Not everyone has the option of going no contact with a narcissistic mother for various reasons. Everyone tells you to run away as fast as you can but for some of it’s much more complicated.
Narcissism is on a spectrum so it’s possible that sometimes setting firm boundaries can work and at least make the relationship bearable.
We are all taught this ever-elusive unconditional love and what most people don’t understand is that for a narcissist unconditional does not compute.
Conditional love is the only kind of love a narcissist understands.
When you give unconditional love to a narcissist, they will use it to destroy you. They consume and demand all the love and joy around them, yet they’re miserable because none of it can get in.
A good example is to think of it as a narcissist is always empty and they are constantly seeking outside sources to make them feel better, but no matter how much they get, it’s never enough. This means when you give them all this unconditional love they waste it and that leaves you emotionally drained and empty too.
I know how this sounds but the best way to protect yourself from a narcissistic parent that’s still in your life is to know your limits, set your conditions, and don’t budge.
If you educate yourself on how narcissistic abuse works and practice how to not react to their personality disorder, then some of these alternative tactics could work well for you.
Going low contact with a narcissistic mother isn’t about holding a grudge; it’s a life choice.
You don’t just wake up one day and decide you’re going no contact with your narcissistic parent (okay, well actually that does happen but) any normal, feeling, emotional human being would have to take a pause and think this all through..
It’s not an easy decision to make, and it’s not easy to do.
Here’s the deal.
You have to be convinced your mother is, in fact, a narcissist, and then you have to believe it, and then you begin to understand what’s been done to you. It’s almost like once you see it, everything starts to unravel, and your mind takes all the pieces and puts them back together again.
You start with learning to observe the narcissist’s behavior, and we’re going to get into that next. Eventually, the truth about your situation can’t be denied.
At what point do you consider going no contact?
I went no contact before I knew my mother was a narcissist. As the story goes, it’s more of a natural progression. It was a natural and instinctual response that came from deep within ladies; you know what I’m talking about.
It’s called survival.
I had to save myself.
Eventually, the relationship gets too hard:
- the dramatic scenes
- the silent treatments
- subtle insults
- blatant insults
- the backstabbing
- longer recovery time after being in contact
- the disrespect and continuously having your boundaries violated
This is not normal behavior; 99 % of people don’t act this way in any relationship. Much less a mother with her child.
So now you’re asking yourself, would it be better to go no contact?
Can you survive out there on your own with no family?
More often than not, if you do decide to go no contact, you also risk losing your entire family. She’s already been making the rounds and destroying your credibility with her lies and manipulation.
I have a narcissistic mother, and she turned everyone against me. She’ll stand up in church and tell a room full of strangers everything about my life and how I just can’t get right
It’s not just my entire family; it’s half the town.
- she’ll tell whatever believable lie she can about you
- she makes herself out to be either the suffering victim or troubled hero
- she will take no responsibility, and she won’t accept any blame
- a narcissistic parent will blame everything on you
Most people don’t understand no contact or low contact with a narcissistic mother.
You have to stop listening to people who mean well but have no idea how to relate. You’ll get the generic ‘oh, love your mother; she’s all you have’ rhetoric, (like, if I could barf every time I heard that I’d be thin as a rail).
They don’t know what they’re saying, which means we have to find people who actually understand what we’ve been through.
If you do decide to go low contact with a narcissistic mother there are a few things you should know:
- Prepare for it to get worse before it gets better because when you change the game she’ll notice she’s lost control.
- When you go in prepared and educated on what to expect, you’ll have a much better chance at success.
- You’re going to feel lonely, but I promise you’ll start to enjoy it.
- Things may seem eerily quiet, which you’re not used to.
As your body starts to physically relax, it releases some of those heavy emotions you’ve kept bottled up your entire life. These bursts of release can come out in the most inappropriate places and can feel more like a panic attack.
You’ll deal with the guilt from listening to what society teaches us about family. However, those societal rules don’t apply to children with narcissistic mothers. In my experience, the guilt isn’t half as powerful as the rage.
Once the anger hits, the guilt will quickly dissipate.
The anger stayed with me for a very long time, and the reason I didn’t speak to her is because I couldn’t. There’s nothing to say when you’re in this state.
I wasn’t aware of how deep the anger was, but I knew I didn’t want her to see it. Turning into a screaming, raging mess is exactly what she wants. I decide to do the exact opposite of what she wants and refused to respond in any way, shape, or form.
Anger is a great motivator.
Low contact with a narcissistic mother is the first step to setting boundaries and sticking to them.
When you start setting boundaries, the narcissist goes into a rage herself. Narcissists don’t mind leaving, but they hate to be left. This is a new experience for her, and she doesn’t have full access to abuse you anymore.
She’ll be running low on supply, and if she doesn’t get you back, then she’ll have to find a new target.
This is where the love-bombing begins.
Narcissists are inherently charming and convincing when they want something. She’ll try to woo you back and say all the right things, but if you’re paying attention, you’ll notice everything she says is disingenuous. This is called hoovering or love-bombing.
She has no intention of changing her ways. The change has to come from you and how you choose to respond. You already know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
You can’t continue to react to the abuse, so you’re going to do the opposite.
You choose not to react.
Not reacting is a reaction, and I doubt she’ll see that coming. And just to make sure, she’ll try even harder to get a rise out of you.
Stop reacting, take a breath, and observe the insanity. Once you become aware of what’s happening, you’ll begin to see how none of this is actually about you.
This is about her behavior, not yours.
Going no contact is a bold move and low contact makes the transition easier.
The problem is abuse is like a drug, and before I went completely no contact, I had to ween myself off. Sometimes the guilt or the anger would be so overwhelming I would break down and contact her again for another dose.
When you’ve been abused your whole life, and suddenly the abuse stops, you almost feel empty. You feel like something is missing.
That’s not all that’s missing.
For the first time, you start to realize you were raised without the love of a mother. That’s what you’ve been missing your whole life.
Low contact with a narcissistic mother won’t work unless you’re armed and ready.
It takes practice and the number one rule is from now on you don’t go to her for emotional support.
- Don’t seek her approval: A narcissist relies on your need for their approval. You’ll never get it and they love using it to manipulate you.
- Take a break: This approach is less confrontational, and it’s how I gradually crossed over to no contact. I told her I needed a break and then slowly disappeared.
- Low contact: Making yourself unavailable, limit interactions as much as possible, and set boundaries. Start saying NO. It doesn’t matter what you do; you can’t make her happy, so you might as well say NO and refuse to give in to the guilt trips.
- The Grey Rock Method: Give her no information and only one-word responses. Don’t go to her for emotional support and pretend you’re a rock, no emotion, no opinion, and no reaction to any of her attempts to hurt you.
- Be the observer: One of the best ways to deal with a narcissist is to change your viewpoint. Instead of focusing on yourself and what you can change to please them, take a step back, and observe their behavior. Take a good look beyond the facade, and you’ll find reality.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula specializes in narcissism, and she suggests spending three to six months observing the narcissistic behaviors.
This video tells you how to handle a narcissist when you don’t have a choice.
Most likely, you’ve been trapped in an isolated world where your mother is always right.
When you become the observer, you stop looking at things through the eyes of the accused or the one to blame. The idea is to give yourself a chance to sort out the truth and not allow her to alter reality after the fact to paint herself in a better light.
This is called gaslighting and it’s psychological abuse. You don’t accept her judgment or her version of events. When you see what’s really happening, you stop doubting yourself, and you know, without a doubt, you are not to blame for this.
You have to believe you’re not the problem before the healing can begin, you know what happened, you know what you saw and what was said.
Believe your damn self!
There are different levels of narcissism, and if your mother is on the lower end of the spectrum, then setting these kinds of boundaries can work.
