A narcissistic mother has absolutely zero concept of how her behavior affects her children. It’s not only that she doesn’t care, she’s incapable of seeing it. She is so selfish and so self-absorbed she can’t see you at all. She can be very busy and very stressed because she has to have complete control.
She works extremely hard to maintain complete control, and everyone in the narcissistic family has no idea it’s even happening and that’s the way she likes it.
Should someone catch on and call her out there will be a tsunami of drama and emotional outbursts and breakdowns just to throw you off. At some point you find yourself apologizing for her behavior and then suddenly everything’s okay. We all pretend like it never happens and it’s never mentioned again.
A narcissistic mother demands to always be immediately forgiven when she gets caught red-handed.
However, should you be the one to make a mistake it will be marked down, remembered indefinitely, and will be throw in your face for the rest of your life. This is not normal behavior for anyone much less a mother towards her child.
What it’s like to have a narcissistic mother and the meaning of narcissism.
They know a child will love them unconditionally, and they will have complete control over their lives. She not only has no business having children but soon after she does, she realizes how much work it is.
A few years into the gloriousness of being a mother and all the attention it gave her… she’s done.
From a very young age, I felt her resentment towards me. It wasn’t until I became a mother myself I realized how strange it was. I must have been horrible; what else could it be?
Another point is mothers like this are obsessively concerned about what society thinks of them. Their reputation and outside appearance is the only thing that matters. They could never choose not to have children, what would people say?
Before we go any further please watch this video below to help you understand why the term narcissistic mother is appropriate even if your mother hasn’t been diagnosed.
I have a narcissistic mother and it doesn’t matter what kind of narcissist she is or whether or not she has a full-blown personality disorder.
Narcissism is on a spectrum. We are not doctors and it’s not our job to diagnose the level of our mother’s narcissism. Toxic is toxic. We find our way to the term narcissistic abuse by looking up our own symptoms and unwillingly find our way to this conclusion.
No daughter wants to believe this about her mother. No adult wants to face the fact that they didn’t have a good mother because once you do it turns your world upside down.
I realize the word narcissist gets thrown around way too much and that makes it more difficult for those of us actually dealing with one.
Dr. Ramani (an expert in narcissistic abuse) is here to set the record straight because narcissism is not a diagnosis. It’s a series of behaviors that have a pattern and if the shoe fits then it’s appropriate to say “I have a narcissistic mother.”
What it’s like to have a narcissistic mother in public vs. in private.
She’s hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do.
Not just in public either, as soon as my father walked into the room, she became a completely different person.
We would spend all day with the nastiest mother on the face of the earth, and as soon as he walked in, she had an instant personality change.
This is how a covert narcissist behaves, they can be very subtle when they need to be, very clever, and I know since I couldn’t do anything but silently watch and observe. It’s not like you can defend yourself. You have two choices comply or rebel.
Either way, you lose.
As a child, there’s no way you can defend yourself if you have a narcissistic mother.
The best time of day was when Dad came home, and then we could all breathe for awhile.
But eventually, by the time I was fourteen, she succeeded in turning him against me too.
Suddenly out of nowhere, he was fuming at me because I was wasting money using too many razors for shaving.
I said, “Dad, she buys ten for a dollar.”
He looked a little stunned, turn around, and walked away.
This is just one of many examples, but she would get him all worked up over nothing for no other reason than to cause drama when she was bored or needed attention.
She enjoyed it.
She worked overtime, looking for things to attack me for because I was not a bad child; I was very obedient trying to please my mother. I grew up in a constant, almost frantic state trying to do everything I could to make her happy for one day.
Just one day.
That day never came.
I was no shrinking violet either, and by the time I was a young adult, it was a full-on war between her and me.
Don’t forget when you’re raised by a narcissist you have no choice but to go all day, all week, and survive year after year with no quit.
You know what I’m talking about and you do it completely isolated and alone. No emotional support and not end in sight. You’re trapped as a child and this causes learned helplessness and learned hopelessness which deeply affects you as an adult.
When you find out your mother will always be like this, everything you’ve done and all the effort you’ve put into the relationship feels like a complete and total waste of life.
Here’s a day in the life what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother.
I was never allowed to socialize or do anything without my mother right there unless it was a church function.
Church and religion can be highly important to a narcissistic parent.
It demands obedience and what they believe is the only way to heaven as they preach at you their weaponized God.
I joined 4-H; my mother decided to be the 4-H leader of my group.
I got involved with gymnastics and loved it.
She decided she didn’t like the coach, and I never did gymnastics again.
She wanted me to play the piano and was going to teach me herself.
When that didn’t work out, she proceeded to find me the meanest teacher in town.
She finally told my daft mother that if I wasn’t going to practice, there was no sense in paying for piano lessons.
I can go on with examples, but basically, she did everything she could to sabotage what I enjoyed, and this was just her usual nitpicking she did every day.
If there is any joy or happiness in your life, a narcissist will do everything to destroy it; it’s what they do.
A narcissistic mother doesn’t give you love and acceptance.
I was picked on and bullied by her every single day of my entire existence for no other reason than her insatiable need to feel superior.
One of the key components of narcissistic personality disorder is they don’t have the ability to build themselves up from within, so they are completely dependent on getting it from outside sources.
Sounds more like a curse to me.
You’re not a person to a narcissistic mother; she considers her children as an extension of herself and has no concept that her children have their own thoughts and identity.
You exist as her emotional crutch or punching bag, and if you’re the scapegoat, you’re treated like an unwanted animal.
As you grow older and develop your independence, this enrages a narcissistic mother.
Here’s a list of things you don’t forget about this kind of upbringing:
- The mood swings that come out of nowhere.
- The outbursts for no logical reason.
- Nasty comments to you, about you, and about everyone else behind their backs.
