What is the rage you feel after being raised by a narcissistic parent?
Where did it come from?
How do I handle it?
What do I do with this?
Is this normal because it sure doesn’t feel normal?
Yes, this is normal, and it’s part of the package deal included in your birthright.
When this rage hit me, I’d been working on myself for a solid eight years.
At the time, I didn’t know I had a narcissistic mother, and after eight years of trying, I wasn’t able to shake this underlying anger towards her.
It’s hot and bubbly, and the closer it gets to the surface, the more it expands.
You feel like you’re imploding, and no one can see it.
If you’re struggling with your rage and unconsciously lashing out, the first step is becoming aware of where this came from.
There are severe and life-threatening side-effects from being raised by a narcissist.
Rage like this comes from a deep sadness that’s been sitting and festering for decades.
The conscious mind forgets but the subconscious mind remembers everything.
Every wrong, every incident, every time you were used, abused, and blamed for things you didn’t do.
It comes from a place deep inside, and if you’ve never paid attention to it or acknowledged its existence, it can cause many problems in your adult life.
Narcissists copy other people’s emotions and are very good a mimicking them, but they’re not real or genuine.
This is very confusing for a child, and we were not taught how to recognize or regulate our emotions.
I was taught emotions are bad and having them was a sign of mental illness.
If you do show emotions, they are used against you or used to manipulate you.
Narcissists don’t think like rational, emotional human beings with thoughts and feelings.
When you have a narcissistic parent, their personality flaws and their personality disorder are what raised you.
This isn’t an average, flawed parent who makes mistakes.
There’s no empathy, no compassion, and no unconditional love.
Sometimes these side-effects are called narcissistic fleas.
I’m not a big fan of the term narcissistic fleas.
It’s an immature label for a fundamental process of becoming self-aware and undoing the damage to your mind.
I don’t have fleas; I have a monster in my head.
The anger and abnormal rage can come bursting out of us as adults like it has a mind of its own.
It can sneak up on you, and if you don’t get a handle on it and start showing it some respect, it can tear your life apart.
The rage from being narcissistically abused comes from fermented sadness.
It’s been stuffed down, ignored, and dismissed.
First by your narcissistic parent who said it wasn’t real or warranted or you misunderstood.
Not that is was a misunderstanding, but that you misunderstand what you see and hear because you’re not right somehow or mentally unwell.
You can’t know what it’s like being raised by a narcissistic parent unless you experience it for yourself.
Before the internet, people like us would have a hard time finding each other.
Now we form support groups and share our stories.
Many of us have waited half of our lives to find answers.
Society and its rules have kept us trapped in a well of fear, guilt, and obligation.
Society wants you to let go or get over your anger as if it’s so simple, and people do it every day.
They don’t know what they’re talking about, and they’re not qualified to pass judgment.
Since they have no experience, taking their advice would be stupid, don’t you think?
Don’t take advice from people who’ve never done what you’re trying to do.
The anger we feel from being raised by a narcissistic parent is justified.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse goes in phases.
The first phase is feeling stupid as if you somehow should’ve known better.
Then the guilt and sadness will last for an undetermined amount of time.
The rage comes next, and it’s much, much deeper.
It goes clear to the core.
Three years later, it’s still there.
Instead of trying to fight it, I’ve learned to embrace it.
Anger is a useful tool and a great motivator.
After a lifetime of being raised by a narcissistic parent, you don’t forget how horribly you were treated.
You’re sitting on the couch, dissociating and unconsciously playing out a scene from the past in your head.
The phone rings, it startles you, you answer and proceed to rip that persons head off.
Your spouse walks in to ask if you’re okay, and you whip out your sword and slice his head off too.
A memory triggered an emotion that creeps in like a fog and drowns your joy.
You’re emotionally trapped in that dark place, and there’s no way out.
As a child, you were trapped in this place, and there was no way out.
As an adult, you’re not trapped anymore, and there is a way out.
We can’t get even for a lifetime of abuse, but you can undo the damage it’s causing in your adult life.
Stop pretending it isn’t there.
We’re not going to do that anymore.
It does exist.
And your anger is justified.
The anger from being narcissistically abused by a parent is real, and it’s high time it came to the surface.
Can’t we be honest?
We’re pissed off, and we’re tired of this shit.
We’re not going to be treated like that anymore… by anyone.
You reach a point where you don’t want any more abuse in your life, and the anger is your motivation and strength to make that a reality.
Anger is what kept me from breaking no contact.
It strengthened my resolve.
Emotions should not be shamed or judged, and they can be used for positive or negative outcomes.
A part of me does to spite her, and another part does it in spite of her.
The rage validates your situation.
It’s not normal to feel this way towards a parent.