Going no contact with a narcissistic mother is a last resort.
Every narcissistic family is different, and some are much more severe than others. We have to exhaust every other possible solution before completely dissolving the relationship. Going no contact is a personal choice, and it’s really up to you.
What do YOU want?
What do YOU need?
Stop thinking about everyone else, and for the first time in your life, put your needs above all else. You should know how to do this since you’ve been raised by an expert in the ‘me, me, me, I, I, I’ department.
Yes, you feel the guilt at first, but you’ll learn to resist that emotion after getting burned a few more times. Eventually, it was as if my whole body, mind, and soul said, ” NO MORE, THAT’S IT, WE’RE DONE.’
I couldn’t take another broken heart, another disappointment, or add on anymore hurt. I was tapped out, and I had no more to give. It was strange like it was suddenly all used up. I don’t know how else to describe it, it was gone, every last drop.
What does it take for a mother to drain every last drop out of her child?
It takes a lot.
I couldn’t begin to heal until I stopped the abuse, and that’s when no contact became the only option.
Take a page out of her book and put yourself first.
I had to go no contact because I wasn’t able to heal anymore. The last major blowout took me a week to recover from the abuse.
It was so bad, and I was in such a daze I couldn’t pull myself together, I couldn’t get back up for a week. I couldn’t go on like that. What does it take for a child to turn their back on their own mother?
The child of a narcissistic parent knows the answer.
There’re stages of grief after going no contact.
I mourned my mother while she was still alive, or maybe I cried for myself when I realized I didn’t have a loving mother. I was finally in a safe place to let out my emotions and the pain I’d been holding onto for my entire life.
- First, the shock and denial.
- Then the guilt.
- Next, the rage hits, and the pure anger is deeper than anything I’ve experienced.
- Then more anger.
- A possible bout with depression.
- I still go numb sometimes because you can’t feel it all the time.
- At over two years no contact things are better than ever, but it never fully leaves you.
The process of restructuring and reprocessing everything went on for over a year. I thought my head would never stop spinning, but it did. I was starting to get worried, real worried that something was wrong with me (as usual, the go-to;) I was getting to the point where I was begging it to stop, for her voice to stop.
After about sixteen months, something changed or finished cycling through. It takes a long time to process a lifetime of abuse, so be extra gentle with yourself. I would say within a few days it was over after that, and suddenly I was relieved in more ways than I can put into words.
Final thoughts…
Once you stop the abuse and process what’s happened to you, the lies you’ve been told, and how you were being mistreated in a way that no human being deserves, it’s devastating.
Eventually, you get to a place of radical acceptance and you take full control over the situation and your life. A narcissistic mother will not like this change in you and that’s when you’ll know you’re doing it right.
When you go low contact you take back your power and make your own rules. You officially revoke her privileges to make decisions about your life, she doesn’t get a say and she doesn’t have a choice
Need support?
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way.
If you’d like to know more about the RTT hypnotherapy sessions, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
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You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.
It’s taken years for me to realise the extent of the damage my mother has caused and through her wielding, the collaboration of the family who see their actions and the hurt caused as a joke.
I read recently that you should never try to relate with honesty to a manipulative narcissist. Most of my life I tried to be direct and honest to try to relate in a real way with my family but their double talk and the smirking led me further away. From an early age I saw that their words and action never matched up.
I moved from my country of origin for many years, thinking it was to seek adventure but it was to escape my family. That worked for a while in a new environment but then the flashbacks started, I could see how lost I became and how I sabotaged all of my success in life. I returned to my country of origin only to find a place that is hard to adjust to and a family who never wanted me to return. I ceased all contact.
I tried to write to a sibling for a while a few years back but realised at some point that everything I said to him was told to the whole family and would be used against me.
An example of their involvement in this toxic circle is that for most of my life, my family has known of the terrible sexual and psychological abuse I suffered from a stepfather and yet they never cared enough to back me up in my truth and help me through it. They support the fact that my mother knew of and allowed the abuse of me as a toddler and young child. They defend her, saying that she was looking after herself and can understand it. This statement was in fact from a family member who is a Lawyer. Eventually her cruelty has surpassed anything her second husband did in terms of it’s effects. Mostly because she is a sick individual who enjoys causing pain and death to non human lives. That has given her a sense of control. She will destroy anything she can have control over through the most insipid means. She is the worst kind of coward.
In being the scapegoat of that toxic family, I escaped living with it every day and normalising their garbage. I was not indoctrinated by it. Years on, the injustice still makes me shake with anger frequently but I work on calming myself and in trying to do some good in the world to make up for her bad karma. The best way I have found to do that is to keep the whole (unfortunately) family out of my life and hopefully for the rest of it.
It’s so hard to write about all of this but feels so important to do so.
Hello, thanks for posting this, sorry for my english, not native.
Until last year, I thought I was an horrible and unvaluable person, my mom is all you described in this post, and my dad protects her, even though she doesn’t treat him all right
.
It’s hard to understand WHY can a mother be like this, it’s like every narcissistic mother were like twins, you are describing her.
When I went to therapy, searched in my past, finally I was full of anger, I noticed, she was humiliating, insulting, degrading me, she told me I was nothing without her, she insulted me and I told her the past. Oh, she told me her horrible past and promised me to change. Nothing changed, 2 weeks after, she started insulting me, and increasingly she was even worse in a matter of months.
Sometimes I feel bad, guilty, thinking about leaving her, but WHY? He tried to suicide when I was a kid, with a note saying “I’m suiciding because you are the worst person in the world and you ruin every close person”, this happened twice. She took me away from my friends telling me “they are loosers”, she told me I will never be anything in this life, that I was so stupid and worthless. She told me one day she will be gone, she told me she will be gone because I was so bad. She told me that she did not love me at all because of the bad person I was.
She controls everything I do, every shopping I make, every money I spend, everywhere I go. She got mad at me because I didn’t tell her my bank account password. She lies everyday, even with simple things, it’s horrible.
And now? I feel guilty because I’m thinking leaving her. It’s so hard to think she will never love me, It’s hard to think my dad will never understand me, and it’s so hard to think she will never change. Sometimes I wish I could reborn again in other place.
Thanks for posting this, I feel a little bit understood.
Yes, you NEED to leave this poor excuse for a mother. Make plans, organise money, living place, support from friends if you can. Take you time. Then GO! Wishing you a very happy future life and strength. God bless you.
This article is so much needed. Thank you for writing it! After reading all the comments it just cements that going NC is the right choice. A year and a half ago when my mothers husband finally went through with ending their marriage (they’ve been going back and forth with it for years) she was offered a place with 3 of my siblings and ended up staying with my brother for a few months. She didn’t bother looking for work, ended up starting a new relationship with a man and immediately texted all of us saying how wonderful he is and that she’s happy and we should all be happy for her. It triggered me and my siblings because after our dads suicide she’s never gone longer then 3 months alone. She’d rather be in a bad relationship then be alone.
My siblings and I have all tried to help her whether it’s offering her a place to stay or giving her financial advice she doesn’t appreciate any of it.
So after she sent that text my siblings and I started talking and we found out how she’s manipulated each of us. She’s turned us all against each other and consequently we didn’t have a relationship with each other for years.
We’re now rebuilding our relationship.
My sister and I decided we needed a break after finding out the damage she’s caused each of us and how she would only give our kids junk food.
My mother didn’t like that. So she would bother my brothers with “why won’t they talk to me?”
They would explain to her that we need time and to stop texting us because it’s only keeping us away longer.
She goes on Facebook to get sympathy from perfect strangers. She plays the victim “I don’t know how much more my heart can take” which is something she’s been saying for over 15 years when I struggled to have a relationship with her in my late teens.