- Verbal assaults in your face, snarling and spitting.
- Physical assaults: including hair pulling, nail digging, and pushing you around.
- Emotional blackmail or playing with your emotions because to her, it’s fun.
- Guilt trips, obligation, and duty to get you to comply.
- Being shamed daily for not being perfect.
- Being ridiculed daily and you brace for it because she never misses an opportunity.
- Etc, etc, etc, etc…………. every day without fail.
She wants total control, and when you start voicing your own thoughts, opinions, or emotions, she sees you as a threat. These behaviors will escalate and get worse as you get older, so most of us leave home as soon as humanly possible.
Narcissism is on a broad spectrum, but their ability to give and receive love is very limited compared to a normal person.
A narcissistic mother treats her individual children very differently. There has to be someone to blame because a narcissist will never take responsibility or admit to any wrongdoing. One of their children is designated as ‘the problem’ in the family.
Then she convinces every single family member that this child is the root of evil, and all her behaviors are projected onto that child. These children are usually the truthtellers, and the truth is a narcissist’s worst nightmare.
If you want to make someone angry, all you have to do is lie to them; if you want to make a narcissist angry, all you have to do is tell the truth. Scapegoats are, by nature, very honest and want life to be as fair and just as possible. If your mother is a narcissist, she will despise you for your moral character, and when you use your truth against her, you will be punished.
You can never really understand what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. It’s so crazy and senseless people can’t follow along much less comprehend what you’ve been through.
You were robbed, mistreated, and internally dismantled by a terrible and negative way of being that’s been passed down from generation to generation. Fortunately, in the age of the internet and information, we’re able to find each other and support one another. And thank God, because every single one of us is so isolated, we thought we were all alone.
Today we know there are millions of us.
If you’d like to keep reading, try The Real Definition of a Narcissistic Mother.
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
I am a 39 year old female-scapegoat of my narcissistic mother. She was poisoning me for 30 plus years until my life imploded. After the implosion I turned things around. At 39 years old, I am in college trying to heal my mind and body.
Your writing was perfectly said. I appreciate this, and I look forward to reading more of your articles.
It’s really horrific to see so many others share a similar past as me. I have 5 sisters, I’m the oldest and the blacksheep/ scapegoat. My mother told me I was an awful,willful and uncontrollable child. I didn’t find out until I was a mother that was all lies and manipulation. I was painted a liar. I don’t lie that’s the problem. I was neglected, left in very questionable childcare situations. That’s how I was sexually abused by my mother’s youngest brother from the age of 3 until adolescence. I told my mother. That was a mistake. I was medically neglected. I did not receive care or dental care until things were out of hand. My parents didn’t struggle financially. I was put in religious therapy under the narrative that I had problems. When the therapist wanted to speak to my mother I was jerked out faster than you can blink. I never told the therapist anything. I was made to work to earn my keep. I cleaned, cooked raised my younger siblings, chopped wood, agriculture. I built my parents home my entire childhood. Alot of punishment work. Move a pile of rocks, bricks, tar paper roofing. Then move it again. I was physically abused until I grabbed my mother’s arms and told her if she hit me anymore I would hit back. I paid for my freedom my father threw me into a wall for standing up for myself. I have been full of rage. Learned to NEVER need anyone. Adults in my life could have helped but didn’t. My family looked OK from the outside and was hell within. This is really just a rough outline. What I want to say is….. I never caved or was broken. Now I am trying to learn to take off the armor I needed to survive. It’s not easy. I became a mother 9 years ago. It was terrifying. I thought I was too damaged to be a mother. I’m not. I learned amazing empathy from growing up never ever safe. I use it to make my children feel safe and loved. I put them first. My husband is amazing and very supportive. I’ve been no contact for nearly a year. The last thing my mother said was to apologize for the first time in my life. “Sorry for the neglect. ” I was dumbstruck. I have operated under the assumption she was too crazy to know what she did. I’m trying so hard to put this ball of misery down. I’m plagued by memories. The gaslighting is the worst for me. My mother made me question my sanity.
Hi Battle Worn,
See this throws me off too. They know what they did. I think it would hurt less if they were too crazy to know what they did. But they do know. So when we go no contact and they don’t ask why, this is why guys. They know. Thank you for sharing this.
It was kind of a curve ball for me. I never thought of myself as neglected. Abused, unloved, exploited sure. However I suppose I didn’t take the medical, emotional, and abandonment aspect into account. I feel like I developed a serious self sufficient personality due to severe neglect. I was told I never wanted love or comfort and as a child I cried in the closet until I fell asleep. Considering the source I have my doubts. As a narcissists kid the materialistic physical things are provided. For me nothing else. This was a case by case situation from kid to kid. My mother is also struggling with an autoimmune disorder. My whole life this has been an excuse for just about everything. She always favored my second sister who had a severe illness as a child and recovered. After that favor went to my youngest sister who was a serious cutter and suicidal. I’ve done my level best to be there for my sisters. While they don’t really notice or care for the cover and shelter I gave them. My mother is a master at triangulation. I just try to be there when they need me. I tell them since I’m NC I don’t want anyone to take sides. As long as they don’t carry her water. I understand that to them I’m a lone wolf. My sisters banded together for support and due to my mother I’m outside that. They come to me in crisis. It’s weird I feel like I’m always leaving a breadcrumb trail to freedom. It’s difficult to be hopeful, they seem to need the narrative that I’m the bad one. It unifies them somehow as the good ones. To me it’s just sad to see them adopting some of my mother’s behaviors as they age. Being the bad one was better. In the end it allowed me to escape. While they are trapped in her web.
