The rage you feel after realizing you were raised by a narcissistic parent will change you forever, and you will never forget it. I’ve never felt anything like it before in my life. There are no words to describe this rage, and you won’t understand it unless you’ve experienced it for yourself.
Once you understand what’s been going on, you’re going to be pissed for a very long time. You’ve been lied to, gaslighted, and completely mistreated by someone you trust more than anyone else on the planet.
I was always angry in life, but I never knew why.
At the time, I didn’t know I had a narcissistic mother or that none of this was my fault. So for years, I searched for a way to figure out what was wrong with me. For decades I believed I was the problem, and I was in a constant state of I need to fix it, I must fix it, but I can’t because I don’t know what IT is.
Every wrong, every incident, every time you were used, abused, and blamed for things you didn’t do, your subconscious mind records all of it, and it’s definitely in your head.
A narcissistic parent doesn’t behave as other parents do.
They copy other people’s emotions and are very good a mimicking them, but they’re not real or genuine. This is very confusing for a child, and we were not taught how to recognize or regulate our emotions.
I was taught emotions are bad, and having them was a sign of mental illness. If you do show emotions, they are used against you or used to manipulate you. This isn’t an average, flawed parent who makes mistakes. There’s no empathy, no compassion, and no unconditional love. A narcissist can’t comprehend unconditional love. They have no concept of it. In their mind, everything is black and white, good or bad. There is no in-between.
This rage comes from decades of unexpressed hurt and sadness.
If it doesn’t come out or isn’t allowed to come out, there’s nowhere else for it to go but in. The thing is, when you’re not allowed to let it out, it stays there, and it never goes away. It’s been stuffed down, ignored, and dismissed.
First, the person who supposedly loves you said it wasn’t real or warranted, or you misunderstood. Not that it was a misunderstanding, but that you misunderstand what you see and hear because you’re not right somehow or mentally unwell. You can’t know what it’s like being raised this way unless you experience it for yourself.
After a lifetime of being raised by a narcissistic parent, you don’t forget how horribly you were treated.
You’re sitting on the couch, dissociating and unconsciously playing out a scene from the past in your head. The phone rings, it startles you, you answer and proceed to rip that person’s head off. Your spouse walks in to ask if you’re okay, and you whip out your sword and slice his head off too.
A memory triggers an emotion that creeps in like a fog and drowns your joy. You’re emotionally trapped in that dark place, and there’s no way out. As a child, you were trapped in this place, and there was no way out. As an adult, you’re not trapped anymore, and there is a way out. We can’t get even for a lifetime of abuse, but you can undo the damage it’s causing in your adult life.
Stop pretending it isn’t there.
We’re not going to do that anymore.
It does exist.
And your anger is justified.
The anger from being abused by a narcissistic parent is real, and it’s high time it came to the surface.
Can’t we be honest?
We’re pissed off, and we’re tired of this shit. We’re not going to be treated like that anymore… by anyone. You reach a point where you don’t want any more abuse in your life, and the anger is your motivation and strength to make that a reality.
Anger is what kept me from breaking no contact. It strengthened my resolve.
Emotions should not be shamed, judged, or ignored, and we can use them for positive or negative outcomes. It all comes down to controlling your own energy and power. It’s yours, and you get to choose how to use it.
A part of me does it to spite her, and another part does it in spite of her.
The rage you’re feeling is so powerful you can’t deny it anymore.
It’s not normal to feel this way towards a parent. Many children go through a phase, especially as teenagers, where we all hate our parents from time to time for whatever reason. When you’re a fully mature adult, and you still feel this way, then it’s time to stop blaming yourself and place the blame where it belongs.
The anger you feel is helping you right the wrongs. It’s there because it damn well should be. It’s a normal response to being used, abused, and mistreated but let me add this.
Anyone who’s been researching how to handle a narcissist knows confronting a narcissist never works. If you feel the need to confront your narcissistic parent and exact your revenge, you can go right ahead and do it. Here is a great book by Dr. Ramani Durvasula to help you navigate all of this in the best way possible.
However, whatever you’ve been planning, it’s way too late.
A narcissist is always way ahead of you, and they can turn everyone you used to know or thought you knew against you. Four years after no contact, I just caught wind that my family has decided I’m a sociopath because I don’t care about mommy dearest’s feelings. I’m not even there, and it never ends. You know why? Because the problem was never me.
Not a single member has ever reached out to ask a single question as to why I left, and I’m the sociopath. So what happened was I changed, and they didn’t.
Never tell the narcissist in your life you know they’re a narcissist.
When you’re angry, you want to tell them off and stand up for yourself, but you’ll lose your advantage. They’re much more motivated than you to run around telling anyone who will listen that YOU are the narcissist, or a sociopath, or a monster.
