The narcissistic mother denies her children love and emotional support for their entire lives.
When you go to her with a problem, she’ll twist it all around so she can attack you for it.
Instead of facing the problem, a narcissist will alter the facts of reality so they can put all the blame on you and then shame you for it.
For example, as an adult, you go to your mother and tell her someone at work is harassing you.
Within the first sentence of you trying to explain what’s going on, her wheels are already spinning.
If you’re dealing with a covert narcissistic mother it could go something like this:
- It’s not that big of a deal.
- Well, you should do a better job.
- Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You seem pretty sensitive.
- Maybe that’s not what he meant, and you misunderstood.
- You can’t just up and quit your job because you had a bad day, that’s irresponsible.
- Quitting your job is not the answer, you should go a see a doctor who can help you with “your mental problems.”
- To her friends: Well, she’s got a perfectly good job, but she’s about to quit since her boss was acting like a boss, etc, etc.
As I got older, I noticed that everything I said to my mother, she would say the opposite.
I wasn’t mirrored very often as a child, and I was always opposed unless my needs were perfectly aligned with her agenda.
This can seem like you’re simply dealing with a negative person, but for children like us, this was every day of your life and every interaction you have with your mother into adulthood.
Every time you dared to open your mouth to express emotions or feelings and say how you felt, it’s shot down, disproved, and dismissed.
If you continue to persist, she’ll drag you to a doctor and demand you be medicated because you’re obviously mentally ill.
Looking back, it horrifies me how doctors would allow mentally disturbed mothers to diagnose their own child and then force the child to take drugs they don’t need just so the doctor didn’t have to confront the mother.
Don’t get me started on that story.
You may not know this, but certain anti-depressants taken at a young age will completely disqualify you from getting into the military.
Just another little insidious way she sabotages her child.
Normal adults go to their mothers for emotional support daily.
It’s natural and healthy to go to her for support.
However, going to the narcissistic mother for emotional support is more like getting stabbed in the chest over and over and over again.
Stop going to her for emotional support.
You’re behaving like a healthy rational adult who needs some sound advice
Unfortunately, your mother is not mentally well or rational.
Find a normal, intact, healthy human being to be your voice of reason.
Someone who can build you up instead of tearing you down.
The last thing you need is someone who denies your reality and dismisses you.
More than anything else, we desperately need to be heard so we can heal.
Once a person feels heard, then they start to heal.
It’s really that simple.
You need to be heard, and when you realize you’ve actually been heard and understood for the first time in your life, it brings a sense of relief and comfort I can’t put into words.
How a person without narcissistic personality disorder provides emotional support.
- Girl, you gotta get outta there, it’s not worth it.
- Are you kidding me? He can’t talk to you like that.
- You don’t get paid enough to be treated that way.
- I think it’s time to get out of there if you’re this unhappy.
- No, you don’t need a doctor; you deserve a safe work environment where you feel comfortable.
- Let’s get online and look for a new job.
This is called emotional support, and if a narcissist has raised you, you know how powerful a little bit of that can be.
We have no idea what it would be like to be emotionally supported by our mothers on a daily bases much less once and awhile.
I can count on one hand how many times my mother gave me emotional support, and it was pathetically useless.
The narcissistic mother uses projection and blame to keep her children miserable and confused.
We all use projection to a certain extent.
My husband and I love nothing more than to find a way to blame each other for something that was absolutely not the other one’s fault.
I think this happens early on in a marriage and can cause a lot of problems, but we have good communication, so we laugh at each other now instead of taking it seriously.
He takes responsibility, and so do I.
With a narcissist, they will take exactly zero responsibility, and if you don’t except all of it, there will be hell to pay.
Your behavior is always in question and needs improvement while their’s never changes and stays exactly the same.
It’s amazing how my mother hasn’t changed one bit in over forty years.
Not one ounce of growth.
She always reverts back to her original state no matter what transpires.
For me, it would be extremely painful to live in a state of zero growth.
I find it astonishing, I mean, how can there be no growth?
That’s not damaged.
Narcissists are not damaged; they are broken.
Narcissism is more than a mental illness.
Even if you can’t fully recover from mental illness, you can at least get the tools and learn the skills needed to manage better, and you can improve.
A narcissist can’t do that.
They can’t see that the problem is with them, and they will sure as hell never accept such a thought.
It’s not because they won’t, it’s because they can’t.
That introspective part that makes you take a good look at yourself doesn’t exist for them.
They have missing pieces.
You’re not dealing with a healthy and whole personality.
It’s hard to digest that you were raised by a person who was lacking in so many ways.
The truth is like a slap in the face because if she lacked all of this, that means, you lack some of these things in a big way too.
Broken is not the same as damaged, bruised, or injured.
It can’t heal, and it can’t be fixed.
The only way to win this battle is to once again turn into yourself and change how you react.
For the scapegoat in the narcissistic family, this isn’t that hard to do.
We’ve been conditioned to internalized everything our whole lives in very unhealthy ways excepting the blame and absorbing the mental blows.
We already have this tool and the ability to do this, only now we’re going to use it to our advantage.
Instead of using this internal dialogue to tear yourself to shreds, use it against the narcissist.
What happens when you confront a narcissist?
You won’t get the validation you deserve.
They won’t suddenly see the light and feel terrible for how they wronged you.