I was happy to find this article. Nice to know Im not alone. My brother and I are in our 50s and my mother is a raging narcissist and always has been. She is 89 and now blames it on being old. That is just an excuse, a convenient one. She has been a hateful person our whole lives and not one person will shed a tear when she finally departs this earth. I feel like a bad sone but can’t stand the woman. My brother and I have tried, incessantly over the years and finally come to the conclusion that it is useless. The only good part is that it has actually brought my brother an I closer together. We both agree we can’t stand the sight of her or the sound of her voice. If she want our mother we would never, ever not one word, speak to her
Wow this article exactly describes my experience. My Mum was a single parent and I only had a sibling who was 10 years younger than me, so my childhood was extremely isolated. I’m now almost 34 and have a decent partner and a child of my own. My Mum has recently stopped talking to me and part of me is quite happy with this but the other part of me finds this upsetting. I hope that one day I’ll be able to move past all of the damage my Mother has caused. I hope everyone out there who has experienced this or still is, is ok. We all need to remember that this treatment isn’t normal, isn’t ok and is not our faults.
Hello, it’s funny (in a horrible way) how I immediately relate to everything about narcissistic mothers… however when I read your post it felt like I wrote it myself… thank god for the internet where we can find each other, and THANK YOU for sharing your experience, it meant the world to me , exactly right now
I didn’t realize I had a narcissistic mother until I moved out in September 2019. I look up articles like these when I feel complicated inside, and whether or not I should talk about it, or even go to therapy. I am an only child, I feel like I am not the typical only child though. I do not feel like I was spoiled. I have recently been going through quite a lot, since Christmas 2020, when my mother called me to argue with me and tell me she wanted to abort me as soon as she found out she was pregnant, but seconds later can say she was trying to get pregnant for three years with my Dad. I feel like my mom goes back and forth with her thoughts and is quite inconsistent, but I noticed whenever I speak my mind, or the truth, she wants me to STOP and she wants to get off the phone or get away, or when I lived with my parents, sick my Dad on me. I noticed as I got old the abuse got tougher. I tried to save my mom once from my dad attacking her and I got into a fist fight with my own father and got thrown across the living room six times, but still managed to get up and keep fighting. My mother blamed me, yelled at me, it was an instant regret. Or like the one time my father, out of nowhere with no trigger from my end, tried to strangle and kill me and my mother watched in the doorway in the kitchen to the garage. Of course, I was the one to get in trouble because I kicked him in the groin and ran for my life. No, I did not call the cops. Yes, the neighbors, which live close enough to hear everything, came over to make sure everything was ok. I found myself wandering in my car, looking at places far away to continue my education as a nurse and I landed in Rochester NY, 3 hours away, and she still tries to get to me, and still does, even though I have distanced myself. I do not go over every two weeks, because she would put me on a guilt trip. I got my cats from her, live with my very loving and supportive boyfriend, who was the one to make me realize Yes, Allie, you were being physically abused by your dad and emotionally and mentally by your mom. I began to have severe panic convulsion attacks where sometimes, according to witnesses, I regress. I do not remember any of them or what happens. Recently, I learned, out of nowhere, my mom was on two chemotherapy medications. Of course a text turned into a call, always on her time when she’s available, not me, and if I’m not it’s the end of the god damn world. She plays games with me, my whole life, something is wrong but never telling me what and I cry and worry. She is such a toxic force that I never realized how bad it really was until I turned 27 years old, moved out, and thought about it. My mom has cancer, all throughout her body. She had time to get a colonoscopy, I told her to give me a date so I could get it off, she waited until the day after the due date to submit my schedule. I cannot make it, I live three hours away, she doesn’t want to put anyone else out, except me, which she didn’t admit but got pissy when I said why can’t dad or Poppie bring you, they are literally right there! She has put me on this guilt trip that ‘if I die I die,” and I have Had Enough. I don’t even know why I am writing here! I am a super private person but I really think I need to talk to someone, anyone. I am always listening to everyone’s else’s stories and problems as a nurse and I do not take care of my own. My friend and boyfriend can only give me so much advice and there’s only so much I can do. I believe I have been abused my whole life, now that I’m an adult, and maybe that’s why I have my wall up. Why I am so strong. I keep pushing and going, but she strikes my soul inside and I can’t escape her words. The pain is too great. I have distanced myself, why do I still get affected so deeply? The lifelong abuse? I want to let go, but her words are a thick black web and I cannot escape. I do not know how to cut her out of my life completely when I know she has to go.
Hi Alexandria,
Your words tell me you’re aware of what happened to you when you were young, and you’re no longer under her spell. That’s a big deal. This is definitely part of the healing process, and keeping your distance gives you the space to heal. It’s brutal going through this. All these tactics she’s using the guilt trips, the games, the outbursts, sicking your dad on you, this is all very negative and unhealthy. We know that whenever someone is using these negative ways, it’s not love. It’s pure manipulation. When someone is coming from a place of love, it would never make you feel this way. That’s how I would instantly recognize I was dealing with the disordered part because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And maybe you’re nursing education is also to help you see this for the mental condition it is. What you went through was pretty ugly. You have incredible inner strength. You’ve survived the hardest years of your life, and you’ve already found a better way to live your life, so don’t forget that. Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone, the people reading this understand, and we are with you.
Raging Female,
Thank You. This means more to me than you know, and you are a complete stranger to me, this is crazy. I think you’re right; I went through the hardest years of my life. I did find a new life to get away because I realized and I found the inner strength to move out and detach. You make me feel like I am not alone, and I read everyone’s stories on here. We are all very strong women because of our experiences. Thank you for taking time from your life to reach mine. This lifted me up.
You deserved a mother and father who respected you and loved you without the ugliness and drama. Unfortunately my experience was much the same. My parents constantly argued, so loudly, that all the neighbors heard, and I could not bring friends over for fear they would hear them. The few times I did bring friends over, I regretted it instantly! My mom would say rude things to them and make them cry. She will say “I don’t remember that” in the past when I’ve tried to remind her of those things. Her moods were very volatile, and she was always unhappy with the responsibilities of raising a family. When my first child was born, she didn’t even want to come over and help, saying “I raised my family.” Now that my Dad is gone, she is calling all of us constantly, looking for entertainment.