You’re angry, pissed off, and you want them to know you’ve figured them out, and now you shall damn them to hell! You want them to feel your pain, but when you try, you get more of the same. After you go through all this and waste all this time and energy, you’re no better off than you were before you spoke to them.
It’s like running in place.
It feels like you’re moving forward, but when you look up, you’re still in the exact same place. You go home after being around them again, and the rage sets in. This can make you lash out at loved ones who don’t deserve it.
A narcissist can feel your pain, but not the way you think.
A narcissist enjoys other people’s pain, and they have no desire to help you work through it. Instead, they want you to stay in turmoil.
A narcissist believes their emotions and their feelings are the only ones that exist or matter. You don’t matter to them even if you’re their own child. It’s not only your narcissistic parent who behaves this way; it’s all narcissists of any kind. Their behavior is predictable. You know what’s going to happen, so when it does happen, again and again, stop being surprised.
We don’t understand why they have so little to give emotionally. We drive ourselves mad trying to get them to care, but we’re searching for something that doesn’t exist.
There’s no there there.
The emotional support you need from your mother or father doesn’t exist. It’s not there, and most of us are denied emotional support for a lifetime. There are many good books on Amazon to help you navigate all of this and if you’d like to support this blog please use my affiliate link to this top seller Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD.
You can also purchase my ebook on Amazon or from me directly here.
Be careful what you bring home after being in contact with a narcissist.
Be aware because toxic negativity is a contagion. If it doesn’t rub off on you, it can definitely rub you the wrong way, and you might not be consciously aware of it.
You can correct a negative behavior when you become aware of it, but I wasn’t aware. You don’t know what you don’t know. When you start to figure it out, the rage comes with high energy that can keep you awake all night. Now you’re pissed off, and you have insomnia.
I needed a project, a hobby, a way to express myself, and I used my anger to learn how to build a website. It was something I could do that was always there, and it’s a never-ending project.
My anger gave me the courage to do something I’d never done before, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, by myself.
When you’re dealing with the symptoms of being narcissistically abused, you have insomnia, anxiety, depression, PTSD, C-PTSD, and entire garbage cans of crap processing in your brain.
I don’t want to write; I need to write.
If that sounds like you, consider starting a blog for your mental health or seeing how easy it is to create your own ebook here.
When you get angry, you start making decisions differently, and not all of them are bad.
I’m 100% positive this mental health blog has skyrocketed my internal growth. If my mother had known my plans at the time, she would’ve destroyed all my hopes of being a writer AGAIN, just like she did when she read my journal as a teen.
The angry part of me was determined to follow my passion, and it knew she would try to stop me. God forbid if one of her children was ever happy.
Is it to spite her, or is it in spite of her? Well, it’s probably a little bit of both, but most of all, I can’t just silently stand by and watch this happen to other people. I have a voice, and I’m going to use it.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse takes longer than you think.
Whatever timeframe you’re thinking… triple it.
It took me about two years to come to terms with this undeniable proof my mother is a narcissist.
I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had or how many times I tried to talk myself out of it, but my brain wasn’t having any of that. It wanted me to fully understand the oppression, the injustice, and how abusive my childhood really was.
There’s no more pushing it down and pretending everything is okay; I still find this rage stage shocking even though I did eventually get to the other side of it.
You’re going to start making decisions very differently now.
The narcissist wants you to fail. They don’t want you to get better. They want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, just like them.
Anger makes you stick up for yourself, put yourself first, and stop accepting blame. You have every right to be angry, and the rage will be there for a while, so give yourself something to do.
Eventually, I came out of this phase like a fog lifting, and it’s not as volatile anymore, but I will never forget it.
Anger comes from the part of you that loves you.
The part of you that knows you don’t deserve to be treated this way. It comes from self-preservation and the need to protect your mental well-being.
When you finally get out and stop the abuse, you feel duped, stupid, and violated in ways you can’t describe. Even though you were a child and are not responsible for any of it, you still have these emotions, and you still think you should’ve somehow known better.
But that’s not really fair to you, is it?
Would you blame the child?
No, you would not.
I always like to source my information, so you know I’m not the only person who thinks this way. Here’s Jay Reid explaining things for us better than I can.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is exhausting; it drains you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It’s frustrating, you feel like you should be doing more than sitting around thinking about this, but that’s not true. You have to allow yourself to process this crap and bring it to the surface.
It’s hard mental work, and it’s not easy.
Here is the official RTT hypnotherapy site, and you’ll see how it helped me and thousands of others dealing with these emotional issues. I wish I would’ve found this a long time ago instead of always trying to do everything myself, but we grow up in a world where help is not available.
But guess what? That’s not true anymore either.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own. That’s the hard way. If you’d like to know more about the RTT sessions to help you recover from narcissistic abuse, you can read more here or visit my homepage.
Another at-home option many people like connects you with a professional psychologist or licensed therapist online. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.