sensitive or she’ll find some passive-aggressive comment to off-set validating my feelings. Or she will make it all about herself. She is a genius at manipulation, as well as my brother. They both have different realities and always opposite of what’s really truthful. I choose to love them both unconditionally, but I don’t have relationships with either. That type of abuse is not a relationship. I know I will never get a response from either of them that will ever make anything better or improved. And I don’t need it. Just knowing how much power I give myself by choosing not to engage with them is an indescribable feeling. And now I educate my kids on self-worth and what’s acceptable and the choices they have. All 3 of them have been awakened to the reality of seeing them for what they are and I encourage them to make decisions based on their feelings, not feeling obligated. I would never suggest to not have a relationship with them, but awareness is power and they’re very educated on the dynamic of narcissism. Thank you for this article!
Hi Rita,
Before I went no contact I had to be willing to give up my family and my inheritance. It was either stay for the money or leave with nothing. If your mother could be that awful I’m sure you’ve suffered in unspeakable ways. I will always remember the last blow that took a week to recover, after that I was done. Personally, I couldn’t take my siblings share and not feel like a piece of garbage. One yr no contact my life completely changed, over two yrs and my life is so much better without her in my head. I’d rather be poor or dead than have her in my life. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’ll be thinking of you and sending strength. Give yourself all the time you need to heal, this kind of psychological abuse can be debilitating.
I am 60 and I just came to the conclusion that my mother has been a narcissist her whole life . Recently upon liquidating my late father’s estate she gave absolutely everything to my brother . He is not in need as he’s been given everything his whole life . I am living on a pension that makes poverty look appealing . When I had the audacity to ask why they had done this to me , she told me that when she died I can have any loose change that might be in her purse . I don’t intend to ever speak to either of them again . The pain is like a physical blow .