After my fathers suicide she would be gone for days at a time (we were kids) her social life was more important.
A month ago I started talking to her again. But I needed to take it slowly. Then a couple weeks ago she sent me and my sister another text saying she’s contemplating suicide. I texted her back asking if she needs me to call a professional. She replies with “oh my boyfriend calmed me down, thanks”
I told her that this wasn’t ok and then she lashed out at me. I lashed out at her and told her I was blocking her.
I guess I wasn’t going fast enough for her liking..
I’m so tired of it. I hate having to block her. I have so much guilt. I’m also so angry. I pray about it. But I feel like this is the best thing.
Hi Tina,
I get it. I do. Eventually, we are forced to make the decision to protect ourselves. That’s on her, not you. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Tina,
Wow, I am so sorry to hear all this. Praying for you and your siblings. I know how hard sibling relationships are after all this especially to be able to trust each other and move past all the reminders of the abuse we grew up with from unloving mothers.
Wow! This article resonated with me SO much and I really needed to read this today. I’ve been dealing with so much guilt after going no contact with my mother 4 months ago after she flipped out on me for nicely asking her not to come to my son’s college graduation. My family and I have had too many special events and holidays ruined by her behavior and I wasn’t willing to give up yet another special day for her. Well, of course this made her very angry and she majorly guilt tripped me and used spiritual abuse as well to shame me for making that decision.
After that, I felt the exact same thing you described in your article of being DONE! My heart, body and mind just literally couldn’t take it anymore, not even one little bit!!! I actually started having physical reactions where my heart would race and I would shake at just the thought of having to see her or talk to her. I am even fearful and shaking right now while writing this. 🙁 Thankfully, I just started therapy again recently to help me through this hard time. My therapist said that I have PTSD that has been caused by the continued exposure to the source of ‘poison’ in my life; my mother. I’ve known my mother is a narcissist for the last 11 years and have tried literally everything to keep her in my life, even in a limited capacity, but every interaction leaves me with more wounds that take so long to heal from. I have even been suicidal after some of our interactions. At this point no contact is my only option if I ever want to get better, heal my body and mind and not live in constant anxiety and self hatred. Thank you for writing this and thank you for listening. Sending you all love and healing on your journeys.
Thank you for this article and I wholeheartedly agree with all of it. I slowly retracted contact with my father, first I told myself I would make it more conditional like him: if he reaches out to me, I will also reach out to him.
His “effort” was telling me I was not visiting enough, after I spent 2.5 hours traveling to come see him. He would never actually invite me, and tell me I should assume I’m always welcome, but yet, why does he never visit me then? Surely he’s welcome to visit me too?
Eventually I realized that my effort would never be enough, it also didn’t help he said he couldn’t come to our annual Christmas dinner because he had to spend time with his “new” daughter in law (he hadn’t even been dating his girlfriend for a year at this point). Yet him retracting all this contact was in his opinion always the result of me not trying hard enough.
So I started treating him the way he treats me, and stopped reaching out, and now we don’t talk at all anymore. So I guess he doesn’t really care if I put in effort or not.
However, this weekend I will see my cousin for her birthday, and I haven’t seen my family in over 2 years due to being busy and then the pandemic hit. I’m pretty sure he will be there, my whole family is aware of the situation, and seem sympathetic to both sides, and don’t try to interfere in our relationship which is fair enough. I definitely want to see my family again, but I’m terrified of my dad’s “why do you never visit anymore” questions, I still have not figured out how to react to this without causing a potential scene. My current plan of action is telling him that he can visit me if he wants to. Let’s see how it goes…
Hi Marie-Louise,
I dealt with this too. I would feel guilty as if I was doing something wrong, and it would send me right back to that place of believing I was a bad child. It was brought to my attention that the phone works both ways. It was the same with my siblings. The relationship with my entire family was all one-sided. I put in all the effort, I contacted them, I drove four hours one way to visit, and they didn’t appreciate any of it. My family visited me one time in the 17 years I’ve lived here. They never called or even gave me a second thought. I wouldn’t allow him to put this on you. It’s pure manipulation. You could shrug your shoulders and say, hey, I’m very busy, you have a phone, and you know where I live. Say exactly what he says to you back to him. You could be real nice with positive energy, tell him he’s always welcome, and act like nothing wrong. It’s all a game to them. Low contact is a game. Narcissists always act like you owe them something. You owe him nothing.
You girls are great people! Never thought I’d find so many good people on the same page regarding narcissistic parents, and ALSO making good decisions for themselves and their families.
This is a great article. I have been no contact for a couple of years, after a experiencing a bout of vile, abusive and self centred behaviour from my mother at a time when I was very vulnerable (at the break up of a 14 year relationship). I came away from that interaction and was physically sick.
I vowed that no-one gets to treat me like that.
Fast forward to now. My stepfather has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been no /v low contact with him, only way to achieve no contact with her as often seems the case with extended family.
They have asked to meet with me (tomorrow) to talk with me about his Illness and making some decisions.
My decency tells me I should do this. But I am dreading it, my life has been mine and private and the relief of that has been immense. But the guilt….
Anyhow – do you have any strategies for how I can go about tomorrow? We are meeting in a restaurant.
Hi Georgia,
This is something I dread having to face in the future. My best advice is to control your expectations and don’t be surprised when they haven’t changed a bit. I like to imagine a bright white pyramid of healing light surrounding me and my heart. Nothing gets in without your permission and they’re not allowed to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself ever again because you don’t let it in. Don’t let it in! Sending strength for you today.
This is the most disgusting movement of complete lies and fabrication I’ve ever witnessed. It’s like a cult. To every 20 something year old, working thru who they are and what to do with their lives, giving them this kind of info is dangerous bc there are nuances to behavior from both the parent and the child where they might see themselves in the words written above, when it actually has zero to do with whatever angst the child is feeling. Moms are human, they feel and make mistakes. They are not perfect. Once a child is in their 20s, the relationship should be somewhat reciprocal where the child has to accept some responsibility for the relationship and tend to feelings the mother has. If someone is so immature that they can’t recognize where their moms have struggled and that they absolutely did the best with what they knew at the time, this is absolutely the wrong advice. Shame on you for perpetuating the loss of family in society
Hi Angela,
I’m a big believer in showing all sides of the story and letting people decide for themselves. Thank you for commenting.
Angela, I agree that family is crucial, as are moms. I am a mom and a grandma. I am also a daughter of a narcissist. And up until about 5 years ago I believed the problems were mine alone. I am 61. It was only upon meeting my husband 13 years ago that I began to see my mom through someone else’s eyes. Most importantly, eyes that love me and want to protect me. It’s a long and complicated family relationship which I won’t get into, just a very telling example. Flashback to early 1960s when I was a child, my mom used to pretend she dropped dead on the floor if we misbehaved. Flash forward to what I refer to as “Black Thursday”, when, after my mom begged me to visit the day before (I’m over an hour away) and I said I couldn’t, (I’m self employed, had just had a major computer crash and things were REALLY BAD for me at the moment, which she knew), my 87 year old mother phoned me to say she loved me, asked me to call my brother and sister to tell them she loved them, and then the dramatic “phone drop”. This, after telling me every day for the past 5 years that she was going to “Off” herself with some drugs she had stashed, because she wanted to die before her CHIP loan interest got too high, so she could leave her children lots of money (see – she was thinking of her children). I called 911, she was put in lockdown in the mental health ward of the hospital for 2 weeks. Turned out she didn’t take anything. Still playing dead. When I picked her up at the hospital to take her home, she told me she was afraid to be alone. I asked why, and she said she was afraid she might “do it again”. This, after 2 weeks in hospital surrounded by all the help she could ask for – she hadn’t even left the hospital yet. I’m trying really hard to set boundaries, but it’s not easy to change patterns that are so established. Not sure if this helps illustrate life with a narcissistic mother. It is just one example. There are many.