Jeanne,
My parents argued a lot too, it does sound like we went through similar experiences. I could never have friends over, my mom didn’t allow it, and it was hard because I am an only child. She expected my cousins to be considered my friends and ‘siblings’. My mom always says she doesn’t remember ever saying the words she would say to anyone too. My mom used to call me at her convenience but recently I separated myself from her, and limited my contact. I think that’s the best way, maybe even for you too. I have always told myself, especially with strangers, if they do not contribute anything to my life then why do their negative thoughts and opinions matter? I can only imagine what your mom is up to because she has nothing better to do. Seems like that way with my mom too. It’s unfortunate that we have narcissistic mothers, but it is up to us to continue on in life with a strong mind and soul.
Hello Allie,
I want to give you a big hug. None of this is your fault. You tried your very best. Your Mom is sick mentally. She can never change. It’s extremely difficult to deal with all these emotional booby traps.
The only problem is, when she dies, you will only be partially free. Find a good counselor, who specializes in Narcissistic abuse, this will help you get out of this all
Consuming whirlpool.
I am so sorry that she used God to beat you up as well. It’s not true. Jesus does love you and he would not approve of your Moms behavior. You need to realize having a relationship with God and His
Son Jesus, has nothing to do with your Mom. Here are the fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness and self control. If someone doesn’t have those, they do not have the Spirit of God inside them.
I lived for 50 years with a Narcissistic father. Because we lived in the same town. I lived with my Dad for 24years before getting married.
My husband is a Wonderful kind and understanding human being. He is a blessing from God to me.
I never understood why I couldn’t do anything right or be successful, at least in my Dads opinion. None of it was true.
My husband and I are successful spouses, parents, friends and employees.
It takes forever to come to this realization. I still struggle with it and my Dad has been gone for 6 years.
Again, it’s not your fault. You tried your best to get along with a horribly broken and messed up parent. It wasn’t within your power or responsibility to repair her. You were a child. Of course You are angry, because this whole thing is backwards and upside down and plain wrong. Please get some counseling which is brain retraining.
May you find peace in this life. Follow Jesus and pray to the God of heaven to forgive your Mom and to help you to heal and move on with life. He can do it.
Love and hugs friend!
Wendy
Thank You Wendy! I did have a counselor but she recently passed from COVID. I know the lord is watching over me and I will always have faith in his power. I understand that even when she does pass, the emotional damage will remain.
I am happy you have a supportive man, as I do too. He despises my mom and actually helped me realize I was being abused this whole time and that I really didn’t do anything wrong. I think having a strong support system helps the victims of narcissistic parents, but also professional help. Thank you for your time, consideration, and advice, Wendy. I greatly appreciate it!
I’m 29 and have known for years my mom’s a narcissist. Did i mention i still live at home? I’m not the golden child. The entire opposite. I still live here because my parents don’t speak English, or at least that’s what I tell others but really i just always hope one day they’ll actually see me for me. I am planning on moving on the opposite side of the globe away from them and other family in a year, waiting out the current medical situation and taking care of stuff i still have to do here. My dad has the avoidant lifestyle. There is a golden child in the family but she hasn’t amounted to anything besides blessing my parents with the boy they never got, which was supposed to be me… My parents are old too like near their 70s. They had me late. So it doesn’t help that they’re old school on top of everything. My dad’s more chill because of the avoidance and all, sorry dad, but it’s days like today though that i read articles about narcissistic mom’s. And i wonder if I will ever get the love i want or closure? And i wonder why i drew the short end of the stick and was born into a family where it’s so dysfunctional but I’m the punching bag for practically everyone. I just want normal healthy parents but i guess that why i get close to other people’s parents or other older folks because I’m looking for something i can’t get in my own.
Hi Diana,
I think it will be amazing for you to experience life without all this negativity. It’s also a very healthy thing you’re doing by getting close to other parental figures. We often seek out other women to help mother us, and it is good. You are finding your way, and that’s what matters. I think the opposite side of the globe is a great plan. Live your life for you. At 29, you can go out and find love and loving people to be with you in this life. We can’t change them or their ways. They have to want to change. It’s a choice, and you must make yours too.
I am the daughter of a covert narc mother and knew in grade school something was very wrong with our family.
You start spending time at friends’ homes and as you grow older, you hear the mothers say what a nut your own mother is.
I was the scapegoat along with another sibling who is now homeless.
We were the subject of mental, sexual and severe physical abuse.
I BARELY made it out alive. All of the kids grew up battling multiple addictions and longed for a sense of identity. She has tried to cut off at the knees all of us after leaving the home; smearing our names, financial manipulation and inserting herself into relationships in order to see them dissolve.
My siblings moved far away and I am working on doing the same.
The golden child – my oldest brother – was the only one who embodied exactly who our mother wanted to be. He realized all of her failed ambitions.
My mother had all of us medicated growing up. We were all in psychiatrists offices due to ‘something being wrong with us’.
My mother inserted herself into every relationship I had and would openly flirt with men I was involved with to get them interested in her.
She routinely called my employers to tell them I was mentally ill. Their response was my competency was at a level higher than my coworkers.
They thought they were prank calls.
My mother would open, read then throw out my mail.
She would come into rooms or places including going around locked doors when we were getting dressed even as adults in order to “view” us.
This is just a few points of a lifetime of incredible stories.
My mother has never formed bonds with any of us nor anyone else. She is unable to connect with others and puts down everyone she meets.