According to a study from Kim Saeed, when you tell a narcissist they hurt your feelings, it registers about the same as asking them to pass the salt.
There’s no there there.
The only thing that happens is you give them insight as to what’s going on it your head.
You never want to give them more information.
The more they understand how you think, the more they can twist it around and use it against you.
They are masters at altering the reality of a situation to fit their agenda.
As a young child, I accused my mother of being a liar, I knew she was lying, but I couldn’t prove it.
I couldn’t even prove it to myself, and thus the spiral of madness continued as she swore she’s never told a lie in her entire life.
Make no mistake; that’s the ultimate lie.
Everybody lies, and everyone has secrets.
The narcissist knows you’re not like them.
They know you experience normal emotions like compassion, empathy, guilt, but they don’t.
They abuse you knowing they can use these emotions against you, and they consider it a sign of weakness.
All this time, my mother saw my compassion as a weakness.
All these excuses I made for her and how I struggled to constantly forgive her, she thought I was weak and pathetic.
If this was coming from a stranger, you wouldn’t care, but this is your mother.
As an adult, I realized I never learned kindness from that woman, and because of that, in my early twenties, I wasn’t the kindest person either.
I didn’t understand why I had so many communication problems and why life was so difficult.
I hated people.
I’d lash out when I should’ve shown restraint, and I would stay silent when it was time to speak up.
I had no idea how to get my needs met, and when I would try, I was always bracing myself for a negative outcome.
That’s how I went into every conversation or interaction with other people.
I saw everyone as a threat because they only thing I knew for sure is that if you let people in, they will take advantage and hurt you.
Since then, I discovered I also have a rare personality type, and because of that, I am what I am, and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I encourage you to play around with these personality tests to get to know yourself better.
I didn’t know my true self very well as I was fiercely forbidden to be myself.
When you’re raised by a narcissist, being who you are and your true self is not okay.
By that, I mean, it’s never okay, and every time you showed your true self to your mother, you were degraded and humiliated without fail.
I suspect that when you show yourself as a normal functioning human being, the narcissist knows they aren’t like that.
Deep down, they’re jealous, and they hate you for being a good person with a moral compass.
You are everything they are not, and everything they can never be.
The narcissistic mother will do unbelievable and insidious things trying to destroy that light inside of you.
You should know that light can’t be destroyed.
It can’t be killed, and it can grow back more powerful than ever before.
I thought mine was dead.
For a very long time, I thought it was gone and that this was it for me.
But it wasn’t true.
It was starving.
And it needed to be fed.
A loving mother has one goal, to feed the light the lives inside her child.
If you’re the daughter of a narcissistic mother as soon as you reach a certain age, she’ll discard you.
My mother was never very affectionate, but at age seven, something changed.
I was given even less.
By the age of fourteen, she was done with me.
She completely wrote me off and gave up on me (her words).
At fourteen years old, my own mother told me I was a lost cause.
Imagine what that does to a young girl’s very delicate self-esteem.
To be fair, I was disobedient.
She failed to protect me as a child, and I didn’t trust her.
She’ll tell you I was very obedient up until the age of ten, and that’s true.
Unfortunately, being obedient wasn’t enough to keep me safe.
I have a voice in my head that sounds like me, and even now, it’s a pounding echo that roars, I WILL NOT OBEY.
It’s a voice that children like us were born with, but we were told not to trust it.
The lesson is, don’t trust her voice.
Trust your voice.
It is your responsibility to feed your inner light.
No one else can do it for you.
The only other person who could’ve done it for you doesn’t even exist when the narcissist is your mother.
Connect with other women and men that understand what you’re going through.
If that isn’t enough, and you’re not interested in traditional therapy, there is another option.
How do I save myself?
When connecting with others and reading survivor stories isn’t enough to help you heal, and seeing a therapist can cost a ton of money that most people don’t have, there are other options.
It’s called Online Therapy.
- You don’t have to meet them in an office.
- You don’t have to be face-to-face.
- They’re available and on-call for you Monday-Friday, so you don’t have to wait for an appointment.
- All your information is highly confidential and secure.
- It’s affordable, and you pay much less than seeing a therapist in person.
If you’re not looking for therapy right now I continually use self-hypnosis apps to snap me out of it and give myself a much-needed mindset adjustment.
I’m partial to Glen Harrold with his Australian accent so that’s who I recommend, he won’t let you down, there’s something for every aspect of your life.
I’m a reader, I read daily and one of the best books I’ve found on self-help is The Power Of Now and Practicing The Power Of Now.
Books like this can help you sort things out for yourself, take it to the next level (especially if you’re feeling stuck) and these two books I read over and over again as needed.
Many of us who have been dealt this hand in life are also full-blown empaths.
Not knowing you’re an empath is pretty much the worst thing in the world, especially if you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse.
Being an empath, however, is the world’s most potent, powerful, and natural defense against narcissists.
If you find out you’re an empath placed in the direct path of a narcissist, then know you were born that way for a reason.
Find a way to heal and let your light burn bright.
This is how we snuff out the darkness and keep the monsters at bay.
You were born to heal and help others do the same.
We are the narcissist’s polar opposite designed to keep the universal balance.
Their mission is to seek and destroy.
Our purpose, the reason we are created, is to combat that, and if we didn’t exist, they would destroy the world.
If you’re an empath, you can heal.
You were designed, created, and born to overcome this and bring the light into a very dark place.