You sound exactly like a narcissist.
Thank you for writing this. I’m just finding out in my own therapy (or putting into words) that I was raised by a narcissist. The struggles that I’m feeling with coming to this realization and the grief I’m feeling knowing that I was “robbed” of a “good” or “normal” childhood is really so much to digest right now. I’m processing the idea of putting better boundaries into place and at least going low-contact (I’m not ready to consider no contact, even though I’m sure that would be in my best interest). These articles really helped me to process a lot of what I’m thinking and feeling and I thank you for that.
Hi Meg, I’m in the same spot. Trying to set boundaries. But, I’m 61 and my mom is turning 88 next month, so there are health complications as well. As a compassionate daughter, there are some things that she needs assistance with that outside services can’t provide. But I’m ok with calling in her ‘scripts etc…just trying to monitor phone conversation direction and keep it factual rather than emotional. But it is hard, because so many memories come flooding back. Good luck!
It seems so many commenters on this site are in late middle age or early senior – I’m 53 – and though I knew something was wrong with my mom for my whole life, I just didn’t want to believe it was something THAT wrong. I was lucky in that my father separated himself from her 25+ years ago and I rebuilt a decent relationship with him and he was always there for me as “me” (he had gone NC with her since he left our house). If I didn’t have adult(ish) parenting from him in midlife I don’t know how worse it would have been. He died 2 years ago, and I think even before that I knew my mom had a psychological void at her core, which was disturbing to realize but even then I never called it narcissism because that term is so over popularized and overused (and usually focuses on men). Right now I am dealing with twin crises of my mom’s hoarder sister having a stroke and being stuck in a terrible nursing home during COVID, which my sister and I are desperately trying to handle, and my mom simultaneously having a Grand Opera “collapse” because she’s no longer the center of attention. I do think her cognitive decline is for real and that is why the narcissistic reality has become laid so bare for me. Suddenly so much from my childhood to adulthood makes sense. I’m not really mourning so much as adjusting and processing. Going NC under these circumstances right now is nearly impossible.
Thank you so much for this article. I have dealt with a narcissistic parent my whole life. I am almost 40 years old and just now realizing that it is a thing. After the cold shoulder this weekend because I didn’t show up at her sides family get together, I have finally given up on her changing. I found out that the only reason she wanted me there was to show off my kids success. I was talked ugly to and ignored because I finally stood up for myself. It will be happening no more. I am done! Thank you!
Hi Stephanie,
It’s definitely a thing. It’s a lot bigger than I thought, that’s for sure. You are the bringer of change girlfriend! And it’s not an easy thing to do. Love the strength in this comment. I’m feeling it. The three most dangerous words, I AM DONE.
Well , what can I say? I just learned to understand my life, your articles and videos are very helpful. I am 54 happily married with 3 kids and 8 grandchildren. My relationship with mom is everything I have been reading. I just realized there’s a name for it …..NARCISSISTIC MOTHER
Thank you for sharing so much information. You are a gift that is godsend at the right time.
Thank you
i just wanted to say Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Super helpful. I wish all this had been around even 20 years ago. I went no contact (NC) with my narc mother in 2005 and had eight great years until her enabler husband died and she was helpless and broke and her friends begged me to move her near me because she was threatening suicide (I’d be rich if I had a dime for every suicide threat). I overestimated my ability to deal with her after eight years, and now she lives in my town and I have to pay her rent. After four years here, my family came to loathe her, and that helps validate me and relieve some of the guilt I feel about going from meeting all her needs to deciding to only pay her rent (which I bitterly resent). She could live another 10 years and I feel damned if I do (NC) and damned if I don’t. Society does not smile on disloyal daughters.
I completely understand what you mean. I’ve had countless experiences with my mother when it’s come back to bite me. I’m called a liar and how I don’t act like I have a mother. I never check up on her and how I don’t care and don’t value the relationship. Despite that I’ve always been there to help shower her, change her bandages, medication dispenser, answering FaceTime to listen to her. I do everything I can and it was never enough because when I did something for me she didn’t like it because I wasn’t there for her. It summed it up yesterday when her fiancé had a real go at me down the phone and demanded that myself and my husband go over, we should cancel whatever plans we had and go there. It was like we were being summoned like we were a dog. I wasn’t going to take it and being told if I value the relationship then I would go (blackmail) is not right. Therefore I have taken a stand and said that until they both apologise for the way they spoke then I won’t be engaging in conversation. Of course this means she’s flooded Facebook with how broken hearted she is but still no consideration to how I’ve been feeling and the damage it’s done to me and my husband and his family. Eventually you have to take a stand and not feel guilty, you know you did nothing wrong and you’ve been there but a relationship involves more than you. She has to also help and support and be there for you. Don’t feel guilty for taking a stand. The choice is with her now.
“Don’t feel guilty for taking a stand.”
That part is hard, but understanding that your narcissist mother is responsible for her own happiness and life it empowering. You did not choose to make her feel unhappy or angry or cut off, she took actions that lead to a consequence.
As a child of a narcissist, it take years to build boundaries. Taking space allows you to feel how abnormal these toxic people make your life. When you do see them after going low contact, it’s like walking into an alternate world where everyone is nuts except for you, your parent, their spouse, extended family, their well meaning neighbor, their friends without a clue about the truth.
Truth is the extended circle of a narcissistic parent does not want to be the chosen one for abuse, so they go along and try to get you to stay in the circle. Reclaim your life, just say no and back away. Maybe you will find tools to keep low contact, maybe you will go no contact. However it goes choose yourself and your families happiness over your disordered parent. They already took too much.
Absolutely amazing article! I could have written it myself,
My fam is full of narcissists. My father’s mom is one of them and I went NC with her over 10 years ago. She now has dementia and I couldn’t care less to be honest.
Earlier this year, after my sister took a DNA test, my mother admitted to us that our grandfather wasn’t our biological one. I tried to discuss it with both my kon and my grandmother and they wouldn’t say anything. That was it for me, I cut ties with my narcissist grandmother (another one!) and later with my both my mom and dad (both narcissists as well)
I always had a very difficult relationship with my mom and she wouldn’t even acknowledge my sadness when I learnt about my grandfather. (Just FYI we know nothing about my dad’s family that he has been estranged from for over 20+ years) After some more craziness, I finally called her and told her I didn’t want her to contact me ever again. At first, my enabler/narcissist dad was very supportive (he is still with my mom) and not too long after that, he asked me to talk to my mom because I was such a nasty person. I cut ties with him too.
So that was 3 people in 4 months. Still trying to recover from it. From what I have been reading, it usually takes 2 years to almost get over it completely so it’s just the beginning of my journey. Thankfully, I had started therapy about 10 years ago and got helped by another therapist while navigating NC.
Thanks so much for your article!
Hi Jean,
Thank you for sharing this. When we’re surrounded by narcissists in our own family, it can make us think we’re the crazy ones, and it’s even scarier when you realize it’s not you. It’s them. Sending strength.
How do you leave a narcissist that you live with ? Do you tell her you are leaving or just leave without them knowing?
I can’t take it anymore. Like you said the silent treatment, insults,the backstabbing…. every minute feels like eternity.
Anything would be better than living like this.
Thank you
Hi Ed,
It depends. You have to do whatever way is best for you. Some people like to confront them and tell them off. Some people disappear without a word. Having an exit plan is never a bad idea either. One day I snapped and had enough. Then I started taking steps in that direction and kept going. Really it’s about making the decision to do it, and then you figure the how. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Sending strength.