It has taken decades to work through the psychological devastation she has left behind. My heart goes out to those here. It is just unbelievable how insane these people are.
Hi Taylor,
I remember those little awakenings starting at a young age too. It’s so crazy people don’t believe it because it doesn’t make any sense why a person would behave this way. Thank you for sharing this list of absolutely insane and ridiculous things they do.
Sounds very much like my childhood spilling I to adulthood as I’m now 42 and through no fault of my own im homeless at the moment.t so have had to move back in with her. I am the scapegoat, the evil truth teller who had a rampant addiction to opiates and crack cocaine in fact anything that took me.put my head for a while. My brother who is viewed as the golden child is as miserable as me and an active alcoholic but he’s been given a flat she owns rent free and a car to drive which she pays for. I used to long for my parents to get divorced so I could go and live in peace with my father. I was 6. Mother hides behind the church to the point she tried to have her vicar and his wife kidnap me and take me to rehab this did not end well. I moved out of the family home at 16 and didn’t look back had a baby at 18 who I’ve amazed to shield from her abuse so he’s a productive member of society. If anyone would like to talk over their experiences please let me know id be happy to listen as I know most people are totally confused by the behaviour of a narcissist.
My heart goes out to you and everyone who has a narcissistic parent. I am 49 and recently moved back home with my toxic, narcissistic mom. I am on social security disability from having a brain tumor diagnosis 10 years ago. I only moved back home so I can apply for guardianship of my 18 year old incapacitated son. My Mom has used my disability against me. We have shared custody of my son. My son lives with her. She would never let me have my son for weekend visits as the court ordered. She filed for shared custody, not because I couldn’t take care of my son, but because she was angry that I moved a few hours away. She is now trying to fight me for full guardianship of my son. She is 75. Before I moved back home with her, she told me that she wants me to be a co-guardian to my son. That was a lie. I now have to hire my own attorney to try to get guardianship of my son. My Mom’s boyfriend wants to leave their home to me when they die. My Mom talks about selling the property. She is a hoarder. I asked her how and when she is going to downsize, so she can move. My Mom told me that she plans on moving in 10 years. She would be 85. She is not realistic. She may not live to see 85. My Mom and I have always had a complicated relationship. If she didn’t like the guy I was dating, she would get me fired from my job, by harassing my employer. I always try to be positive, but my Mom is always so negative. She always tries to argue about politics. She always insults me. This week, she has been telling me that I used to be so beautiful when I was younger. I would never treat my grown daughters as she has treated me. It is difficult living with my Mom, but I have to remember that I am here for my son.
I am 64 and have known my mother’s behavior towards me is unfixable she is a true narcissist. I lived my whole life knowing my mother didn’t love me. I am the middle child and now a women I only wish that what I have learned in 2 years about this subject is true of her. She is a very evil person but I know now unfixable. So what to do now! She broke her wrist and I am trying to stay with her and again even with the tools I have she is still getting to me. Help
Hi Lynn,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m the middle child too and had to take care of my mother twice after her hip surgeries. It’s extremely difficult. You can contact me anytime at ragingfemalejournal@gmail.com. Sending strength.
Wow same exact story here for me!
My mother has full blown narcissistic personality disorder and my older brother is the golden child who can do no wrong in her eyes. Except in reality he is a sociopath con man who went to jail for 3 years for stealing money. When I can forward about him sexually abusing me when I was a 9 yr old child and my brother was a teenager in high school my parents chose to protect him over me. He is their golden child, but in reality he is a rapist drunk driving criminal felon con man who also abandoned his own son! I dedicate my life to raising my daughter with love, empathy, compassion and good health, but somehow they say I’m the bad horrible child in the family and that I’m abusive to my mom simply by telling the truth I’m a horrible person. This woman who I see is not actually a mother on an emotional level, told me my friends were prettier than me, that I had a child to get her money, that I should not marry my loving husband, that I should not go to grad school and that I’m an ugly fat loser who will never succeed at anything in life, I now see she just wants to hurt and destroy me to somehow make herself the winner over me. Well she is trapped in herself while I have love in my heart that she will never know. I will rise out of her dirt into a blooming flower and mother and nurture myself in ways that she never could. There is nothing more harmful than your own mother not giving you love, safety and protection. But we exist we are not invisible and we deserve love and compassion! Self love, self compassion and tremendous healing will help all of us who have suffered from a narcissist mother.
Hi Sarah,
This reminds me of an old saying. “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
― Alexander Den Heijer
Thank you for sharing your message of strength and hope.
Yessssssss…I am not ALONE
I am 23 years old being raised by a narcissistic mother. I try to manage my guilt for setting a boundary to my mother…. I saw her 3 year old version… she did everything she could to get me back into the submissive stage. I have to repeat many times to myself that she has abused me, treated me unfairly, taken me for granted, hurt me whenever she could. She never loves me anyway, she has children so that they will give her the unconditional love and turn them into her 401k plans.
Reading this article and comments makes me feel like I am not alone. I belong to a community and my feelings are valid. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I feel better about my boundaries with mom.
