Sometimes you have to have these unavoidable conversations and these are strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother.
What if you run into her around town?
What if she’s trying to get a hold of you for an important reason?
When the narcissist is your mother, it’s not as easy to cut her out of your life.
It’s a stretch to believe you will never have to speak or deal with her again.
It’s what we want, but it’s not reality.
One thing you should never do when dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Never tell a narcissist you think they’re a narcissist.
Telling her what a big nasty narcissistic pile you think she is and giving her a label to use isn’t in your best interest.
Next thing you know, the tables are turned, and you’re being accused of being a narcissist.
Everything you say will be used against you.
The worst thing you can do is let her know what you’re thinking and what’s going on in your head.
If you fill her in, the game is already over, and you lost.
It will put you at a disadvantage and slow down your progress.
She’ll twist it up in such a way you’ll think about it for two or three weeks or months before you figure out that you are, in fact, not the narcissist.
How you talk to yourself after being raised by a narcissist changes everything.
This is how you begin to change your patterns and your life.
You can give yourself what you needed from your narcissistic mother and consciously correct the negative voice in your head.
That’s not your true self, and you shouldn’t be listening to it.
Everything I talk to you about I try on myself first, and when you purposely and consciously correct that negative voice, it gets smaller and smaller.
How did I get started? I did the easiest thing. I stated ten things I’m grateful for every morning and every night. I have a shiny rock I hold in my hand and at first, I couldn’t even get to ten. I was a horribly negative person and this is how I started to turn things around.
I can’t believe how bad I was now.
A narcissist truly doesn’t believe they need to grow, and the thought of it is terrifying to them.
You’re not terrified of growth; you need it because your life depends on it.
As soon as you start switching things up and changing the game, things will get worse before they get better.
A narcissist hates nothing more than when the person they’re trying to control starts setting boundaries.
They don’t like it at all, so prepare yourself for the fireworks and arm yourself with the truth.
One of the best ways to be sure a boundary needed to be set is when the other person gets angry.
A normal person will respect this part of you and your need to protect yourself.
A narcissistic parent will have a very different reaction, and that’s all the proof you need to know you’re doing the right thing.
Try a few other strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother before you talk to her.
Coach yourself through what will happen before you talk to her. We know our mothers better than anyone else on the planet because we’ve been observing her our whole lives.
You can predict what your mother will do and say.
Please pay attention to what happens, notice the narcissistic behaviors, and you’ll see this isn’t about you at all.
You’ll know you’re not to blame for her behavior because people with narcissistic personality disorder all behave in the same ways or very similar. Once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it
Narcissistic disorders have some kind of universal playbook, and it’s creepy.
I used to psych myself out whenever I had to spend any time with her or the family, but I would do it in an extremely self-defeating and disempowering way.
You don’t automatically have the skills to deal with a narcissist. It has to be learned. Think of it as leveling the playing field (maybe for the first time in your life).
This time you know what you’re dealing with and you know what you’re up against. You’re not going in blind.
When she continues to behave the same way she always has, you won’t be surprised anymore because you’ve lowered your expectations:
- You can’t fix, control, or be held responsible for her feelings.
- We manage them like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
- You are an adult and have higher standards for your behavior.
- She cannot give you the emotional support you need, so you don’t go to her for emotional support.
- Don’t seek her approval or ask for her permission to live your life.
As soon as you stop seeking her approval, she’ll notice because it’s the foundation of control.
You don’t need her permission, approval, or emotional support.
When you eliminate these three things, she has no control.
She’ll either ignore you, be bored with you, or she’ll throw a raging fit.
Talking to a narcissistic mother is strangely superficial.
All the other conversations you had with your parents in the past is going to be completely different now. You’re aware of narcissistic behaviors, and you believe what you’re seeing instead of trying to figure out why you’re wrong.
It doesn’t matter if they still treat you like an incompetent child or put you down or make backhanded remarks.
That behavior is not on you; you didn’t cause her to be or act this way.
You know it isn’t coming from you.
Many times I needed something deeper from my narcissistic mother and spent my time trying to connect with her. We’re looking for unconditional love and emotional support.
If you pay attention to your next conversation, you’ll realize there is no deeper level. What you’re looking for doesn’t exist, and all you see is this odd childlike behavior.
The rule is don’t dive into shallow water.
You’re dealing with a narcissistic mask, the facade, and the disorder.
This is someone with an agenda.
They want you to go deeper and share your darkest parts and struggles but not for the reasons you used to believe.
A narcissistic parent will needle you and interrogate you until they find something to use against you.
- Keep the conversation superficial.
- You have no problems, no issues, and most importantly, you expect nothing from them.
We get frustrated and upset because we need something from them they can’t give us.
One of the best strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother is to want nothing from her.
That means from now on; you take care of yourself. What you’re looking for from her you can give to yourself.
You must give it to yourself because she doesn’t have it to give you and never did. Which means, you never got the love and care you needed.
As children, we didn’t have the resources or the mental capacity we have as adults.
It’s easy to get stuck in the past and in that mindset. This kind of childhood emotional neglect causes learned helplessness because as a child there was no way out.
A narcissistic parent wants you to stay in this trapped state so they can control you. It’s hard to untangle yourself from it at first, but her choices in life and her behaviors are not your responsibility.
You are your responsibility.
Once and for all, take full control of your life, and don’t allow anyone else to make decisions for you.
Close your eye right now and connect with your neglected inner self, give your inner child a hug and tell her you’re going to take care of her now.
Be your own mother.
Doing this little exercise can have an instant effect on your mental state and might bring you to tears the first time you connect with your little inner self.
You were taught to ignore your inner voice, and told your internal voice couldn’t be trusted. That’s not a parent, it’s not what people who love their children do.
Don’t ignore your inner child anymore; she needs you to pay attention to her.
I stay connected to my inner child and acknowledge her.
When we go canoeing, this little voice perks up and says, “Yes! Let’s go because it’s fun!”
She’s a part of me that helps me feel my heart again, and a powerful peace and joy of life comes bubbling up inside.
I cleaned her up, gave her new clothes, and I will never forget about her (me) again.
This is a form of internal healing that actually works wonders, and it will work for you too.
These strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother will help you protect yourself.
Make sure you protect yourself from your narcissistic mother and anyone else who brings abuse into your life.
She doesn’t get to hurt her anymore and all those nasty things she says and does? You don’t have to let them in anymore because that’s not you, that’s her, and you know that now.
It’s tough trying to recover from this and straighten it out on your own.
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“Because of RTT know I am not broken and it turns out I was never broken to begin with. I got confused but I understand now that I was never broken. I thought I was broken but it turns out I’m not. Rapid Transformational Therapy is the power of understanding, everything that’s ever happened to you in your life is recorded in your subconscious and you can only access it through hypnosis. This is the 21st Century so do yourself a favor and whatever you’re doing trying to help yourself heal STOP. Find Uncompromised Life online with Marisa Peer, get yourself a session with an RTT practitioner, and STOP wasting your money on other less effective methods.”
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Read my post about RTT here.
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Try Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link).
You don’t have to be face-to-face. They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment. It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
Post like this and narcissistic support groups are no substitute for therapy.