Hi my mother is a narcissist the whole world revolves around her. She calls me terrible things to my brother. And she calls my brother and humiliates him on a regular basis. He’s to weak to leave her and feels that now she’s 80 yes if he left he would be overwhelmed with guilt. My mother always makes us both feel that we’re always wrong and she’s always right. Does anyone know where we can go about getting therapy?. I’ve got a holiday booked with her soon and I’m dreading it.
Thank you for this article. I’m recovering from the realization of having had a Narc of a mom. I don’t know how severe she is on the spectrum, she has a light and dark mode. Her light mode is very generous and helpful and loving. Her dark mode is a full blown sociopath.
Her light mode is the only reason I still want to be around her and visit/call her. I’m married and have my own family now, my children love her and so did my husband. The dark mode was reserved for me only. Finally my husband got to see this dark side when we lived with her briefly during the birth of our 3rd baby. She was helpful financially and somewhat helpful with the child care of my 2 older kids, I say somewhat because she would feed them junk food and undermine my rules. But she loves teaching them read and write and plays with them. They adore her! As for me and my husband, she constantly made jabs at our cooking, cleaning, our diet choices, my looks and my husband’s lack of career (yes because he was laid off due to COVID).
When we lived with her the dark mode show up more and more, to the point of her throwing adult tantrum crying fits when we didn’t do something her way. It can be something as minor as we putting a recycled item into the garbage, or we didn’t tell her we boiled hot water for her tea, and we are not allowed to boil it twice because she read on some health website that boiling water twice will turn the water toxic. Eventually we plot moving out by lying about ending my mat leave and going back to work. She is upset about that and blames my husband for this, even though it was his money management that’s getting us through these years.
I’ve come to dealing with this a little differently tho, because filial piety is feeling ingrained in our culture, children who won’t be their parents slaves or ATM are labeled as degenerates. Even though I’ve done what I could to help her in every way I can, because I wasn’t raining cash on her I am labeled a “degenerate” and the “worst daughter of the century” I’ve came to embrace my label. Because I’m such a degenerate I have no problem not helping her, not calling her to make sure she is ok daily, and also keep the financial help she gave to us. I used to feel bad and would try to pay her back for her gift even though she is swimming in money. Because I’ve always helped her with everything I know how much she has, how much she needs and how much she spends. To be fair that money came from me managing her rental properties all these years for free. But I’ll let that slide. She has enough to never lift a finger ever again. So I know she will be okay.
I still struggle sometimes because I’m her only child, and her only family here. But I know that being in contact too often I’ll have to deal with the dark mode and I don’t need to put up with this anymore. This makes me a bad guy then so be it, meh. My children, they don’t understand why we don’t visit grandma anymore. Right now we are using the Covid lockdown as an excuse. Later we’ll think of something else. Maybe tell them the truth one day when they are old enough. I’m not sure.
Hi Dee,
I don’t envy the only child of a narcissistic mother. That’s a whole new level of unbearable. So glad you have your husband and children. You’ve succeeded against all odds. You should be very proud of yourself for surviving all those years alone. We’re meant to spend our lives with people we love and who love us back. You managed to find and create that for yourself. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Dee,
I, too, am the only child of a covert narcissist. She is widowed. I need support for going no contact b/c of the guilt I feel.
Wow I feel like this is MY story! Except it’s my MIL that’s the narcissist. We had our first baby last year during the pandemic and my husband lost his job as well. We sold our house and moved in with my MIL until we found someplace new and could get back in our feet. She is constantly gaslighting my husband (her son), and playing helpless, doesn’t know how to do anything, victim all while criticizing every oz of help she receives. She has said multiple times to my child that she wants her to cry when my MIL leaves for work…??? Wtf?!?! She is so desperate to be my baby’s favorite person by being super lively when playing but then won’t pay any attention to my baby’s cues that she’s had enough. She will get onto my baby for refusing her attention when she is very ill-timed with her approach, she disrespects myself and my husband in front of my baby then swoops her up to go play. I’m sick to death of being around this woman but we are subject to this until our house is finished being built and it’s taking a toll on us.
My husband and and I have had more nervous breakdowns in these few months of living here than we have had in our entire lives! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go no contact but definitely low contact will be heavily in place when we move and supervised visits with my baby only because I will not subject my baby to her manipulation.
Kim, I’m sure your decision is the right one. You didnt do this over night. We are here for you. All the best..🤗🤗
Oh my gosh Dee, reading your re-ply is my mom to an “EXACT” tee!!!!!!!!! The only difference is that if I should ever have kid’s, my mom wouldn’t feed them junk food but the opposite (feeding them healthy foods). In which that would be okay but @ the same time she would constantly force them to eat certain vegetable’s if they didn’t want to eat it. She’s like that with me even until this day and I’m almost 40. I need a way to get out but I am so glad that I read your comment.
Wow this is my mom to a tee!!!!!!!!!! The only difference is that if I ever had children, she would be giving them healthy food’s, like vegetable’s (in which that wouldn’t be a bad thing). At the same time though, she would be trying to force them to eat certain ones that kid’s “normally” don’t like.
My word, I could have written this. Thank you. I’ve often described my mum as Jekyll and Hyde. She can be loving, generous and kind one min and then evil witch the next. Its like constantly trying to navigate an emotional and physical minefield x blessings to you all. I now begin my journey today. Love x
Probably a good idea to cancel the holiday before you lose all your deposit. Only give her a simple reason why, dont provide too much detail.
Just stay overnight for one night or two nights somewhere and that will be enough. Do some sight seeing, have a nice meal out … and you’ll be home the next day 🙂
all the best 🦋
Thank you for writing this it makes me feel like I am not the only one going through this. I used to think she treated me so hatefully because I was the product of her rape. But now I believe there is more to it than that.
Same here with my mom because of her abusive relationship in the past and then I thought it was because of her drinking “but not heavenly”. Doing a lot of research about narcissism (hence this site) is what brought me to the conclusion of her diagnosis.
Just found your article. My siblings all live out of state and I have been the direct contact with my mother for more than 50 years. A few years ago, she begged me to take her to drug rehab (opioid addiction), then my dad signed her out early and they told everyone that I forced her to go. Now, in their 80’s, they need help finding assisted living and I could see the same pattern emerging (that I am going to get blamed for it) and I blew up. The gaslighting, blaming, and fake intimacy has just made my frustration boil over. I know my mom is mentally ill but why do I fall for the manipulation every time? I think I am done. My siblings are going to judge me for walking away. Is it horrible that I just don’t care if they die in their puke and snot? I might only have 10-20 years left of my life….. I just cannot do it.
Hi Kelly,
I’m right there with you. I firmly believe that just because you were born into a family doesn’t mean you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with them. After I walked away, I realized I never really knew my siblings, and the only difference is I’m aware of it now. From out here, they looked trapped, and you know what I feel? I feel free, and I don’t miss them at all. If these parents expect their children to take care of them when they’re older, they need to raise children who aren’t spending their entire adult life trying to recover from the abuse they inflicted.
That said, we have to make our own rules so you do what’s best for you. I was done about five years ago now and no regrets.
Yes! This is so true! I only wanted contact with biological mother and siblings when my daddy was alive. Since his death I have nothing to do any of them! PTL! They are a greedy pack of wolves out for themselves! Good riddance!
Your siblings are judgemental and critical because they know if they inflict emotional blackmail, it will fill you with guilt and keep you there because there’s no way they’ll take on what your doing. Its about time your siblings took on some responsibility also, and god forbid, move back to help out!
Be assertive, contact an in-home support agency and also a Carers support agency for you and your father, book her in for respite at a nursing home and free yourself to finally live your own life without guilt or resentment because life’s too short not to⚘🕊
Thank you for this article. It helps to know that I am not in this situation alone.