I am at the questioning point. Was my mother a narcissist, am I? I wasn’t a perfect child, I had anxiety, depression, low self esteem, no sense of what I wanted because I would never have or become anyone or anything because I’m just like my aunt mary anne. I had fear of my mother and what her reactions to any thing I said, did, or didn’t do. The name calling and the put downs, telling me, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, “you have a link missing”, “I have to love you but I don’t have to like you”, My dad grabbing her off of me and telling her he would do the spanking from then on, (she would sit on top of me and smack me, over and over) Smacks in the face out of nowhere, her glaring, angry eyes telling me I was a bad child, belittling me in front of other adults and kids. I had forgotten to flush in the bathroom once, she took a poster board and wrote in LARGE lettering, “FLUSH THE TOILET KAYCE”, my best friend saw it, I was humiliated. That’s what my mom wanted, me to be humiliated, all the time. She was so different to my friends, she was nice. Most of the time. I am 45 years old now. I haven’t seen not talked to my mother in 4 years. Since she took my daughter. My daughter won’t talk to me. She did once, and her words, I thought my mother wrote. She talked to me exactly the way my mother did. I could go on and on, as I said before, I’m starting to see who my mother really was, how I was the scapegoat, not the daughter she wanted, my daughter is. The crazy thing is, my daughter said this to me at the exact same time I had the reality check of the situation. My daughter also asked me one day, ” mom, why doesn’t grandma say those three words you should hear”?? I’m beside myself. The truth isn’t easy. I failed myself, my daughter, my mother. I can’t and won’t get justice from the accusations I have been accused of. I gave up, suicidal thoughts, and then, I fell into another narcissistic relationship. After 2 years of therapy, I’m learning how to be me, set boundaries, move forward. I look in the mirror everyday, and there she is, my mother, looking right back at me. I haven’t come to complete exceptance that I look just like her, yet I’m working on it, day by day. Thanks for taking the time to read this through.
I am so sad for all of us who were so abused. Since this abuse basically goes unnoticed, I use to wish I had a bruise, a scar something that would help me get some help or support. I wish there was something we could do to help the poor innocent little children coming up the ranks. Like we all know, there is nothing we can do. They are trapped, like we were. It is so sad. As little children we idolize our parents and the narcissistic uses this. This disease is hideous. To think that your own mother or father can be your worst nightmare and it is all done in secrecy. When I was 17 I left, ran out of my house, I wouldn’t call it home, but of course, the abuse didnt not stop there. You are left with siblings that carry on their hideous work. Even when the narcissistic dies, they are still able to abuse you from the grave, through all your siblings. AND if your siblings are not aware of the narcissistic cycle, they marry a narcissistic themselves and the cycle goes on and on. I thank goodness everyday that I was lucky enough to be resilient and, like someone said, know that there was something not right. My two brothers are total narcissistics and my sister married one. It is very painful to watch. There should be tools out there for schools, hospitals and communities to use to pick up on this mental abuse, which is rampant. I guess there is, but what can you possibly do? The narcissistic is the parent and they are masterful liars. God bless and my thoughts and prayers go out to all of us who have been abused by these mentally ill people.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing this and I completely agree. I don’t understand why information and support is so limited on this subject. I hear so many stories of therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals who are unaware of the abuse a narcissist can inflict. It’s the only mental illness where you don’t treat the person who is mentally ill.
I agree! My sordid story: I experienced an episode of depression in my 20s and saw a therapist who told me that I was too critical of myself and after a couple of months told me that I was fine and no longer needed counseling. I went on to marry a malignant narcissist, diagnosed NPD by a marriage counselor who advised me (appropriately) to get a divorce. He then told me that I would be fine and said I did not need further counseling.
I went on 10 years later to marry a man high in narcissistic qualities who is a golden child but not full blown NPD.
At age 50 my brother told me that he was fed up with the terrible way I treat my mother and told the 2 of us to see a therapist together. After 3 sessions, the therapist told me that I was not the problem as I thought, but that my mother was unable to empathize with me. Finally, I felt as though a giant weight had been lifted and everything started to make sense. Why do so few therapists recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and the need for extended therapy to escape it’s devastating impact? It’s clearly not rare.
Not my mom, but my dad was a horrible narc.. I remember me and my sisters bracing ourselves for 5:30 when dad got off of work every day. I was the golden child for some time, then grew up a little and became the rebel/scapegoat. Got married, moved out and then some years later became the runner. No contact and haven’t seen or spoken to him in almost 3 years. I had finally made that decision because my husband and I decided to get pregnant and I knew I never ever wanted my son to know what kind of monster his grandpa is. He still sends my mom in as his flying monkey every few months, but we are holding strong. He feels like he has power over me still because he is a multi- millionaire. He thinks I’ll come running back eventually because he thinks I still want to benefit from his Will. I know my mom keeps trying to get me to come back because he keeps threatening to cut me out of it. It should send a huge message to him as well as anyone reading, that I am willing to ‘throw away’ hundreds of thousands of dollars, to never see him again or for him to have a chance to damage my son. Even a fraction of the damage he caused me. No amount of money in the world is worth that!
So proud of you being so strong for your son. My narcissistic mother just passed away and left the family believing I stole everything from her when she had already squandered it away. The best way to move forward is to live a better life and protect our kids and in my case, grandkids.
So funny… We live parallel lives… I too made the decision for my 3 daughters… But everyone in my family disowned me. “How can I take their grandkids away”… For whatever reason it didn’t send the message that Id rather thrown away money then deal with all that drama… My eye opener was watching her treat my kids the way she treated me… I will protect my kids the way I always prayed my dad would’ve protected me. Its all so heartbreaking =(
Hey, i’m Lucija and i’m 19. English is not my first language so i’m sorry if I write something wrong. I wanted to say that i was lately reading about narcissic mothers and when i read more and more I figured that my mother is one of them. Not a day goes by without her insulting me, making everyone against me( making me a bad guy), telling me that she wishes that I never was born, she even tells me that she will put me in psychiatry clinic, she makes a scene when i want to go out from my house and she doesn’t support any friendship i have, nobody is good enough for that role. I lost so many friends because of her. My brother is a golden child and has every right to be speared of all of this. The bad thing is that father is abusive and he listens to her stories and everything goes on me. I was beaten because i speak truth and cause i have my own opinion. I’m not really sure for how long i can keep up with this. I don’t really see any way out especially now when i go to college and have no money to pay rent and live alone. And i’m also kinda scared to leave my home because i have in mind :why if they play victims again, what if someone believes their stories and not mine. Do you have any advice? I would really appricate any answer or suggestion.