Many children go through a phase, especially as teenagers, where we all hate our parents from time to time for whatever reason.
When you’re a fully mature adult, and you still feel this way, then it’s time to stop blaming yourself and place the blame where it belongs.
The anger you feel is helping you right the wrongs.
It’s there because it damn well should be.
It’s a normal response to being used, abused, and mistreated.
You have every right to your anger, and it’s necessary for growth.
Narcissitically abused children have a deep-seated rage.
Adults who had a loving childhood can’t comprehend it.
We wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone, but it doesn’t change the fact it did happen, and this is yet another insidious gift given to us by our narcissistic parent.
If you can’t get even with a narcissist, what do you do with all that rage?
You use it.
Anyone who’s been researching how to handle a narcissist knows confronting a narcissist never works.
If you feel the need to confront your narcissistic parent and exact your revenge, you can go right ahead and do it.
However, whatever you’ve been planning, it’s way too late.
A narcissist is always way ahead of you, and they can turn everyone you used to know or thought you knew against you.
Those who do it anyway always come back unsatisfied if not defeated once again.
Never tell the narcissist in your life you know they’re a narcissist.
When you’re angry, you want to tell them off and stand up for yourself, but you’ll lose your advantage.
They’re much more motivated than you to run around telling anyone who will listen that YOU are the narcissist.
You’re angry, pissed off, and you want them to know you’ve figured them out, and now you shall damn them to hell!
You want them to feel your pain, but when you try, you get more of the same.
After you go through all this and waste all this time and energy, you’re in no better shape than you were before.
Sometimes you’re worse off from another exhausting encounter, but it amounts to very little with no lasting change.
Confronting your narcissistic parent can make the anger worse.
Children are hard-wired to cling to their parents for survival.
It’s normal for a child to go to their parent for emotional support.
Unfortunately, when that parent is a narcissist, you always walk away with a feeling of nothingness.
You don’t get support, you get word salad, and if you’re paying attention, you’ll realize it’s a waste of energy to have a conversation with them.
You’re no better off than you were before you spoke to them.
It’s like running in place.
It feels like you’re moving forward, but when you look up, you’re still in the exact same place.
You go home after being around them again, and the rage sets in.
This can make you lash out at loved ones who don’t deserve it.
A narcissist can feel your pain, but not the way you think.
A narcissist enjoys other people’s pain, and they have no desire to help you work through it.
They want you to stay in turmoil.
A narcissist believes their emotions and their feelings are the only ones that exist or matter.
You don’t matter to them even if you’re their own child.
It’s not only your narcissistic parent who behaves this way; it’s all narcissists of any kind.
Their behavior is predictable.
You know what’s going to happen, so when it does happen, again and again, stop being surprised.
We struggle to comprehend the mind of a narcissist.
We don’t understand why they have so little to give emotionally.
We drive ourselves mad trying to get them to care, but we’re searching for something that doesn’t exist.
There’s no there there.
The emotional support you need from your mother or father doesn’t exist.
It’s not there, and most of us are denied parental emotional support for a lifetime.
Be careful what you bring home after being in contact with a narcissist.
Be aware of your triggers and your behavior after you’ve been in contact so you can deal with the triggers and stop the residual effects of having a toxic parent.
You can correct a negative behavior when you become aware of it.
Rage comes with high energy that can keep you awake all night, take that energy, and focus it on something else.
I needed a project, a hobby, a way to express myself, and I used my anger to learn how to build a website.
It was something I could do that was always there, and it’s a never-ending project.
My anger gave me the courage to do something I’d never done before, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, by myself.
When you’re dealing with the symptoms of being narcissistically abused, you have insomnia, anxiety, depression, PTSD, C-PTSD, and entire garbage cans of crap processing in your brain.
I don’t want to write; I need to write.
If that sounds like you then consider starting a blog for your mental health, or use Google Docs to organize your thoughts.
Writing ebooks is all the rage right now too (no pun intended), and there’s a simple ebook creator tool with templates for the cover and graphics.
Writing is my creative outlet.
I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was a little girl, but I didn’t have the guts to do something big.
When you get angry, you start making decisions differently, and not all of them are bad.
I’m 100% positive this mental health blog has skyrocketed my internal growth.
Another project is photography, cooking, baking, candlestick making, what matters is finding something you enjoy doing.
Having a creative outlet saved me from the eternal abyss of sitting there in the insanity of remembering the narcissistic abuse.
However, you still have to deal with where this raging pain and anger come from, and I’ve learned to control it better by doing it consciously.
At first, all I did was spin.
All-day long, every day, I had this virtual video in my head replaying my childhood memories over and over again.