I knew for some time that my mother is a narcissist but it was difficult to accept. I hoped for a change, by making changes in my behavior, only to realize that nothing is good enough for her. My younger brother on the other had this realization quite early on. We both are happily married in our lives, but because of my mother, relationship with my brother has not been great. I supported him when I knew my mother was wrong. However I also tried to defend her just to maintain peace and harmony in the family. She made me feel guilty all the time for taking his side, so I stopped talking about him. I did not sever relations with her only because my children liked to play with her and it feels good to have a grandparent in life. Because of my brother’s strict boundaries, she has changed her ways. But she still has anger bursts and tries different tactics. If nothing else, she will use any of her health problems, exaggerate it and use it to get you do things for her.
She always comes up with issues that she has with my brother. Earlier, I would help her as I felt that it was my duty to help my mother, but I do not do it anymore. It bothers her and she gets mad at me. But because I live 3 hours away, she can only talk on phone and I mute her or do not pick up her phone sometimes. She has brought those upon herself by her own behavior. I cannot fix it for her. I have tried for last 35 years and nothing has changed.
I still feel bad that it it took me so long to realize and break my emotional thread with her. But reading your article, I realize it is a phase and I will get over it. My only focus is now to repair my relationship with my brother. He will be moving to a different state and I am so glad that he will find his freedom and mental sanity.
I have not abandoned my mother and have not gone no contact. She and my father are aging and I will help them when they are physically incapable of doing things. But I am really trying to get back with my brother. He has been a great uncle to my kids and I hope he sees that I have changed too. He has suffered a lot as he stayed with my mother. She did not support him emotionally when he went through difficult phase in his life. In fact she kept blaming him and then me for helping him get through those things. I just hope one day she realizes but chances are slim.
Hi Lee,
It’s good to hear you’re repairing things with your brother and making your own rules. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for this article, I just started my journey of no contact the day before thanksgiving because I couldn’t bring myself to suffer another holiday season with the shaming and guilt tripping for not inviting my 2 narcassitic parents over for the holidays. On top of all the other insanity i’ve endured over the years. Just as i’m sitting here trying to relax, my mind was spinning feeling guilty and that I should give my mother closure, but i know in my heart of hearts that it would just give her the platform to ridicule me, tell me how selfish and ungreatful of a daughter i am. or pull heart strings. So knowing that others have overcome these feelings gives me more hope.
What I am dealing with is like nothing i’ve read online before, so I am sharing a bit of my story. I grew up in a cult like family, something that i am now just realizing in my late 30s. My mother uses religion to control our actions and life decisions, she sugar coats possessive and abusive bad behaviour as “no one is perfect, God forgives”. Abuse in my family is habitual and constant, no one apologizes and expects you to just move one with your life with no reconciliation. Everyone is enmeshed emotionally, in a warped unhealthy manner. As soon as I speak the truth about anything or just my feelings, they all jump down my throat like a pack of wolves. Some of the insults i’ve endured have been verbal, emotional, and physocoligical. One example, after many months of low contact with my father, I call him for his birthday, and he doesn’t say thank you, but proceeds to ask when i’m having children as i’m not getting any younger my ovaries are getting stale. Then asks about why we haven’t bought a house yet and compares me to my siblings. of course it’s worst than how I can even describe it, but just confirmed why I rarely speak to him. All my siblings have isolated me from their lives because I am the rebelious one who left the church, they don’t tell me though they just give me the silent treatment as if i’m this horrible person. The irony is that i’m the one who actually used to help them financially and was the most giving with my time and money. But once i started to set boundaries and say NO, or No thank you, they started to turn their back on me.
The real issue I have is my mother as my father pretty much discards me, but joins in on the smearing campaign when my mother needs back up. My mother well she is a malignant obessive narcassit. If i don’t pick up her call she calls repeately no matter the time of day or if i’m at work. Disregards my time, and anything that i may be going thru. She will call b2b and start calling my partners phone too. When i finally do talk to her she spend 15 to 20 mins interrogatting me why i dont answer her calls, all my explainations mean nothing to her. Over the past 2 years i’ve tried to go low contact , and she makes it impossible. Instead, she and my father accuse my partner for being controlling and abusive towards me. They say it’s his fault, which is totally a lie. They don’t see my progress to be a an independatn, successful professional and a better person with integrity as a good thing, they see it as i’m being controlled by my partner. As if i’m not capable of making sound decisions, even through i’ve supported myself for the past 20 yrs. It’s so bad they spread these lies to my extended family behind my back accusing my partner of being this big bad abuser, when he’s the most loving respectful supportive man i know. Over the last month extended family who i don’t have relationships with are calling and txting me asking if I’m dead or if “someone” aka my partner is hurting me. What makes it worst is that he is a Black man, which can turn very ugly especially in these times. This was the last straw for me, because i know it was my parents who have been spreading these lies. I’m really worried about how they can try to send police to my home and my innocent partner becomes a victim of Police brutality. I’m just done, but worry of the worst case scenario. So not only I’m i dealing with all the grief of going no contact but also, fear for partner’s life. It’s the most terrible feeling ever. I’m actually writing this post as a means of evidence too, cause I have no support except from my partner. In case anything terrible does happens, someone knows the truth. Any encouraging support is welcome.
Thanks for sharing truth honesty and strength.
Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story. This sounds like a pretty bad narcissistic family and there’s no point trying to explain anything to them. You don’t owe them anything and no one needs enemies with a family like that. I hope you keep yourself and your husband safe from all the trouble they cause you. If you decide to go full-on no contact it could take a while for them to get the message but you don’t need this in your life, no one does. They will never change, but I got to a point where it was too hard to stay the same. Take care of you and watch your back.
Hi!
I’m sorry that you’re going thru this and this may sound bizarre but I’m 33 years old and I thank the universe I looked up how to manage the no contact with my mother and found this article!
Reading your comment is as if I’m reading my life being told to me, I was raised a Seventh Day Adventist (a cult) and have a petty similar experience to yours. There isn’t any outlets out here that gives us a compass on how to proceed with your life after you feel cheated by families like ours.
I’ve seen my own family call themselves Christians while abusing me and my cousins for decades and none of us had a good life. One of my cousins was abused so much for having bad grades that she went into respiratory arrest at 12 years old, causing her permanent Bain damage and diminished motor skills, (also my aunts helped to stage my uncles house and testified on his behalf so that he won’t go to prison for it in Puerto Rico)also another one of my cousins unfortunately took his own life after getting a scholarship to go to college at 18 and stated in his suicide note “ I’m tired of the system” and for me this was the starting point at 15 years old. I knew that my family was insane and that the nasty God they preached everyday either didn’t existed or was diabolical.
I can also relate to you because at 25 I decided to leave my mothers home and move to the US and I met and incredible African American Man that I’m engaged to and have been with him for 3 years now. Also my mom loves to discredit his character and mine with her friends, the church and my family. He’s also portrayed by her as an abuser and my older sister called the sheriffs on him, thank God they weren’t trigger happy and decided to ask questions and adviced my fiancée to get a restraining order against my sister for doing this among other social media rants she tagged him on.
I don’t want to keep writing a novel here but if you ever need to talk to someone that at least can listen to you (because I’m not a therapist) and will understand the layers of pain adults that escaped these cults go through feel free to shoot me an email
dg.xkliburproductions@gmail.com
Also, a book that helped me a lot is
Apocalypse Child by Flor Edwards
She had a similar experience in a cult family and it can shed some light to how you feel and how to handle it.
I really wish you the best, again I’m so sorry you carry all of this pain and I hope that one day you wake up fearless, feeling liberated and not feeling ashamed of the lies they spread.