With love, Lucija
Hi Lucija,
One thing is for sure you cannot directly confront a narcissist or it will make your life harder. There are only a few options in a situation like yours. You can look up the Gray Rock Method or I have a post about Low Contact with a narcissist mother that can help you manage her. To keep yourself safe you’re not to speak the truth or have an opinion. You express no emotion and basically, you give her no feedback because all she’s going to do is use it against you.
The idea is she’ll become bored with you and then she’ll find someone else to harrass. You must protect yourself emotionally and educate yourself on narcissism as much as possible. One of the best ways to do this is to observe her behavior, they will always play the victim or the hero. First, you need to understand that this is a mental illness and it’s not yours. You are not to blame. I wish I had a better answer for you but for now, learn everything can and start setting boundaries if you can. Another thing is she’s not going to change, she’s not going to get better, and most of the time they only get worse with age. You have to live for yourself and build a life with friends outside of her reach.
Don’t forget you are young and powerful, and you have a huge head start since many of us don’t figure it out until much later in life. Don’t let anyone stop you from reaching your goals and then you get the hell out.
Wow……im 32, my mother actually told me that she has resented me since I was 2 (apparently a 2yr old can say things to ruin a mothers bond, pssssht crazy) she actually told me she “couldn’t” love me bcuz she “doesn’t have the energy”. Love is, was, and always will be conditional with her. She raised me “right” too….I am everything she always wanted to be but couldn’t…..she made me that way and it pisses her off. The sadness for me comes in the realization that I always knew there was something off with her but over the years I convinced myself it was me….I mean, how could my mother not love me right? After everything she’s done to ensure my success, why would she not love me? Right? Maybe I am the asshole? Nope. Gut feeling was right since I could remember, “mom doesn’t actually like me. She just fakes it cuz she has to.” Keep up the healing my loves…I cry often for me and for her. Trying to love myself and give me everything she couldn’t
Hi Tee,
You can’t make this stuff up and it’s so bad. I felt the same way, I didn’t know what unconditional love was until I met my husband. What scares me the most is without him coming into my life I may never have known the difference. What’s worse than knowing? Not knowing, and taking a lifetime of blame for something that isn’t your fault, and then dying that way.
I could go into a full-on rant, but I won’t.
Thank you for sharing Tee.
I found this on Pinterest. A lot of what I have read on Pinterest about narcissism made it clear to me that my mother was a narcissist; however, this article really brought it home. I have never read anything that sounded so much like my life. I am 66 years old, and as far back as I can remember, I thought my mother hated me. I felt like she was mad at me all the time. I got blamed for everything. My brother is 7 years older, so he was kind of out of the picture for me, but I do remember he would tell her off sometimes, and it seemed she left him alone. My sister is a year younger and very clearly the “Golden Child”. My mother never used a term of endearment to me, but always to my sister. Any dispute between she and I was always my fault in my mother’s eyes. She was never satisfied with anything I ever did. In my teenage years, it was war all the time. I dreaded going home from school afraid of what she would attack me for today. I became hardened; I tried not to react or even attempt to please her anymore. At 18, she woke me one morning and told me this was day I leave. So I packed up my stuff and left. Fortunately, I had friends who helped me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, even though it was what I dreamed about for years. But it was also the greatest relief I ever felt. It took a long time, but I have come a long way.
Hi Susanna,
Thank you for sharing your story. Many of us get stuck in the relationship by guilt and obligation. My belief is just because we were born into a family doesn’t mean we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with them. We’re allowed to leave and never look back.
I’m reading this from the perspective of my children. Their bio mom is narcissistic/PBD. They were 14 when they came to live with their dad and me (twins, boy and girl).
It’s been a long, hard road for all of us. My husband also suffered from her abuse. She actually stabbed him in a post-breakup ‘I hate you, please don’t leave me’ fight.
My children are now 19 and haven’t seen her in 5 years. She moved 8 hours away to start a new life because she had been abandoned.
I was raised in a very loving home and it’s hard for me to even imagine their struggles.
They have very few memories from early childhood. It truly breaks my heart.
You completely and utterly nailed my childhood existence. I’m just lucky I figured things out before she had much contact with my kids. And she was supposedly sooooo excited to be a grandma, but she couldn’t be bothered to actually come SEE them herself. We had to traipse 9 hours away with a baby or two small kids. Anyway…
Hi Amber,
We must be kindred spirits, thank you for commenting and I’m happy to hear the next generation of yours is safe.
That’s the goal, there are way too many of us in this one.
Wow did I write this comment??? My mom will traipse here so she can critisize me and everyone we know and ignore the grandchildren she was supposedly so happy about and anxious to see.
Unfortunately I tried for too many years to have a relationship with my mom. Last year she kidnapped my son after his therapist suggested he be admitted for mental health treatment. He was violent to me for years. She then paid for my abusive ex to hire a lawyer and file emergency custody. Lying saying my husband and myself are abusive to him (we have five other kids apparently she wasn’t worried about). Now that my ex is tired of her and not catering to her wishes she has contacted me.
My sister is the narcissistic mother to my nephew. She’s also the caregiver of my mother. I’m the family scapegoat. She cuts contact between me and other family members. The more I confronted her the more cutoff I am. I don’t know how to be there for my nephew.
Hi Mandy,
I have two nephews I had to leave behind and it’s hard to watch this happening. Confronting a narcissist never goes well and makes things worse.
It’s definitely a balancing act of trying to be supportive without getting him into trouble or getting you into trouble with his mother.
As the scapegoat in my family, there’s not much I can do while they’re still young but if they come asking questions I’ll be ready.
