A narcissistic mother has absolutely zero concept of how her behavior affects her children. It’s not only that she doesn’t care, she’s incapable of seeing it. She is so selfish and so self-absorbed she can’t see you at all. She can be very busy and very stressed because she has to have complete control.
She works extremely hard to maintain complete control, and everyone in the narcissistic family has no idea it’s even happening and that’s the way she likes it.
Should someone catch on and call her out there will be a tsunami of drama and emotional outbursts and breakdowns just to throw you off. At some point you find yourself apologizing for her behavior and then suddenly everything’s okay. We all pretend like it never happens and it’s never mentioned again.
A narcissistic mother demands to always be immediately forgiven when she gets caught red-handed.
However, should you be the one to make a mistake it will be marked down, remembered indefinitely, and will be throw in your face for the rest of your life. This is not normal behavior for anyone much less a mother towards her child.
What it’s like to have a narcissistic mother and the meaning of narcissism.
They know a child will love them unconditionally, and they will have complete control over their lives. She not only has no business having children but soon after she does, she realizes how much work it is.
A few years into the gloriousness of being a mother and all the attention it gave her… she’s done.
From a very young age, I felt her resentment towards me. It wasn’t until I became a mother myself I realized how strange it was. I must have been horrible; what else could it be?
Another point is mothers like this are obsessively concerned about what society thinks of them. Their reputation and outside appearance is the only thing that matters. They could never choose not to have children, what would people say?
Before we go any further please watch this video below to help you understand why the term narcissistic mother is appropriate even if your mother hasn’t been diagnosed.
I have a narcissistic mother and it doesn’t matter what kind of narcissist she is or whether or not she has a full-blown personality disorder.
Narcissism is on a spectrum. We are not doctors and it’s not our job to diagnose the level of our mother’s narcissism. Toxic is toxic. We find our way to the term narcissistic abuse by looking up our own symptoms and unwillingly find our way to this conclusion.
No daughter wants to believe this about her mother. No adult wants to face the fact that they didn’t have a good mother because once you do it turns your world upside down.
I realize the word narcissist gets thrown around way too much and that makes it more difficult for those of us actually dealing with one.
Dr. Ramani (an expert in narcissistic abuse) is here to set the record straight because narcissism is not a diagnosis. It’s a series of behaviors that have a pattern and if the shoe fits then it’s appropriate to say “I have a narcissistic mother.”
What it’s like to have a narcissistic mother in public vs. in private.
She’s hard to spot because, in public, they act as other parents do.
Not just in public either, as soon as my father walked into the room, she became a completely different person.
We would spend all day with the nastiest mother on the face of the earth, and as soon as he walked in, she had an instant personality change.
This is how a covert narcissist behaves, they can be very subtle when they need to be, very clever, and I know since I couldn’t do anything but silently watch and observe. It’s not like you can defend yourself. You have two choices comply or rebel.
Either way, you lose.
As a child, there’s no way you can defend yourself if you have a narcissistic mother.
The best time of day was when Dad came home, and then we could all breathe for awhile.
But eventually, by the time I was fourteen, she succeeded in turning him against me too.
Suddenly out of nowhere, he was fuming at me because I was wasting money using too many razors for shaving.
I said, “Dad, she buys ten for a dollar.”
He looked a little stunned, turn around, and walked away.
This is just one of many examples, but she would get him all worked up over nothing for no other reason than to cause drama when she was bored or needed attention.
She enjoyed it.
She worked overtime, looking for things to attack me for because I was not a bad child; I was very obedient trying to please my mother. I grew up in a constant, almost frantic state trying to do everything I could to make her happy for one day.
Just one day.
That day never came.
I was no shrinking violet either, and by the time I was a young adult, it was a full-on war between her and me.
Don’t forget when you’re raised by a narcissist you have no choice but to go all day, all week, and survive year after year with no quit.
You know what I’m talking about and you do it completely isolated and alone. No emotional support and not end in sight. You’re trapped as a child and this causes learned helplessness and learned hopelessness which deeply affects you as an adult.
When you find out your mother will always be like this, everything you’ve done and all the effort you’ve put into the relationship feels like a complete and total waste of life.
Here’s a day in the life what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother.
I was never allowed to socialize or do anything without my mother right there unless it was a church function.
Church and religion can be highly important to a narcissistic parent.
It demands obedience and what they believe is the only way to heaven as they preach at you their weaponized God.
I joined 4-H; my mother decided to be the 4-H leader of my group.
I got involved with gymnastics and loved it.
She decided she didn’t like the coach, and I never did gymnastics again.
She wanted me to play the piano and was going to teach me herself.
When that didn’t work out, she proceeded to find me the meanest teacher in town.
She finally told my daft mother that if I wasn’t going to practice, there was no sense in paying for piano lessons.
I can go on with examples, but basically, she did everything she could to sabotage what I enjoyed, and this was just her usual nitpicking she did every day.
If there is any joy or happiness in your life, a narcissist will do everything to destroy it; it’s what they do.
A narcissistic mother doesn’t give you love and acceptance.
I was picked on and bullied by her every single day of my entire existence for no other reason than her insatiable need to feel superior.
One of the key components of narcissistic personality disorder is they don’t have the ability to build themselves up from within, so they are completely dependent on getting it from outside sources.
Sounds more like a curse to me.
You’re not a person to a narcissistic mother; she considers her children as an extension of herself and has no concept that her children have their own thoughts and identity.
You exist as her emotional crutch or punching bag, and if you’re the scapegoat, you’re treated like an unwanted animal.
As you grow older and develop your independence, this enrages a narcissistic mother.
Here’s a list of things you don’t forget about this kind of upbringing:
- The mood swings that come out of nowhere.
- The outbursts for no logical reason.
- Nasty comments to you, about you, and about everyone else behind their backs.
- Verbal assaults in your face, snarling and spitting.
- Physical assaults: including hair pulling, nail digging, and pushing you around.
- Emotional blackmail or playing with your emotions because to her, it’s fun.
- Guilt trips, obligation, and duty to get you to comply.
- Being shamed daily for not being perfect.
- Being ridiculed daily and you brace for it because she never misses an opportunity.
- Etc, etc, etc, etc…………. every day without fail.
She wants total control, and when you start voicing your own thoughts, opinions, or emotions, she sees you as a threat. These behaviors will escalate and get worse as you get older, so most of us leave home as soon as humanly possible.
Narcissism is on a broad spectrum, but their ability to give and receive love is very limited compared to a normal person.
A narcissistic mother treats her individual children very differently. There has to be someone to blame because a narcissist will never take responsibility or admit to any wrongdoing. One of their children is designated as ‘the problem’ in the family.
Then she convinces every single family member that this child is the root of evil, and all her behaviors are projected onto that child. These children are usually the truthtellers, and the truth is a narcissist’s worst nightmare.
If you want to make someone angry, all you have to do is lie to them; if you want to make a narcissist angry, all you have to do is tell the truth. Scapegoats are, by nature, very honest and want life to be as fair and just as possible. If your mother is a narcissist, she will despise you for your moral character, and when you use your truth against her, you will be punished.
You can never really understand what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. It’s so crazy and senseless people can’t follow along much less comprehend what you’ve been through.
You were robbed, mistreated, and internally dismantled by a terrible and negative way of being that’s been passed down from generation to generation. Fortunately, in the age of the internet and information, we’re able to find each other and support one another. And thank God, because every single one of us is so isolated, we thought we were all alone.
Today we know there are millions of us.
If you’d like to keep reading, try The Real Definition of a Narcissistic Mother.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
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Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.