Sincerely
Denisse
Ah yes I know the sadness of accepting you have no mother . Growing up my mother stated that it was normal for me to get molested at 15 by a creepy uncle whom she still keeps ties with . Wether it was my wedding day, the birth of my children , my baby shower , my dog passing away she always finds a way to ruin it and make a dramatic scene . Always all about her . She even blamed me for her cat dying because apparently I was on the phone with her when she gave the cat a higher dosage of medication than usual . I’ve always been the “bad” child to her . Growing up she’s even jokingly say that I wasn’t her daughter . That she found me in a back alley . Or that my father wasn’t really my father . I’ve gone cold with her only to have her show up at my house a few months later lying and telling me she’s dying of cancer so that I can speak to her again only to fall into the same viscous cycle . Her latest antic ….. my dog of 16 years passed away and she had the biggest smirk on her face asking me repeatedly where I was burying the dog to which I calmly responded I had to call a cemetery on Monday . Seeing that I was calm she replied and said well your dog is slowly rotting right now aren’t you sad ? She’s evil, cruel , scary and makes me wonder what happened in her life that made her this cold 24/7.
I am soooo interested! I relate to your story completely. I have experience all of this. I feel like this could be the final step, after this long, hard journey. Even tho I did have to go non contact, I still feel somewhat blocked. Please consider me a fellow survivor and thriver! Thank you for your words, I needed to hear! Willing and able👍
Hi Paula,
I’m glad you found your way here, we are many and we are with you.
Hi,
I finally accepted my mother is a narcissist in February. I tried low contact and she made it worse. The two times this year that I’ve wanted to take my life were because of her. I chose to seek intense group outpatient therapy at Vanderbilt in late September. While there, I chose no contact.
My mother thrives on playing the victim!! When I informed her of no contact, because that was the advice I was given by my group, she tried to say, I’ll do it even though I’m losing my only living child. Plus, when I told her no to respond, she did anyway.
I am slowly working on accepting that I will never learn the why of the choices she made when I was a child. Thankfully, I have seen the same therapist for 4 years and he is good one. We will begin working on radical acceptance within the next few weeks.
Thank you for writing this blog post.
Great Format. Allowing victims to comment & describe what we have gone thru I am blessed to have one good parent. As the years rolled out I realized the zero affection s of my Narc, mother were never ending. I quickly appreciated my time alone & away from my Mother. Dinner time was a forced event I struggled thru. Lots of arguements back & forth with my Dad & lots of negative comments to me ..plus a whole slew of eat this, finish that you’re too thin your too fat…Avoidance became my norm…studying, in my room, in the basement, at the library. Unfortunely it took too much time to learn to socialize, trust, talk to other people, not about the problems…just talk. I was terribly withdrawn, scared shy and beat down about my appearance (which was perfectly fine!).
I lost my dear Father recently & have tried to assist my aging Narc. mom, but she makes it near impossible, setting her flying monkey friends at me, stealling my stuff, breaking into my apartment, taking the inheritance…really it gives me a rather poor view of family, friends, customers, lawyers..they appear to want to steal it all & my narc. mom opens the door for them to do so. I want to take out a no contact order at the police department. They have cut the brakes on my car, broken into my apartment, stolen all my tools, busted the plumbing.. they even took the sink & tub! .it’s endless. I finally have given up on just about everyone I knew as family…friends, aquaintances, any associates that know my mom A restraining order especially on my Mom please. I moved left no address or phone…but suspect that I will have to do it again and further away. Talking to others about it is impossible…they don’t want o hear MY problems or believe me either. I’m not even exagerating. It makes me sad, breaks me financially, depressed, scared, angry, lonely. Ah. The uTube articles help. I saw my cousin go thru it with my aunt. She passed away…I am sure she experienced the same with my aunt narcissism.
I did consult with two councelors years ago. One said “RUN” the Other offered me mone
me money to MOVE! There are nice people in the world….Hug em, don’t lose site of the good ones in the world. NO CONTACT is my war cry.
Hi Alaina,
Wow, who are these people? Omg! Thank you for sharing this, I love the ending. It really is war, and I hear you and I am with you. This is the truth readers, this is what it’s like dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Finally, it’s nice to read advice on low contact. My mother has Alzheimer’s and I’m her POA. No contact is no longer an option. Once I came to grips with her narcissism about a year ago,I put her in assisted living. Now I’m planning to move her to memory care. She calls friends and family every day telling them how horrible I am and since she’s badmouthed me my whole life, people believe her. I field regular calls reminding people she Alzheimer’s and is basically lying. It’s great as her lies have gotten more obvious and bizarre I’m finally being believed!
I appreciate the advice on low contact. That’s how I handle her now. We talk briefly and I tell her very little about myself. Thanks to COVID, I can’t visit or take her out much and she can’t argue about it.
I still have rough days with her. Those old feelings are hard to push away. The Alzheimer’s helps. She says such silly things now, she’s easier to dismiss when she piles on the guilt. As I’m preparing for this next move, I’m strengthening myself. Thanks.
Hi Barbara,
Hey, I can relate. My MIL has Alzheimer’s and we finally got her into memory care this year. I’m sure it’s made things much easier for you this way. Let me know if you’d like to try RTT to help you move past those old feelings, it’s the only thing that worked for me.
I have been so emotional and this article is saving me. I despise my mother deeply over years of abuse and because of the person she is and always have been. She just gave birth to my brother 2 years ago and he has down syndrome. He wakes up every day with a smile and loves to play and loves running around and he’s such a sweet little baby. I love him so much, and I couldn’t see myself not being in his life, but I know I can only know him if I know her, because I have to go through her to get to him.
I cut her off before for 8 months and accepted that I’d never see him again. But things happened and I ended up giving her one more chance. Now, she’s ruined it again and this time I’m done 100%. After reading your article, I’m going to limit contact rather than go full throttle because I love my brother too much. But if you have any more advice for me, please let me know. I am struggling with this and it is quite depressing. Thank you <3
Hi,
So there is no doubt that low contact is a learned skill. Dealing with a narcissistic mother is a learned skill. We didn’t have this ability as children, but it’s not true as adults. The most important thing is when she continues to do the same things she’s always done don’t be surprised anymore. You go into this prepared and with an understanding of how the mind of a narcissist operates. You’re not going in blind without any coping skills. Instead of accepting the blame, you reject it. The only sure way I know how to make you bulletproof is with an RTT session and I would love to give you one for free if you’re interested. This will build you up, put you on solid ground, and make you rejection proof. It will speed up the healing process and you’ll be able to deal with her with a clear mind.
My mother used my nephews to try and manipulate me because she knew leaving them behind was the one thing that bothered me the most. That’s when I understood how low she could go so whatever you decide, whatever decision you make DON’T TELL HER ANYTHING, lesson #1 of hardcore manipulation. Manipulate the manipulator. You have the advantage because you know her, you know exactly what she’s going to do in any given situation. Visualize it, rehearse it before going in, and above all else expect nothing from her. Ask nothing of her, and don’t go to her for emotional support. Contact me at ragingfemalejournal@gmail.com and I’ll give you a free session and you won’t ever need her again for emotional support.
Take care of you.