I accidentally found this writing and it describes my mother. To a T. I was the elder, my brother could do no wrong. Which put a wedge between us. And five years ago I had enough. I took my daughter and walked away. I haven’t spoken to any other family members because it was “all my fault” and they believed her version of why I walked away from being her carer.
“Fat”, “useless”, “a bad mother” and “stupid” were her go to choices in private. I’m so glad I finally at 38 walked away.
Hi Caz,
38 must be our lucky number. In private, mine was horrible and nasty too where no one could see what she was doing.
We have to protect our daughters. I caught her doing the same kinds of things to her and that was it for me. They can all burn in hell before I let them place the blame on my child. Roar! Got me all fired up now.
I am only recently discovering the narcissistic abuse now that I’ve left my narcissistic spouse. But now I’m looking into the abuse starting from my mother. She was always very controlling. And it’s so true about church functions. My life was church, Christian School, and activities surrounding them.
The only way I escaped was to marry my boyfriend. It’s been 4 years since she’s spoken or communicated to me in anyway. Who treats treats their daughter, own kid that way? I just wanted to marry the man I loved.
Oh well, he turned out to be narcissistic too.
Hi Brittany,
I understand where you’re at. Eventually, I realized all roads lead back to being raised by a hideous personality disorder.
I’m glad you made it out of that relationship, breakups with a narcissist can get pretty ugly. Thank you for sharing, your story sounds very similar to mine.
My mom isn’t afraid to show her narcasistic side to anyone at all. She is the type that always starts things with everyone then turns around and plays the victim like she didn’t do anything. If someone does’t take her side she blows up and makes that person look like a bad person as well. She also loves to point out everyones mistakes and flaws to the world and makes it seem like it is such a big deal whether if it is or not and then turns around and tries to make herself look good by saying, “If it were me, I would have done this or that!” or “Yeah, and I had to fix it!” When she makes a mistake it is never her fault. She always has an excuse that always involves someone else to being the reason as to why she did what she did. She also likes to volunteer to do things and then turns around and makes it seem like she had no choice but to do it. She also always makes it seem like she does everything and takes the credit for everything like it was her idea.
It always seems like she is always trying to make herself look good to the world and like she is always looking for pitty from everyone.
Hey Trina.
You just described my mother to a T and they are always looking to fill themselves up from outside sources because they have nothing on the inside.
Thank you for sharing, this is spot on.
This describes my mother exactly! I never realized this is what was going on until I got out of an abusive marriage and started looking up toxic relationships and narcissism and why I would be drawn to a relationship like that to begin with. It’s crazy to think about how badly this type of emotional abuse affects us growing up. Thank you for sharing
OMG. I honestly thought it was only me. Im the eldest. Everything has always been my faul since i was 2yrs old No love or cuddles. Since then. ( im 57 now) Alas from what ive learned recently is I am called “the scapegoat.” Mum has always treated both me & little sis “the same” which translates into. Give lil sis more and nothing for me!!! Strange logic but true. Everyone thinks mum is lovely. She has many flying monkeys…. im truely on my own. No skills ppassed on. I feel awful and inadequate in company. A Horrid woman. BUT I love her. Shes my mum. ……
Omg….I couldn’t believe what I was reading. You’ve accurately described everything I’ve felt and experienced my entire life. I’m a successful 49 yr old woman who is the oldest of 3 kids. From the time I was old enough to speak and have feelings, I knew there was something very wrong with my mother. I just couldn’t figure out what it was….bipolar? Split personality? Depression?
As an adult I’ve come to realize that I can keep a safe, healthy distance from her and it’s up to me how much I let her in. She doesn’t get to see me or my family more than 2 or 3 times per year, and even those visits are kept to a couple of hours or less. She will NEVER admit her wrong doing and will always be the victim here. And I just don’t have the time for it anymore. Thank you for this article. Hugs to all who’ve been though this!❤️
Hi Krista,
I thought the same things about my mother. She’s been misdiagnosed with many different things.
I was trying to diagnose myself when I came across narcissism and then everything made sense (or as much as it can).
It’s so good to hear you’ve managed to overcome, be successful, and keep your distance to break the cycle. Thank you for sharing that it is possible and it can be done.
Its incredible how the people who are supposed to love and protect you are the ones who hurt you the most.
Hi Arlene,
Well said, I’m not sure we can ever fully heal from a mother wound like this, we just learn to manage it better.
65+ years and now I have read and completely agree with the telling of your story. It is the same as mine! Thank you for posting!
I picked three spouses who were narcissistic and treated me badly, the last one for 23 years before a medical diagnosis of the now ex changed everything.
Unable to give or receive love?! What a horrible life sentence to endure! My life-giving relative who birthed me has returned to the energy of the Universe. I have found my liberation.
All is well and my happiness with myself increases daily.
I wish this for others.
Hi Hazel,
It’s good to hear that after all that you can find your happiness again and heal. Thank you for sharing this.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. You nailed it on so many levels. I almost started to cry. I’m 41. I go back and fourth not talking to my mother and so do my sisters and brother. This time was the last tho. I’m done. She doesn’t understand how horrible she has been and is. Thank you for sharing. It helped me justify mine and my siblings feelings
Hi Heather,
I’m holding on to hope my siblings come around but I’m not holding my breath.
And you’re right, they have no concept of how horribly they treat people.
I don’t know how they can’t see it. Thank you for commenting, I’m glad this helps.
Thank you for your insight. I have a narcissistic mother and she is everything you described. What I have come to accept is that I am not crazy and that I was abused from birth. At the age of 60 I am learning to love myself and take care of me. After telling mother that I know she is evil, I have not spoken to her in months. I wish I had known then what I know now, but it is never too late to cut toxic people out of one’s life.
I think most of us find out later in life and then we have to process a lifetime of abuse. I wish I would’ve known sooner too but I won’t waste another minute. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know I’m not fighting this alone.