Today we’re talking about tips and strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Sometimes you have to have these unavoidable conversations.
What if you run into her around town?
What if she’s trying to get a hold of you for an important reason?
When the narcissist is your mother, it’s not as easy to cut her out of your life.
It’s a stretch to believe you will never have to speak or deal with her again.
It’s what we want, but it’s not reality.
One of the strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother is never telling what you know.
Telling her what a big nasty narcissistic pile you think she is and giving her a label to use isn’t in your best interest.
Next thing you know, the tables are turned, and you’re being accused of being a narcissist.
Everything you say will be used against you.
The worst thing you can do is let her know what you’re thinking and what’s going on in your head.
If you fill her in, the game is already over, and you lost.
It will put you at a disadvantage and slow down your progress.
She’ll twist it up in such a way you’ll think about it for two or three weeks or months before you figure out that you are, in fact, not the narcissist.
How you talk to yourself after being raised by a narcissist changes everything.
This is how you begin to change your patterns and your life.
You can give to yourself what you needed from your narcissistic mother.
You have to consciously correct the negative voice in your head.
That’s not your true self, and you shouldn’t be listening to it.
Everything I talk to you about I try on myself first, and when you purposely and consciously correct that negative voice, it gets smaller and smaller.
It still lingers, but it’s faint, and I know not to listen to it.
What you focus on you get more of, so if you’re focusing on negative emotions, you convince yourself there’s no solution.
The more you focus on negative emotions, the worse it gets.
- Why can’t she love me?
- I hate myself.
- I’m useless; I might well give up because I’m worthless.
- I just want to die already and put me out of my misery.
You can get lost in there forever.
One time I was telling my narcissistic mother about something Oprah Winfrey said and how much I learned from it.
She told me she doesn’t think I should listen to Oprah because she doesn’t think Oprah has her shit together.
Who says say that?
A narcissist truly doesn’t believe they need to grow, and the thought of it is terrifying to them.
You’re not terrified of this growth; you need it because your life depends on it.
As soon as you start switching things up and changing the game, things will get worse before they get better.
A narcissist hates nothing more than when the person they’re trying to control starts setting boundaries.
They don’t like it at all, so prepare yourself for the fireworks and arm yourself with the truth.
One of the best ways to be sure a boundary needed to be set is when the other person gets angry.
A normal person will respect this part of you and your need to protect yourself.
A narcissistic parent will have a very different reaction, and that’s all the proof you need to know you’re doing the right thing.
Try a few other strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother before you talk to her.
Talk yourself through what will happen before you talk to her.
We know our mothers better than anyone else on the planet because we’ve been observing her our whole lives.
You can predict what your mother will do and say.
Please pay attention to what happens, notice the narcissistic behaviors, and you will always be able to see it in other people.
This will help stop you from getting into toxic relationships.
You’ll know the signs because people with narcissistic personality disorder all behave in the same ways or very similar.
Narcissistic disorders have some kind of universal playbook, and it’s creepy.
I used to psych myself out whenever I had to spend any time with her or the family, but I would do it in an extremely self-defeating and disempowering way.
You don’t automatically have the skills to deal with a narcissist.
It has to be learned.
Think of it as leveling the playing field (maybe for the first time in your life).
You know what you’re dealing with, you know what you’re up against, so here are some tips to help you solidify it in your mind.
When she continues to behave the same way she always has, you won’t be surprised anymore because you’ve successfully lowered your expectations.
- You can’t fix, control, or be held responsible for her feelings.
- We manage them like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
- You are an adult and have higher standards for your behavior.
- She cannot give you the emotional support you need, so you don’t go to her for emotional support.
- Don’t seek her approval or ask for her permission to live your life.
As soon as you stop seeking her approval, she’ll notice because it’s the foundation of control.
You don’t need her permission, approval, or emotional support.
When you eliminate these three things, she has no control.
She’ll either ignore you, be bored with you, or she’ll throw a raging fit.
Talking to a narcissistic mother is strangely superficial.
All the other conversations you had with your parents in the past is going to be completely different now.
You’re aware of narcissistic behaviors, and you believe what you’re seeing instead of trying to figure out why you’re wrong.
It doesn’t matter if they still treat you like an incompetent child or put you down or make backhanded remarks.
That behavior is not on you; you didn’t cause her to be or act this way.
You know it isn’t coming from you.
Many times I needed something deeper from my narcissistic mother and spent my time trying to connect with her.
We’re looking for unconditional love and emotional support.
If you pay attention to your next conversation, you’ll realize there is no deeper level.
What you’re looking for doesn’t exist, and you recognize the odd childlike behavior.
The rule is don’t dive into shallow water.
You’re dealing with a narcissistic mask, the facade, and the disorder.
This is someone with an agenda.
They want you to go deeper and share your darkest parts and struggles but not for the reasons you used to believe.
A narcissistic parent will needle you and interrogate you until they find something to use against you.
Keep the conversation superficial.
You have no problems, no issues, and most importantly, you expect nothing from them.
We get frustrated and upset because we need something from them they can’t give us.
One of the best strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother is to want nothing from her.
That means from now on; you take care of yourself.
What you’re looking for from her you can give to yourself.
As children, we didn’t have the resources or the mental capacity we have as adults.
It’s easy to get stuck in the past and in that mindset.
A narcissistic parent wants you to stay in this trapped state so they can control you.
It can be hard to untangle yourself from it at first, but her choices in life and her behaviors are not your responsibility.
You are your responsibility.
Once and for all, take full control of your life, and you don’t allow anyone else to make decisions for you.
Reach in and find your little neglected inner self, give your inner child a hug and tell her you’re going to take care of her now.
Be your own mother.
Doing this little exercise can have an instant effect on your mental state and might bring you to tears the first time you connect with your little inner self.
You were taught to ignore your inner child, your inner voice, and told your internal voice couldn’t be trusted.
Don’t ignore your inner child anymore; she needs you to pay attention to her.
I stay connected to my inner child and acknowledge her.
When we go canoeing, this little voice perks up and says, “Yes! Let’s go because it’s fun!”
She’s a part of me that helps me feel my heart again, and a powerful peace and joy of life comes bubbling up inside.
At first, she was beaten up, sickly and dirty.
I cleaned her up, gave her new clothes, and I will never forget to feed her again.
This is a form of internal healing that actually works wonders, and it will work for you too.
These tips and strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother will help you protect yourself.
Make sure you protect your inner child from your narcissistic mother.
She doesn’t get to hurt her anymore.
No one does.
She is under your care now, and you will never let her down again.
I tried life coaching, and it’s been a life-changing encounter.
I needed someone to listen to me and help me understand myself better.
It was the most liberating and grounding experience of my life, so I decided to become a certified life coach.
If you’re interested, get more information about how coaching works at proofoflifecoaching.com.