It’s refreshing to feel validated and like their is someone else out there just understands exactly what you’re talking about. My narc mom gossips so much about me that it has made my children disrespect me and things to backfire on her effecting me negatively. For starters, my best friend’s husband sexually molested my daughter; I found out my mom had been speaking with them several times a week discussing what an awful mom I was so you can guess what part of his defense could be if it goes to trial. Second, my narc ex was released from prison whom my narc mom teamed up with saying how much of a changed man he would be and such a great father, both went on to have me committed to get temp emergency custody of my daughter with him finally succeeding by calling CPS on himself telling lies on me. CPS did not contact me at all and I kept asking for her name and number. He said case was unsubstantiated and was closing when truthfully she arranged a no contact order from me and he left state with my daughter now no communication. I went to authorities to try to get her back when he later called me back to tell me he couldn’t help me. He has full legal custody of my daughter in another state and the only way I knew this was happening is from the paperwork I requested from the investigator seeking proof. She doesn’t care how she has ruined my life with her mouth opening with something bad about me everywhere she goes. She does this while crying to them how much she cares and how I’m hurting her but doesn’t say the same thing to me because she knows it’s crap she is speaking. She just wants control of where, when, and what I’m doing all with the help of others pushing me to be under her “care.” I’m so hurt and mad at the world right now! On the very day I found out about the custody thing she makes a statement about her will of all things stating how she made sure to divide her house between me and my son because she knew he would take care of it and wouldn’t let her 2 best friends move in(sarcasm meaning my 2 ex’s) It was rude and to me it was just another way she had thought of to cause friction when she’s gone. I told my son he could have it all. I don’t care about that. Especially when my heart is hurting. It just never stops. Never.
I’ve seen a lot of similar posts about how to go from low-contact to no-contact but can’t really find any resources on going the other direction.
I reached a breaking point and had to go no-contact in order to start healing but as I’m getting healthier and becoming a whole person again, I want to be able to reintroduce my mother into my life. Not to get my “fix” of the abuse drug, but because I feel like continuing the no-contact… almost acknowledges or at least seems to acknowledge some sort of power she still has over me? Like it’s saying “I’m only strong and healthy when there’s no actual danger present.”
So, how does someone go in *that* direction? Gradually re-introducing her into my life and still maintaining the new boundaries I’ve put in place?
Hi Ali,
I know what you mean and there’s no reason why you can’t just call her up and say hi. Why not? She’ll love it and wants your attention. Go in with your eyes open and keep it superficial.
Narcissism is on a spectrum so it depends on how severe her condition is. Boundaries and low contact can work very well and many of us make it work. I could have low contact if I wanted to, but I don’t.
The only thing I want to mention is when she continues to do the same things she’s always done, don’t be surprised, and keep your expectations low.
Otherwise, it’s all experimental so use your own best judgment. Good luck and stay true to yourself.
This article is absolutely brilliant. I adore you. We have so much in common. I always thought I was the only one. G-d sent me a beautiful daughter who gets it and at last the anger is beginning to dissipate. My Dad and brother were her helpers. I married one, ended it and then took up with 3 others. I am terrified to get caught again but don’t want to be all alone. Can’t handle the exhaustion anymore. Writing a book helps but I am still mourning the loss of love and all these years. I realize now that from birth I had no chance. So hard to deal with though. You are helping me!💕
Hi Renee,
Write that book, I’ll read it! And you’re right we didn’t have a chance, as children, we were trapped, but as adults, we’re not going to take it anymore.
Thank you for sharing, it helps me to hear from you too.
Hello,
At the realization, after my divorce, that I had been married to a narcissistic man, further digging revealed that my mother is also narcissistic. My relationship to my husband was yet an ongoing attempt for love from someone who could not, a substitute for the love so desired from my mother.
My mother is now in a situation where she is 76, homeless, choosing to live in weekly hotels, after living with my sister and brother in law and never having moved out for 25 years. Her manipulations were generally much more successful with my sister than me, and she was never asked to leave until my sister’s passing a few months ago. My brother in law would have allowed her to stay, had she not abused their generosity, patience and tolerance towards her. Additionally, she never saved any money in the years she lived with them, and has little credit. She receives her deceased husband’s social security benefits, but is never truthful about how much she gets. Her ‘search’ for a place to live is unrealistic – more than she can afford, with the hope of a room-mate to assume most of the financial burden. I’m not sure she’s actually looked for a place of her own; I believe she is waiting to be rescued to avoid responsibility for herself, a thing she’s never been held accountable for.
This leads to the present, in which I feel pulled in several emotional directions. I cannot be around my mother – it leads to arguments, hurt, hate, and takes several days to recover from. I have tried to offer her advice on her situation, which is refused as me not knowing what I am talking about, or telling her what to do. Her family will not take her in, as they fear that she will not move out. One family member has offered shelter with the simple request of not smoking in the house, but my mother rejected this, as she feels entitled to do what she would like, even with her own family. I offered my apartment as a temporary situation and was immediately dismissed because of its size. Each phone call to check in is short, ends with her yelling, throwing guilt, lying, playing victim, generally not listening, controlling what is said, and manipulation. Each time she hangs up.
All she has done seems to have come full circle to her. I have guilt that not only can I not help her, but that I don’t want to. Am I a bad daughter? I don’t know, but I do know the consequences of ‘saving’ her. You sacrifice everything, a steep price to pay for someone who emotionally destroyed her entire family, husband ( that’s another story of manipulation ) and daughters.
Hi KCarl,
We can not live our lives for our parents or by our parent’s rules. Her condition and life situation is not your fault
You’ve already done enough, sacrificed enough, and suffered enough. There is no way for you to help her, it’s a personality disorder and it can’t be fixed.
You must save yourself and live for yourself.
You’re not a bad daughter and you never were. Her life choices have nothing to do with you and they never have.
I understand the guilt you feel, then I realized my mother doesn’t have an ounce of guilt for what she put me through.
Once you heal a little more you’ll hit the rage stage and the guilt is nothing compared to that.
Thank you for sharing your struggle, you are not alone, this is war, and we are with you.
Reading articles like these always reminds me that I am not in this journey alone. Just as your article states, you know when you have reached a point where “Enough is Enough!”. I have had zero contact with my mother for 5 years now. As mentioned you go through all the emotions of loneliness and sadness but it all dissipates slowly. I realized my mother broke my heart long ago but it was time for me to stop breaking my own. I accepted we would never have a healthy mother and daughter relationship. My new found peace is very rewarding. My mother has four daughters and for years she played the triangular manipulation. I finally sat back and watched how she worked and soon realized she was always the common denominator. I was emotionally exhausted from feeling she would never accept me nor love me. Two years in, of zero contact, I found peace with it all. I’ve realized I love my mother but from a distance. Once you have suffered from physical and emotional abuse from a mother that is narcissist, your struggle is real. The damage is permanent but you can find peace. Whether it be through therapy or being alone to regroup and work on healing. Like mentioned in the article…the best response is no response. Your peace is more important than trying to make them understand. You will never win an argument with a narcissist. Luckily the only person she was able to turn on me was my younger sibling. For now I have faith and given this to God. I trust him and I know he has a plan. I do find myself angry with her every now and then for robbing me of so much joy and my childhood but I take a step back pray and regroup. For those that are not religious, find your peace. Its there.
Tee
Hi Tee,
I 100% agree with everything you said here. The damage is permanent and I still find that part hard to deal with. You’re brutally honest with yourself and I think that’s the most important thing we can do. There is peace in the truth, but it’s certainly not what we were hoping for. I don’t consider myself religious anymore but I still believe that God saves those who save themselves. Carry on sister, thank you for sharing your journey.
Hi Tee, sorry to hear she turned you against a sibling. I was terrified to discover a similar truth regarding that dynamic as well. Its painful to have lost a love of a mother which was strangely never there…but then to lose a sibling and disver your whole family was a living lie, and now there is nothing left to how for it – I cant continue w/o breaking down. In a word: devastating to say the least. Anyway. have you considered outing her to your sibling? What about expressing love toward the sibling? I tried to tell my sibling I still wanted to visit sometimes and maintain a relationship, but without “mother” being involved in it. This was outright dismissed as a possibility. and since then the heart aches even more. Is your hesitation to reach out to the sibling same as mine? OR different?