Every time it did this, I would find a new piece to the puzzle as if I was becoming more whole with each piece.
I was snarly, disgusted, seeing infra-red during these times, and I had no business being around anyone when I was in that state.
The one thing that saved me, in the beginning, was removing myself from people.
No one can help me when I’m in this place.
I’m crazy, unreasonable, nasty, and verbally abusive.
We do and say things that misrepresent our true selves.
Once you start to see it, you don’t wonder where these behaviors came from anymore.
You also know that every fiber of your being doesn’t want to be like the person who raised you, and that’s more motivation than I’ll ever need.
Focusing on yourself.
When you’re raised by a narcissist taking care of your mental health is not on the list of priorities, and that stops now.
In my experience, recovering takes more time than you think it will.
It took me about two years to come to terms with this undeniable proof my mother is a narcissist.
I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had.
At least if I was going to be up, I had something do.
Hobbies are a justifiable expense for your mental health, and it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than therapy.
Online-Therapy is also more affordable than traditional therapy, and you don’t have to wait three weeks for an appointment.
If you’ve never tried therapy before, this is less intimidating because you can do everything from home in your own private space.
Improve your mind with self-hypnosis.
I’ve tried medications, over-the-counter pills, cutting caffeine, exercise, self-help books, and I’ve done it all because I’m willing to try anything to see if it works.
Nothing is as effective as self-hypnosis.
The problem is in my subconscious, and the subconscious controls everything.
I continually use self-hypnosis apps to snap me out of it or get some quality sleep.
Do you remember sleep?
I’m partial to Glen Harrold with his Australian accent, so that’s who I recommend, he won’t let you down, and there’s something for any aspect of your life you want to improve.
The narcissist wants you to fail.
They don’t want you to get better.
They want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, just like them.
Use the anger from being narcissistically abused to better yourself.
Anger makes you stick up for yourself, put yourself first, and stop accepting blame from personality disordered people.
You have every right to be angry, and the rage is going to be there for a while, so give yourself something to do.
Eventually, I came out of this phase like a fog lifting, and it’s not as volatile anymore.
However, it’s still there, and it can come to the surface at any time.
It stays as protection, so I never allow someone to harm my mind in that way again.
Anger is protection.
It comes from self-preservation and the need to protect your mental well being.
The narcissistically abused are lucky to come out of a situation like this with all their faculties intact.
When you come out of it, you feel duped, stupid, and violated in ways you can’t describe.
Even though you were a child and are not responsible for any of it, you still have these emotions, and you still think you should’ve somehow known better.
But that’s not really fair to you, is it?
Would you blame the child?
No, you would not.
Have a conversation with this raging inner part of you.
Talk to it, talk at it, sing to it, let those hot tears fall.
Acknowledge its existence and recognize it when it comes to the surface again.
This is another form of internal work.
The anger I have is a part of me, and when I console it and comfort this part of myself, it gets smaller.
Show yourself some understanding.
Feel the power of this emotion and give it the respect it deserves.
My rage was buried so deep when it hit me I didn’t know what it was or how to handle it.
It’s still like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and it’s been living inside of me the whole time.
This is not your fault, but unfortunately, you do have to clean up the mess because there’s no one else to do it.
No one is more qualified to help you than you because you know yourself best.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself and learn as much as you can.
Inner child work, reparenting yourself and retraining your brain to think more positive thoughts after being raised by an unnaturally negative person.
It takes the mind time to process these stages, and you need to be extra gentle with yourself.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is exhausting; it drains you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It’s frustrating, you feel like you should be doing more than sitting around thinking about this, but that’s not true.
You have to allow yourself to process this crap and bring it to the surface.
It’s hard work, it’s not easy, and believe or not this is what growth and healing feels like.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced.
Everything I tell you on this blog, I’ve already tried on myself first to see if it works, so take it from someone who’s been narcissistically abused for decades.
I don’t have time to waste another decade, not getting better.
There will be a part two on this topic, but I have to stop here because it’s getting too long for one post.
Until then, since we don’t want to continue the cycle of abuse, I want to share what I learned from my husband about how to fight with your spouse after being raised by a narcissist.
I tried life coaching, and it’s been a life-changing encounter.
I needed someone to listen to me and help me understand myself better.
It was the most liberating and grounding experience of my life so I decided to become a certified life coach.
If you’re interested, get a free 30-minute consultation to get a better understanding of what coaching can do for you.
When you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, sometimes you need help. If you have more severe symptoms like debilitating depression, PTSD, or C-PTSD you can connect with a professional therapist online.
It called Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
- You don’t have to meet them in an office.
- You don’t have to be face-to-face.
- They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment.
- All your information is highly confidential and secure.
- It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.